Lesson from the Wilderness

There is a stirring in my soul.   I don't know any other way to describe it.   An unsettling.   A sense that He wants me to grow and that somehow perhaps I've grown too comfortable.   That is hard for me to comprehend because it feels very much like I have been in the wilderness...a desert...a dry and desolate place.   I have felt more disconnected, discontent and uncomfortable than I recall feeling for a long time.  

I have blamed it on a lot of things.   The death of my husband and my friend.   A new life with a new husband and the craziness of all that entails (although he is an absolute blessing in my life!)   No longer being in full time ministry.   Being incredibly busy.   Satan attacking because he knows God has something He wants me to do.  Feeling like I no longer am valuable in the kingdom.

However,  God lead me to a passage of scripture and through it He pointed out to me that indeed God himself has led me into this wilderness.   Why would God do this?   Because sometimes there are lessons that can only be learned in the wilderness.   There is a growth and a maturity that comes from time spent in the wilderness.   He leads us into the wilderness to prove to us that he will always be with us.

Look at this passage with me...Matthew3:16-17  Jesus has just been baptized by John the Baptist and God himself speaks and says this is my son and in him I am well pleased.  And look what happens right after in chapter 4... Jesus was led by the spirit into the wilderness.   Did you hear that?   He was led by the spirit into the wilderness.   God led his son, whom He loved, into the wilderness to be tested.   What made me think that my being in the wilderness was a sign that God was unhappy with me?   Or that God no longer heard me?   Or that I didn't matter any more?   That's certainly not why God led His son to the wilderness.   In fact, this passage leads me to believe the opposite is more true...and if God would lead His son, the one He loved and the one who pleased him, into the wilderness, why should I, as a Christ-follower be surprised when He leads me there as well?

When I think "wilderness" in a physical sense, I think adventure.   I live in what many have called the wilderness.   In the middle of the Appalachicola National Forest is the place I call home.   My manly husband loves spending hours deep in the woods (wilderness) and I love going out there with him.   Everytime we go out there, I return with something new I've learned.   What strikes me most about our trips to the woods is the creativity of God.   There are so many different types of plants and animals that my mind cant take it all in.   Yet God created each one and placed them in the perfect place to thrive.   This wilderness, far different from the barren land we read about when the Bible refers to wilderness, is lush and thick with vegetation, yet it still is a place where solitude is possible.   It makes me wonder if that's the idea God has in mind when He leads us there...to take us to a place where distractions fall away and we find ourselves alone with Him?

So why does a spiritual wilderness bother me so much, when I love the physical wilderness.   I think its because I was looking at this place all wrong.    I was looking at the wilderness as a place of punishment, much like it was for the Israelites.   It felt like I was wandering around, lost and alone...abandoned would be a good word.   But after reading about the wilderness Jesus was in, my perpective has changed.   Granted, I want to be certain that my actions don't turn my brief walk in the wilderness into a forty year journey!!!   This requires an attitude check...am I grumbling and complaining or do I see the wilderness as a place to pray, to be alone with God?

I  believe God leads us to the wilderness for seasons in our life.   We can choose to grumble and complain, or we can take in the beauty of our surroundings...and trust that God knows what He is doing!   I choose to do the latter.

Thank you, God, for taking me to the wilderness.   Help me to never resent the times you steal me away to a place of solitude with you.    Help me to trust You and remember that You are preparing me for my future.    Help me to be aware and learn every lesson You wish to teach in the wilderness.

Stop!

My daughter is always challenging me to play new games with her.   Usually, she finds a new game, enjoys it for a few weeks, challenges me to play, gets me hooked and then she moves on to something bigger and better.   And I'm hooked.   Like addicted to this new game!  She did it again this week.   Well, actually she challenged Mike to play and I overheard...couldn't resist!

This new game is called Stop! and it works kinda like Scattegories.   Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE word games so this one had an instant draw.   So the object of the game is to find words that fit into 5 categories that begin with a particular letter and to do it all with only moments on the clock.  Yesterday, I found myself spending valuable time, time that I should've been doing something productive, playing this stupid game!  

I made up words...knowing full well that the words I made didn't fit the category, but hoping against all hope that I could outsmart that blasted game!   In the midst of my frustration with this game, God spoke to me.   I know, that's crazy, but that's the way He gets my "ADD" attention.   Yesterday, He just said, "Stop!"...using a game by the same name.

He showed me how much I depend on my own wisdom and experience for words...and when I do that creates a struggle that brings unwarranted stress into my life.  Whether I am playing a game or trying to counsel a friend,  He reminded me that I was searching for words, when searching for the Word would be a much better use of my time.   You see, it is very easy for me to get lost in a game...but it had been a while since I got lost in the Word.   

I was trying to be a wordsmith, when what I needed was the Word.   John 1:1, tells us that, "in the beginning was the Word, and Word was with God, and the Word was God."   He's been there all along.   

Psalm 119:105 says, "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path."   How many times do I struggle to find my way...to make sense of this crazy world we live in...without going to the Word for direction?   

The odd thing is that I KNOW how much life comes from being in the Word.   You have witnessed how God has spoken to me in my darkest hours through His life-giving Word.   Why in the world would I ever neglect to read His Word?   And I've even been studying for my ordination to become a minister!   What I realized, was that even though I was reading to study for my exam, I had become too busy to actually let the Word minister to me.   I was reading it, but I didn't have time to allow the Lord to speak to me.   I got a mental picture of Him watching me read His Word and then saying, "Stop!   I want this to sink in...you need this more than you know!"    

I realized that when I write, I usually write with the hope that someone will stop, and read it, and find meaning in it.   I believe that desire came straight from God.  I am created in His image, so I believe that desire to have my words not only read, but to have them bring hope to those who read, comes from the one I am created to be like...The Word himself. The One who can speak life-giving words into whatever category of life we find ourselves in, because He is the Word!

Lord, help me STOP everything that would hinder me from Your Word, today!

Which Way?

It is no secret that my new husband, Mike, is completely different from my first husband, Jeff.   Jeff was a city boy, raised in Charlotte, NC.   He loved old rock and roll music and golf.   Mike, on the other hand was raised in Wakulla County, loves country music and hunting/fishing.   But there are some areas where they agreed.   They both shared a very conservative politcal view.   They shared a love for Jesus  and their family and they both have loved me better and more than I deserve.  I have learned so much from both men.  

Recently, Mike has been teaching me how to hunt.   I never thought about how much work it is, or about how much skill it takes.   I guess I just thought hunters were lucky...boy, was I wrong.   It is hard work, let me tell you!    So, as I am learning about all the things you have to do in order to have a successful hunt, I am amazed at the lessons God is teaching me about Him and about my walk with Him.    This is just one of those lessons...I'm sure there will be many.

Mike and his brother-in-law, Butch, are in a hunt club in a neighboring county.   The drive is about an hour, so they have to get up really early to get there before the deer start moving.   The area where they hunt is newly acquired land for the club so trails had to be cut in order for them to have access to the land.    This required weeks of preparation and hard work.   Once the trails were established, Mike took me over to see the place and help check the feeders, cameras and such.  

About 20 minutes in the forest and I couldn't have told you which way was West if my life had depended on it.   I mentioned this to Mike and of course he explained that you watch the position of the sun and other cues.    He walked through the land like it was our backyard...I on the other hand was as lost as lost can be.  

Along the way, I noticed that he would stop ever so often and stick a thumbtack into a tree.   He carefully put one on each side.   Strange...but he's the hunter, I'm just the observer.    When I could take it no more, I finally asked, "Why do you keep doing that?".    "I'm marking the trail", he replied.    With thumbtacks?   It was then that I commented that he probably didn't need trail markers...he was navigating the woods with ease as far as I could tell.

To my surprise, he said that was because it was daytime.    He then went on to tell me that these woods would look totally different at night...and without the help of these little thumbtacks, he would be as lost as I was.   Really?   How is a thumbtack going to help you at night?    Patiently, he showed me the back of the tacks...they were covered in a reflective material.   When a light was shined on the tack, it would glow white...lighting up the trail and keeping the hunter from getting lost.  In the darkness, we can easily become disoriented and lose our way...trail markers keep us on the right path and lead us out.

Wow!  Right then God spoke to my heart.    He pointed out to me that to others it may look like I can navigate this life with ease.    I've studied the Word and though I am no expert, I can find my way with a little effort.    I've recently come through some very hard days and others have commented on how easy I made it look.   But when the darkness fell on my life, I would have been completely lost were it not for the markers that had been set up earlier.    When my family seemed like it would be destroyed by a prodigal son, scriptures that I had hidden in my heart became my trail markers.    When our ministry came under attack, remembering the sufferings of Christ marked my way.   When Jeff was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my faith in God and His faithfulness to me lit up like stars in the sky.  

You see, the thumbtacks were of no good without the reflective backing.   And reflective backing is useless without something to reflect.   Every trial I have experienced, every disappointment, every failure, has become a trail marker.   Why?   Because God has been faithful in every one of them.   His faithfulness in my life reflects His character.    Ephesians 5:13 says, "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light."     When God's light shines on the difficult places in my life, His light is reflected by His faithfulness there.

People have said to me, "I don't know how you did it" or "How did you survive?". It is only by the grace of God that I have been able to navigate the past few years.   It was His faithfullness marking my way and when the darkest of the darkness fell on my life, His light shone on each marker, showing me the path.   He is still placing markers in my life...not just for me, but for others who may come this way.   And one thing I am certain of, when His light shines upon them, the way will be clear for anyone looking.  

Thank you, Lord, for trail markers you have placed in my life.   Though I didn't understand at the time, I am now so thankful for every single one of them.   When the darkness seems suffocating and I feel lost and alone, I need only to let Your light illuminate my way.    

In the Dark Room

Have you ever been scrolling through Facebook when suddenly you see a photo that takes your breath away?   Or maybe you were walking through a hospital and a picture hanging on the wall made you wish you could just step into it...and out of the reality that you were currently in.   We've all seen those photos that we would deem masterpieces, whether it was a photo of your child or a place that you've longed to be.  

I recently had the honor of speaking to a group of ladies who are now where I once was...in the life of full time ministry.   I was given the topic of "Camera" and while preparing my sermon, God did what He always does...He spoke to my heart out of what I consider to be normal, everyday things.    I wanted to share part of that with you, today.

My love of photography began earlier than I can remember.    I have always loved cameras and asked for them as gifts when I was a little girl.   I would take photo after photo and couldn't wait to get them developed so I could see if they turned out the way I envisioned.

In college, I learned how to develop my own film, taking it into the darkroom and putting it through a series of processes so that it would come out as a photo.  The dark room isn't dark for no reason.  (I know that was a double negative but hang with me!)   There is a very important purpose for the darkness.   When I was trained in the dark room, I learned that exposing film to light at that point will absolutely ruin it.   It will be overexposed and completely blown (or white).   It will be useless.   

It is hard to see in the dark room, so I had to learn to trust what I knew.   I had already learned, in the light, where everything was placed in the dark room.    I knew where the table was that held the trays of chemical baths.   I knew what order those trays where in.   I knew where the drying place was.  I learned where the enlarger was and how to use it properly.   I learned where the safe light was so that I  could move around without injuring myself and I learned when it was ok for me to use the safe light. When the lights go out in the dark room, familiarity is most necessary!  

There have been many times in my life when I felt I was in a dark room of sorts.   Perhaps the most memorable was when Jeff was diagnosed with cancer and when he passed away.   It was during those times that I felt as if the world around me was a giant darkroom and I questioned why God would let me go into such a dark place.   I now know that He was developing a masterpiece...something that would stir desire in those who would later behold it.

In the dark room, light sensitive material is developed and turned into something beautiful.   Light sensitive material.   That's me.   I've been exposed to "the Light" and "the Light" has left His mark on me.   My exposure to the Light was wonderful and fun!   I compare it to those mountain top experiences.   Those times when you can feel God so near and you know He is real.   For me, those times are powerful, yet brief.   Perhaps that is because God knows that prolonged exposure would be too much for me to take...it would ruin me.   

Once in the dark room, the marks that came from the Light can be developed, resulting in a beautiful image.   In this dark place, I begin to look at the film with an enlarger.   It moves the image from film (that hard to see and not useful for actually viewing the image), to a base that is used for making prints (allowing us to view a finished product).   Depending on the type of film I've used, safe lights can sometimes be used.   When developing black and white film, you can use a red or amber light to see your way around.  However, when developing color film, one must remain in absolute darkness to preserve full color.   I believe that is the way life is.   Sometimes, it is dark but we can still see a little...we can find our way around in the dark and yet God brings a beautiful picture out in the end.   But sometimes, the developing process will require absolute, pitch black darkness, because what God is developing is something that will be in living color.   Vibrant and rich, but only after absolute darkness.   

Philippians 1:6 says this, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."   In the amplified Bible it is worded like this, "he will continue until the day of Jesus Christ (right up to the time of His return), DEVELOPING (that good work) and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."   God is developing something in me that requires time in the darkest of rooms in order to be what He has envisioned it to be.   

He required that His own Son go to the dark room...did you know that?   Take a look at Matthew 3:17.    Jesus has just been baptized by John the Baptist and look what God says..."This is My Son, My Beloved, in Whom I delight!"...but then look at the very next verse!  Matthew 4:1, "Then Jesus was led(guided) by the (Holy) Spirit into the wilderness (desert) to be tempted (tested and tried) by the devil.   **pindrop silence**   Did you hear that?   God led Jesus (the same One He had just declared to be His BELOVED SON) into the wilderness.   He led Him into the "dark room".   He took Him to a dark place so that He could develop something in Him.   He didn't lead Him there because He was displeased with Him or to punish Him.  In fact it was the opposite...He was developing a masterpiece!

Sometimes we cannot make sense of the dark room.   It's dark after all and it is scary.   But God leads us there, so He can work on us.  So that He can develop what He has already begun in us.   Sometimes, He will allow a safe light...be thankful for those times...but sometimes, the masterpiece He has in mind is so colorful and vibrant, it requires absolute darkness for development.  Sometimes, when the darkness is so thick that we can't see His hand, we have to trust it.   It is during those times that we must remember the things we learned about the dark room when were able to see it in the light.   We must trust the things we learned in the light...we must trust the scriptures that we learned, the experiences we had in a previous encounter.   Sometimes we must fully rely on our memory of what the "Light" has taught us in order to be able to navigate the dark room.  

We must trust that God has a purpose for the dark room.   That just like Christ, being led there is for our good and for a greater purpose, not for our demise.   Are you in a dark room today?   Take courage if you are!!   God has you there so that soon, when He is finished developing you, He can reveal a colorful masterpiece!   One that incites oohs and aahs from those who behold it.    One that leaves others breathless as they take in the masterpiece God has created!!

Oh Lord, help me to never despise the dark room.  Help me to fully trust you there.   And when you are done, reveal Your masterpiece in me!

Mowing the Grass

I did something yesterday that I haven't done in over thirteen years.   I mowed the grass!  I know, doesn't seem exciting at all...unless, you haven't been able to do it because your health wouldn't let you.    You see, in July of 2002, I found myself in an ICU unit, fighting for my life.    The adult onset of asthma not only took me by complete surprise, it drastically altered my life.   Things that I had always done with ease, I no longer could do at all.   Every breath was a chore...especially in Florida heat and humidity.   But yesterday morning, when my hardworking husband went out to take care of our yard, I asked how I could help.    When he suggested that I could mow the grass,  I almost declined out of habit...but then I thought, well, maybe I can.   God has blessed me with better health and although I still have asthma, it is under control.    Long story short, I found myself on a lawnmower, mowing the grass while Mike, pruned, edged, weeded and took care of the rest of the yard.

It occurred to me, during that venture, that there are some similarities between worship and mowing the grass.   I know...my brain doesn't work like the normal person, just hang with me!   So I am riding in the hot sun, around in circles. and God begins to show me some things about worship.    Riding that mower was hard work...sometimes worship is, too.   Sometimes we don't feel like worship.   I believe the American church, for the most part, doesn't even understand what worship is, so anything we have to work for doesn't seem right.   If we have to get dirty and sweaty, then it's just too hard and many times we move on to somewhere that worship seems to come more easily.   Who ever told us that serving our God was supposed to be comfortable?

Riding that mower was also fun and rewarding...likewise with worship.  Can I tell you that it is usually in the most uncomfortable moments that I find myself needing intimacy with God more than ever.   When I push into His presence, I find that it is sweeter and more sustaining than ever.   Those times are precious and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Mowing is necessary...so is worship.  We recently were away from our home for two weeks (during which it must have rained every day!)   When we returned, we found our yard in dire need of a trim!   I'm sure our neighbors felt the urgency of our yard's need as well!   See, if we just let it go, it becomes overgrown with weeds and grass.   The surrounding properties are then at risk, too, to weeds traveling to their yards.   Do you know that when a Christian neglects opportunities for worship, weeds of doubt and discontent begin to grow in their lives.   Other weeds, such as jealousy, rage and anger will also quickly begin to sprout.   Before long our lives are so full of nasty "weeds" that they pour over to those around us.   All because we refused to do this one thing that we were created to do...worship our Lord and Savior!

I hopped right on a lawn mower and mowed my yard...why?   Because my wonderful  husband had prepared the mower for me.    Someone had to make sure the blades were in working order, the oil had been changed, the tank was full of gas, etc.   When I enter into worship, whether it is at church or at home, there is preparation that has to be done.   My heart must be prepared.   I have to fix my mind on the Lord and many times, that means repairs or at least maintenance has to be done on my mind.   When I am at church, there is a whole list of preparations that take place in order for a worship service to happen.  The praise team has to practice,   The technical team has to be ready.  The pastor has to prepare a sermon (they don't usually just roll that off the top of their head ya know!).   Someone has to keep the nursery so we can hear that sermon and be able to concentrate on what the pastor is saying.   And the list goes on and on.   Sometimes worship seems spontaneous, but I promise you that without preparation spontaneous worship rarely occurs.   And preparation is hard work.   Whether I am preparing my heart for worship at home or attending a worship service at church...preparation is a must.

After spending a few minutes on that mower, the jungle in our yard had been tamed once again and beauty was restored.    That's what happens when we worship Jesus Christ!   He tames the weeds...cuts them down, and beauty is restored to our lives.   Worshiping Christ is what we were created to do.   And when we do it, it is beautiful.    It is attractive.   It draws attention.   It makes others want to stop and take notice.   Oh Lord, let my worship be genuine.   Let it be attractive to those I come in contact with.   Not that they would want to come gawk at me, but that they would be drawn to you.   And thank you, Lord, for the priviledge of getting to mow my grass!

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks." -- John 4:23

Editor's note:   I actually wrote this a couple of weeks ago but didn't post right away because  it wasn't finished.   Tonight, God kept me awake until I finally submitted to come finish writing this entry.   Not sure why it didn't flow completely the first time, but tonight it was easy.  Must have been God's timing...I'll trust that every time!

Treasuring the Moment...

This has been a most amazing Summer.   It has been full of emotion and adventure.   We have been blessed to be able to do the things we have done, to have seen all that we've seen.   Blessed to have time together as a family.   Blessed beyond measure.

We spent the first part of our Summer working at a camp.   The work was hard and long.   We were so exhausted some nights that we just fell into bed, but it was all worth it.   We were very thankful to be able to spend time with family and work together.   Having worked the same camp last year, all by myself, I was especially grateful to have Mike and the kids alongside me.

When camp was over for us, we set out on an adventure.   Off to our Nation's Capitol to see things I'd only read about in history books until now.   This trip would be an emotional one for Mike especially, since just last year he, Anne and Rebecca made an almost identical journey.   Neither of us understand why things happened the way they did, or why God put us together...but we are grateful for a second chance to live and love.    I think we both try very hard to cherish every moment.    Even those moments when we were driving through South Carolina and it seemed that the RV would come apart at the seams!   In SC, it appears they have chosen lower gas prices over road repair!   To my friends who live there...hope you have good shocks!

In Washington, we visited many of the memorials and museums, both of us very aware of the fact that this time last year, Anne was here.   I can't tell you how much I miss her.   She was that friend that I didn't have to say things to...she could read my mind...and I could hers.   And usually, just a look was enough to send us both into a fit of laughter.   When I met her, nearly 16 years ago, I had no  idea the profound impact she would have on my life.  Lord, I miss my friend.

And missing her, always makes me question how in the world Mike and I have ended up married and enjoying each other so much.   It's a question I can't answer...I just know that every day we miss Anne and Jeff, yet every day we love each other more and more.   It's just another area of my life where I have to trust God and know that His plan is perfect...even when we can't understand it.  

I have been so blessed to have two wonderful husbands.   Wonderful, yet completely different.   I used to think they were just alike...hard headed, strong willed, great leaders, strong personalities..but that's probably where the similarity ended.   Jeff loved to read but couldn't fix anything (he would tell you that!).   We often joked about how I fixed anything that broke around the house and the kids wouldn't even come tell him...they knew he would have to call for help!  Yet this man would've have given his very life for me and the kids.   He was stern  at times, but was always tender and loving with me and the kids.   He wouldn't mince words when it came to the Word of God.   He lived what he preached.  He taught me more than I can say about love, faith and life.    Life without him will never be the same, but I am thankful for this new life I have been given.

Mike, unlike Jeff, can fix anything!   I've never seen anyone like him.    We joke that if he can't fix it, it must not be broken!  While on this trip, I have been amazed by how gifted he is and how nothing stumps him.    He's not a big reader but there is a wealth of information in that head of his...the whole time we were in DC, he spurted facts like a trained museum curator.  We didn't need a tour guide, we had a Mike!   But more than that, I am amazed by the tender way he loves me.   He is a role model for young men on "how to treat your wife".   He's not perfect but in my book he is pretty close.
He drove hundreds of miles out of the way so I could see some dear friends that he knew I "needed" to spend a day with.   It would've been much easier to just come home, but he made plans to take us to Nashville and get there in time to do a little touring.    Some may not appreciate this, but I know the sacrifices he makes for me.   I am so thankful for him.

Our trip is now drawing close to an end and soon the Summer will be over.   I am so thankful for it.
I've learned to treasure every moment.   For me to say that and then not live it would be tragic.   I want to be more conscious of  what I am doing with my time.   How much do I give God?   How much do I give those I love?   How much do I give social media?   Lord, help me to unplug from the things that don't matter and plug into the things that do.   Remind me when I forget.   Help me treasure every moment.
 

Identity Change

Lately, things have been changing in my life.   My last name changed, now my business name needs to change.   My place of residence changed.  My title has changed.  My interests have changed.    Some changes have come because of choices I made and some, well, are just part of life.

This past weekend, Mike and Abbi and I went on a little camping trip.   Mike has a new bass boat (that he bought me for Mother's Day) and wanted to try it out so we decided to go fishing on Lake Seminole.    When we arrived it was raining but not too hard, so we (Mike and I), took the boat out  to break it in.   Well, what good is a bass boat, if you can't do a little fishing from it?  So, of course, we had to do some fishing while we were out there.    It was during that rainy little fishing venture, that my sweet husband decided to post this picture of me on social media.   Some of my friends giggled at the sight of me in camo, fishing in the rain.   They thought they'd never see the day.   They didn't know that I grew up fishing with my granddaddy.    I can bait a hook...I just don't want to take any fish off the line once I catch it!   

You see, when I met Jeff McFalls, I had an identity change.    Not that I didn't still love the things I grew up with...just that I loved him more and began to love what he loved.    I had grown up on Southern Gospel and Country music...he couldn't stand either.   For him it was Rock and Roll, and the harder the better.    Slowly, my taste in music changed.   My interests changed.   As I fell in love with him, I wanted to love what he loved.   My identity changed.   I became a pastor's wife.   I became a mother.  Everything about my life changed...I was still Libby, but I was not the same.   Then, when he drew his last breath...my life changed again.   I was no longer Jeff McFalls' wife.  No longer a pastor's wife.   No longer married to a man who loved golf.   Soon, I would realize that many of my roles were changing.   My identity was changing again. Not that my indenity was in being a pastor's wife...but because I loved being Jeff's wife and I loved being in the ministry, it was very hard for me to delineate where one role ended and another began.   It had just become who I was.  

For months I struggled with this, though I admitted it to few.   I felt lost.   Like my idenity had been stolen.   Completely stripped of almost everything I knew me to be.  I struggled to create a new identity.  All the time knowing that my true identity was in Christ but having a very hard time finding my place within His Body.   

And then He sent Mike into my world.  That seems so weird to say, since we had been good friends for years,  but without a doubt, a veil was lifted from my eyes when the time was right.   Now, I find my identity is changing again.   Now, I am Mike Stewart's wife.   Though Mike and Jeff were great friends, and on many levels they were similar, Mike is not Jeff.    He is wonderful in many different ways.   He is a country boy.   He loves fishing and hunting.  He loves country music.  He loves working in the yard and taking care of our home.   And I love him.   So, I love what he loves.   I love to hear the excitement in his voice when we walk into Bass Pro or a Tractor Supply Store.  I love that he wants to share all that with me.   It's not a complete change... he is devoted to God and our church.    He is a devoted father.   So not everything in my life is changing...but the change is noticeable.    

I no longer find my identity in a ministry, though I still consider myself a minister...just in a different way.   I no longer find my identity in my children...I know that they will soon be all on their own and if my identity is wrapped up in them I will again experience great loss when they are independent.   I don't even find my identity in my husband...although he has reshaped much of what makes me me.  My identity, that which makes me who I am, is found in Christ.   It is in Him that I find the courage to face the hardships life sends my way.   It is in Him that I find the creativity that brings me such fulfillment and joy.   In Him I find the freedom to experience things I've only dared to dream.   And in Him, I find the ability to love a man who is the most precious gift I could have asked for.   I didn't even know that I could ask for a love like this.   I thought my chances for love were all gone and past tense,  but God had a different plan for me.   A new identity.  A fresh identity.   One that I didn't earn, it was given to me and I am beyond thankful for it.   

Yes, I have a new name.   Thanks to Mike, I have some new interests.   But I will not burden him with the weight of my identity being in him.   Nor would I want his identity to be in me.   No, instead we will both let our indentity be in Christ.   As we explore all that God has for us as a couple, God will reshape our identity.   He will make us who He wants us to be.