One Year...

One year.   365 days.   This has been the longest one of my life.   In some respects, it flew by...but not when it came to missing Jeff.   One year has seemed more like ten.   So much has changed.   Zac is now in InCharacter and pursuing his life calling.  Doran has graduated from high school and is now in college.  Abbi is now in high school and learning to drive.   And I have remarried an amazing man.

This month, if all goes well, we will close the sale of the house that we spent the last 15 years in.   A bittersweet moment, I'm sure.   Many days, I look at my life and ask, "How did I get here?".    By God's divine hand, that's how.   There is no other explanation for where I am today.

I remember saying to myself about this time last year, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...blessed be the name of the Lord."   I had know idea, at the time, what God had in store for me.   I was scared but still determined to glorify God.   I knew even then that God had not abandoned me and that somehow He would see me through.

I couldn't have dreamed how He would bless me, nor that He would do it so quickly.   When Jeff McFalls drew his last breath at 8 pm one year ago, my heart broke.   It  was shattered in a way that I was certain could never be repaired.   I was scared out of my wits...how would I survive without him?  But then I remembered who my faith was in.   It has been a hard year.  Losing Jeff and all the changes that brought was very hard.

At times, I have questioned God.   Yes...I have.   Why would He take him?   Why do others get healed when he didn't?  Why did my heart have to be broken over and over?   My questions didn't offend God...but He didn't have to answer them either, and He didn't.

But He didn't leave me either.   Sometimes it feels like He is a million miles away...but He's not.   If you are a Christ-follower, He is always by your side.   He heard every prayer, wiped every tear.   Not a single thought got by Him.

He has been so faithful to me and blessed me so much that at times I feel guilty for all that I've received.   I've been so blessed this year to see all three of my children grow in the Lord.   I wish Jeff could've seen  it.   He would've been so proud of them.   We often talked about how much we wanted to see them all serving God and were actually jealous of others who seemed to have perfect kids.   Can I just tell you that God is faithful...you can bank on His promises.   He will finish His work.  I've experienced it first hand.

And now God has blessed me with an amazing new husband.  He is tender and attentive to me.   We have both experienced great loss in the past year and we look at things much differently now.   Things that used to matter, don't matter so much anymore.   And the things that used to occupy our time, we now realize can wait...family is much more important.   I believe that God has taught us both, and many who've watched us, that He is faithful and that if we will simply trust Him, He has a plan for us that will blow our minds.

This time last year, my heart was shattered into a million pieces.   I remember going home to my bed and trying to sleep that first night.   I laid down on his side, where I could smell him.   I cried all night long...it would only be the first of many nights to come.   The pain was great...but I trusted God to redeem the pain.   And He has proven Himself faithful once again.   The pain that I have experienced and the pain that Mike has experienced, has driven us to God and in His mercy He has used it to draw us together.

See, God takes broken pieces and makes a beautiful masterpiece with it.   The breaking is no fun...but it is not by chance.   God had a purpose for every struggle we have faced...He is redeeming the pain.   It is not for loss.   It is to give us an avenue to touch others and help them  find their way to Him.

I am a blessed woman.  I know I say that often, but I genuinely mean that.   I am humbled by the volume of blessings He has bestowed on me and continues to pour out freely.   I pray that as time continues to pass, God will continue to reveal new ways that He can use Mike and I to minister to others.    That He will help us to love each other without reservation and demonstrate to others the mercy and the glory of God.

I am thankful to have been loved by two men...friends who in some ways were very much alike but in others, polar opposites.   I am blessed...I am loved...I have a future.   Someday, we will all be together again...and what a day that will be.   Until then, we will love each fiercely and be about doing all that God entrusts us to do.   Every day counts.   Make the most of every moment.

Transformed tears...from sorrow to joy

It's been over a month since my last post.   So much has changed in my life...at times it feels like a dream.   I have learned to accept that God's plan for me is bigger and better than my mind is capable of comprehending.

We are now approaching the one year anniversary of Jeff's promotion to heaven.   In someways, it  is like retracing your steps.    I find myself remembering tiny details that until now were hidden away deep in my memory.    I remember every doctors appointment leading up to the one that shredded my hope of him beating that horrible disease.    Hearing those awful words and look on our doctor's face.   Yet even then, I held on to hope that he would be healed.

I now understand the look that people gave me as I fought desperately for my husband's survival.   It wasn't pity, but it fell short of hope.   People wanted to believe...they just couldn't.   They wanted to have faith...but they couldn't.

I was hoping our miracle would be the one that would help others believe.   God's plan was so much bigger than what I could imagine.   It wasn't what I would've planned...not the way I thought it should play out, but it was God's plan.   And His plan is always better...if we can ever understand that, it will change our faith.

You see, my plan on this day a year ago, was for Jeff to be healed miraculously on this side of heaven.    It was for us to go on living life as we knew it.   To continue being a pastor's wife...to keep on loving him... to see our children raised and someday enjoy our grandchildren.   That was what I had visions of one year ago today.

My plan, however, was only days away from being shattered.    And though the "right" answer was to say, "God's way is higher (or better) than my way", I couldn't say it.    I couldn't.    I remember driving down the road, listening to Christian radio, and the song, "Even if the healing doesn't come" came on.   I became furious!   What do You mean, "if it doesn't come"?   For me, that was not an option and I remember turning the radio off and shaking my fist at God...He'd better heal him...that was my mindset.    I had no concept of the depth I was about to be taken to.

God had an AHA moment in store for me, but first He would lead me out into deep waters...very, very deep.    This place had the potential to drown me...to pull me under and choke the life out of me.   That was the potential...but it was not the intent.  

As I walked through those final days last year, I couldn't imagine how God could use me with no Jeff in the picture.    I saw my marriage ending.   I saw my love ending.   I saw my family ending.   I saw my ministry ending.   Oh, if only I could've seen what God was seeing.

His faithful servant was about to win the prize he had worked so hard for.    Anyone who knew Jeff, knew that as much as he loved his family, friends and church, he loved God more.    He did everything he did here, so that more of us could join him there.    He longed for the day that he could be with Jesus and he made no bones about that.  

And all those endings that I saw...they were commas, not periods.   They were pauses, transitions even...into something more amazing than I could fathom.   He wanted to bring me into something new.   But in order to get me there, He would have to take me through the deep.

Now, one year later, I look at my life.    I have a new marriage.   I know that is strange for some people...but God had it planned long before we even noticed each other.    For two people to have been such close friends and never even had a thought about each other romantically...then to have that change overnight to a deep and passionate love, it could only be the work of God.    Somehow, out of the depth of our sorrow, God unfolded an amazing gift and gave us each other.     We have a new love.  One that is deeper and more passionate than either of us have ever experienced.   I believe we love each other with more determination and zeal because we now understand how fragile life is and how precious every moment is.  We will not waste a moment.

I have a new family...now, in addition to my three children, I have an amazing new daughter.   One who I already loved as if she was mine...and now she is.   Now I get to enjoy her on a whole new level, and soon, I'll have a son-in-law...and someday, grandbabies to love and spoil!!!!

And I have a new ministry.   Not one that I ever would have imagined.   I don't think I would have signed up for it.   It's not the one that I trained for in college...well, maybe in someways it is, but definitely not what I thought I was training for.    It is a much more practical ministry...more hands on.   It is now one that allows God to just use me as He sees fit.   No formulas.   No strategizing.   No trying to measure up to man's expectation.   Only being available, in the moment...wherever and whenever God sees fit.   And then just being awed by how He does it!

He has taken me deeper this year.   He has traded my sorrow for joy.  He has blessed me far more than I could imagine and so much more than I deserve.

Over the next few days, I will continue to post memories.   I will remember.   There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember all that Jeff McFalls was in my life.    But God has transformed my tears.    Tears that were once full of sorrow are now full of joy.    Not because I no longer miss him, but because I understand that He is in the presence of Jesus and there is where he always wanted to be.    And God has made my life full again.   He has given me all things I thought He was tearing away from me...he was only making them richer.  

What is it that you feel like God is ripping from you now?   Can you find a way to trust Him?   I promise, He will give you something better than you can imagine, if only you will let Him.   Trust Him...His plan is amazing!

He makes all things new...

Several days of deep cleaning a house that I spent the last 15 years in and inhaling dust as I thumbed through old photo albums has taken it's toll on me and I find myself awake with a sinus attack at 1:30 am.   So what do I do?   Well, writing always makes me feel better so I retreated with my laptop to a dark corner of the living room to type out a few thoughts.

Here is what is on my heart tonight.   He makes all things new!   As I laid in bed, next to my new husband and just listened to him breathe, I thought about where I was this time last year.   I was laying in bed, next to my first husband, begging God to spare his life and thanking God for the wonderful man He had blessed me with.   Things didn't work out the way I planned.   Jeff didn't get healed on this side of heaven.   The grief that would follow was the heaviest thing I've ever carried and many times I wondered if it would crush me completely.

The months that followed Jeff's death were the darkest days of my life.   Then, when I saw the signs in my friend's eyes...I knew her time was coming, too.    It seemed that God had a vendetta for me.   First, He had taken my husband.   Now, He was taking my closest friend.    My grief compounded as her struggle came to an end.   How would I possibly get through this again?

But God had a plan.   I do not understand it.   I still cannot fully get my mind around it.   But I trust it.

God has made my life new again.   He has taken what was completely crushed and broken, and He has crafted something beautiful and valuable with it.   He has given me a new family...not one to replace the old, but one that compliments the old.   He has made the old new.

When Mike and I realized that God was putting us together as more than friends, we both were dumbfounded.   Neither of us expected anything more than friendship and for God to turn what we had into romantic love seemed impossible.   But God makes all things new.   He turned our grief and our brokeness into something beautiful and new.

Tonight, a year later, I lay in bed.   Next to my husband.   My new husband.   I placed my hand on him and began to pray over him as he slept.  I thanked God for the man he is.   God has made him new, too.   I thanked God for this man who is patient with me.   This man who fears God and loves Him.  This man who loves me, both with passion and with tender patience.   This man who loves my children and the rest of my family.  This man who is wise and good and hardworking and honest.    He has worked so hard for the past week...not because it is profitable for him...he has done it all for me.   He has sacrificed for me.   Sacrificial love.    Something I am not sure either of us were truly capable of a few years ago.   Now, we have been made new.

Our "light and temporary trials", although they seemed heavy and infinite at the time, have now been made new.   God has turned those struggles into something that only He could envision.   And He isn't finished.   That's the amazing part.   He is still making us new.    He is still unfolding an amazing plan that we couldn't handle if He showed it to us all at once.

I don't know what you are going through.   But no matter how dark or heavy it seems, remember that God will make it new.   It won't be the way you expect.   No, His plan if far better than what you can imagine.   Just hold on.   I promise, God will make all things new.   And when He does, you, like me, will be speechless...in awe of His wonder.   You can trust Him...He is trustworthy and true!

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”   Revelation 21:5

Morning has Come...

When I began this blog, one of the promises I made was to tell the whole story.   I promised to be real.  Many of you have read every blog and often commented on how that particular blog post may have touched you.  Although I in no way believe this story is over, and I have every intention to continue writing until God releases me to stop, today will begin a new chapter for me and my family.

Had you shown me, at the beginning of this story, how it would play out, I am quite sure I would have sabotaged God's plan for my life.   I am certain that I would have tried to reason with myself and would have talked myself out of ever believing that God could have such an amazing plan for my life.  It is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

If you have followed my blog, then you have heard me talk about my friend, Anne, who passed away with cancer last year.  Anne and Mike were some of our dearest friends.    They were the kind of friends that we knew would have our backs no matter what.   Those kind of friends don't come along everyday.   To lose one in the same year I lost my husband seemed so unfair and cruel.   In the days after Anne's death, I struggled with anger against a God who would take everything I held dear away. He had taken my beloved husband, and then He took my precious friend who was as dear to me as a sister.

On our way home from the doctor, on the day we learned that Jeff's time was very short, he said we had to go tell Mike and Anne.   They were scheduled to leave the next morning for Moffit in Tampa, fighting a battle of their own.   Jeff insisted that we go tell them face to face...he needed to see his friends one last time.   It would be the last time he would see them and be able to talk with them.  That night, they wept with us.   As we left, Jeff looked Mike in the eye and said, "Please, take care of my family."   Just a few days later they returned to say goodbye to him in the Hospice House.   He was already comatose and entered Heaven just hours later.

Months passed and Anne's health began to decline as well.   I saw the signs in early October but refused to believe that God would take her.   I begged Him to spare my friend.  I remember one particular night...a night that I wrote a blog about but have yet to publish it...when my pain was so raw and I begged God to let me trade places with Anne.   My husband was already in heaven...I begged Him to take my life and to spare hers.    It was not to be.  Just a couple of weeks later, I held her hand and sang to her as she stepped from this life into the presence of her Savior.   Again, my heart was crushed.   Sorrow seemed as if it would stay forever.   During our last conversation, Anne had looked me in the eye and asked me to make sure her daughter had the perfect wedding and to take care of her family.

I don't know if either of them knew...but I think perhaps they did.

After Anne's death, Mike grieved hard.   She had been concerned about him losing faith in God, and had asked me to help him find his way.   Honestly, I had no idea how to go about doing that appropriately so I asked our church friends to make sure he wasn't alone too much.   Down time is stifling when you are grieving...staying busy really does help.   Occasionally he would text me and ask for prayer or just a "How do you survive this?".   I would text him scripture as the Lord laid him on my heart.  Neither of us had an inkling as to what God had in store for us.

I'm not even sure how it came to be but somehow the text messages lead to a couple of face to face conversations.   Lots of tears, from him and from me and lots of coffee!   And somehow, in the middle of our grief and talking about how we could glorify God in the midst of it...we fell in love.   Neither of us know exactly when or how it happened.   Still God confirmed it in our hearts immediately.   There was no waffling or wondering if this was really love or just loneliness.   We knew.   We just knew.   Somehow, God, in the midst of our grief, removed a veil from our eyes.   For the first time, we saw each other a different way.   We were given a precious gift.   A gift that only God could give.   A gift that we couldn't understand but made a decision to open it anyway.

I have to tell you, the thought of falling in love with my best friend's husband was as ludicrous as anything I had ever heard.   How could I possibly fall for him?  It didn't make sense.   He was having the same struggle.   How could he fall for his friend's wife?  Neither of us expected it or saw it coming...no, this one could only be fathomed by the Creator of love...the one who knows the beginning from the end.

Confirmation after confirmation began to pour in.  A friend whom I hadn't seen in over a year, dreamed about us specifically.   Another one called and gave me a word from the Lord that described Mike to a "T".   Another one let me know he had a dream months before and had even told his wife...they discounted it as "Nah, that can't be".   Several described what God was doing in our lives with no clue how spot on they were.   They thought they were talking future...but God knew we needed confirmation so He sent it.

Because of the things we had both been through recently, we learned that time is precious.   We learned that we should never take for granted the gifts that God gives us.   We learned that it is important to cherish each other.   And we knew that this was not just a dating relationship...we were meant to be together.   We don't know why but we are certain that God has a ministry that He wants us to do.   Somehow, through our relationship, others will see the goodness of God.   That even though we may have to walk through the night, joy comes in the morning.

So today I will marry my friend's husband.    Anne and Jeff cannot come back.   There is nothing we can do to bring them back and even if we could...they wouldn't want us to.   But we can live each day as if it were our last.    We can cherish each other and encourage others as well.

Today, I will marry my friend.   I am blessed beyond all measure.   I am loved and cherished.   And I love this man who God gave me with a depth I've never known before.   As much as I loved Jeff, I have no doubt I will love Mike more.   Not because he is necessarily better, but because I have learned how important the gifts the God gives are.   God has given me an amazing gift in this man.   He is everything I have prayed for.

Back in the Summer, one of my friends from Columbus, Ga, phoned me to tell me that she had a word for me.   This was the gist of that message..."Keep your heart open for love.   I am preparing a man for you even now.   He will be someone who not only will not be threatened by Jeff's memory, He will help you honor it."   That night I made a list of all the qualities I'd like this man to have.   I was very specific...but had no idea who it would be.   I had no idea that Mike would be that man.   But I am so glad he was.    And I am so blessed that he loves me.   Blessed beyond anything I deserve.

So now in just 11 hours, I will become Mrs. Mike Stewart.    I couldn't have dreamed this if I had tried.   God is good...He is very, very good.    Psalm 30:11 says, "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,"   That is exactly what God has done for us.   He has turned our mourning into joyful dancing.    We will never forget Jeff and Anne.   They are a part of us that we will continue to love and to honor.   But beginning today, and from this day forward, we understand that God has put away our mourning clothes and instead clothed us with joy.   To God be the glory, forever and ever and ever.    

Christmas Day

It's always been my favorite time of year.  Celebrating the birth of my Savior is something I will never grow tired of.  But this year has been different on many levels.   This year, I couldn't summon the energy to decorate a tree or my house.   The annual tradition of buying a family ornament with our names on it, nearly drove me to tears and in fact fell by the wayside.  I just couldn't do it this year.   Doran finally put a tree up for me and Zac decorated it once he came home from InCharacter.

I've always loved decorating for Christmas, but I just couldn't make myself do it this year.   The presents weren't wrapped and sitting under the tree...it was just different.   Jeff has been gone for nearly 10 months now and though I am finding a new normal, I still miss him.  He will forever be a part of who I am.   I am a better person because he loved me.

I began to think about him this morning, about him celebrating Christmas in heaven.   I know he is having a blast.  I wouldn't bring him back...that would be very selfish of me.   If only I had known that last Christmas would be our last.   What would I have done differently?   I would have loved him better...without reserve.   I would've cared more about what was important to him, and less about what was important to the critics who watched from afar.   I would've held nothing back.

But you can't go back.  The slab on his grave reads, "You can never change your past, but you can always change your future."     Words that I heard him say thousands of times...words that ring loud and clear in my heart today.  

Today, I can be about making memories with my family.   Enjoying some of the old traditions and making some new ones, too.   One of our family traditions for years has been to go see a movie on Christmas day.   It's one of those silly things we do together and no matter where we are, we always go find a movie to watch together.    I'd be lying if I said that I wanted to keep this tradition this year.  Honestly, without Jeff, I thought this one would be too painful.   Thankfully, my kids insist on keeping this tradition.   So today, we will go see a movie...but not a sad one!    And we will start some new traditions today, too.   Not because there's anything wrong with the old ones, but because this man that we loved taught us to keep moving forward and not get stuck on the old.

Today, I will be about loving my family.   I will purpose in my heart that I will make sure they know that they are loved.   Somehow, I will put the past year behind me and I will concentrate on them.   God has given me three amazing children.   They are all different, yet equally amazing.   They have weathered this storm alongside me and frankly, many times they have weathered it better than me.  Sometimes, I forget that their grief is real, too.   But they know that their dad would want them to keep moving, so today we will do that.   We will keep moving.   We will find a new tradition to start.

God has been faithful to us over the course of this past year.   2014 was not the year that I expected, but it was one in which God displayed His goodness in my life.   He has let me experience life on a deeper, more intimate level than ever before.   In the past year, I have loved, grieved, laughed and cried.   I have searched for answers and found THE answer.   I don't understand all that has transpired...much of it I will never understand...but I've learned to trust Him.  

The world never understood God's plan.   Sending a baby to save us made no sense.   It wasn't something that could be comprehended...it would require faith
.   In the same way the world couldn't understand God's plan for salvation, I don't understand His plan for my life.  I just have to trust that it is there.   It will never make sense to me, I've come to realize that.  But God is good...and He works all things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.   I am called.   I know that He is working everything for my good.  

Lord, help me to trust you.   When things don't make sense and I can't get my mind around your plan...help me to trust your heart.   And Lord, there's a couple of newcomers in Heaven this year who happen to be very dear to my heart.   Let them know that we are carrying on...and we are so happy that they get to spend this Christmas with the One who it is all about.   Merry Christmas in heaven!

Cleaning out the Closet

I knew the day would come but the time just never felt right.   When you lose someone you love, unfortunately their stuff stays behind.   Getting rid of it is painful and sometimes even more scary than letting them go in the first place.   For nearly nine months now, Jeff's clothes have hung in my closet.   Right where he left them, I didn't move a thing.   He left a shirt hanging on a peg on the back of the bathroom door...it was still there until yesterday.

I don't know why, but in church yesterday I felt a nudge from God and knew it was time.  Time to put away the old things,  my husband wouldn't be coming back.   I came home from church and the house was empty...it was time.   So I found myself in the closet.  Packing away 25 years of memories.   Packing away unfulfilled dreams, precious memories.   Packing away my world.

It's during times like this that I am thankful for friends who are so close that they don't need explanations...they just come.   When I told my friend, Missy, what I was doing, she knew I needed her.  She just came.   She let me talk and she let me not talk.   Both are necessary.

One by one, we pulled suits and shirts out of the closet.   Golf shirts...how he loved playing golf.   I never would've dreamed it, but once he started playing, it was in him.   I'm so thankful that God gave him a place where he could unwind and enjoy life.    The pressures of ministry can be so taxing on your physical body.   Side note to my friends in ministry, find something outside the ministry that you love doing.    Not that you let it take precedence over the ministry, but we are not made for the constant stresses that ministry life brings.    We have to have somewhere to unwind.    That was free.

Now, for the rest of yesterday's story.   I am so thankful that God gives us seasons.   At Jeff's service, both Pastor Craig and Pastor Paul, two very dear friends who have known us in our darkest days, confirmed a word from the Lord for me.   They said that God was moving me into a new season.   That He was not finished with me but instead just getting started.  

After Jeff's death, I realized that the season I was in was sorrow.   It wasn't where I wanted to be.   I've told you before how I hate to cry.   But just like the seasons of the year, this season of sorrow was necessary for the next season He would take me to.   For nearly nine months, my heart has grieved deeply.   More deeply than I thought I could bear.   As hard as I tried to rush through it, God wouldn't let me.  Just when I thought I had grieved enough, it seemed a new wave of grief would hit.   But in the past couple of days something has begun to change.   I can only explain it as that first hint of fall after a hot Summer.   The seasons are about to change, in fact I know the change has already begun.

When I came home from church and found myself alone, I just knew...the seasons are changing...it's time to let some things go.   I wish I knew what was on the horizon.   I don't.   But somehow I know that it is going to be something I never even dreamed of.   Something greater than I could imagine.   I believe that it is important that I document every part of this journey.   Someone needs to read that there is a season that comes after sorrow.   So for that reason, and because I promised Jeff that I would keep writing until God released me, I will keep writing our story.   Well, I guess now it is my story.   I pray that it encourages someone, somewhere to hang on one more day.  

We don't understand God's plan for us...it is so much bigger than our humanity can conceive.   But He is faithful.   He walks with us through every season.   He doesn't have us walk through a single day without purpose...that's hard to remember but very important.   His purpose is never to harm us...that would go against His very nature...no, His purpose is to strengthen us, to free us, to give us hope.  

What season are you in?   If you are in a place of sorrow, as I was?  Take courage   Your season will not last forever.   Place your trust in Him.   Be real with Him about your feelings because  He can take it.   And don't forget that soon your season will change.   God knows when it is time to change...trust Him.

He made the moon to mark the seasons, 

and the sun knows when to go down.  Ps. 104:19

Giving Thanks...for everything.

Sometimes when I write for this blog, I just sit down and the words begin to flow.  Sometimes, I plan for days what I want to write.  This time, I think it will be a mixture of the two.  Today is Thanksgiving Day.   Nearly nine months has passed since Jeff drew his final breath here and moved to Heaven.

Today marks the beginning of our first holiday season without him in our lives.   He is not here today to remind me to be on time for the family dinner in Bristol.   He won't be sampling my dishes or griping because we don't have leftovers.  Our house won't be filled with sounds of football this afternoon.   He's not here to beg me not to put up that blasted tree yet and certainly not plug it in!

I won't be able to watch him take a post-turkey nap today.   And today, there will be no going over what I can and can't spend during my Black Friday shopping trip.

I've been up since four this morning.   My heart aches.   A trip to the gym and an hour or so of vigorous activity can't stop this ache.   I'm just going to have to walk it out...but not on a treadmill.  No, some things you just have to let yourself feel.

Today makes me miss my friend, Anne, too.  Thanksgiving was her day.   The day she would have her whole family over and shine like only she could.    I never could've imagined how dear she would become to me when we first met, but losing her was like losing a sister.   Today, they will have their first Thanksgiving without her at the helm...my heart aches for them as well.   We never dreamed that last Thanksgiving would be our last with the ones we loved so much.

Strangely though, amidst all the tears and heartache, I just find myself incredibly thankful today to have known and been loved by these two amazing people.   I wouldn't bring them back here if I could because I know that what they are experiencing there is more amazing than anything I could ever imagine.  Someday, I can go there and be with them again.   But today,  well today it just hurts really bad.

I am so thankful today for the people God has placed in my life for this season.   People who bring me joy in the midst of sorrow.   People who aren't afraid of my tears.   People who can make me laugh.   People who remind me to go on living.  

It's okay to pause and remember.   It's okay to hurt.   But it is also okay to laugh and to begin to make new traditions.  

Later today, the kids and I will go visit Jeff's grave.   It's time to change the flowers out.  He hated flowers...and would probably kill me for putting two (count them) urns on his grave.   I decided to put two Christmas trees made out of old golf balls on there for the season.   His old golf buddy, Mike, supplied me with lots of old golf balls and tees.   My friend, Sara, and my kids helped with assembly. They are a little on the tacky side but they have Jeff all over them.   (He would just be mad that I messed up that many balls!)

When we are through there, we will head to Bristol to spend the day with my family.   I hope they are ready for my gusher tears...I pray that God dries them before I get there and make a blubbering fool of myself.   Today, is going to be about making new memories.   Spending time with my kids and family and friends.  

Perhaps you have lost someone this year and today is hard for you.   Or maybe you know someone that has lost someone and your heart aches for them.   Can I just interject an idea...   If you have lost someone, reach out today to others and let them help you.   It is hard but it will help, I promise.   If you know someone who has lost someone, reach out to them.  Don't assume that they have someone or that you would be intruding on their space.   Let them know that you are there and that you want to help.   God gives us opportunities to comfort each other during sorrow.   We have to make the effort.  
And when you pause (and you should pause) to give thanks for all that God has blessed you with today, say a prayer for those who mourn, that they will be comforted.  

When I pause today, it will have to be a very long pause.  God has blessed me with more than I could list if I had a thousand years to list it.   Everyday, He reminds me that His ways are greater than my ways...His plans are way better than mine.   I don't understand it, but I trust it...and today I am so thankful for it.  

Oh Lord, let my life be one of gratitude.  One that is ever thankful for every blessing you bestow on me.   Let me never take for granted another day, be it a holiday or not.   Let my life be a reflection of Your nature.   One that gives hope to a hurting world and confidence that You will always be with us. One that is thankful everyday, and not just once a year.  

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4