It's funny how God orders our steps sometimes. We think our direction is this way...when He says, Nope, it's that way. Kinda like a divine GPS that is never wrong. A couple of years ago, I picked up a TomTom on a Black Friday and soon found a really funny "George W" voice for it. I love having George W. guide me on trips, because he would say things like "bear left...but I don't know what kinda bear it is...a brown bear or a grizzly bear." Problem was, many times George would not take the route I wanted so I would force him to recalcuate the route. Faithfully, he would do it - whether it was the best way or not. I've grown so accustomed to being able to demand that the route be recalculated that when God ordered my steps in a way that I didn't want to go, I once again demanded...RECALCULATE!!! Guess what...God (unlike George) doesn't take orders from me!
When life began to take a turn that I didn't like, I screamed, "Recalculate!" When it appeared that no one was listening, I tried to force a plan change by making a turn in the opposite direction. But God, in His infinte wisdom has my every step planned out...even the ones that will take me down a difficult road. It is usually during the "wrong turns" that I learn the most and I decide that trusting Him isn't so bad afterall.
Recently, I questioned why we have to go this way. Why does it have to be cancer? And why does it have to be a cancer that is life threatening? There is one thing I have to say though...even when I don't understand the way He is taking me, I know that He will not lead me wrong and He will walk every step of the way with me. Not only that, but He goes before me and comes behind me!
Last Wednesday, Jeff was rescanned to see how his body is responding to chemo. This is the first scan that I haven't had scan-xiety over. I can't explain it but I know God is in control of the outcome of that scan. We have prayed. We believe that the scan will show healing. We are trusting God for a miracle. But we understand who orders every step we take.
Many of you have said that I need to change the way I talk about Jeff's healing and begin speaking of it as if we already have proof. I understand that. I do believe he is healed. However, I also believe that God intends for us to walk EVERY step of this route He has planned for us. He doesn't intend for us to walk it alone but every step is important. Please don't think our faith is failing when we don't claim the unseen in every post. We believe with all our hearts that he is going to be healed or possibly has already been healed. But we cannot discount the people that He has allowed our paths to cross...people that we have been able to minister to, all because Jeff has cancer. What if we had been able to order God to recalculate from the beginning? We never would've walked a single cancer step. That would've been great for us...but what about the people who we've been able to minister to? See, God ordered our steps to meet theirs...at just the right time.
The things we go through in life...hardships, heartache, triumphs, victory and trials. The steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord...even when those steps go through rough places.
Friday, we will see the oncologist again and Jeff will have another chemo treatment. He will give us the results of the scan and we will continue walking. Our steps are already ordered. Only God knows what the direction is that we will go...we will trust Him. We appreciate your prayers and so many of you who walk this journey with us.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Our Journey Post #32 (One Year)
Today marks the one year anniversary of the day that rocked our world. The day that sweet doctor had to walk in our room and give us the horrible news, that Jeff had lung cancer. It's been a tumultuous year to say the least. A year of ups and downs, highs and lows. A year in which my emotions have run the gamut...fear, joy, anger, love, sadness, peace....you name it, we've felt it!
September 7th, 2012 took our breath away... the past year has been filled with moments that left us breathless... Today, I find myself feeling incredibly thankful. I find that I am thankful for friends who have decided to partner with us, and walk this journey alongside us. I am so thankful that we are not alone...no one fights alone! I am thankful that our family has grown closer in this year. We've learned not to take each other for granted...to appreciate every moment. I am thankful for our church. They have stood right beside us throughout this journey. They have adjusted to take care of things that Jeff would normally do himself...but has not been able to do. They have prayed for us and over us. They have encouraged us with daily reminders that God is in control and that we can trust Him. And they have loved us and each other in midst of their pastor being sick. You really have no idea how much it means when the people you feel responsible for just love each other. That's the way the body of Christ is supposed to work...when it doesn't, it breaks a pastor's heart (and God's, btw), but when we love each other, healing takes place. Isn't it funny that when we are faced with something that rocks our world, that petty differences take a back seat. Love wins! I am thankful to live in a community that comes together and supports each other in tragic times. We've been surprised by the outpour of love...but we should have expected it, since we've lived here long enough to see it over and over and over again. I'm so glad we decided to call this place home.
Jeff is now recovering from another chemo treatment (one that he had on Tuesday). He began to feel the side effects late yesterday and will most likely spend today in bed. He tolerating this chemo much better though and it seems to be working. We are winning! We both have a confidence that God has this and he will be healed. We don't know when or how, but we feel in our spirits that it is coming. We are thankful for many of you who believe as we do. Thank you for encouraging us and reminding us of God's word. Yes, sometimes even pastors need to be reminded of God's promises. God's word is true and we are standing on His promises.
Life is not the same as it was one year ago today. We have changed. We are more sensitive to people who are facing hard times. Personally, I am much more sympathetic when someone is sick or down (mercy was never my strongsuit!). God has taught me some hard lessons this year. I find myself grateful that he would count me worthy to teach. I've noticed that my children are more affectionate...hugging more (us, not each other...still working on that!) and saying "I love you" and meaning it more and more. Jeff has learned that he cannot control tomorrow...he cannot "make" anything happen. He has learned to trust God a whole new way. He has a new outlook on illness and the necessity of medication. He has learned to let go of his pride and to accept the humility of Christ.
It has not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. We have cried more this year than ever in our marriage. But it has been a year of growing. We have been stretched farther than we thought possible. With growth, new buds of life always spring forth. We are seeing that in our lives now. New buds spring up every day. Buds of humility, love, mercy, longsuffering, patience, kindness and the list goes on. When we ask God to birth those things in us, I believe that many times we have no idea what we are asking for. It just sounds right...even pretty. We have learned that the process to get to those buds is not pretty....it is grueling. Even so, it is worth it.
This week I photographed my teenage daughter's middle school football game. She's a cheerleader and I wanted some good shots so I got down on the field...and stood in the mud all for the cause of the great shot! The game wasn't pretty. We have a great team, but the boys just didn't have it together (mind you, we still won 30-0, but they just made some dumb mistakes). After the game, I got up close to the post game huddle. What I wanted was a great shot but what I got was pep talk from God, delivered by my friend, Coach Eddie Metcalf. I'll paraphrase because I can't remember word for word but he said, "Men, you looked rough out there. You were sloppy and messy. Had we played a better team, we probably would have been spanked. You are better than you played tonight." (Sounds like a great pep-talk, huh?) Stay with me! "But the scoreboard at the end of the game says 30-0 and says that we are the winners. It wasn't pretty but it's a "W". And I'll take a W anyday." (You see last year we only won 1 game...so we know how it feels to lose.)
That's the way I look at this past year. It's been messy. It hasn't been fun. At times we felt like we were losing. But here we are a year later and we are still fighting. Jeff's doc says the chemo is working and we know that God has the power to heal at any moment. To us, each day is a "W"...and we will take a W anyday!!
September 7th, 2012 took our breath away... the past year has been filled with moments that left us breathless... Today, I find myself feeling incredibly thankful. I find that I am thankful for friends who have decided to partner with us, and walk this journey alongside us. I am so thankful that we are not alone...no one fights alone! I am thankful that our family has grown closer in this year. We've learned not to take each other for granted...to appreciate every moment. I am thankful for our church. They have stood right beside us throughout this journey. They have adjusted to take care of things that Jeff would normally do himself...but has not been able to do. They have prayed for us and over us. They have encouraged us with daily reminders that God is in control and that we can trust Him. And they have loved us and each other in midst of their pastor being sick. You really have no idea how much it means when the people you feel responsible for just love each other. That's the way the body of Christ is supposed to work...when it doesn't, it breaks a pastor's heart (and God's, btw), but when we love each other, healing takes place. Isn't it funny that when we are faced with something that rocks our world, that petty differences take a back seat. Love wins! I am thankful to live in a community that comes together and supports each other in tragic times. We've been surprised by the outpour of love...but we should have expected it, since we've lived here long enough to see it over and over and over again. I'm so glad we decided to call this place home.
Jeff is now recovering from another chemo treatment (one that he had on Tuesday). He began to feel the side effects late yesterday and will most likely spend today in bed. He tolerating this chemo much better though and it seems to be working. We are winning! We both have a confidence that God has this and he will be healed. We don't know when or how, but we feel in our spirits that it is coming. We are thankful for many of you who believe as we do. Thank you for encouraging us and reminding us of God's word. Yes, sometimes even pastors need to be reminded of God's promises. God's word is true and we are standing on His promises.
Life is not the same as it was one year ago today. We have changed. We are more sensitive to people who are facing hard times. Personally, I am much more sympathetic when someone is sick or down (mercy was never my strongsuit!). God has taught me some hard lessons this year. I find myself grateful that he would count me worthy to teach. I've noticed that my children are more affectionate...hugging more (us, not each other...still working on that!) and saying "I love you" and meaning it more and more. Jeff has learned that he cannot control tomorrow...he cannot "make" anything happen. He has learned to trust God a whole new way. He has a new outlook on illness and the necessity of medication. He has learned to let go of his pride and to accept the humility of Christ.
It has not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. We have cried more this year than ever in our marriage. But it has been a year of growing. We have been stretched farther than we thought possible. With growth, new buds of life always spring forth. We are seeing that in our lives now. New buds spring up every day. Buds of humility, love, mercy, longsuffering, patience, kindness and the list goes on. When we ask God to birth those things in us, I believe that many times we have no idea what we are asking for. It just sounds right...even pretty. We have learned that the process to get to those buds is not pretty....it is grueling. Even so, it is worth it.
This week I photographed my teenage daughter's middle school football game. She's a cheerleader and I wanted some good shots so I got down on the field...and stood in the mud all for the cause of the great shot! The game wasn't pretty. We have a great team, but the boys just didn't have it together (mind you, we still won 30-0, but they just made some dumb mistakes). After the game, I got up close to the post game huddle. What I wanted was a great shot but what I got was pep talk from God, delivered by my friend, Coach Eddie Metcalf. I'll paraphrase because I can't remember word for word but he said, "Men, you looked rough out there. You were sloppy and messy. Had we played a better team, we probably would have been spanked. You are better than you played tonight." (Sounds like a great pep-talk, huh?) Stay with me! "But the scoreboard at the end of the game says 30-0 and says that we are the winners. It wasn't pretty but it's a "W". And I'll take a W anyday." (You see last year we only won 1 game...so we know how it feels to lose.)
That's the way I look at this past year. It's been messy. It hasn't been fun. At times we felt like we were losing. But here we are a year later and we are still fighting. Jeff's doc says the chemo is working and we know that God has the power to heal at any moment. To us, each day is a "W"...and we will take a W anyday!!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Our Journey (Post #31) Seeking a Second Opinion
Get a second opinion. We've been told that over and over in the past year. It seems that everyone knows someone who was dying of cancer, then they went for a second opinion and miraculously, they are now cancer free. We are fighting this disease with all the strength and wisdom God gives us, so it was only natural that we would seek a second opinion. But where does one start?
The information that is out there is very confusing but over and over, we were told to check out MD Anderson and Moffitt. We set up an appointment with MD Anderson (our doctors already work with Moffitt so we feel like we are getting the benefit they can provide already). The appointment was set for this past Friday in the morning. Thursday morning we got our kids ready for school, packed our bags and headed out...thank you, Jesus, that we had a few tasks to complete before we could leave town. After a trip to the post office and bank, we headed to the gas station to fill up. Our tank was almost full when I heard Jeff's phone ring. Then I heard, "Really? Well, I gave you that information a month ago...(long pause), so you are saying that we shouldn't come...we cannot be treated there? Ok, thank you." He returned to the car and said, "Well, so much for that, we are going home." Wait, back up the dog...what do you mean we are going home? No, we are not! We are going to get a second opinion!
Long story short, our insurance would not agree to cover any expenses at MDA so we were in fact NOT GOING. From here the day grew a little comical. Jeff made a call to our insurance company to find out what the problem was. The lady on the other end explained to him that our policy was actually a HMO policy and that they "only cover treatment in Florida facilities". Ok, MDA is in Orlando...you don't get anymore "Florida" than Orlando!!! Oh, but we don't cover MDA! We DO cover 53 hospitals in Florida and you can certainly seek treatment from any of those. Ok, great...can you please give us the names of those facilities. Absolutely, please give us your zipcode (why does that matter?) So, he gives her our zipcode and she informs us that there are 2 hospitals that we can go to...Tallahassee Memorial and Capital Regional...are you kidding me??? He laughs, and then proceeds to tell her that we have already tapped into the best that Tallahassee has to offer...we need to see someone at a more specialized hospital...a facility that specializes in cancer research/treatment. So, she widens her search. After a few moments (and if she hadn't been on speaker phone I never would have believed it) she comes up with another (more hilarious) solution. She says, "Oh, I see here that there is another facility in your area! (She was very excited!) You can go to um, Calhoun-Liberty General in Blountstown, FL!" Now, if you work there, this is NOT a slam on you...but exactly which general practicioner did she want us to seek a second opinion from? I was born in this hospital (back when they still delivered babies), but now if you have more than a cold or a simple broken bone, you are NOT going to seek treatment at this facility. For those of you who don't live in this area, I've included a picture!
The information that is out there is very confusing but over and over, we were told to check out MD Anderson and Moffitt. We set up an appointment with MD Anderson (our doctors already work with Moffitt so we feel like we are getting the benefit they can provide already). The appointment was set for this past Friday in the morning. Thursday morning we got our kids ready for school, packed our bags and headed out...thank you, Jesus, that we had a few tasks to complete before we could leave town. After a trip to the post office and bank, we headed to the gas station to fill up. Our tank was almost full when I heard Jeff's phone ring. Then I heard, "Really? Well, I gave you that information a month ago...(long pause), so you are saying that we shouldn't come...we cannot be treated there? Ok, thank you." He returned to the car and said, "Well, so much for that, we are going home." Wait, back up the dog...what do you mean we are going home? No, we are not! We are going to get a second opinion!
Long story short, our insurance would not agree to cover any expenses at MDA so we were in fact NOT GOING. From here the day grew a little comical. Jeff made a call to our insurance company to find out what the problem was. The lady on the other end explained to him that our policy was actually a HMO policy and that they "only cover treatment in Florida facilities". Ok, MDA is in Orlando...you don't get anymore "Florida" than Orlando!!! Oh, but we don't cover MDA! We DO cover 53 hospitals in Florida and you can certainly seek treatment from any of those. Ok, great...can you please give us the names of those facilities. Absolutely, please give us your zipcode (why does that matter?) So, he gives her our zipcode and she informs us that there are 2 hospitals that we can go to...Tallahassee Memorial and Capital Regional...are you kidding me??? He laughs, and then proceeds to tell her that we have already tapped into the best that Tallahassee has to offer...we need to see someone at a more specialized hospital...a facility that specializes in cancer research/treatment. So, she widens her search. After a few moments (and if she hadn't been on speaker phone I never would have believed it) she comes up with another (more hilarious) solution. She says, "Oh, I see here that there is another facility in your area! (She was very excited!) You can go to um, Calhoun-Liberty General in Blountstown, FL!" Now, if you work there, this is NOT a slam on you...but exactly which general practicioner did she want us to seek a second opinion from? I was born in this hospital (back when they still delivered babies), but now if you have more than a cold or a simple broken bone, you are NOT going to seek treatment at this facility. For those of you who don't live in this area, I've included a picture!
It was at this point that we just began to laugh. Okay God, we get it...we understand that our faith cannot be in any MAN's opinion...only in His!
We are now unsure of what where we will go. We are still pursuing a couple of options. But this we understand. God will open the door or doors He wants us to go through...we will NOT kick them down. We have an incredible peace that He has this under control and that He will heal Jeff. It is an indescrible peace that even if I used every word in my limited vocabulary, I could not find the right words to make you understand.
We have been so blessed! Yesterday, our communtiy had a benefit on our behalf. The numbers are still coming in but so far several thousand dollars have been raised to help with our medical expenses. While that blows us away, the love that has been shown to us is even more special...you can't put a pricetag on that. We have been overwhelmed by the friends and family who pray for us everyday. People who just call or email or facebook us, just to say, we are praying for you...and you know that they mean it. We are blessed beyond measure! Pressed down, shaken together and RUNNING OVER!
Our God is awesome! He has a sense of humor and keeps us laughing even in the most tense situations. He is faithful, even when we are faithless! No matter how bad our situation gets (or yours), if we will take time to look, we can see God's hand of blessing in the midst of it. Oh God, help me to always look for your hand...without it, life is meanless and mundane. But with it, I can face any storm!
Oh, and by the way...why do we NEED a second opinion anyway? God says he is healed! Anything else is an "opinion" but when God says it...it is a FACT---Jack!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Our Journey (Post #30)
In Jesus Name, by Darlene Zscech, is a wonderful song! A wonderful reminder that God is fighting for us and that we are victorious in Him! As upbeat as I tend to be (by nature), that is something that I sometimes lose sight of. I'm thankful tonight for the reminder.
In recent days, we have been dealing with the effects of Jeff's cancer progression. His cough continues and now my asthma seems to be in overdrive. When you battle that for a while, weakness is inevitable. I'm so thankful though that God always sends me reminders when I grow weak. Right now, He has me studying about Gideon...someone who was characterized by fear, doubt and questioning. Yet, in his weakness, God proved Himself strong. He reminds me to trust Him through His word, through songs like this, and through friends who allow themselves to be used by Him.
Over the past couple of weeks (a time when I have struggled the most with believing), He has sent friends and even strangers to bless us and remind us that He has not forgotten. A friend, out of the blue, gave us a weekend at the beach (which we will take in just a couple of weeks). Another friend replaced our useless dishwasher with a brand new one. Another sent me for a pedicure. Others sent money or just did things that needed doing...just because. A group of fellow business women set up a benefit for us and now several churches have joined in. I really don't know how He could say, "I see where you are and I've got this" any louder.
Although I haven't doubted that God is in control, I sometimes do question whether I am just being overly optimistic. Jeff said at one Dr. appt that I was in denial. That I didn't want to talk about the possibility of him dying. Well, I had to really take a hard look at myself. I don't want to be in denial...there are things I need to learn to do and business I need to learn to handle. But I still truly believe that God is going to heal him. How do I find a balance between having faith and being realistic? Is there a balance or are you just one way or another? I don't have an answer for that one. I just know that somewhere deep in my core, there is something that tells me that I have to trust God. No matter what the doctor says, no matter what well meaning (but doubting) friends say, no matter what my husband even says...I just have to believe. Unbelief is not an option for me. That doesn't mean that I don't have doubts from time to time. It doesn't mean that I have super-faith or that I don't experience fear and worry. It does mean that when I feel that way, I run to Jesus.
Like Gideon...when the things I am facing don't make sense...I will trust Him. When my enemy appears to be overwhelming...I will trust Him. When my plans are whittled away at by a God with a better plan...I will trust Him. I trust Him...not because I have this great, unshakable faith, but because He is the only one I can trust. Who else can I go to? He's all I have...but He's all I need.
Recently a friend talked with me about a struggle she was facing. After many years in one line of work, she feels that God may be calling her to another line of work (that will result in a large pay cut and lifestyle change). She is a believer, yet she really struggles with taking this leap of faith. She was kind of beating herself up because even after putting out multiple fleeces and God answering each of them miraculously, she still is having a hard time with this. We all face things that we have a hard time trusting God with. Sometimes it feels like God is stripping away everything that would make believing easier. But if we can somehow push through...trevail in prayer...relentlessly persue His presence. Faith will come. God is faithful! He was for Gideon...He will be for me. I will continue to trust Him. " He is fighting for us, He is on our side, He has overcome. I will live, I will not die. The resurrection power of Christ, alive in me and I am free!!! In Jesus Name!!" Free from fear, free from doubt, free from sickness, free from death, FREE! Free to believe!!!
In recent days, we have been dealing with the effects of Jeff's cancer progression. His cough continues and now my asthma seems to be in overdrive. When you battle that for a while, weakness is inevitable. I'm so thankful though that God always sends me reminders when I grow weak. Right now, He has me studying about Gideon...someone who was characterized by fear, doubt and questioning. Yet, in his weakness, God proved Himself strong. He reminds me to trust Him through His word, through songs like this, and through friends who allow themselves to be used by Him.
Over the past couple of weeks (a time when I have struggled the most with believing), He has sent friends and even strangers to bless us and remind us that He has not forgotten. A friend, out of the blue, gave us a weekend at the beach (which we will take in just a couple of weeks). Another friend replaced our useless dishwasher with a brand new one. Another sent me for a pedicure. Others sent money or just did things that needed doing...just because. A group of fellow business women set up a benefit for us and now several churches have joined in. I really don't know how He could say, "I see where you are and I've got this" any louder.
Although I haven't doubted that God is in control, I sometimes do question whether I am just being overly optimistic. Jeff said at one Dr. appt that I was in denial. That I didn't want to talk about the possibility of him dying. Well, I had to really take a hard look at myself. I don't want to be in denial...there are things I need to learn to do and business I need to learn to handle. But I still truly believe that God is going to heal him. How do I find a balance between having faith and being realistic? Is there a balance or are you just one way or another? I don't have an answer for that one. I just know that somewhere deep in my core, there is something that tells me that I have to trust God. No matter what the doctor says, no matter what well meaning (but doubting) friends say, no matter what my husband even says...I just have to believe. Unbelief is not an option for me. That doesn't mean that I don't have doubts from time to time. It doesn't mean that I have super-faith or that I don't experience fear and worry. It does mean that when I feel that way, I run to Jesus.
Like Gideon...when the things I am facing don't make sense...I will trust Him. When my enemy appears to be overwhelming...I will trust Him. When my plans are whittled away at by a God with a better plan...I will trust Him. I trust Him...not because I have this great, unshakable faith, but because He is the only one I can trust. Who else can I go to? He's all I have...but He's all I need.
Recently a friend talked with me about a struggle she was facing. After many years in one line of work, she feels that God may be calling her to another line of work (that will result in a large pay cut and lifestyle change). She is a believer, yet she really struggles with taking this leap of faith. She was kind of beating herself up because even after putting out multiple fleeces and God answering each of them miraculously, she still is having a hard time with this. We all face things that we have a hard time trusting God with. Sometimes it feels like God is stripping away everything that would make believing easier. But if we can somehow push through...trevail in prayer...relentlessly persue His presence. Faith will come. God is faithful! He was for Gideon...He will be for me. I will continue to trust Him. " He is fighting for us, He is on our side, He has overcome. I will live, I will not die. The resurrection power of Christ, alive in me and I am free!!! In Jesus Name!!" Free from fear, free from doubt, free from sickness, free from death, FREE! Free to believe!!!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Our Journey Post 29
July 15, 2013
We knew this day might come. The day when the chemo has taken it toll and Jeff's hair would let go. Actually, it started happening several days ago and I prayed that God would give us a few days to come to grips with the changes before we had to shave his head. God is good. He gave us a week to deal with the emotions that inevitably come with hair loss.
As long as I have known Jeff, his hair has been part of his personality. I met him in college (a Christian college with a dress code that included hair length, mind you). He came stolling across campus in a denim duster coat, long hair (that has since been dubbed a "mullet", but at the time was very cool!), and sun glasses. Everyone on campus seemed to know him...they might not know his name but they knew his hair! Spiked on top and long in the back. He even had the Dean (Balzano) paying for his haircuts at one point and managed to get an invitation to do the devotion in chapel in exchange for one of his trims!
The first time I took him home to meet my mom, we stopped before we got to the house and took his pony tail out. I wasn't sure my little country bumpkin mama could handle all that hair, but I loved it! She was so funny...she pulled me to the back room and asked, "Did you know that his hair is longer than yours?"....Well mom, yep, I noticed!
One of my favorite pictures of him on our wedding day is him flipping his hair out of the collar of his tux. I would watch him spike each individual hair, using more hair product than I ever dreamed. He was in his late 20's when the first glimpses of gray started to appear and although he continued to get more and more gray, he still had more pepper than salt in the mix.
We were so happy with his first round of chemo because they told us that he wouldn't lose his hair. But when they had to change the drug and we learned that this was a side effect...it just made me sad. Now, don't get me wrong. I come from a family of bald men that I dearly love. I think they are some of the most handsome men on this Earth. So in no way was my sadness attached to any thoughts that husband would not be as attractive to me without hair. I knew that he would still be incredibly sexy to me with or without hair. No, my sadness instead was instead because I knew how much he loved his hair. In the 80's it was his statement. In the 90's it helped him
relate to the kids he pastored. In the new millinium it has set him apart as a different kind of pastor...not one that you could just look at and say, "Hey, I bet he's a preacher." He wanted folks to hear what he had to say and many times, believe it or not, his hair acted as an ice breaker to let him share the love of Christ with folks who had long given up on church. I was sad for him...not for me. So last night, as I put that blasted razor to his head, I had no choice but to give my sadness to the Lord.
I know it may seem silly to many of you, but this step was a hard one for me. It was hard to be the one to shave his head. Then again, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it. This morning I woke up to his beautiful bald head. And it is quite beautiful. It is a small price to pay. When I think of how they plucked out the beard of my savior. How they must have hurt Him and humiliated Him. It's then that am able to pull myself out of this pity party. Because He endured the worst, we are able to survive the bad.
So yes, this is not what I had planned for our lives. But this is a "light and momentary" affliction. Christ was beaten and whipped for us. He was nailed to a cross, naked and alone...for us. We can face Cancer without fear, because Christ took stripes for our healing. We continue to pray and ask for divine healing. If He chooses to send it through a chemo drug that causes hair loss...I will not complain. I will not look at his bald head with disdain...but rather with a love I cannot explain. I am so in love with this man and as I look at him napping now (because the chemo just drains his energy), I am overwhelmed by how much I love his new look. Whether it is a permanent change or just a temporary look, I will enjoy it. Every single moment.
Hey, at least I don't have to worry about him using up all the hot water anymore to get his hair washed!!
We knew this day might come. The day when the chemo has taken it toll and Jeff's hair would let go. Actually, it started happening several days ago and I prayed that God would give us a few days to come to grips with the changes before we had to shave his head. God is good. He gave us a week to deal with the emotions that inevitably come with hair loss.
The first time I took him home to meet my mom, we stopped before we got to the house and took his pony tail out. I wasn't sure my little country bumpkin mama could handle all that hair, but I loved it! She was so funny...she pulled me to the back room and asked, "Did you know that his hair is longer than yours?"....Well mom, yep, I noticed!One of my favorite pictures of him on our wedding day is him flipping his hair out of the collar of his tux. I would watch him spike each individual hair, using more hair product than I ever dreamed. He was in his late 20's when the first glimpses of gray started to appear and although he continued to get more and more gray, he still had more pepper than salt in the mix.
relate to the kids he pastored. In the new millinium it has set him apart as a different kind of pastor...not one that you could just look at and say, "Hey, I bet he's a preacher." He wanted folks to hear what he had to say and many times, believe it or not, his hair acted as an ice breaker to let him share the love of Christ with folks who had long given up on church. I was sad for him...not for me. So last night, as I put that blasted razor to his head, I had no choice but to give my sadness to the Lord.
I know it may seem silly to many of you, but this step was a hard one for me. It was hard to be the one to shave his head. Then again, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it. This morning I woke up to his beautiful bald head. And it is quite beautiful. It is a small price to pay. When I think of how they plucked out the beard of my savior. How they must have hurt Him and humiliated Him. It's then that am able to pull myself out of this pity party. Because He endured the worst, we are able to survive the bad.
So yes, this is not what I had planned for our lives. But this is a "light and momentary" affliction. Christ was beaten and whipped for us. He was nailed to a cross, naked and alone...for us. We can face Cancer without fear, because Christ took stripes for our healing. We continue to pray and ask for divine healing. If He chooses to send it through a chemo drug that causes hair loss...I will not complain. I will not look at his bald head with disdain...but rather with a love I cannot explain. I am so in love with this man and as I look at him napping now (because the chemo just drains his energy), I am overwhelmed by how much I love his new look. Whether it is a permanent change or just a temporary look, I will enjoy it. Every single moment.
Hey, at least I don't have to worry about him using up all the hot water anymore to get his hair washed!!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Our Journey (Post 28)
Friday, June 28, 2013
I have wanted to update this blog for a couple of days now, but time and illness have kept me at bay. Monday, Doran introduced a nasty stomach bug to our household...remind me to thank him! On Tuesday we went to get a chemo treatment and it went well. On Wednesday, Jeff was feeling pretty good and our day went very well. Then came Thursday...
Thursday morning, I awoke with a terrible headache (that Tylenol wouldn't touch) and a sick feeling in my stomach. Jeff woke up feeling like he had been hit by a truck. He had pain in all his joints and we generally not feeling well. As the day wore on, we both felt worse and worse. Bleh!
Today, I woke up feeling better and was hoping for the same for him...it was not to be...he was in a LOT of pain. Then the princess, Abbi, stirred and reported that now SHE didn't feel so good. At this point I am ready to scream...enough sickness...get out of my house!
Isn't it funny that when we hit our low point, God is just getting ready to do something amazing! I sat on the sofa, having a little pity party and wondering if God could even see me anymore. Not long after that a friend called to tell me that her husband was on his way to our house with a dishwasher.
Now, let me back up and tell you, our dishwasher went out on us a few months ago...I think it was in March. With the cost of medical bills and an uncertainty about our future, we didn't want to go into more debt to get a new one. Plus, we have 3 able bodied children who are perfectly capable of washing dishes. At first it was quite a chore to get them to do it, but they caught on pretty quick (however, they never stopped complaining!).
I saw that my friends were getting rid of a dishwasher and messaged them to see if I could get it. They said sure and plans were made for them to deliver it today. So, they pull up today with a box in the back of the truck and I'm thinking, wow, they put the old dishwasher in the box from the new one...they are so organized! So then I learn that not only did they bring it but now they are going to install it for us...how I held the tears back I will never know! Still I had no idea just how big this blessing was gonna be. They proceed to remove the old dishwasher (which was no easy feat) and then tear open the box for the new one. Yes, that's right... a NEW one. Brand spanking new! I had to leave the room and go pull myself together. These precious people not only went out and bought us a new dishwasher, they worked for over 2 hours installing it!
Tonight, the dishes are washing (quietly) as I write. No "Doran needs to come rinse these dishes" or "Why do I have to wash tonight" or "I can't wash because she didn't put the dishes away last night"! Just a quiet little whirrr. Ahhhh peace! How I have missed you!
As if that wasn't enough, another friend sent over some fresh field peas...straight from heaven, I mean the garden! Oh Lord, You DO see me! I didn't ask for the new dishwasher...but You saw fit to bless me with it. I didn't ask for the bounty from the garden...but again, you have blessed me. He uses people that just let themselves be used. People who simply say, "Here I am, Lord, send me". See, their mission field wasn't a foreign country today. It wasn't an inner city shelter or even a half-way house. Today, their mission field was a friend who needed what they had. It was a pastor's wife who was at the end of her rope and needed to know that God cared. They were God's hands extended to me, today. A sweet reminder that God blesses us, not with "things" but with people who are precious and who are willing to use their giftings to bless others.
Thank you, God, for friends. Precious people who don't just say they have faith, but put their faith into action. Help me to always be ready to use what I have to bless others. I am blessed to be a blessing.
I have wanted to update this blog for a couple of days now, but time and illness have kept me at bay. Monday, Doran introduced a nasty stomach bug to our household...remind me to thank him! On Tuesday we went to get a chemo treatment and it went well. On Wednesday, Jeff was feeling pretty good and our day went very well. Then came Thursday...
Thursday morning, I awoke with a terrible headache (that Tylenol wouldn't touch) and a sick feeling in my stomach. Jeff woke up feeling like he had been hit by a truck. He had pain in all his joints and we generally not feeling well. As the day wore on, we both felt worse and worse. Bleh!
Today, I woke up feeling better and was hoping for the same for him...it was not to be...he was in a LOT of pain. Then the princess, Abbi, stirred and reported that now SHE didn't feel so good. At this point I am ready to scream...enough sickness...get out of my house!
Isn't it funny that when we hit our low point, God is just getting ready to do something amazing! I sat on the sofa, having a little pity party and wondering if God could even see me anymore. Not long after that a friend called to tell me that her husband was on his way to our house with a dishwasher.
Now, let me back up and tell you, our dishwasher went out on us a few months ago...I think it was in March. With the cost of medical bills and an uncertainty about our future, we didn't want to go into more debt to get a new one. Plus, we have 3 able bodied children who are perfectly capable of washing dishes. At first it was quite a chore to get them to do it, but they caught on pretty quick (however, they never stopped complaining!).
I saw that my friends were getting rid of a dishwasher and messaged them to see if I could get it. They said sure and plans were made for them to deliver it today. So, they pull up today with a box in the back of the truck and I'm thinking, wow, they put the old dishwasher in the box from the new one...they are so organized! So then I learn that not only did they bring it but now they are going to install it for us...how I held the tears back I will never know! Still I had no idea just how big this blessing was gonna be. They proceed to remove the old dishwasher (which was no easy feat) and then tear open the box for the new one. Yes, that's right... a NEW one. Brand spanking new! I had to leave the room and go pull myself together. These precious people not only went out and bought us a new dishwasher, they worked for over 2 hours installing it!
Tonight, the dishes are washing (quietly) as I write. No "Doran needs to come rinse these dishes" or "Why do I have to wash tonight" or "I can't wash because she didn't put the dishes away last night"! Just a quiet little whirrr. Ahhhh peace! How I have missed you!
As if that wasn't enough, another friend sent over some fresh field peas...straight from heaven, I mean the garden! Oh Lord, You DO see me! I didn't ask for the new dishwasher...but You saw fit to bless me with it. I didn't ask for the bounty from the garden...but again, you have blessed me. He uses people that just let themselves be used. People who simply say, "Here I am, Lord, send me". See, their mission field wasn't a foreign country today. It wasn't an inner city shelter or even a half-way house. Today, their mission field was a friend who needed what they had. It was a pastor's wife who was at the end of her rope and needed to know that God cared. They were God's hands extended to me, today. A sweet reminder that God blesses us, not with "things" but with people who are precious and who are willing to use their giftings to bless others.
Thank you, God, for friends. Precious people who don't just say they have faith, but put their faith into action. Help me to always be ready to use what I have to bless others. I am blessed to be a blessing.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Our Journey - Post 27 (Double barrels)
Well, I must've ticked off the devil with yesterday's post! Today, he has come at us with both barrels. Today, we learned that the fluid is back on Jeff's lungs. The creatinine level in is kidneys still is not at a safe level for him to begin the chemo (Alimpta) that the doctor wanted to use...soooo we will start a different kind of chemo on Friday and after that he will have the fluid drained from his lungs again.
I am still holding fast to the promises of God. We believe that his healing is done...we continue to praise God for it, even though we can't see it yet.
Today, I sat down and read a little book that a friend sent me about Holy Communion and how it brings health and wholeness (Joseph Prince). It was eye-opening for me and so I started sharing it with Jeff...believe it or not, that is exactly what the sermon he had just finished writing was about. I'm sorry, I have to believe that is God. Jesus' body was broken so that we can be whole and live in health. I just had never considered that truth about communion.
Another study that I am doing reminded me that not all facts are true. The facts are that Jeff has cancer. The facts say that the type of cancer he has drastically shortens your life. Only problem is the facts don't factor in the TRUTH. The TRUTH says that Christ was broken and bruised so that we can be healed. The TRUTH says that when we call on Him, He will answer. The TRUTH says that He will give us long life (Ps 91). Facts are great, but we choose to believe TRUTH over facts.
Tonight Jeff has been struggling quite a bit. He preached and did a great job, but as soon as we got home, he nearly collapsed with exhaustion and shortly after the coughing came back with a vengence. So I'm sitting up tonight...praying over my husband. Claiming truth for him. I will man my post as long as necessary. Others are on watch with me. All over the world, I know folks are praying for him. Please don't stop.
The devil came at us today with both barrels...but I intend to hit him with an atom bomb! Do not mess with a wife who understands how powerful the God she serves is. Not in my own power but with the power of God in me, I will proclaim that TRUTH will win!
I am still holding fast to the promises of God. We believe that his healing is done...we continue to praise God for it, even though we can't see it yet.
Today, I sat down and read a little book that a friend sent me about Holy Communion and how it brings health and wholeness (Joseph Prince). It was eye-opening for me and so I started sharing it with Jeff...believe it or not, that is exactly what the sermon he had just finished writing was about. I'm sorry, I have to believe that is God. Jesus' body was broken so that we can be whole and live in health. I just had never considered that truth about communion.
Another study that I am doing reminded me that not all facts are true. The facts are that Jeff has cancer. The facts say that the type of cancer he has drastically shortens your life. Only problem is the facts don't factor in the TRUTH. The TRUTH says that Christ was broken and bruised so that we can be healed. The TRUTH says that when we call on Him, He will answer. The TRUTH says that He will give us long life (Ps 91). Facts are great, but we choose to believe TRUTH over facts.
Tonight Jeff has been struggling quite a bit. He preached and did a great job, but as soon as we got home, he nearly collapsed with exhaustion and shortly after the coughing came back with a vengence. So I'm sitting up tonight...praying over my husband. Claiming truth for him. I will man my post as long as necessary. Others are on watch with me. All over the world, I know folks are praying for him. Please don't stop.
The devil came at us today with both barrels...but I intend to hit him with an atom bomb! Do not mess with a wife who understands how powerful the God she serves is. Not in my own power but with the power of God in me, I will proclaim that TRUTH will win!
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