This week has been a crazy week! Emotions have been running high...both on Facebook and in our home! The reasons aren't the same but it occurred to me this morning that the outcome is...chaos.
This week Phil Robertson answered a question during an interview and overnight, Facebook became a battleground. First, let me say, I support Phil and believe that what he said is from the Bible and therefore true. I don't believe he said any of it maliciously or with hatred in his heart, but nonetheless he spoke the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. What has amazed me, however, is the reaction of Christians. Before you tune me out, let me say this...I do believe that we must stand up for what we believe. We must always stand up for the cause of Christ and never waver on that. That being said, I believe there are many of us who have acted this week "in the flesh" and not "by His spirit". I've read comments this week that proclaimed hatred instead of love. Some have championed the cause of "Free Speech" with such venom that they have in fact silenced their testimony to lost world that is watching the way Christians react.
Yesterday, Jeff had a chemo treatment. While we were there, a couple came in and sat beside me. I was reading at the time so I did not see their faces, just noticed that they had sat down right next to me. Soon after, one of the other patients got up to leave and as she left, she wished everyone in the room a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Several said, "Merry Christmas" back as she walked out the door. This couple next to me, however, had a different reaction. For the next several minutes, I listened as the lady "ranted" to the man about how rude it was for people to say Merry Christmas...just assuming everyone in the room was Christian. She went on to state that she didn't understand why it made people mad when she said Happy Holidays...that was her right, after all. A few minutes passed and another patient finished their treatment and rose to leave...again, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. This time the lady, very snippily responded, "Happy Holidays".
My first reaction was, "she needs to chill"...but then I believe the Holy Spirit allowed me to see her through God's eyes. I don't know why she doesn't believe...but I know that regardless of whether she does or doesn't, He still loves her. Her remark offended me, but it didn't offend Him. See He loves us in our sin...whether we like it or not. I know this is weird but I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to just smile at her as we left. Not to wish her or anyone else in the room anything. Just smile. My flesh wanted to say Merry Christmas and tell her all about Jesus. But my spirit said I should just shut up and smile. That wasn't nearly as instantly gratifying as a Merry Christmas would have been, but who do I put my trust in? Me or God? He was doing this long before I came on the scene so I think I'll trust Him. So as we left, I just looked at her and smiled. And she smiled back...sorta. That's it...I don't know where her story goes from there, only God does. Perhaps He'll use that smile to start something.
Starting something...that's what some of us are aiming for. But we need to pause and ask ourselves a question. What are we trying to start. A fight? A conversation? Or an opportunity to share the love of Christ? Perhaps, if we will take a moment, just a moment, to pray before we speak, what we have to say might actually be heard. Perhaps, if we allow ourselves to be led by the Spirit, He will pave the way.
I believe that Phil's remarks in His interview were Spirit led...let's be careful to make sure that our reactions are as well. Ok...enough on that...
I told you its been a crazy week...it has. On Monday one of my dearest friends found out that she has a tumor on her kidney and other masses present in the lymph nodes as well. She is facing surgery and possibly chemo/radiation. Hearing this news brought back a flood of emotions as I hurt for her and her family...knowing the fear and concern all too well. Then later this week I heard from a friend who already had learned that her cancer had returned. A follow-up visit to the doctor resulted in more bad news...a very risky surgery and more chemo/radiation are in her future. On Wednesday a friend's dad had a stroke, however thankfully by the end of the day was being deemed a miracle by his doctors. As I write this, yet another friend is facing a screening for cancer since a routine test came back abnormal. Chaos!! That's what it feels like!
This morning was the culmination of an out of control week as I found myself attempting to clean a house that has been neglected due to a crazy schedule. I was nearly to the point of hyperventilation when once again I felt the spirit nudge me to take a breath and be careful about the way I was responding to my family. Sadly, I had already snapped but quickly He brought me back into line and reminded me that a heartfelt apology goes a long way. The house is quiet now and clean...er. Still not exactly what I wanted but people are more important. The way I treat them and speak to them is important. I don't like chaos...I don't respond well to it. Jesus speaks peace to my chaos. No matter where the chaos is coming from, He always seems to be able to speak peace to my storm. He calms the winds that rage...whether it is do to an injustice or an illness or just a life that feels out of conrol...He always speaks peace. I'm glad I know the Peace Speaker.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Our Journey #35
"Learning to lean, learning to lean, I'm learning to lean on Jesus..." The words of an old song resonate in my heart this morning. Leaning isn't something that we are taught...in fact, I remember being taught the opposite, "if you have time to lean...". But leaning is a key factor in my walk with Christ and He wants me to learn to do it.
Leaning, in today's society, has a negative connotation attached to it. It implies weakness or even laziness in our fast paced, self-sufficient world. We are taught that we must learn to stand on our own, show no weakness. We are taught that to lean or rest is a waste of precious time and resources. I have found, however, that if we don't learn to lean, we will evenually crumble.
The last year and a half has been a season of leaning for us. We have had to learn to lean on friends, learn to lean on doctors, learn to NOT lean on our own understanding but more importantly, learn to lean on Jesus. God has been faithful, in every instance that He has required that we "lean" on something we don't understand, He has exceeded our expectations and met our needs in ways that better than we could have done on our own.
One of those times of leaning came over the Summer when someone that we knew casually approached me on Facebook and told me how God had laid it on her heart to bless us with a weekend getaway. Immediately, though I was touched, I had to swallow my pride. I enjoy being on the giving end, but being on the recieving end would require me to "learn to lean" and that wasn't something I was particularly interested in at the moment. Over the next few weeks, the trip was planned. I learned during the course of the planning that our friend was really having to trust God for the money to pay for the trip. God provided every penny, yet it was so hard for us to accept the gift, knowing that this family didn't have great resources. I had to learn to lean on God's better judgement...He knew where the resources would come from. I had to learn to lean on friend who had heard from God. Still, I found the whole ordeal to be a stretching of my faith and if I'm honest...very uncomfortable.
The weekend came and we spent some quality time with our kids, being able to unplug for a couple of days. We had learned shortly before the weekend that Jeff's cancer had returned so this was a time for us to just enjoy each other's company. I thought that was the end of it...but this week, God has shown me that He had an even greater purpose in that particular time of leaning.
The precious lady who provided the weekend for us, had shared with me that she was a cancer survivor and all that God had miraculously provided for her. It built my faith and helped me get through a very scary time. This week I recieved an email from her and God brought our story full circle. You see, after years of being cancer-free, she found out this week that she once again has cancer. It's not in the same place and at this point, they don't really have a good grip on the prognosis, but nevertheless, it's back. She will have to undergo chemo and most likely radiation again.
It was in this email that she said to me that she feels like God has prepared her for this battle by reading my blog and watching us fight our own battle. Wow. That blew me away. You mean because I voiced my fears and wrote about God's faithfulness, she now feels like she can face this battle? But sometimes I've just been ranting! I was leaning the whole time...but He used it to give someone else strength.
The next part of that song says, "finding more power (strength) than I'd ever dreamed..." and that is exactly where I am this morning. Rejoicing, because God has used the silly and sometimes senseless rantings of this scared and helpless servant to bring assurance and peace to someone who is on the edge of the fight of their life. Not because of my words, because they were nothing, but because His faithfulness shines in the midst of our struggle. As I have learned to lean, I am finding more power...power to help others through their struggles, power to face my own struggle, power to give pride a black eye and learn to lean even more. Oh Lord, help me get this deep inside...help me learn to lean on You.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Leaning, in today's society, has a negative connotation attached to it. It implies weakness or even laziness in our fast paced, self-sufficient world. We are taught that we must learn to stand on our own, show no weakness. We are taught that to lean or rest is a waste of precious time and resources. I have found, however, that if we don't learn to lean, we will evenually crumble.
The last year and a half has been a season of leaning for us. We have had to learn to lean on friends, learn to lean on doctors, learn to NOT lean on our own understanding but more importantly, learn to lean on Jesus. God has been faithful, in every instance that He has required that we "lean" on something we don't understand, He has exceeded our expectations and met our needs in ways that better than we could have done on our own.
One of those times of leaning came over the Summer when someone that we knew casually approached me on Facebook and told me how God had laid it on her heart to bless us with a weekend getaway. Immediately, though I was touched, I had to swallow my pride. I enjoy being on the giving end, but being on the recieving end would require me to "learn to lean" and that wasn't something I was particularly interested in at the moment. Over the next few weeks, the trip was planned. I learned during the course of the planning that our friend was really having to trust God for the money to pay for the trip. God provided every penny, yet it was so hard for us to accept the gift, knowing that this family didn't have great resources. I had to learn to lean on God's better judgement...He knew where the resources would come from. I had to learn to lean on friend who had heard from God. Still, I found the whole ordeal to be a stretching of my faith and if I'm honest...very uncomfortable.
The weekend came and we spent some quality time with our kids, being able to unplug for a couple of days. We had learned shortly before the weekend that Jeff's cancer had returned so this was a time for us to just enjoy each other's company. I thought that was the end of it...but this week, God has shown me that He had an even greater purpose in that particular time of leaning.
The precious lady who provided the weekend for us, had shared with me that she was a cancer survivor and all that God had miraculously provided for her. It built my faith and helped me get through a very scary time. This week I recieved an email from her and God brought our story full circle. You see, after years of being cancer-free, she found out this week that she once again has cancer. It's not in the same place and at this point, they don't really have a good grip on the prognosis, but nevertheless, it's back. She will have to undergo chemo and most likely radiation again.
It was in this email that she said to me that she feels like God has prepared her for this battle by reading my blog and watching us fight our own battle. Wow. That blew me away. You mean because I voiced my fears and wrote about God's faithfulness, she now feels like she can face this battle? But sometimes I've just been ranting! I was leaning the whole time...but He used it to give someone else strength.
The next part of that song says, "finding more power (strength) than I'd ever dreamed..." and that is exactly where I am this morning. Rejoicing, because God has used the silly and sometimes senseless rantings of this scared and helpless servant to bring assurance and peace to someone who is on the edge of the fight of their life. Not because of my words, because they were nothing, but because His faithfulness shines in the midst of our struggle. As I have learned to lean, I am finding more power...power to help others through their struggles, power to face my own struggle, power to give pride a black eye and learn to lean even more. Oh Lord, help me get this deep inside...help me learn to lean on You.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Our Journey (Entry #34)
Thanksgiving is just a few days around the corner and since I'm the only one awake at my house, I thought now would be a good time to post a Thanksgiving blog. Mind you, I may decide to write another one next week, but just in case!
I have so much to be thankful for this year. Most recently, we received the results of Jeff's latest CT scan and we're very happy to hear that the cancer is shrinking. The two masses in his lungs are down by 40 to 50 percent. There were several nodgules that they were looking at...and those have either disappeared, or diminished to the point that they are no longer of concern. Jeff's strength has returned and though he is not at 100%, he is feeling very well. We are thankful for this report because it reminds us that God is healing him. This is something we've believed all along but it is nice to have it confirmed from time to time.
I am thankful for my family. For my children who have endured this storm like troopers. It hasn't been easy for them to see their daddy struggle like this, but they have been great. I'm thankful that God has blessed each of them with different skill sets and talents. I pray that I am able to encourage them and set them up for the success that I believe God has in store for them.
I am thankful for my in-laws...and by the way, I hate to call them that. They are Jeff's family, but they took me in 24+ years ago and have treated me like one of them ever since. I love them and am delighted that we will get to spend a few days with them after Christmas.
I am thankful for my mother and my brothers and sisters and their families. They have been so supportive through this whole struggle and I have leaned on them greatly. It's one thing to love your family...it's another thing to enjoy spending time with them. I have to say that when we are together...whether it's the whole gang or just a couple of us, we truly enjoy each other.
I am so very, very, very thankful for my husband. He is the love of my life and everyday I am reminded of what a treasure he is. He always looks out for and protects his family. He takes care of us. He treats me like a princess. He prays for me and blesses me. He leads me. He loves me...unconditionally. I could go on and on but I could never express how truly grateful I am that God brought us together. He is my answered prayer.
I am thankful for my church. Some churches would have asked a sickly pastor to step down so they could find someone who could care for them. Our didn't. They just stepped in and loved us. They have prayed for us and many have become armor bearers in the midst of this. God has blessed us with fine folks who truly love people. Because of their faithfulness, our ministry has been able to continue without missing a beat.
I am thankful for this community. They have risen to the occassion and supported us like we never dreamed possible. They have prayed for us. Worn bracelets for us. Given financial gifts to help with medical expenses. Given of their time, talents and resources. I believe this is the greatest place on Earth!
I am thankful for friends around the world. Friends who have prayed for us and blessed us in so many ways. Friends who, think about us even when there is really nothing going on. Just because I don't post for a few weeks doesn't mean that we don't still need prayer. In fact the opposite is more true. Many times I don't post because we are so busy that I don't have time. So please keep on praying!
I am thankful for my photography business. Folks who know me, know that I LOVE the photography part...not so much on the business part. But God is teaching me and allowing me to do what I love. And I am staying busy. Thank you Jesus for every client!
When I look at my list of things I am thankful for, I don't see things...I see people. I'm gonna skip Black Friday this year...think I'll spend it with those that I am thankful for instead. Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!
I have so much to be thankful for this year. Most recently, we received the results of Jeff's latest CT scan and we're very happy to hear that the cancer is shrinking. The two masses in his lungs are down by 40 to 50 percent. There were several nodgules that they were looking at...and those have either disappeared, or diminished to the point that they are no longer of concern. Jeff's strength has returned and though he is not at 100%, he is feeling very well. We are thankful for this report because it reminds us that God is healing him. This is something we've believed all along but it is nice to have it confirmed from time to time.
I am thankful for my family. For my children who have endured this storm like troopers. It hasn't been easy for them to see their daddy struggle like this, but they have been great. I'm thankful that God has blessed each of them with different skill sets and talents. I pray that I am able to encourage them and set them up for the success that I believe God has in store for them.
I am thankful for my in-laws...and by the way, I hate to call them that. They are Jeff's family, but they took me in 24+ years ago and have treated me like one of them ever since. I love them and am delighted that we will get to spend a few days with them after Christmas.
I am thankful for my mother and my brothers and sisters and their families. They have been so supportive through this whole struggle and I have leaned on them greatly. It's one thing to love your family...it's another thing to enjoy spending time with them. I have to say that when we are together...whether it's the whole gang or just a couple of us, we truly enjoy each other.
I am so very, very, very thankful for my husband. He is the love of my life and everyday I am reminded of what a treasure he is. He always looks out for and protects his family. He takes care of us. He treats me like a princess. He prays for me and blesses me. He leads me. He loves me...unconditionally. I could go on and on but I could never express how truly grateful I am that God brought us together. He is my answered prayer.
I am thankful for my church. Some churches would have asked a sickly pastor to step down so they could find someone who could care for them. Our didn't. They just stepped in and loved us. They have prayed for us and many have become armor bearers in the midst of this. God has blessed us with fine folks who truly love people. Because of their faithfulness, our ministry has been able to continue without missing a beat.
I am thankful for this community. They have risen to the occassion and supported us like we never dreamed possible. They have prayed for us. Worn bracelets for us. Given financial gifts to help with medical expenses. Given of their time, talents and resources. I believe this is the greatest place on Earth!
I am thankful for friends around the world. Friends who have prayed for us and blessed us in so many ways. Friends who, think about us even when there is really nothing going on. Just because I don't post for a few weeks doesn't mean that we don't still need prayer. In fact the opposite is more true. Many times I don't post because we are so busy that I don't have time. So please keep on praying!
I am thankful for my photography business. Folks who know me, know that I LOVE the photography part...not so much on the business part. But God is teaching me and allowing me to do what I love. And I am staying busy. Thank you Jesus for every client!
When I look at my list of things I am thankful for, I don't see things...I see people. I'm gonna skip Black Friday this year...think I'll spend it with those that I am thankful for instead. Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Our Journey Post #33
It's funny how God orders our steps sometimes. We think our direction is this way...when He says, Nope, it's that way. Kinda like a divine GPS that is never wrong. A couple of years ago, I picked up a TomTom on a Black Friday and soon found a really funny "George W" voice for it. I love having George W. guide me on trips, because he would say things like "bear left...but I don't know what kinda bear it is...a brown bear or a grizzly bear." Problem was, many times George would not take the route I wanted so I would force him to recalcuate the route. Faithfully, he would do it - whether it was the best way or not. I've grown so accustomed to being able to demand that the route be recalculated that when God ordered my steps in a way that I didn't want to go, I once again demanded...RECALCULATE!!! Guess what...God (unlike George) doesn't take orders from me!
When life began to take a turn that I didn't like, I screamed, "Recalculate!" When it appeared that no one was listening, I tried to force a plan change by making a turn in the opposite direction. But God, in His infinte wisdom has my every step planned out...even the ones that will take me down a difficult road. It is usually during the "wrong turns" that I learn the most and I decide that trusting Him isn't so bad afterall.
Recently, I questioned why we have to go this way. Why does it have to be cancer? And why does it have to be a cancer that is life threatening? There is one thing I have to say though...even when I don't understand the way He is taking me, I know that He will not lead me wrong and He will walk every step of the way with me. Not only that, but He goes before me and comes behind me!
Last Wednesday, Jeff was rescanned to see how his body is responding to chemo. This is the first scan that I haven't had scan-xiety over. I can't explain it but I know God is in control of the outcome of that scan. We have prayed. We believe that the scan will show healing. We are trusting God for a miracle. But we understand who orders every step we take.
Many of you have said that I need to change the way I talk about Jeff's healing and begin speaking of it as if we already have proof. I understand that. I do believe he is healed. However, I also believe that God intends for us to walk EVERY step of this route He has planned for us. He doesn't intend for us to walk it alone but every step is important. Please don't think our faith is failing when we don't claim the unseen in every post. We believe with all our hearts that he is going to be healed or possibly has already been healed. But we cannot discount the people that He has allowed our paths to cross...people that we have been able to minister to, all because Jeff has cancer. What if we had been able to order God to recalculate from the beginning? We never would've walked a single cancer step. That would've been great for us...but what about the people who we've been able to minister to? See, God ordered our steps to meet theirs...at just the right time.
The things we go through in life...hardships, heartache, triumphs, victory and trials. The steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord...even when those steps go through rough places.
Friday, we will see the oncologist again and Jeff will have another chemo treatment. He will give us the results of the scan and we will continue walking. Our steps are already ordered. Only God knows what the direction is that we will go...we will trust Him. We appreciate your prayers and so many of you who walk this journey with us.
When life began to take a turn that I didn't like, I screamed, "Recalculate!" When it appeared that no one was listening, I tried to force a plan change by making a turn in the opposite direction. But God, in His infinte wisdom has my every step planned out...even the ones that will take me down a difficult road. It is usually during the "wrong turns" that I learn the most and I decide that trusting Him isn't so bad afterall.
Recently, I questioned why we have to go this way. Why does it have to be cancer? And why does it have to be a cancer that is life threatening? There is one thing I have to say though...even when I don't understand the way He is taking me, I know that He will not lead me wrong and He will walk every step of the way with me. Not only that, but He goes before me and comes behind me!
Last Wednesday, Jeff was rescanned to see how his body is responding to chemo. This is the first scan that I haven't had scan-xiety over. I can't explain it but I know God is in control of the outcome of that scan. We have prayed. We believe that the scan will show healing. We are trusting God for a miracle. But we understand who orders every step we take.
Many of you have said that I need to change the way I talk about Jeff's healing and begin speaking of it as if we already have proof. I understand that. I do believe he is healed. However, I also believe that God intends for us to walk EVERY step of this route He has planned for us. He doesn't intend for us to walk it alone but every step is important. Please don't think our faith is failing when we don't claim the unseen in every post. We believe with all our hearts that he is going to be healed or possibly has already been healed. But we cannot discount the people that He has allowed our paths to cross...people that we have been able to minister to, all because Jeff has cancer. What if we had been able to order God to recalculate from the beginning? We never would've walked a single cancer step. That would've been great for us...but what about the people who we've been able to minister to? See, God ordered our steps to meet theirs...at just the right time.
The things we go through in life...hardships, heartache, triumphs, victory and trials. The steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord...even when those steps go through rough places.
Friday, we will see the oncologist again and Jeff will have another chemo treatment. He will give us the results of the scan and we will continue walking. Our steps are already ordered. Only God knows what the direction is that we will go...we will trust Him. We appreciate your prayers and so many of you who walk this journey with us.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Our Journey Post #32 (One Year)
Today marks the one year anniversary of the day that rocked our world. The day that sweet doctor had to walk in our room and give us the horrible news, that Jeff had lung cancer. It's been a tumultuous year to say the least. A year of ups and downs, highs and lows. A year in which my emotions have run the gamut...fear, joy, anger, love, sadness, peace....you name it, we've felt it!
September 7th, 2012 took our breath away... the past year has been filled with moments that left us breathless... Today, I find myself feeling incredibly thankful. I find that I am thankful for friends who have decided to partner with us, and walk this journey alongside us. I am so thankful that we are not alone...no one fights alone! I am thankful that our family has grown closer in this year. We've learned not to take each other for granted...to appreciate every moment. I am thankful for our church. They have stood right beside us throughout this journey. They have adjusted to take care of things that Jeff would normally do himself...but has not been able to do. They have prayed for us and over us. They have encouraged us with daily reminders that God is in control and that we can trust Him. And they have loved us and each other in midst of their pastor being sick. You really have no idea how much it means when the people you feel responsible for just love each other. That's the way the body of Christ is supposed to work...when it doesn't, it breaks a pastor's heart (and God's, btw), but when we love each other, healing takes place. Isn't it funny that when we are faced with something that rocks our world, that petty differences take a back seat. Love wins! I am thankful to live in a community that comes together and supports each other in tragic times. We've been surprised by the outpour of love...but we should have expected it, since we've lived here long enough to see it over and over and over again. I'm so glad we decided to call this place home.
Jeff is now recovering from another chemo treatment (one that he had on Tuesday). He began to feel the side effects late yesterday and will most likely spend today in bed. He tolerating this chemo much better though and it seems to be working. We are winning! We both have a confidence that God has this and he will be healed. We don't know when or how, but we feel in our spirits that it is coming. We are thankful for many of you who believe as we do. Thank you for encouraging us and reminding us of God's word. Yes, sometimes even pastors need to be reminded of God's promises. God's word is true and we are standing on His promises.
Life is not the same as it was one year ago today. We have changed. We are more sensitive to people who are facing hard times. Personally, I am much more sympathetic when someone is sick or down (mercy was never my strongsuit!). God has taught me some hard lessons this year. I find myself grateful that he would count me worthy to teach. I've noticed that my children are more affectionate...hugging more (us, not each other...still working on that!) and saying "I love you" and meaning it more and more. Jeff has learned that he cannot control tomorrow...he cannot "make" anything happen. He has learned to trust God a whole new way. He has a new outlook on illness and the necessity of medication. He has learned to let go of his pride and to accept the humility of Christ.
It has not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. We have cried more this year than ever in our marriage. But it has been a year of growing. We have been stretched farther than we thought possible. With growth, new buds of life always spring forth. We are seeing that in our lives now. New buds spring up every day. Buds of humility, love, mercy, longsuffering, patience, kindness and the list goes on. When we ask God to birth those things in us, I believe that many times we have no idea what we are asking for. It just sounds right...even pretty. We have learned that the process to get to those buds is not pretty....it is grueling. Even so, it is worth it.
This week I photographed my teenage daughter's middle school football game. She's a cheerleader and I wanted some good shots so I got down on the field...and stood in the mud all for the cause of the great shot! The game wasn't pretty. We have a great team, but the boys just didn't have it together (mind you, we still won 30-0, but they just made some dumb mistakes). After the game, I got up close to the post game huddle. What I wanted was a great shot but what I got was pep talk from God, delivered by my friend, Coach Eddie Metcalf. I'll paraphrase because I can't remember word for word but he said, "Men, you looked rough out there. You were sloppy and messy. Had we played a better team, we probably would have been spanked. You are better than you played tonight." (Sounds like a great pep-talk, huh?) Stay with me! "But the scoreboard at the end of the game says 30-0 and says that we are the winners. It wasn't pretty but it's a "W". And I'll take a W anyday." (You see last year we only won 1 game...so we know how it feels to lose.)
That's the way I look at this past year. It's been messy. It hasn't been fun. At times we felt like we were losing. But here we are a year later and we are still fighting. Jeff's doc says the chemo is working and we know that God has the power to heal at any moment. To us, each day is a "W"...and we will take a W anyday!!
September 7th, 2012 took our breath away... the past year has been filled with moments that left us breathless... Today, I find myself feeling incredibly thankful. I find that I am thankful for friends who have decided to partner with us, and walk this journey alongside us. I am so thankful that we are not alone...no one fights alone! I am thankful that our family has grown closer in this year. We've learned not to take each other for granted...to appreciate every moment. I am thankful for our church. They have stood right beside us throughout this journey. They have adjusted to take care of things that Jeff would normally do himself...but has not been able to do. They have prayed for us and over us. They have encouraged us with daily reminders that God is in control and that we can trust Him. And they have loved us and each other in midst of their pastor being sick. You really have no idea how much it means when the people you feel responsible for just love each other. That's the way the body of Christ is supposed to work...when it doesn't, it breaks a pastor's heart (and God's, btw), but when we love each other, healing takes place. Isn't it funny that when we are faced with something that rocks our world, that petty differences take a back seat. Love wins! I am thankful to live in a community that comes together and supports each other in tragic times. We've been surprised by the outpour of love...but we should have expected it, since we've lived here long enough to see it over and over and over again. I'm so glad we decided to call this place home.
Jeff is now recovering from another chemo treatment (one that he had on Tuesday). He began to feel the side effects late yesterday and will most likely spend today in bed. He tolerating this chemo much better though and it seems to be working. We are winning! We both have a confidence that God has this and he will be healed. We don't know when or how, but we feel in our spirits that it is coming. We are thankful for many of you who believe as we do. Thank you for encouraging us and reminding us of God's word. Yes, sometimes even pastors need to be reminded of God's promises. God's word is true and we are standing on His promises.
Life is not the same as it was one year ago today. We have changed. We are more sensitive to people who are facing hard times. Personally, I am much more sympathetic when someone is sick or down (mercy was never my strongsuit!). God has taught me some hard lessons this year. I find myself grateful that he would count me worthy to teach. I've noticed that my children are more affectionate...hugging more (us, not each other...still working on that!) and saying "I love you" and meaning it more and more. Jeff has learned that he cannot control tomorrow...he cannot "make" anything happen. He has learned to trust God a whole new way. He has a new outlook on illness and the necessity of medication. He has learned to let go of his pride and to accept the humility of Christ.
It has not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. We have cried more this year than ever in our marriage. But it has been a year of growing. We have been stretched farther than we thought possible. With growth, new buds of life always spring forth. We are seeing that in our lives now. New buds spring up every day. Buds of humility, love, mercy, longsuffering, patience, kindness and the list goes on. When we ask God to birth those things in us, I believe that many times we have no idea what we are asking for. It just sounds right...even pretty. We have learned that the process to get to those buds is not pretty....it is grueling. Even so, it is worth it.
This week I photographed my teenage daughter's middle school football game. She's a cheerleader and I wanted some good shots so I got down on the field...and stood in the mud all for the cause of the great shot! The game wasn't pretty. We have a great team, but the boys just didn't have it together (mind you, we still won 30-0, but they just made some dumb mistakes). After the game, I got up close to the post game huddle. What I wanted was a great shot but what I got was pep talk from God, delivered by my friend, Coach Eddie Metcalf. I'll paraphrase because I can't remember word for word but he said, "Men, you looked rough out there. You were sloppy and messy. Had we played a better team, we probably would have been spanked. You are better than you played tonight." (Sounds like a great pep-talk, huh?) Stay with me! "But the scoreboard at the end of the game says 30-0 and says that we are the winners. It wasn't pretty but it's a "W". And I'll take a W anyday." (You see last year we only won 1 game...so we know how it feels to lose.)
That's the way I look at this past year. It's been messy. It hasn't been fun. At times we felt like we were losing. But here we are a year later and we are still fighting. Jeff's doc says the chemo is working and we know that God has the power to heal at any moment. To us, each day is a "W"...and we will take a W anyday!!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Our Journey (Post #31) Seeking a Second Opinion
Get a second opinion. We've been told that over and over in the past year. It seems that everyone knows someone who was dying of cancer, then they went for a second opinion and miraculously, they are now cancer free. We are fighting this disease with all the strength and wisdom God gives us, so it was only natural that we would seek a second opinion. But where does one start?
The information that is out there is very confusing but over and over, we were told to check out MD Anderson and Moffitt. We set up an appointment with MD Anderson (our doctors already work with Moffitt so we feel like we are getting the benefit they can provide already). The appointment was set for this past Friday in the morning. Thursday morning we got our kids ready for school, packed our bags and headed out...thank you, Jesus, that we had a few tasks to complete before we could leave town. After a trip to the post office and bank, we headed to the gas station to fill up. Our tank was almost full when I heard Jeff's phone ring. Then I heard, "Really? Well, I gave you that information a month ago...(long pause), so you are saying that we shouldn't come...we cannot be treated there? Ok, thank you." He returned to the car and said, "Well, so much for that, we are going home." Wait, back up the dog...what do you mean we are going home? No, we are not! We are going to get a second opinion!
Long story short, our insurance would not agree to cover any expenses at MDA so we were in fact NOT GOING. From here the day grew a little comical. Jeff made a call to our insurance company to find out what the problem was. The lady on the other end explained to him that our policy was actually a HMO policy and that they "only cover treatment in Florida facilities". Ok, MDA is in Orlando...you don't get anymore "Florida" than Orlando!!! Oh, but we don't cover MDA! We DO cover 53 hospitals in Florida and you can certainly seek treatment from any of those. Ok, great...can you please give us the names of those facilities. Absolutely, please give us your zipcode (why does that matter?) So, he gives her our zipcode and she informs us that there are 2 hospitals that we can go to...Tallahassee Memorial and Capital Regional...are you kidding me??? He laughs, and then proceeds to tell her that we have already tapped into the best that Tallahassee has to offer...we need to see someone at a more specialized hospital...a facility that specializes in cancer research/treatment. So, she widens her search. After a few moments (and if she hadn't been on speaker phone I never would have believed it) she comes up with another (more hilarious) solution. She says, "Oh, I see here that there is another facility in your area! (She was very excited!) You can go to um, Calhoun-Liberty General in Blountstown, FL!" Now, if you work there, this is NOT a slam on you...but exactly which general practicioner did she want us to seek a second opinion from? I was born in this hospital (back when they still delivered babies), but now if you have more than a cold or a simple broken bone, you are NOT going to seek treatment at this facility. For those of you who don't live in this area, I've included a picture!
The information that is out there is very confusing but over and over, we were told to check out MD Anderson and Moffitt. We set up an appointment with MD Anderson (our doctors already work with Moffitt so we feel like we are getting the benefit they can provide already). The appointment was set for this past Friday in the morning. Thursday morning we got our kids ready for school, packed our bags and headed out...thank you, Jesus, that we had a few tasks to complete before we could leave town. After a trip to the post office and bank, we headed to the gas station to fill up. Our tank was almost full when I heard Jeff's phone ring. Then I heard, "Really? Well, I gave you that information a month ago...(long pause), so you are saying that we shouldn't come...we cannot be treated there? Ok, thank you." He returned to the car and said, "Well, so much for that, we are going home." Wait, back up the dog...what do you mean we are going home? No, we are not! We are going to get a second opinion!
Long story short, our insurance would not agree to cover any expenses at MDA so we were in fact NOT GOING. From here the day grew a little comical. Jeff made a call to our insurance company to find out what the problem was. The lady on the other end explained to him that our policy was actually a HMO policy and that they "only cover treatment in Florida facilities". Ok, MDA is in Orlando...you don't get anymore "Florida" than Orlando!!! Oh, but we don't cover MDA! We DO cover 53 hospitals in Florida and you can certainly seek treatment from any of those. Ok, great...can you please give us the names of those facilities. Absolutely, please give us your zipcode (why does that matter?) So, he gives her our zipcode and she informs us that there are 2 hospitals that we can go to...Tallahassee Memorial and Capital Regional...are you kidding me??? He laughs, and then proceeds to tell her that we have already tapped into the best that Tallahassee has to offer...we need to see someone at a more specialized hospital...a facility that specializes in cancer research/treatment. So, she widens her search. After a few moments (and if she hadn't been on speaker phone I never would have believed it) she comes up with another (more hilarious) solution. She says, "Oh, I see here that there is another facility in your area! (She was very excited!) You can go to um, Calhoun-Liberty General in Blountstown, FL!" Now, if you work there, this is NOT a slam on you...but exactly which general practicioner did she want us to seek a second opinion from? I was born in this hospital (back when they still delivered babies), but now if you have more than a cold or a simple broken bone, you are NOT going to seek treatment at this facility. For those of you who don't live in this area, I've included a picture!
It was at this point that we just began to laugh. Okay God, we get it...we understand that our faith cannot be in any MAN's opinion...only in His!
We are now unsure of what where we will go. We are still pursuing a couple of options. But this we understand. God will open the door or doors He wants us to go through...we will NOT kick them down. We have an incredible peace that He has this under control and that He will heal Jeff. It is an indescrible peace that even if I used every word in my limited vocabulary, I could not find the right words to make you understand.
We have been so blessed! Yesterday, our communtiy had a benefit on our behalf. The numbers are still coming in but so far several thousand dollars have been raised to help with our medical expenses. While that blows us away, the love that has been shown to us is even more special...you can't put a pricetag on that. We have been overwhelmed by the friends and family who pray for us everyday. People who just call or email or facebook us, just to say, we are praying for you...and you know that they mean it. We are blessed beyond measure! Pressed down, shaken together and RUNNING OVER!
Our God is awesome! He has a sense of humor and keeps us laughing even in the most tense situations. He is faithful, even when we are faithless! No matter how bad our situation gets (or yours), if we will take time to look, we can see God's hand of blessing in the midst of it. Oh God, help me to always look for your hand...without it, life is meanless and mundane. But with it, I can face any storm!
Oh, and by the way...why do we NEED a second opinion anyway? God says he is healed! Anything else is an "opinion" but when God says it...it is a FACT---Jack!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Our Journey (Post #30)
In Jesus Name, by Darlene Zscech, is a wonderful song! A wonderful reminder that God is fighting for us and that we are victorious in Him! As upbeat as I tend to be (by nature), that is something that I sometimes lose sight of. I'm thankful tonight for the reminder.
In recent days, we have been dealing with the effects of Jeff's cancer progression. His cough continues and now my asthma seems to be in overdrive. When you battle that for a while, weakness is inevitable. I'm so thankful though that God always sends me reminders when I grow weak. Right now, He has me studying about Gideon...someone who was characterized by fear, doubt and questioning. Yet, in his weakness, God proved Himself strong. He reminds me to trust Him through His word, through songs like this, and through friends who allow themselves to be used by Him.
Over the past couple of weeks (a time when I have struggled the most with believing), He has sent friends and even strangers to bless us and remind us that He has not forgotten. A friend, out of the blue, gave us a weekend at the beach (which we will take in just a couple of weeks). Another friend replaced our useless dishwasher with a brand new one. Another sent me for a pedicure. Others sent money or just did things that needed doing...just because. A group of fellow business women set up a benefit for us and now several churches have joined in. I really don't know how He could say, "I see where you are and I've got this" any louder.
Although I haven't doubted that God is in control, I sometimes do question whether I am just being overly optimistic. Jeff said at one Dr. appt that I was in denial. That I didn't want to talk about the possibility of him dying. Well, I had to really take a hard look at myself. I don't want to be in denial...there are things I need to learn to do and business I need to learn to handle. But I still truly believe that God is going to heal him. How do I find a balance between having faith and being realistic? Is there a balance or are you just one way or another? I don't have an answer for that one. I just know that somewhere deep in my core, there is something that tells me that I have to trust God. No matter what the doctor says, no matter what well meaning (but doubting) friends say, no matter what my husband even says...I just have to believe. Unbelief is not an option for me. That doesn't mean that I don't have doubts from time to time. It doesn't mean that I have super-faith or that I don't experience fear and worry. It does mean that when I feel that way, I run to Jesus.
Like Gideon...when the things I am facing don't make sense...I will trust Him. When my enemy appears to be overwhelming...I will trust Him. When my plans are whittled away at by a God with a better plan...I will trust Him. I trust Him...not because I have this great, unshakable faith, but because He is the only one I can trust. Who else can I go to? He's all I have...but He's all I need.
Recently a friend talked with me about a struggle she was facing. After many years in one line of work, she feels that God may be calling her to another line of work (that will result in a large pay cut and lifestyle change). She is a believer, yet she really struggles with taking this leap of faith. She was kind of beating herself up because even after putting out multiple fleeces and God answering each of them miraculously, she still is having a hard time with this. We all face things that we have a hard time trusting God with. Sometimes it feels like God is stripping away everything that would make believing easier. But if we can somehow push through...trevail in prayer...relentlessly persue His presence. Faith will come. God is faithful! He was for Gideon...He will be for me. I will continue to trust Him. " He is fighting for us, He is on our side, He has overcome. I will live, I will not die. The resurrection power of Christ, alive in me and I am free!!! In Jesus Name!!" Free from fear, free from doubt, free from sickness, free from death, FREE! Free to believe!!!
In recent days, we have been dealing with the effects of Jeff's cancer progression. His cough continues and now my asthma seems to be in overdrive. When you battle that for a while, weakness is inevitable. I'm so thankful though that God always sends me reminders when I grow weak. Right now, He has me studying about Gideon...someone who was characterized by fear, doubt and questioning. Yet, in his weakness, God proved Himself strong. He reminds me to trust Him through His word, through songs like this, and through friends who allow themselves to be used by Him.
Over the past couple of weeks (a time when I have struggled the most with believing), He has sent friends and even strangers to bless us and remind us that He has not forgotten. A friend, out of the blue, gave us a weekend at the beach (which we will take in just a couple of weeks). Another friend replaced our useless dishwasher with a brand new one. Another sent me for a pedicure. Others sent money or just did things that needed doing...just because. A group of fellow business women set up a benefit for us and now several churches have joined in. I really don't know how He could say, "I see where you are and I've got this" any louder.
Although I haven't doubted that God is in control, I sometimes do question whether I am just being overly optimistic. Jeff said at one Dr. appt that I was in denial. That I didn't want to talk about the possibility of him dying. Well, I had to really take a hard look at myself. I don't want to be in denial...there are things I need to learn to do and business I need to learn to handle. But I still truly believe that God is going to heal him. How do I find a balance between having faith and being realistic? Is there a balance or are you just one way or another? I don't have an answer for that one. I just know that somewhere deep in my core, there is something that tells me that I have to trust God. No matter what the doctor says, no matter what well meaning (but doubting) friends say, no matter what my husband even says...I just have to believe. Unbelief is not an option for me. That doesn't mean that I don't have doubts from time to time. It doesn't mean that I have super-faith or that I don't experience fear and worry. It does mean that when I feel that way, I run to Jesus.
Like Gideon...when the things I am facing don't make sense...I will trust Him. When my enemy appears to be overwhelming...I will trust Him. When my plans are whittled away at by a God with a better plan...I will trust Him. I trust Him...not because I have this great, unshakable faith, but because He is the only one I can trust. Who else can I go to? He's all I have...but He's all I need.
Recently a friend talked with me about a struggle she was facing. After many years in one line of work, she feels that God may be calling her to another line of work (that will result in a large pay cut and lifestyle change). She is a believer, yet she really struggles with taking this leap of faith. She was kind of beating herself up because even after putting out multiple fleeces and God answering each of them miraculously, she still is having a hard time with this. We all face things that we have a hard time trusting God with. Sometimes it feels like God is stripping away everything that would make believing easier. But if we can somehow push through...trevail in prayer...relentlessly persue His presence. Faith will come. God is faithful! He was for Gideon...He will be for me. I will continue to trust Him. " He is fighting for us, He is on our side, He has overcome. I will live, I will not die. The resurrection power of Christ, alive in me and I am free!!! In Jesus Name!!" Free from fear, free from doubt, free from sickness, free from death, FREE! Free to believe!!!
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