This says it all... As I write this post, I sound much like Darth Vader. I am in the midst of a somewhat severe asthma attack...and my nebulizer just went on the blink! Just one more hardship in what seems like a trail of "if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!"
Now I know that to say that I am struggling to see God in all this probably doesn't seem spiritual at all...but God says that we must worship Him in truth...so truth it is. Truth is, it feels like (in the words of the great 'theologian' Alfalfa ..."the sky opened up and God said, I hate you, Alfafa!")....that's pretty much how I feel. The last few months have been difficult but the last few weeks have been sheer torture.
My health has steadily declined, while my stress level has peaked. Friends that I have confided in and called upon for prayer support have abandoned me...notice, I used the plural form of the word...not just one. Money is tighter than it's ever been (although, God has been faithful). Lies have been spread against my family and our ministry. So now I find myself begging and pleading with God. Begging Him to be my healer...yet I get sicker. Begging Him to send support during this difficult time...yet it feels as if someone just snatched a rug right out from under me. Begging Him for a financial miracle...only to have more of our church family lose their jobs or leave the church. Begging Him to be our defender...yet He is silent and the attacks increase, both in frequency and severity.
I find myself asking, "God, where are you?"...but the silence is deafening.
So, I search my soul once again...Lord, I don't understand. I don't know what you are trying to teach me. It is during this dark, empty season, that I believe God has a lesson of upmost importance for me. Perhaps, I need to learn this lesson for a future ministry opportunity. Or maybe I need to learn it because I just need correction. But whatever the reason, this I know...whether I can feel God or not does not negate His presence. I don't have to be able to see Him for Him to be there. Nor do I have to be able to hear or even know He is there. He is there because He is...what I feel, see, hear or know has no bearing on that truth!!! Oh thank God!!! That excites me...I serve a God who does not depend on my abilities or knowledge or goodness!!!
I have been drawn to His Word more and more through this time. I yearn for it! I desire it! Hebrews 11:6 says that "without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him". I want a reward...but more than that, I want to PLEASE God! It's what I've longed for ever since I accepted His call on my life. Pleasing Him is my desire!
Believing in God has never been my problem...but believing God sure has! I often find myself putting out fleeces and second guessing all that God prompts me to do. Like the man in Mark 9:24, I find myself saying, Lord, I do believe, but help my unbelief! And you know what...He WILL help my unbelief if I will only get out of the way! He's done it even while I wrote this! (My nebulizer just started working again!!!!!!!!!!) Oh Lord, I am YOUR vessel...help me to seek YOUR pleasure before that of men! Help me to trust You and oh God...whatever I do, whatever I say...let it be PLEASING IN YOUR SIGHT!!! That's what I live for!
