Our Journey (Post #31) Seeking a Second Opinion

Get a second opinion.   We've been told that over and over in the past year.  It seems that everyone knows someone who was dying of cancer, then they went for a second opinion and miraculously, they are now cancer free.   We are fighting this disease with all the strength and wisdom God gives us, so it was only natural that we would seek a second opinion.  But where does one start?

The information that is out there is very confusing but over and over, we were told to check out MD Anderson and Moffitt.  We set up an appointment with MD Anderson (our doctors already work with Moffitt so we feel like we are getting the benefit they can provide already).   The appointment was set for this past Friday in the morning.  Thursday morning we got our kids ready for school, packed our bags and headed out...thank you, Jesus, that we had a few tasks to complete before we could leave town.   After a trip to the post office and bank, we headed to the gas station to fill up.   Our tank was almost full when I heard Jeff's phone ring.   Then I heard, "Really?   Well, I gave you that information a month ago...(long pause), so you are saying that we shouldn't come...we cannot be treated there?  Ok, thank you."   He returned to the car and said, "Well, so much for that, we are going home."  Wait, back up the dog...what do you mean we are going home?   No, we are not!  We are going to get a second opinion!

Long story short, our insurance would not agree to cover any expenses at MDA so we were in fact NOT GOING.   From here the day grew a little comical.   Jeff made a call to our insurance company to find out what the problem was.   The lady on the other end explained to him that our policy was actually a HMO policy and that they "only cover treatment in Florida facilities".  Ok, MDA is in Orlando...you don't get anymore "Florida" than Orlando!!!   Oh, but we don't cover MDA!  We DO cover 53 hospitals in Florida and you can certainly seek treatment from any of those.   Ok, great...can you please give us the names of those facilities.   Absolutely, please give us your zipcode (why does that matter?)  So, he gives her our zipcode and she informs us that there are 2 hospitals that we can go to...Tallahassee Memorial and Capital Regional...are you kidding me???  He laughs, and then proceeds to tell her that we have already tapped into the best that Tallahassee has to offer...we need to see someone at a more specialized hospital...a facility that specializes in cancer research/treatment.   So, she widens her search.  After a few moments (and if she hadn't been on speaker phone I never would have believed it) she comes up with another (more hilarious) solution.   She says, "Oh, I see here that there is another facility in your area! (She was very excited!)   You can go to um, Calhoun-Liberty General in Blountstown, FL!"   Now, if you work there, this is NOT a slam on you...but exactly which general practicioner did she want us to seek a second opinion from?    I was born in this hospital (back when they still delivered babies), but now if you have more than a cold or a simple broken bone, you are NOT going to seek treatment at this facility.   For those of you who don't live in this area, I've included a picture!

It was at this point that we just began to laugh.   Okay God, we get it...we understand that our faith cannot be in any MAN's opinion...only in His!   

We are now unsure of what where we will go.   We are still pursuing a couple of options.   But this we understand.   God will open the door or doors He wants us to go through...we will NOT kick them down.   We have an incredible peace that He has this under control and that He will heal Jeff.   It is an indescrible peace that even if I used every word in my limited vocabulary, I could not find the right words to make you understand.

We have been so blessed!   Yesterday, our communtiy had a benefit on our behalf.  The numbers are still coming in but so far several thousand dollars have been raised to help with our medical expenses.   While that blows us away, the love that has been shown to us is even more special...you can't put a pricetag on that.   We have been overwhelmed by the friends and family who pray for us everyday.   People who just call or email or facebook us, just to say, we are praying for you...and you know that they mean it.   We are blessed beyond measure!    Pressed down, shaken together and RUNNING OVER!

Our God is awesome!   He has a sense of humor and keeps us laughing even in the most tense situations.   He is faithful, even when we are faithless!   No matter how bad our situation gets (or yours), if we will take time to look, we can see God's hand of blessing in the midst of it.   Oh God, help me to always look for your hand...without it, life is meanless and mundane.  But with it, I can face any storm!   

Oh, and by the way...why do we NEED a second opinion anyway?   God says he is healed!   Anything else is an "opinion" but when God says it...it is a FACT---Jack!

Our Journey (Post #30)

In Jesus Name, by Darlene Zscech, is a wonderful song!  A wonderful reminder that God is fighting for us and that we are victorious in Him!   As upbeat as I tend to be (by nature), that is something that I sometimes lose sight of.    I'm thankful tonight for the reminder.

In recent days, we have been dealing with the effects of Jeff's cancer progression.   His cough continues and now my asthma seems to be in overdrive.   When you battle that for a while, weakness is inevitable.   I'm so thankful though that God always sends me reminders when I grow weak.  Right now,  He has me studying about Gideon...someone who was characterized by fear, doubt and questioning.   Yet, in his weakness, God proved Himself strong.   He reminds me to trust Him through His word, through songs like this, and through friends who allow themselves to be used by Him.

Over the past couple of weeks (a time when I have struggled the most with believing), He has sent friends and even strangers to bless us and remind us that He has not forgotten.   A friend, out of the blue, gave us a weekend at the beach (which we will take in just a couple of weeks).  Another friend replaced our useless dishwasher with a brand new one.   Another sent me for a pedicure.  Others sent money or just did things that needed doing...just because.   A group of fellow business women set up a benefit for us and now several churches have joined in.   I really don't know how He could say, "I see where you are and I've got this" any louder.

Although I haven't doubted that God is in control, I sometimes do question whether I am just being overly optimistic.   Jeff said at one Dr. appt that I was in denial.   That I didn't want to talk about the possibility of him dying.   Well, I had to really take a hard look at myself.   I don't want to be in denial...there are things I need to learn to do and business I need to learn to handle.   But I still truly believe that God is going to heal him.   How do I find a balance between having faith and being realistic?   Is there a balance or are you just one way or another?   I don't have an answer for that one.   I just know that somewhere deep in my core, there is something that tells me that I have to trust God.   No matter what the doctor says, no matter what well meaning (but doubting) friends say, no matter what my husband even says...I just have to believe.   Unbelief is not an option for me.   That doesn't mean that I don't have doubts from time to time.   It doesn't mean that I have super-faith or that I don't experience fear and worry.   It does mean that when I feel that way, I run to Jesus.  

Like Gideon...when the things I am facing don't make sense...I will trust Him.   When my enemy appears to be overwhelming...I will trust Him.    When my plans are whittled away at by a God with a better plan...I will trust Him.   I trust Him...not because I have this great, unshakable faith, but because He is the only one I can trust.  Who else can I go to?   He's all I have...but He's all I need.  

Recently a friend talked with me about a struggle she was facing.   After many years in one line of work, she feels that God may be calling her to another line of work (that will result in a large pay cut and lifestyle change).   She is a believer, yet she really struggles with taking this leap of faith.   She was kind of beating herself up because even after putting out multiple fleeces and God answering each of them miraculously, she still is having a hard time with this.  We all face things that we have a hard time trusting God with.   Sometimes it feels like God is stripping away everything that would make believing easier.  But if we can somehow push through...trevail in prayer...relentlessly persue His presence.   Faith will come.   God is faithful!   He was for Gideon...He will be for me.   I will continue to trust Him.  " He is fighting for us, He is on our side, He has overcome.  I will live, I will not die. The resurrection power of Christ, alive  in me and I am free!!!  In Jesus Name!!"   Free from fear, free from doubt, free from sickness, free from death, FREE!   Free to believe!!!

Our Journey Post 29

July 15, 2013
We knew this day might come.  The day when the chemo has taken it toll and Jeff's hair would let go.  Actually, it started happening several days ago and I prayed that God would give us a few days to come to grips with the changes before we had to shave his head.   God is good.   He gave us a week to deal with the emotions that inevitably come with hair loss.

As long as I have known Jeff, his hair has been part of his personality.   I met him in college (a Christian college with a dress code that included hair length, mind you).   He came stolling across campus in a denim duster coat, long hair (that has since been dubbed a "mullet", but at the time was very cool!), and sun glasses.   Everyone on campus seemed to know him...they might not know his name but they knew his hair!  Spiked on top and long in the back.  He even had the Dean (Balzano) paying for his haircuts at one point and managed to get an invitation to do the devotion in chapel in exchange for one of his trims!

The first time I took him home to meet my mom, we stopped before we got to the house and took his pony tail out.  I wasn't sure my little country bumpkin mama could handle all that hair, but I loved it!  She was so funny...she pulled me to the back room and asked, "Did you know that his hair is longer than yours?"....Well mom, yep, I noticed!

One of my favorite pictures of him on our wedding day is him flipping his hair out of the collar of his tux.   I would watch him spike each individual hair, using more hair product than I ever dreamed.  He was in his late 20's when the first glimpses of gray started to appear and although he continued to get more and more gray, he still had more pepper than salt in the mix.

We were so happy with his first round of chemo because they told us that he wouldn't lose his hair.   But when they had to change the drug and we learned that this was a side effect...it just made me sad.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I come from a family of bald men that I dearly love.   I think they are some of the most handsome men on this Earth.   So in no way was my sadness attached to any thoughts that husband would not be as attractive to me without hair.   I knew that he would still be incredibly sexy to me with or without hair.   No, my sadness instead was instead because I knew how much he loved his hair.   In the 80's it was his statement.   In the 90's it helped him
relate to the kids he pastored.   In the new millinium it has set him apart as a different kind of pastor...not one that you could just look at and say, "Hey, I bet he's a preacher."    He wanted folks to hear what he had to say and many times, believe it or not, his hair acted as an ice breaker to let him share the love of Christ with folks who had long given up on church.   I was sad for him...not for me.    So last night, as I put that blasted razor to his head, I had no choice but to give my sadness to the Lord.  

I know it may seem silly to many of you, but this step was a hard one for me.  It was hard to be the one to shave his head.    Then again, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it.   This morning I woke up to his beautiful bald head.    And it is quite beautiful.   It is a small price to pay.   When I think of how they plucked out the beard of my savior.    How they must have hurt Him and humiliated Him.   It's then that am able to pull myself out of this pity party.    Because He endured the worst, we are able to survive the bad.

So yes, this is not what I had planned for our lives.    But this is a "light and momentary" affliction.   Christ was beaten and whipped for us.   He was nailed to a cross, naked and alone...for us.   We can face Cancer without fear, because Christ took stripes for our healing.    We continue to pray and ask for divine healing.   If He chooses to send it through a chemo drug that causes hair loss...I will not complain.    I will not look at his bald head with disdain...but rather with a love I cannot explain.   I am so in love with this man and as I look at him napping now (because the chemo just drains his energy), I am overwhelmed by how much I love his new look.   Whether it is a permanent change or just a temporary look, I will enjoy it.   Every single moment.

Hey, at least I don't have to worry about him using up all the hot water anymore to get his hair washed!!

Our Journey (Post 28)

Friday, June 28, 2013

I have wanted to update this blog for a couple of days now, but time and illness have kept me at bay.   Monday, Doran introduced a nasty stomach bug to our household...remind me to thank him!  On Tuesday we went to get a chemo treatment and it went well.   On Wednesday, Jeff was feeling pretty good and our day went very well.  Then came Thursday...

Thursday morning, I awoke with a terrible headache (that Tylenol wouldn't touch) and a sick feeling in my stomach.   Jeff woke up feeling like he had been hit by a truck.  He had pain in all his joints and we generally not feeling well.    As the day wore on, we both felt worse and worse.   Bleh!

Today, I woke up feeling better and was hoping for the same for him...it was not to be...he was in a LOT of pain.  Then the princess, Abbi, stirred and reported that now SHE didn't feel so good.   At this point I am ready to scream...enough sickness...get out of my house!

Isn't it funny that when we hit our low point, God is just getting ready to do something amazing!   I sat on the sofa, having a little pity party and wondering if God could even see me anymore.   Not long after that a friend called to tell me that her husband was on his way to our house with a dishwasher.

Now, let me back up and tell you, our dishwasher went out on us a few months ago...I think it was in March.  With the cost of medical bills and an uncertainty about our future, we didn't want to go into more debt to get a new one.   Plus, we have 3 able bodied children who are perfectly capable of washing dishes.   At first it was quite a chore to get them to do it, but they caught on pretty quick (however, they never stopped complaining!).  

I saw that my friends were getting rid of a dishwasher and messaged them to see if I could get it.  They said sure and plans were made for them to deliver it today.  So, they pull up today with a box in the back of the truck and I'm thinking, wow, they put the old dishwasher in the box from the new one...they are so organized!   So then I learn that not only did they bring it but now they are going to install it for us...how I held the tears back I will never know!   Still I had no idea just how big this blessing was gonna be.   They proceed to remove the old dishwasher (which was no easy feat) and then tear open the box for the new one.   Yes, that's right... a NEW one.  Brand spanking new!  I had to leave the room and go pull myself together.   These precious people not only went out and bought us a new dishwasher, they worked for over 2 hours installing it!

Tonight, the dishes are washing (quietly) as I write.   No "Doran needs to come rinse these dishes" or "Why do I have to wash tonight" or "I can't wash because she didn't put the dishes away last night"!   Just a quiet little whirrr.   Ahhhh peace!  How I have missed you!

As if that wasn't enough, another friend sent over some fresh field peas...straight from heaven, I mean the garden!  Oh Lord, You DO see me!   I didn't ask for the new dishwasher...but You saw fit to bless me with it.   I didn't ask for the bounty from the garden...but again, you have blessed me.  He uses people that just let themselves be used.   People who simply say, "Here I am, Lord, send me".   See, their mission field wasn't a foreign country today.   It wasn't an inner city shelter or even a half-way house.   Today, their mission field was a friend who needed what they had.   It was a pastor's wife who was at the end of her rope and needed to know that God cared.   They were God's hands extended to me, today.   A sweet reminder that God blesses us, not with "things" but with people who are precious and who are willing to use their giftings to bless others.

Thank you, God, for friends.  Precious people who don't just say they have faith, but put their faith into action.    Help me to always be ready to use what I have to bless others.  I am blessed to be a blessing.

Our Journey - Post 27 (Double barrels)

Well, I must've ticked off the devil with yesterday's post!  Today, he has come at us with both barrels.  Today, we learned that the fluid is back on Jeff's lungs.    The creatinine level in is kidneys still is not at a safe level for him to begin the chemo (Alimpta) that the doctor wanted to use...soooo we will start a different kind of chemo on Friday and after that he will have the fluid drained from his lungs again.

I am still holding fast to the promises of God.   We believe that his healing is done...we continue to praise God for it, even though we can't see it yet.  

Today, I sat down and read a little book that a friend sent me about Holy Communion and how it brings health and wholeness (Joseph Prince).   It was eye-opening for me and so I started sharing it with Jeff...believe it or not, that is exactly what the sermon he had just finished writing was about.   I'm sorry, I have to believe that is God.    Jesus' body was broken so that we can be whole and live in health.   I just had never considered that truth about communion.

Another study that I am doing reminded me that not all facts are true.   The facts are that Jeff has cancer.   The facts say that the type of cancer he has drastically shortens your life.   Only problem is the facts don't factor in the TRUTH.    The TRUTH says that Christ was broken and bruised so that we can be healed.   The TRUTH says that when we call on Him, He will answer.  The TRUTH says that He will give us long life (Ps 91).   Facts are great, but we choose to believe TRUTH over facts.

Tonight Jeff has been struggling quite a bit.   He preached and did a great job, but as soon as we got home, he nearly collapsed with exhaustion and shortly after the coughing came back with a vengence.   So I'm sitting up tonight...praying over my husband.  Claiming truth for him.   I will man my post as long as necessary.   Others are on watch with me.   All over the world, I know folks are praying for him.  Please don't stop.

The devil came at us today with both barrels...but I intend to hit him with an atom bomb!   Do not mess with a wife who understands how powerful the God she serves is.   Not in my own power but with the power of God in me, I will proclaim that TRUTH will win!

Our Journey (Post 26)

Faith.  It's a little word.  Just five letters.  Dynamite comes in small packages...likewise, this little word, when applied properly, packs a powerful punch.   Hebrews tells us that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."  It's confidence in what we've hoped for and assurance in what we can't see.   It's more than believing in something, it's knowing, like know that you know knowing, that it will come to pass.   Not because you can see it with your eyes, but rather inspite of the fact that you can't see it.

For the last several months, God has been working on growing my faith.   You've read about our hurdles and how we've learned to trust Him in the midst of our struggles.   But recently He has been calling our faith to come up to another level...to step it up a notch (or two).   It started on May 31st, when Jeff had to go back in the hospital and we learned that the cancer was back.   For the last two weeks there has been a non-stop dialog going on between me and God.

I don't believe in chance...I believe that the steps of a righteous man (or woman) are ordered by the Lord.   I believe that everything that happens in the life of a believer is for a specific purpose.    Our job is not to figure out what that purpose is, but instead it is to trust God and glorify Him in everything.  So when this new twist in our journey came along, I found myself frustrated because I was trying to figure out what the purpose was.   Why?   Why?   Why?  That's what I kept asking.  

I'm so glad that God is patient with me and when I don't get something on the first try, He always gives me another chance to learn.  And when I'm really slow...He sends me confirmation, signs along the way, so I know that I'm on the right path.  That's exactly what He has been doing for the last few days.

I told you, in my last blog, that He sent a friend to tell me to believe for Jeff's healing.   Since that post, He has sent me so many confirmations that I've lost track.    Today alone, He sent me like five seperate confirmations.   A miracle is in the works.

I know it as sure as I know my name.   I appreciate doctors and all that they do...but I do not have faith in their word.   I am thankful for friends who support us in times like this, but I do not put my faith in their understanding of our tomorrow.   I love my husband, but my faith is not in how he feels.   My faith is in God and God alone.

All my life  I have professed to believe in Him.   I've said that I believe in miracles, though I've never witnessed one.   But today, something clicked in my spirit.   There was a shift...I went from believing that a miracle was possible to expecting a miracle.   Then, almost within a hair of a second, I felt him saying,  "Come deeper in your faith, Daughter.   You're expecting a miracle...now, will you expect it today?"   It was as it He was drawing me out into deeper water, much like what I would expect that Peter felt when Jesus beckoned him to get out of the boat.

God has used people, scripture, music, prayer, and other things that I just don't have words for to confirm for me that Jeff is healed.   His healing is done.   I truly believe that God will get all credit for this one.  The doctors will have to say, "God did this."   No other explanation.

I've asked God to help me believe, to make my faith bigger.   In  the gospel of Luke, chapter 17, the apostles asked Jesus a similar question..5The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!”
6He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. Well, today, I got it! The lightbulb came on, the fog cleared. If the apostles could command a tree to be uprooted and planted in the sea, then I can command cancer to be uprooted and die. My faith is not in my power, but in His power. It's not in my ability, but in His. His Word tells me in John 14:12 that in fact we will do even greater things than what Jesus did during His earthly ministry...because He went to the Father. I believe that! Just like He said it...no ifs, ands, or buts. God said it...that settles it. I choose to believe it! 

 
Some of you will think I've lost my mind...that's ok. But some are just brave enough, or crazy enough, to have faith with me. If that is the case, keep your eyes open. Expect a miracle. Put a smile on your face. Praise Him for it and don't stop, not even for a second, giving Him glory!

From Psalm 91 (the scripture God has given me since the 1st day of our journey)

    15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
         I will be with him in trouble,
        I will deliver him and honor him.
   16 With long life I will satisfy him
        and show him my salvation.”

I'm expecting a miracle.  I'm expecting a "long life" for my husband.   FAITH!

Our Journey (Post 25 )

Throughout our ordeal with cancer, I have had an unexplainable peace.   A peace that I didn't understand, much less be able to put it in words.  Oh, I've experienced moments of helplessness and shear terror, but even in those, I can feel God's presence near me.

I posted about one of those times Wednesday night.   Yesterday (Thursday), the neatest thing happened to me.   I'm not sure whose benefit this post is for.  Sometimes, I feel that I'm writing for an audience, to encourage and give hope to others who might be going through difficult situations.   Sometimes, I know it's just for me...a way of getting everything out before I explode.   Today, I think it may be for both.

All along the way, we have discussed the possibility of Jeff not being healed this side of heaven.   It's not a possibility we like to consider, but we understand that people die of cancer everyday.   With the reoccurrence of his cancer, we were forced to discuss things that we hoped we would not discuss until we were well into our 80's.

Though it's not what we want, Jeff is okay with the possibility.   He knows what awaits him and though he doesn't want to leave his family, being with Jesus is going to be amazing.   I, on the other hand, am not okay with that possibily.   Don't get me wrong, I too know where he is going and I know God would take care of us and help us through it, but I just don't believe that God is through with him on this earth yet.  I have believed from day one that God will heal him...I still hold to that.

I was struggling with this very thought yesterday...wondering if maybe I was over spiritualizing everything, when I recieved a phone call.  A most unusual phone call.

I recieved a phone call from a friend. This friend is one of those friends that I can go for months and not speak to, but if we are ever together it is like we were never apart.   Occassionally God will lay this friend on my heart and I'll call her to check on her.   She does the same for me but we live more than 100 miles apart and don't get to chat often.   One thing I have learned about this friend is that she doesn't need all the details in order to pray.  I can paint with broad strokes for her and God always seems to direct her to where the real need is.   She is in-tune with Him and though she has on occassion delivered a timely word to me, she never over-spiritualizes things...at least not that I have seen.   She has been a mentor, friend and prayer partner for many years.  I trust that when she gives me advice that she is not doing so for her own gain or fame, but because she truly cares about me and has talked to God about my problem.

So yesterday, she calls me.   She doesn't know the discussions Jeff and I have been having.  She doesn't know the private battle that is raging inside my mind.   She just believes she has heard from God and wants to tell me what she's heard.   She even prefaced what she had to say by telling me that if she was off base I could disregard or throw out anything that didn't fit.   She couldn't have been more right on if she'd tried.  I believe that God used her to build my faith...and I hope it will build yours as well.  Here's what she had to say to me...to the best of my memory.

"God already knows the beginning from the end.  He knows exactly how many days Jeff has on this Earth.   So what if...what if...God plans for Jeff to live to be seventy something?   To see his kids raised and married?  To enjoy grandchildren?  And what if Satan, knowing that Jeff is a servant of God and pastor with a heart for the community in which he has been placed, wants to undermind God's plan.   Now he can't destroy God's plan for Jeff's life...all he can do is convince Jeff that God is through with him.   So what if he uses the medical field to convince Jeff that his life is over?   If Jeff believes the lie then he gives up and "accepts" his "fate".   And maybe God allows that kind of temptation to strengthen our faith.    Don't believe the lie!  Keep trusting God for miraculous healing and for many years of ministry."

Our conversation was short but God continued to speak to me throughout the rest of the day and into the night.   Already He has driven home the "Do you trust me?" question.    Now, he is reminding me that we have an enemy who will do whatever he can to get us to lose sight of the prize.   I believe that God is going to heal my husband this side of heaven.   I believe that we will grow old together.   If I am wrong, then I believe I serve a God who can heal my broken heart and give me a new purpose in life.   But if I am right, I need friends who will come alongside us and help us believe for this miracle.   I don't know how it will come.  Perhaps with just a touch or perhaps it will be through the wisdom of medical professionals.   I'm asking our friends and family to have faith with us.   To believe in a God who heals.   And to believe that God will heal Jeff.    I know some will think I've lost my mind...some will think I just can't cope.   But God knows my heart...He has heard my deepest cries.   Will you please believe with us?  This I know for sure...the God I serve is not cruel.   He knew the thoughts that were inside my head that I wouldn't even verbalize to my husband.   He used a friend who was hours away to tell me that He is listening to my prayers...He just wants me to keep believing!