Unspeakable Sorrow

Normally, my posts are upbeat for the most part.   As much as I want this one to be, my heart is completely broken tonight.   Let me first clarify that everything is fine between Mike and I... yet, I am overwhelmed with sorrow tonight.   Sorrow, because it wasn't supposed to be this way.  

Jeff was supposed to be here to watch his children become all that we had dreamed and prayed for.  He was supposed to be here to see our church completed.    He was supposed to grow old with me.  He wasn't supposed to get cancer.   He wasn't supposed to die.   Neither was Anne.   I miss them both...in different ways, but I miss them so bad.  Sometimes, I wish God had taken me instead.  

Please don't get me wrong.  I am so thankful for the second chance God has given me with Mike.   He is a wonderful man and more than I am worthy of.  The love that we share is amazing and more than either of us ever hoped to experience again in life.   Most days, this grief doesn't overwhelm me, but tonight it is killing me.   I read stories of others who have been healed and I just can't wrap my mind around why God didn't heal Jeff or Anne.  I don't want to be jealous of others' healing, but why didn't God heal them?

I know I am not the only one to ever feel this pain...many have felt it even deeper.   I just wish that I could get a glimpse God's reasoning here.   This makes no sense to me.   I understand the writer of Psalms 42's anguish tonight..."Why, my soul, are you so downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?..." That is exactly where I am...downcast, disturbed, heartbroken, crushed.   The writer goes on to say, "Why have You forgotten me?  Why must I go on mourning?"  I've never understood this passage like I do tonight.   I feel forgotten...trapped in sorrow.  

I can visualize this writer talking to himself...telling, no. commanding himself to "put your hope in God for yet will I praise Him, my Savior and my God."   I can see it...because I'm there tonight.  Commanding myself to "put my hope in God..."   I wish I could tell you that I "feel" like putting my hope in Him...but  I don't.    Tonight, I only feel sorrow as my eyes are swollen and my nose is running.   Yet I praise Him...not because I "feel" like it.   But because I know in Him I can find hope and nowhere else.  

Tonight I praise Him, even though I don't understand Him.   I praise Him and I choose to put my hope in Him.   He will dry my tears.   He will hold me through the night.   He will soothe my broken heart and help me get back to joy.   I will put my hope in Him.

Brave

I had the oddest feeling this morning.   I was compelled to write, yet the words haven't come...I can only pray that as I am obedient and begin to write, God will send inspiration and give me words.   I have just completed a very full weekend of speaking for a women's conference and I am still on somewhat of a high from all that I witnessed God accomplishing.  

The conference team was amazing, from the setup, to the dramas, to the worship team...all was done with excellence.   And God showed up as I trusted He would do.   Every morning since then, I've awoken with a certain song on my mind.    "You Make Me Brave", by Amanda Cook and Bethel Music is a song that the praise team sang during the weekend.   I cannot get it out of my head.

I want to share some of the lyrics with you, but I encourage you to look this song up if you've never heard it...it is powerful.   I believe that God has been continually feeding my soul through this song for the past several days.

"As Your love, in wave after wave

Crashes over me, crashes over me

For you are for us

You are not against us

Champion of Heaven

You made a way for all to enter in"

In wave after wave...that is exactly what I have experienced over the past year.    Yes, I've talked about grief coming in waves, but perhaps I have not completely expressed how God's love has equally come in waves.    It is as if every time a wave of grief comes, His love comes in as well and washes the grief away.     It crashes over me...not to crush me but it comes with force so that I am fully aware of it's presence in my life.    "For you are for us, You are not against us"... I cannot even tell you how many times I've had to remind myself of that promise throughout this journey.    Satan has tried his best to make me think that God is against me, but he is a liar...God is not against me!  He has made a way for all to enter in through His son, Jesus Christ.   

Between mourning the loss of Jeff and mourning the loss of Anne, I do feel like the waves of grief come violently at times and far too close together.    Jeff has been gone a little over a year and we celebrated his birthday just a couple of weeks ago.   Today, marks the 6 month anniversary of Anne's passing and her birthday is just around the corner.   Later this week, Mike and I will help with the annual NJROTC Dining In.   This will be the first one we've done as husband and wife and the first without Anne (Jeff passed just a few days before last years' dinner).   It will be a tidal wave of emotion, I am sure...yet we are promised that God's love will also crash over us in wave after wave.   I will hold on to that.

"You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises You made."

Have you ever felt called to something that was far beyond what you thought you were capable of?   If not, then perhaps you've never heard God calling.   He continually calls us beyond the shore...the safe place...the place where we can stand on our own, in our own power.    He calls us into the waves...waves of grief, waves of helplessness, waves of desperation.    

Sometimes, from the shore, the deep looks appealing.   It is where we long to go...however the cost of going deep is high so many choose to stay along the shore where it is safe.    Going deep means taking risk.   You could get hurt...you could drown.   I get a mental picture of my life as I sing this song...

You make me brave, You make me brave.   I see myself in the shallow end of Christianity, asking God to take me deeper but not wanting to step away from the security of the shoreline.   It sounds good, until you have to take that step.   For me, Jeff's battle with cancer was that step...it was what pulled me away from the shore and caused me to go to the deep places in my spiritual walk.    Once I was away from the shore, the waves of grief and sorrow began to swell around me.  At times, they crashed around me so violently that I thought I would surely drown.   

But God is good...He has been faithful to replace the waves of grief and sorrow with waves of love.   So if I drown, I drown in His love.  And I am reminded of Psalms 89:9, "You rule over the surging sea, when the waves mount up, you still them".  The waves that He sends not only cover me in love, they wash away the grief, the sorrow, the pain, the fear.   And when I can stand it no more (and God knows that point better than I) I can trust that He will still the waves.

I love the last line of this song...No fear can hinder now the promises You made.  No fear!   For someone who has dealt with fear her whole life, that reminder that He has set me free from fear is priceless.   No fear!  Not the fear of failure, not the fear of loss, not the fear of cancer or heartache, nor the fear of the future can hinder now the promises He has made.    As in Romans 4:21, I am "fully persuaded that God has the power to do what He promised."    I am persuaded that His love is crashing over me even today...and perfect love casts out all fear.    As I continue to mourn the loss of those I loved, God is faithful and continues to wash over me with waves of love.  Thank you, God, for the promises You have made me.   Promises that I can cling to when waves of grief and despair hit.    Promises that  are true, not empty.    Help me Lord, to declare Your goodness in everything I do...in word and in deed.   And Lord, hear my cry, Make me brave!