Our Journey #6

October 13, 2012

NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE.   That's what the bracelet says that  so many of our friends and I wear every day.   A bracelet that reminds us to pray for Jeff, for a cure, for his healing.   However, I couldn't help but think that sometimes people DO fight alone.   I don't know how...and I've tried to imagine how you could go through something like this alone, but truth is...some people choose to fight alone.     They choose to fight a battle without letting others around them help...I think their own pride is the culprit here.    They choose to fight a battle without the help of God...this one I have a hard time understanding.    From the first second we heard Jeff's diagnosis, God has been helping us through this...actually He was helping us even before the diagnosis, but we just didn't know it.   So I've wondered, and I am completely  miffed as to why anyone decides that they'd rather fight  alone.   

Many of you know that I have struggled with asthma for 10 yrs now.   What you may not have known is that the initial onset of asthma left us with a $85,000.00 hospital bill and an insurance company that deemed my condition to be a "pre-existing" conditiion and refused to pay.   In order to keep me healthy, I take a regimen of drugs to reduce inflamation in my lungs and keep my airways open...to the tune of several hundred dollars each month.   The harder we fought our insurance company, the sicker I would get, until one day I was ranting to God (well that's the best way to describe it!)   I felt Him say to me in my spirit, "Libby, who is your provider?"   See, I had put my faith in an insurance company to be my provider...but they let me down.    From that moment on, I made up my mind that I would trust God to be my provider...He would either provide by making the insurance company pay, or He would provide another way...BUT HE WOULD PROVIDE.   Long story short, about a year ago I went to the mailbox one day and in the box was an envelope from TMH.   No big deal, we had been getting the same bill every month for the last 10 years...and every month we made a payment.   We still  owed thousands of dollars but God had been faithful and provided a payment plan and the money needed to make each payment.   Normally, I would not open the bills (Jeff pays all our bills and so I just put them in the bill box for him).   This time though I absent mindedly opened the envelope and when I did I saw red writing on the page.  I thought to myself, "Did he miss a payment?   What in the world?"   Suddenly, the words written in red came into focus, "With deep appreciation, your bill has been paid in FULL"... ZERO BALANCE!!!!!!!!!!   I couldn't believe my eyes...we had not requested assistance or anything...just paid what we owed each month, thanking God for providing the means by which to do it!    

So, as the bills have started to roll in for cancer treatment and our insurance turns out to be just so-so...not at all as great as we thought is was...I find myself remembering that God knew what was on our horizon when He provided for that bill to be paid off.   He is already in our tomorrow...fighting on our behalf!  We don't fight alone...He was fighting for us before we even knew that we needed Him.   If I stop and think about how much this battle could cost it would indeed overwhelm me...however when I remember who my provider is, I understand that there is nothing for me to fear.   It was while I was thinking about this very thing today that God brought a very important truth to my heart.   NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE.   See, He is fighting for us before we even know we need help...and I believe He fights for us even when we are too proud to accept his help.  He fought for us even when we were in our sin. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8    

It's easier when we accept Him and learn to trust Him...but make no mistake...He fights for you...whatever your struggle is.    NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE!   

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Our Journey #5

October 4, 2012

Maybe it was the rain, maybe I was just tired, maybe a little of both, but yesterday was one of those emotional days for me.   Not the breakdown in tears kind that I've had randomly throughout this ordeal but just the gamut of feelings and thoughts that I had to wrestle my way through with prayer.   I find that those things tend to hit me in waves and really are not dependent on anything happening around me...just a torrent of feelings that I have to take to my Father and let Him help me sort through them. 

Yesterday, the emotions were familiar.    I've been there before.   About a year ago God began a work in me.   All my life, I have battled fear.   I know, everyone battles fear, right?   Well, this was a fear that crippling kind of fear and I knew it wasn't from God.  He has not given us a spirit of fear!    So a little over a year ago He began to root out this fear and set me free from it.   The process was painful because the roots were deep.   I was comfortable with my fear (it had been with me all my life)  and so many times I resisted the work that God was trying to do in me.   Still, He was faithful and I had a breakthrough about 3 months ago, realized that this fear that had held me captive for years, no longer had a grip on me.  Through God's word, I had been set free.

Whatever tactics satan finds successful, you can bet that he will keep in his arsenal.   Yesterday, he pulled that old familiar one out on me again. And for a couple of hours, he had me...but he didn't plan on me using the weapons in my arsenal to fight back...prayer and the Word of God.  So that is exactly what I pulled out when fear began to creep in.   I began to rehearse scripture, Psalm 91, Isaiah 41:10, Genesis 28:15, Jeremiah 29:11, Jeremiah 30:17...just to name a few.   It wasn't long before my spirit began to win again!   Then I began to cry out to God...I carried my complaints to Him...I poured out my heart to Him.    And He met me there!   Little by little, a song replaced the fear.  

A friend caught me online and asked how I was doing and when I shared that with him, he said, "then I'd be singing it at the top of my lungs!"   He's right and that is exactly what I intend to do!

‎"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Ps 34:4

And here's the song (singing it loud enough to annoy the dog):

Jesus at the center of it all

Jesus at the center of it all

From beginning to the end

It will always be, it's always been You, Jesus - Jesus.

Jesus at the center of my life

Jesus at the center of my life

From beginning to the end

It will always be, it's always been You, Jesus - Jesus.

Nothing else matters

Nothing in this world will do

Jesus, you're the center

Everything revolves around You, Jesus you.

And with that simple little song, He calmed my fears and set me back on solid ground.  I will stand firm in the knowledge that my God will supply ALL my needs and that I need not fear what tomorrow holds...I know the one who holds tomorrow!

Our Journey (Entry #4)

October 1, 2012

Today, I realized that my posts have been a little scattered and so some people don't really know what Jeff's diagnosis is.   Let me see if I can clear that up.   On September 7th we were told that Jeff had stage 3 lung cancer.  It is considered to be stage 3b because there is a tumor in the right lower lobe of the lung and 2 lymph nodes on the trachea are affected as well.  If the cancer was anywhere else in his body he would then be considered a stage 4.   The next day a brain scan was done to rule out the cancer moving to the brain...thankfully, it was clear.   The following week he had a PET scan done to check the rest of the body for signs of further involvement.  This scan was almost clear, except for one tiny spot on or near the spine.   This spot was so tiny they decided to do a bone scan to see if a biopsy was necessary.   The bone scan showed an arthritic spot but no cancer...Great news!   That means he stays a 3b and treatment could begin right away.   Several people thought that when I posted the good results from the scan that meant the lungs weren't really affected.   They are, but we are hoping that when the next scans take place a miracle will have taken place and we will see healthy, whole lungs!  Hopefully, that all makes more sense now.     

I wanted to share the lyrics to a song that has been going through my head so here it is:

"I don't understand your ways, oh but I'll give you my song

Give You all of my praise

You hold on to all my pain

With it You are pulling me closer

And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner

And up every mountain

I'm not looking for crowns

Or the water from fountains

I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing

That the sight of Your face Is all that I need"

I first heard this song probably a little over a year ago.   Worth It All by Rita Springer has been a favorite of mine ever since.   Yesterday, during our prayer time before church, this song just came back to me.   I realized, I DON'T understand...but also that I don't need to.   God has a plan and all I need is to keep looking for His face!   He is pulling me closer to Him everyday.   There is no where I'd rather be than right where He wants me.   I don't think up to this point in my life I've ever fallen into the "desperate in seeking or frantic believing" categories...but now I get it.   And I know...deep within my soul...that all this is gonna be worth it.   We are thankful for precious friends and family who have promised to walk this walk alongside us.   You have no idea how much that means to us.   I like the second line of the song...I will give you my song...give you all my praise!   It belongs to Him but He waits for us to give it!    Then look what it says about my pain...He holds on to it and with it He is pulling me close...pulling me into His ways.   His ways...the ones that are HIGHER than my ways!   His way is clear...he NEVER gets lost.   See, sometimes I do and I can't understand how it happened or how I can get back on track.   When He pulls me into His ways, He puts me back on track...right where He wants me.   I choose to trust Him!   It's gonna be worth it all!

Our Journey (Entry #3)

September 29, 2012

 

I decided yesterday that I would not post again until I could do it without bawling my eyes out...those of you who know me know that I don't like to cry.  (I cry ugly...not pretty at all!)    Honestly, I was wondering how long it would take for Jeff to start feeling better and for me to be able to breath again.  Thank God that He changes things!   I am certain it is because of the prayers of so many across this world for my husband.   You prayed and God answered!!!    I'm posting, not because I think our situation is any worse than anyone elses or because I think you are especially interested in every detail of our lives.   Instead, I believe I am posting each of these entries because God has a message for you...perhaps, somehow, when you read our story, you will understand that the same God who is bringing us through this trial, wants to do the same for you...no matter how big or small your trial may seem.

Over and over during the past few days, God has spoken a word to me...just one...THROUGH.   Some of you have sent me scriptures and songs, texts and phone calls that God used to say that one word to me.   I look at it and wonder, how is it that this little 7 letter word brings me so much peace?   This little preposition has become precious to me.  Here's what the dictionary says it means: 

1.in at one end, side, or surface and out at the other: 2.past; beyond

3.from one to the other of;  4.over the surface of, by way of, or within the limits or medium of:

I believe that God is saying to me that this cancer 1)has a beginning and an ending...and He knows one from the other...He will bring us THROUGH!   2) That we will get past or beyond this...we are just passing THROUGH! 3) This is a season of transistion for us as we move from one realm of ministry to another...we will not be the same once we have come THROUGH!  and 4)That although cancer seems huge to us, to Him it is only a means to bring about a greater glory...and it is MY GOD who determines where the limit lines are drawn...He will say when we are THROUGH!   

For several years, I've sung a precious Crabb family song, Through the Fire...yet I think I did it a great mis-service.   I thought I understood the words, but those have new meaning for now.   A deeper meaning.   Tonight, I'll leave you with the chorus:

He never promised that the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb.

He never offered our victories without fighting but He said help would always come in time.

Just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision and advesary says give in, just hold on

My God will show up and He will take you THROUGH the fire again!

Friends, He won't be late...He will bring us THROUGH.  I am as confident of that as I am of my name...He WILL BRING US THROUGH!!!   Somebody, give my God the glory!!!

Our Journey (Post 2)

September 27

Ever find yourself searching for the right words but nothing seems to really capture what you are trying to say?   That is where I find myself tonight.   It's been an overwhelming day.   Jeff had his 1st chemo treatment on Monday and today has been wiped out pretty much all day.   Thankfully, friends and family who've been through this had us prepared and expecting it...otherwise it would have really scared me.  I found myself looking at this man that I love tonight and being so thankful for everything he is.   He is a Godly husband, father, and friend.   He tends to be a little (ok a lot) on the skeptical side and he perfectly balances me (who falls for just about anything).    Many nights he has held me and prayed over me...prayed for my healing, prayed for my peace of mind, prayed for ME.   Tonight, it was my turn.   He, ofcourse had already drifted off to sleep and I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to pray over him.    To pray for his healing, for his peace of mind, for HIM.    I cannot adequately describe the joy that came over me as words began to flood from my soul...not just my words, but I believe it was the Holy Spirit interceding on his behalf.   Suddenly, the sweetest peace began to fill our room along with the assurance that God is in control.    I am so thankful.

I am overwhelmed by my love for him.   We've been married just over 23 years now and I just love him more everyday.   I've asked God for something big...for now, I'm gonna just keep that to myself, ok?   But I do believe He spoke to me tonight and gave me a promise and words of encouragement.   That's the great part about this God I serve...He won't let me go through this alone.   I can't imagine facing even one day without Him.   Friend, if you have a problem that is bigger than you are...take it to Jesus.    I promise you, it's not a cliche', it's not a crutch...He is real and He cares so very deeply for you.    If you don't know Him, but you want to, it would be my priviledge and honor to introduce you to Him.    I'll close tonight with the lyrics to an old song that is on my lips ...

  Jesus is the sweetest name I know,

And He's just the same, as His lovely name.

That's the reason why I love Him so,

Jesus is the sweetest name I know...

Our Journey (Post 1)

September 26, 2012

Our journey with cancer has begun.   Shell-shocked, we never expected this diagnosis.   That fateful Friday morning will forever be etched in my memory as Dr. Campo came into our room and said the words, “You have cancer.”    Yet, even in the midst of that awful moment and in the middle of the many more to come...we have felt God’s presence there.   Right there with us, not as an on-looker...as a inner strength that says “you are not alone in this...I AM with you”.   

I’m certain that as I continue to blog about our journey, you will see every side of who I really am.   My fears, my doubts, my hopes, my dreams, my screams...I will attempt to put it all on paper.    But what I really desire is that when you read this, you don’t see me, that you see My God at work in me.  

We are praying and believing God for a miracle in Jeff’s body.   We ask that all our friends and family do the same.  Please don’t give up!    And please, give God the glory at every opportunity in this journey.   I am confident that He wants to use this to touch someone.   To lead a lost soul to Him.    My friends, will you do us the honor of glorifying Christ in ALL THINGS...even in cancer.     We are choosing to believe the report of the Lord, which by the way says that NOTHING can come against us that He doesn’t allow.   Sometimes that is a hard pill to swallow, but I take courage in knowing that the God I serve is sovereign and good.    He is in this with us and we will not encounter one single trial without Him by our side.    I’ll take those odds any day!   

God gave me this precious scripture today...I hope it blesses you as it did me!

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? 

2 My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; 

6 the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. 

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; 

8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

God, where are you?

This says it all...      As I write this post, I sound much like Darth Vader.    I am in the midst of a somewhat severe asthma attack...and my nebulizer just went on the blink!    Just one more hardship in what seems like a trail of "if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!"  
     Now I know that to say that I am struggling to see God in all this probably doesn't seem spiritual at all...but God says that we must worship Him in truth...so truth it is.    Truth is, it feels like (in the words of the great 'theologian' Alfalfa ..."the sky opened up and God said, I hate you, Alfafa!")....that's pretty much how I feel.    The last few months have been difficult but the last few weeks have been sheer torture.  
     My health has steadily declined, while my stress level has peaked.    Friends that I have confided in and called upon for prayer support have abandoned me...notice, I used the plural form of the word...not just one.  Money is tighter than it's ever been (although, God has been faithful).    Lies have been spread against my family and our ministry.    So now I find myself begging and pleading with God.   Begging Him to be my healer...yet I get sicker.    Begging Him to send support during this difficult time...yet it feels as if someone just snatched a rug right out from under me.    Begging Him for a financial miracle...only to have more of our church family lose their jobs or leave the church.    Begging Him to be our defender...yet He is silent and the attacks increase, both in frequency and severity.  
     I find myself asking,  "God, where are you?"...but the silence is deafening.
     So, I search my soul once again...Lord, I don't understand.    I don't know what you are trying to teach me.    It is during this dark, empty season, that I believe God has a lesson of upmost importance for me.    Perhaps, I need to learn this lesson for a future ministry opportunity.   Or maybe I need to learn it because I just need correction.   But whatever the reason, this I know...whether I can feel God or not does not negate His presence.    I don't have to be able to see Him for Him to be there.   Nor do I have to be able to hear or even know He is there.  He is there because He is...what I feel, see, hear or know has no bearing on that truth!!!   Oh thank God!!!    That excites me...I serve a God who does not depend on my abilities or knowledge or goodness!!!
       I have been drawn to His Word more and more through this time.    I yearn for it!    I desire it!   Hebrews 11:6 says that "without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him".    I want a reward...but more than that, I want to PLEASE God!    It's what I've longed for ever since I accepted His call on my life.     Pleasing Him is my desire!
      Believing in God has never been my problem...but believing God sure has!   I often find myself putting out fleeces  and second guessing all that God prompts me to do.    Like the man in Mark 9:24, I find  myself saying, Lord, I do believe, but help my unbelief!    And you know what...He WILL help my unbelief if I will only get out of the way!   He's done it even while I wrote this!  (My nebulizer just started working again!!!!!!!!!!)    Oh Lord, I am YOUR vessel...help me to seek YOUR pleasure before that of men!    Help me to trust You and oh God...whatever I do, whatever I say...let it be PLEASING IN YOUR SIGHT!!!    That's what I live for!