Christmas Day

It's always been my favorite time of year.  Celebrating the birth of my Savior is something I will never grow tired of.  But this year has been different on many levels.   This year, I couldn't summon the energy to decorate a tree or my house.   The annual tradition of buying a family ornament with our names on it, nearly drove me to tears and in fact fell by the wayside.  I just couldn't do it this year.   Doran finally put a tree up for me and Zac decorated it once he came home from InCharacter.

I've always loved decorating for Christmas, but I just couldn't make myself do it this year.   The presents weren't wrapped and sitting under the tree...it was just different.   Jeff has been gone for nearly 10 months now and though I am finding a new normal, I still miss him.  He will forever be a part of who I am.   I am a better person because he loved me.

I began to think about him this morning, about him celebrating Christmas in heaven.   I know he is having a blast.  I wouldn't bring him back...that would be very selfish of me.   If only I had known that last Christmas would be our last.   What would I have done differently?   I would have loved him better...without reserve.   I would've cared more about what was important to him, and less about what was important to the critics who watched from afar.   I would've held nothing back.

But you can't go back.  The slab on his grave reads, "You can never change your past, but you can always change your future."     Words that I heard him say thousands of times...words that ring loud and clear in my heart today.  

Today, I can be about making memories with my family.   Enjoying some of the old traditions and making some new ones, too.   One of our family traditions for years has been to go see a movie on Christmas day.   It's one of those silly things we do together and no matter where we are, we always go find a movie to watch together.    I'd be lying if I said that I wanted to keep this tradition this year.  Honestly, without Jeff, I thought this one would be too painful.   Thankfully, my kids insist on keeping this tradition.   So today, we will go see a movie...but not a sad one!    And we will start some new traditions today, too.   Not because there's anything wrong with the old ones, but because this man that we loved taught us to keep moving forward and not get stuck on the old.

Today, I will be about loving my family.   I will purpose in my heart that I will make sure they know that they are loved.   Somehow, I will put the past year behind me and I will concentrate on them.   God has given me three amazing children.   They are all different, yet equally amazing.   They have weathered this storm alongside me and frankly, many times they have weathered it better than me.  Sometimes, I forget that their grief is real, too.   But they know that their dad would want them to keep moving, so today we will do that.   We will keep moving.   We will find a new tradition to start.

God has been faithful to us over the course of this past year.   2014 was not the year that I expected, but it was one in which God displayed His goodness in my life.   He has let me experience life on a deeper, more intimate level than ever before.   In the past year, I have loved, grieved, laughed and cried.   I have searched for answers and found THE answer.   I don't understand all that has transpired...much of it I will never understand...but I've learned to trust Him.  

The world never understood God's plan.   Sending a baby to save us made no sense.   It wasn't something that could be comprehended...it would require faith
.   In the same way the world couldn't understand God's plan for salvation, I don't understand His plan for my life.  I just have to trust that it is there.   It will never make sense to me, I've come to realize that.  But God is good...and He works all things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.   I am called.   I know that He is working everything for my good.  

Lord, help me to trust you.   When things don't make sense and I can't get my mind around your plan...help me to trust your heart.   And Lord, there's a couple of newcomers in Heaven this year who happen to be very dear to my heart.   Let them know that we are carrying on...and we are so happy that they get to spend this Christmas with the One who it is all about.   Merry Christmas in heaven!

Cleaning out the Closet

I knew the day would come but the time just never felt right.   When you lose someone you love, unfortunately their stuff stays behind.   Getting rid of it is painful and sometimes even more scary than letting them go in the first place.   For nearly nine months now, Jeff's clothes have hung in my closet.   Right where he left them, I didn't move a thing.   He left a shirt hanging on a peg on the back of the bathroom door...it was still there until yesterday.

I don't know why, but in church yesterday I felt a nudge from God and knew it was time.  Time to put away the old things,  my husband wouldn't be coming back.   I came home from church and the house was empty...it was time.   So I found myself in the closet.  Packing away 25 years of memories.   Packing away unfulfilled dreams, precious memories.   Packing away my world.

It's during times like this that I am thankful for friends who are so close that they don't need explanations...they just come.   When I told my friend, Missy, what I was doing, she knew I needed her.  She just came.   She let me talk and she let me not talk.   Both are necessary.

One by one, we pulled suits and shirts out of the closet.   Golf shirts...how he loved playing golf.   I never would've dreamed it, but once he started playing, it was in him.   I'm so thankful that God gave him a place where he could unwind and enjoy life.    The pressures of ministry can be so taxing on your physical body.   Side note to my friends in ministry, find something outside the ministry that you love doing.    Not that you let it take precedence over the ministry, but we are not made for the constant stresses that ministry life brings.    We have to have somewhere to unwind.    That was free.

Now, for the rest of yesterday's story.   I am so thankful that God gives us seasons.   At Jeff's service, both Pastor Craig and Pastor Paul, two very dear friends who have known us in our darkest days, confirmed a word from the Lord for me.   They said that God was moving me into a new season.   That He was not finished with me but instead just getting started.  

After Jeff's death, I realized that the season I was in was sorrow.   It wasn't where I wanted to be.   I've told you before how I hate to cry.   But just like the seasons of the year, this season of sorrow was necessary for the next season He would take me to.   For nearly nine months, my heart has grieved deeply.   More deeply than I thought I could bear.   As hard as I tried to rush through it, God wouldn't let me.  Just when I thought I had grieved enough, it seemed a new wave of grief would hit.   But in the past couple of days something has begun to change.   I can only explain it as that first hint of fall after a hot Summer.   The seasons are about to change, in fact I know the change has already begun.

When I came home from church and found myself alone, I just knew...the seasons are changing...it's time to let some things go.   I wish I knew what was on the horizon.   I don't.   But somehow I know that it is going to be something I never even dreamed of.   Something greater than I could imagine.   I believe that it is important that I document every part of this journey.   Someone needs to read that there is a season that comes after sorrow.   So for that reason, and because I promised Jeff that I would keep writing until God released me, I will keep writing our story.   Well, I guess now it is my story.   I pray that it encourages someone, somewhere to hang on one more day.  

We don't understand God's plan for us...it is so much bigger than our humanity can conceive.   But He is faithful.   He walks with us through every season.   He doesn't have us walk through a single day without purpose...that's hard to remember but very important.   His purpose is never to harm us...that would go against His very nature...no, His purpose is to strengthen us, to free us, to give us hope.  

What season are you in?   If you are in a place of sorrow, as I was?  Take courage   Your season will not last forever.   Place your trust in Him.   Be real with Him about your feelings because  He can take it.   And don't forget that soon your season will change.   God knows when it is time to change...trust Him.

He made the moon to mark the seasons, 

and the sun knows when to go down.  Ps. 104:19