Our Journey (Post 26)

Faith.  It's a little word.  Just five letters.  Dynamite comes in small packages...likewise, this little word, when applied properly, packs a powerful punch.   Hebrews tells us that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  It's confidence in what we've hoped for and assurance in what we can't see.   It's more than believing in something, it's knowing, like know that you know knowing, that it will come to pass.   Not because you can see it with your eyes, but rather inspite of the fact that you can't see it.

For the last several months, God has been working on growing my faith.   You've read about our hurdles and how we've learned to trust Him in the midst of our struggles.   But recently He has been calling our faith to come up to another level...to step it up a notch (or two).   It started on May 31st, when Jeff had to go back in the hospital and we learned that the cancer was back.   For the last two weeks there has been a non-stop dialog going on between me and God.

I don't believe in chance...I believe that the steps of a righteous man (or woman) are ordered by the Lord.   I believe that everything that happens in the life of a believer is for a specific purpose.    Our job is not to figure out what that purpose is, but instead it is to trust God and glorify Him in everything.  So when this new twist in our journey came along, I found myself frustrated because I was trying to figure out what the purpose was.   Why?   Why?   Why?  That's what I kept asking.  

I'm so glad that God is patient with me and when I don't get something on the first try, He always gives me another chance to learn.  And when I'm really slow...He sends me confirmation, signs along the way, so I know that I'm on the right path.  That's exactly what He has been doing for the last few days.

I told you, in my last blog, that He sent a friend to tell me to believe for Jeff's healing.   Since that post, He has sent me so many confirmations that I've lost track.    Today alone, He sent me like five seperate confirmations.   A miracle is in the works.

I know it as sure as I know my name.   I appreciate doctors and all that they do...but I do not have faith in their word.   I am thankful for friends who support us in times like this, but I do not put my faith in their understanding of our tomorrow.   I love my husband, but my faith is not in how he feels.   My faith is in God and God alone.

All my life  I have professed to believe in Him.   I've said that I believe in miracles, though I've never witnessed one.   But today, something clicked in my spirit.   There was a shift...I went from believing that a miracle was possible to expecting a miracle.   Then, almost within a hair of a second, I felt him saying,  "Come deeper in your faith, Daughter.   You're expecting a miracle...now, will you expect it today?"   It was as it He was drawing me out into deeper water, much like what I would expect that Peter felt when Jesus beckoned him to get out of the boat.

God has used people, scripture, music, prayer, and other things that I just don't have words for to confirm for me that Jeff is healed.   His healing is done.   I truly believe that God will get all credit for this one.  The doctors will have to say, "God did this."   No other explanation.

I've asked God to help me believe, to make my faith bigger.   In  the gospel of Luke, chapter 17, the apostles asked Jesus a similar question..5The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!”
6He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. Well, today, I got it! The lightbulb came on, the fog cleared. If the apostles could command a tree to be uprooted and planted in the sea, then I can command cancer to be uprooted and die. My faith is not in my power, but in His power. It's not in my ability, but in His. His Word tells me in John 14:12 that in fact we will do even greater things than what Jesus did during His earthly ministry...because He went to the Father. I believe that! Just like He said it...no ifs, ands, or buts. God said it...that settles it. I choose to believe it! 

 
Some of you will think I've lost my mind...that's ok. But some are just brave enough, or crazy enough, to have faith with me. If that is the case, keep your eyes open. Expect a miracle. Put a smile on your face. Praise Him for it and don't stop, not even for a second, giving Him glory!

From Psalm 91 (the scripture God has given me since the 1st day of our journey)

    15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
         I will be with him in trouble,
        I will deliver him and honor him.
   16 With long life I will satisfy him
        and show him my salvation.”

I'm expecting a miracle.  I'm expecting a "long life" for my husband.   FAITH!

Our Journey (Post 25 )

Throughout our ordeal with cancer, I have had an unexplainable peace.   A peace that I didn't understand, much less be able to put it in words.  Oh, I've experienced moments of helplessness and shear terror, but even in those, I can feel God's presence near me.

I posted about one of those times Wednesday night.   Yesterday (Thursday), the neatest thing happened to me.   I'm not sure whose benefit this post is for.  Sometimes, I feel that I'm writing for an audience, to encourage and give hope to others who might be going through difficult situations.   Sometimes, I know it's just for me...a way of getting everything out before I explode.   Today, I think it may be for both.

All along the way, we have discussed the possibility of Jeff not being healed this side of heaven.   It's not a possibility we like to consider, but we understand that people die of cancer everyday.   With the reoccurrence of his cancer, we were forced to discuss things that we hoped we would not discuss until we were well into our 80's.

Though it's not what we want, Jeff is okay with the possibility.   He knows what awaits him and though he doesn't want to leave his family, being with Jesus is going to be amazing.   I, on the other hand, am not okay with that possibily.   Don't get me wrong, I too know where he is going and I know God would take care of us and help us through it, but I just don't believe that God is through with him on this earth yet.  I have believed from day one that God will heal him...I still hold to that.

I was struggling with this very thought yesterday...wondering if maybe I was over spiritualizing everything, when I recieved a phone call.  A most unusual phone call.

I recieved a phone call from a friend. This friend is one of those friends that I can go for months and not speak to, but if we are ever together it is like we were never apart.   Occassionally God will lay this friend on my heart and I'll call her to check on her.   She does the same for me but we live more than 100 miles apart and don't get to chat often.   One thing I have learned about this friend is that she doesn't need all the details in order to pray.  I can paint with broad strokes for her and God always seems to direct her to where the real need is.   She is in-tune with Him and though she has on occassion delivered a timely word to me, she never over-spiritualizes things...at least not that I have seen.   She has been a mentor, friend and prayer partner for many years.  I trust that when she gives me advice that she is not doing so for her own gain or fame, but because she truly cares about me and has talked to God about my problem.

So yesterday, she calls me.   She doesn't know the discussions Jeff and I have been having.  She doesn't know the private battle that is raging inside my mind.   She just believes she has heard from God and wants to tell me what she's heard.   She even prefaced what she had to say by telling me that if she was off base I could disregard or throw out anything that didn't fit.   She couldn't have been more right on if she'd tried.  I believe that God used her to build my faith...and I hope it will build yours as well.  Here's what she had to say to me...to the best of my memory.

"God already knows the beginning from the end.  He knows exactly how many days Jeff has on this Earth.   So what if...what if...God plans for Jeff to live to be seventy something?   To see his kids raised and married?  To enjoy grandchildren?  And what if Satan, knowing that Jeff is a servant of God and pastor with a heart for the community in which he has been placed, wants to undermind God's plan.   Now he can't destroy God's plan for Jeff's life...all he can do is convince Jeff that God is through with him.   So what if he uses the medical field to convince Jeff that his life is over?   If Jeff believes the lie then he gives up and "accepts" his "fate".   And maybe God allows that kind of temptation to strengthen our faith.    Don't believe the lie!  Keep trusting God for miraculous healing and for many years of ministry."

Our conversation was short but God continued to speak to me throughout the rest of the day and into the night.   Already He has driven home the "Do you trust me?" question.    Now, he is reminding me that we have an enemy who will do whatever he can to get us to lose sight of the prize.   I believe that God is going to heal my husband this side of heaven.   I believe that we will grow old together.   If I am wrong, then I believe I serve a God who can heal my broken heart and give me a new purpose in life.   But if I am right, I need friends who will come alongside us and help us believe for this miracle.   I don't know how it will come.  Perhaps with just a touch or perhaps it will be through the wisdom of medical professionals.   I'm asking our friends and family to have faith with us.   To believe in a God who heals.   And to believe that God will heal Jeff.    I know some will think I've lost my mind...some will think I just can't cope.   But God knows my heart...He has heard my deepest cries.   Will you please believe with us?  This I know for sure...the God I serve is not cruel.   He knew the thoughts that were inside my head that I wouldn't even verbalize to my husband.   He used a friend who was hours away to tell me that He is listening to my prayers...He just wants me to keep believing!

Our Journey - Be Still

Today was perhaps the most unnerving day I've had so far.   I can't really explain it but I felt completely overwhelmed and helpless.  I wanted to just curl into a ball and cry...or hurl...or both.   I suppose I knew it was coming, but I was blindsided by the severity of my emotions.   I found myself sad, scared, overwhelmed and mad all at the same time (but mostly mad).   I know it's not the thing you expect to hear from a pastor's wife, but I've promised to be honest and if I am going to be honest, well, today was the pits!

Several years ago, Jeff and I came to an agreement that he would handle all the bookkeeping for the family.   For years he has paid all the bills, balanced the checkbook and just let me know when we had money to spend and when we didn't.   Well, considering his recent diagnosis, he wanted me to be prepared for anything, so today was the day for me to get a crash course in paying bills.   Now I'm a smart girl (or atleast I think I am), so this should have been a simple thing to do.   Technically it wasn't bad, emotionally it was killing me.  

The longer the day grew, the more anxious my heart became and the harder it became to hold the tears at bay.   I understand that it is ok to cry and sometimes even therapeutic.  I also understand that once I turn the faucet on, turning it off is next to impossible.   My sweet husband was so sensative to my needs today.  I know it kills him to see me like I was today.  Still I couldn't pull out of the funk.   Understanding, even better than me, what I needed, he sent me home.   He said stay home, send the kids to church and just have some "me" time...translation, "Go home and have a good cry."

So home I went...only to feel the tension in my body grow.  I walked into a messy house.  Don't really know what I expected there, but today it just added to my frustration.   There were dishes in the sink, a pile of laundry to be washed and their rooms were, well, let's just say that they won't be earning an allowance this week!  

After feeding them, I sent the kids off to church and then I commenced to cleaning.  Now, no one who knows me (really knows me) would accuse me of being a clean freak.   I have a hard time staying focused on one task at a time.   Normally I will start a task and ten minutes later I am distracted by an old picture or something else I haven't seen in years.   But let me tell you, when I am mad I am a cleaning machine.   I'm talking methodic and spotless!   The madder I am, the cleaner my house will be.  

I was in the kitchen.  I took the stove apart, the coffee maker apart.  I scrubbed everything in sight...swept and mopped...and the whole time I was balling my eyes out.   I'm talking gut wrenching sobs.  Friends called to check on me and I think they thought I was losing my mind.  I was.   With every wipe of the sponge, every swish of the broom, every scrub, I was crying out to God.  "Lord, I don't understand why we have to go through this.  I trust you.  I'm pretty sure that I've always trusted you, but right now, Lord, I cannot get my mind around this.   I need you to help me.   I need a miracle, God."   I ranted.  I raved.  I railed.  I wailed.   But what I couldn't do was hear.   I couldn't hear the God that I serve saying anything.

The silence was deafening.  So I cried and cleaned even harder.    In my frustration, I called out to Him again.   I was in the middle of wiping down the counters and everthing on them when I shouted amidst the tears, "God what am I supposed to do?   You have to help me."   I looked down at the plaque in my hand and I couldn't believe my eyes.   There was my answer.   This plaque has been sitting on my kitchen counter for years but many times gets pushed behind stuff or just gets over looked.   I was dusting it off and I read it...I could hear God.   The plaque simply says "Be still and know that I am God.  Ps 46:10".   Be still...stop trying to figure out what the future holds, how you will fix everything. Just be still, my child.  Shhhh, it's gonna be ok...Daddy's here.    Know that I am God...I am God...you are not.   I have every detail of your life under control.  Trust me.    I want you to trust me.

There it was...peace.  Reassurance that despite a bad report, a messy house, dissapointments and a broken heart, that God was in control and that I can trust Him.   He will make our path straight.   I believe that He will give us a miracle.  There are two specific miracles I am asking for...one is Jeff's healing, the other is a spiritual matter.   God assured me in a millisecond that He had this.   That I could be still and should be still.   I should be still because I trust Him.   There is nothing that makes a Daddy happier than for His children to trust Him.   Completely and totally trust Him.  

Thank you, God, that You are trustworthy.   Thank you for the gentle reminder that You are not worried about my situation...you have it under control.  All I have to do is be still and know that you are God.

Our Journey (Entry 23)

I've probably put more thought into how to start this post than any other post I've written thus far.   Still, even as I write this, I'm not sure how I want to say all that I have to say.   Guess I'll just jump right in.  Friday, Jeff was scheduled for his follow-up scan, however on Wednesday he began feeling poorly.   When we arrived for the scan on Friday they sent us straight to the ER.   After a battery of tests, the conclusion was that he had fluid on the lungs and some around his heart and then the part we didn't want to hear...the cancer is back.    After meeting with our doctors and having our options laid out before us, Jeff decided that he will try to do the chemotheraphy again.   This time the regimen will look a little different.   He will not do radiation.   He will only have one kind of chemo, not two.   Our hope is to begin the chemo treatments tomorrow.

This is not what we were hoping for...however, our faith is still in a God who heals.  We have a peace that He is in control.  We will be assertive, doing what is within our power to do (following Dr.s orders, changing diet and researching other wellness measures).   We are thankful for medicine and technology that allows cancer patients to live longer, fuller lives...still, we understand that we serve the great Physician.   We are trusting Him for healing, for the miraculous.  

In times like this, I run to the only place I know to go...to my God.  I am so thankful for his Word that ministers to me on so many levels.   I am thankful for the body of Christ that continues to lift us up in prayer and gives us amazing support.   I am thankful for music that God has always used to minister to my soul.   We are blessed.

There are many questions we have that we don't have the answers to.   Many tears have been shed already...I'm sure there are more to come.   We don't know what the future holds.  We are hoping for the best...but honestly, the best the medical profession has to offer us falls short of what we need.  What we need is a miracle.   An honest to goodness touch from the Savior.   We can relate to the woman with the issue of blood who knew that if she could just touch the hem of His garment, she would be made whole.   We know that anything short of His touch will be less than what we need.  We are desperate for a miracle.  We have friends and family all over the world who are praying for us.  We ask that you believe with us for that.   Believe that God will heal.  Believe that God will sustain.  Believe that God will use this situation to bring more people to Him.  Our heart's cry is that God would be glorified in everything we do...we want the way we respond to this crisis to glorify Him as well.

PRAY!   Please don't give up!  We will not give up!  Our spirit's are steadfast in the Lord.   Our hope is in Him.  Join us in this fight...no one fights alone...and if God is for me, who can be against me!   In every part of this journey join us in saying, to God be the glory, great things He has done!   Expect a miracle!

Our Journey (Post #22)

May 28, 2013

The day is growing near for Jeff's follow-up scan.   This time, all the pre-authorization's are in place and we are ready.  Please be in prayer for us between now and Friday morning (when the scan is set to take place).  

Here's where we are now...the cough that has plagued Jeff since his radiation treatment ended is still persistant.   The cough was unproductive  until about a week ago.   The cough changed somewhat at that time and began to sound "wet"...not long after, he did begin to cough stuff up, making him feel better.   His doctor prescribed antibiotics and prednisone for him...as of now, we really can't tell that it's helped.   Tonight he had a pretty violent coughing spell, during which he pulled a muscle or something in his back.  This made it hard for him to breathe without being in pain.  

I won't pretend that all this doesn't concern us.  It does.   However, we trust our God.   We trust that He has a plan for our lives and that He is in control.   Our resolve to give Him the glory in every situation remains.   So that's where we are for now.   We are grateful for all the prayers and support that our friends and family have given throughout this ordeal.   We truly have an amazing support system around us.  

So, I'll change the subject and tell you what else is going on in our lives.    I'll start with the youngest...Abbi is finishing up her 7th grade year with excellence.   Today, she recieved notification that she will be inducted into the Jr. National Honor Society on Thursday night.   She is active in school and church and makes sure that we have plenty to talk about at the dinner table each night!   She's a beautiful young lady and we are blessed to watch her grow.

Doran is finishing up his Jr. year and excels in his studies as well.   He will be inducted into NHS in the fall.   He continues to be an honor student, active on the church praise teams and drama team and our resident source of useless (but interesting) facts.

Zac has recently moved back home with us.  We are happy to have him here and are proud to see the man he has become.   He continues to work as a night auditor at Wakulla Springs lodge and hopefully by moving home, will be able to save up enough money to return to college soon.   He is thoughtful and nice to be around.  And now he helps us drive home advice to his younger brother and sister...pointing out to them that we are not as stupid as they think we are!   He keeps things musical around the house...often answering random questions with a song!

My photography business is going crazy good right now and God continues to open new doors of opportunity for me.   I am toying with the idea of writing a book, however I have decided that God will have to open those doors...I will not be knocking them down.  When the time is right, He will give me the words ... He always does.

Jeff has continued to preach throughout this whole ordeal.  I feel that his sermons are stronger than ever.  He struggles with the cough and it bothers him terribly, but somehow I know that God is using it.   His determination to continue inspite of his ailments has been a testimony of God's faithfulness.  

I've said this many times in the last few months, but I'll say it again tonight.   God is faithful, God is good.    He has promised not to leave us or forsake us...He has kept His promise.   We can face Friday without fear because we know that He will be there with us.   Keep us in prayer...I'll let you know sometime next week what the test results are.

Our Journey (Entry #21)

April 29, 2013

It's been more than a month since my last post.   I've had much to say but unfortunately, I've let a busy schedule keep me from posting.   Tonight I am burning the midnight oil...not by choice.   I'm nursing a bum shoulder (I've self-diagnosed it to be some kind of rotator cuff issue...hoping I'm wrong and it's just a pulled muscle.)   Anyway, the shoulder is keeping me from finding a comfortable resting position, so I am up and I figured this would be a good time to post.

Later this week, Jeff will go back in for a follow-up scan to see is the cancer is still shrinking.   We are praying for it to be gone, proving the Dr's wrong as we were told that it is scientifically impossible for this cancer to be gone 100%.   They don't know our God!   I'm asking everyone to join us in prayer this week for complete healing.  

I'm finding my spirit agitated tonight...perhaps even a little irrated.   I'm asking God to help me with these feelings...giving them to Him as I've done so many times before.   This morning, in Jeff's message, he talked about the faith of a child.   The way a child trusts his father to catch him, the way he trusts that his needs will be met.   I've been meditating all day on that one little juicy morsel and realizing that God wants me to trust Him just that completely.  To be able to say to Him, "We are facing things that are unknown and scarey, but we KNOW that we need not worry...You are there."   I've found that saying it and doing it are two different things.    I say it often, I even believe it...but doing it...well that's a horse of a different color.

Why is that, I wonder?   Why don't I just close my eyes and leap into His arms?  He has never failed me and I know that He is there.   Still, I find myself perplexed by the time that I spend worrying about things that I cannot control.    Uggggh!

I've made up my mind though...I want to do more than just say I trust Him...I'm putting my faith into action.   I trust Him with my feelings.  Afterall, He knows that I struggle with feelings of rejection and fear...only He can take those feelings and turn them into wholeness.   I trust Him with my health...whether it's my struggle with asthma or a bum shoulder or my husband's cancer, He can handle every issue.   I trust Him with my family.  He loves them even more than I do...how can I not trust Him?  I trust Him with my future, He holds it in His hands.

I'm not there yet...everyday, I'm learning to trust Him more.   I'm quite sure that tomorrow I will find myself giving my anxiety to Him again...and the next day...and the next.   Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word.  Just to rest upon His promise, just to know, thus saith the Lord.  Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. How I've proved Him o'er and o'er.  Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust Him more.

That's my prayer tonight...Oh for grace to trust Him more!   To trust Him like a child trusts her Daddy.   Help me trust You, Abba Father!

Our Journey (Entry #20)

March 3, 2013

I had planned to post tonight, asking our friends to join us prayer for tomorrow's scan.  However, Friday at 5:00, we received a call notifying us that we did not have authorization for this scan and it would have to be postponed until such authorization could be obtained.  Once again, my very plan oriented husband, was not a happy camper.  But I'm happy to say, I watched him school his emotions right in front of me...and just like that, he put the situation in God's hands.

I too, found myself very frustrated with the whole mess, but we trust God and know that every detail is in his hands.  Granted, waiting the last 2 months has not been easy.   (I almost think it's easier when you are doing treatment...at least then you are "doing" something.)   But when that call came on Friday, I realized something very important.  Jeff and I both have grown through this whole ordeal.   We did not respond the same way we would have 6 months ago.   We have learned to trust God.  

We will have to wait until tomorrow to see when the scan can be done.   As of now, we have a Dr.'s appointment scheduled for Thursday.  That may have to change too, but we will not worry about that.  Whenever the scan does take place, we are praying that we will see proof of Jeff's healing. 

We ask you to join us in these ways:  1)Pray that approval for the scan comes through tomorrow with no hassel.  2) Pray that the scan shows that the cancer is gone.  3) Pray that Jeff's cough goes away and his strength returns and 4) pray that God continues to be glorified in this struggle.

We are confident that God is healing or has healed Jeff.   Still, we have moments of fear when it seems that perhaps the enemy is gaining ground.  It's in these moments that I remember the father in Mark 9:24, when he exclaimed, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief."   God doesn' t just want my brave face...He wants me to admit when I not so brave and let Him help me with my struggle.   God understands that we are anxious about this test...even as I admit that, He stands ready to strengthen my belief and help me overcome my unbelief.   We are in His hands.  We trust Him.  We will willingly wait for His perfect timing.  Lord, teach us how to wait on You!