This week has been a crazy week! Emotions have been running high...both on Facebook and in our home! The reasons aren't the same but it occurred to me this morning that the outcome is...chaos.
This week Phil Robertson answered a question during an interview and overnight, Facebook became a battleground. First, let me say, I support Phil and believe that what he said is from the Bible and therefore true. I don't believe he said any of it maliciously or with hatred in his heart, but nonetheless he spoke the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. What has amazed me, however, is the reaction of Christians. Before you tune me out, let me say this...I do believe that we must stand up for what we believe. We must always stand up for the cause of Christ and never waver on that. That being said, I believe there are many of us who have acted this week "in the flesh" and not "by His spirit". I've read comments this week that proclaimed hatred instead of love. Some have championed the cause of "Free Speech" with such venom that they have in fact silenced their testimony to lost world that is watching the way Christians react.
Yesterday, Jeff had a chemo treatment. While we were there, a couple came in and sat beside me. I was reading at the time so I did not see their faces, just noticed that they had sat down right next to me. Soon after, one of the other patients got up to leave and as she left, she wished everyone in the room a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Several said, "Merry Christmas" back as she walked out the door. This couple next to me, however, had a different reaction. For the next several minutes, I listened as the lady "ranted" to the man about how rude it was for people to say Merry Christmas...just assuming everyone in the room was Christian. She went on to state that she didn't understand why it made people mad when she said Happy Holidays...that was her right, after all. A few minutes passed and another patient finished their treatment and rose to leave...again, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. This time the lady, very snippily responded, "Happy Holidays".
My first reaction was, "she needs to chill"...but then I believe the Holy Spirit allowed me to see her through God's eyes. I don't know why she doesn't believe...but I know that regardless of whether she does or doesn't, He still loves her. Her remark offended me, but it didn't offend Him. See He loves us in our sin...whether we like it or not. I know this is weird but I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to just smile at her as we left. Not to wish her or anyone else in the room anything. Just smile. My flesh wanted to say Merry Christmas and tell her all about Jesus. But my spirit said I should just shut up and smile. That wasn't nearly as instantly gratifying as a Merry Christmas would have been, but who do I put my trust in? Me or God? He was doing this long before I came on the scene so I think I'll trust Him. So as we left, I just looked at her and smiled. And she smiled back...sorta. That's it...I don't know where her story goes from there, only God does. Perhaps He'll use that smile to start something.
Starting something...that's what some of us are aiming for. But we need to pause and ask ourselves a question. What are we trying to start. A fight? A conversation? Or an opportunity to share the love of Christ? Perhaps, if we will take a moment, just a moment, to pray before we speak, what we have to say might actually be heard. Perhaps, if we allow ourselves to be led by the Spirit, He will pave the way.
I believe that Phil's remarks in His interview were Spirit led...let's be careful to make sure that our reactions are as well. Ok...enough on that...
I told you its been a crazy week...it has. On Monday one of my dearest friends found out that she has a tumor on her kidney and other masses present in the lymph nodes as well. She is facing surgery and possibly chemo/radiation. Hearing this news brought back a flood of emotions as I hurt for her and her family...knowing the fear and concern all too well. Then later this week I heard from a friend who already had learned that her cancer had returned. A follow-up visit to the doctor resulted in more bad news...a very risky surgery and more chemo/radiation are in her future. On Wednesday a friend's dad had a stroke, however thankfully by the end of the day was being deemed a miracle by his doctors. As I write this, yet another friend is facing a screening for cancer since a routine test came back abnormal. Chaos!! That's what it feels like!
This morning was the culmination of an out of control week as I found myself attempting to clean a house that has been neglected due to a crazy schedule. I was nearly to the point of hyperventilation when once again I felt the spirit nudge me to take a breath and be careful about the way I was responding to my family. Sadly, I had already snapped but quickly He brought me back into line and reminded me that a heartfelt apology goes a long way. The house is quiet now and clean...er. Still not exactly what I wanted but people are more important. The way I treat them and speak to them is important. I don't like chaos...I don't respond well to it. Jesus speaks peace to my chaos. No matter where the chaos is coming from, He always seems to be able to speak peace to my storm. He calms the winds that rage...whether it is do to an injustice or an illness or just a life that feels out of conrol...He always speaks peace. I'm glad I know the Peace Speaker.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Our Journey #35
"Learning to lean, learning to lean, I'm learning to lean on Jesus..." The words of an old song resonate in my heart this morning. Leaning isn't something that we are taught...in fact, I remember being taught the opposite, "if you have time to lean...". But leaning is a key factor in my walk with Christ and He wants me to learn to do it.
Leaning, in today's society, has a negative connotation attached to it. It implies weakness or even laziness in our fast paced, self-sufficient world. We are taught that we must learn to stand on our own, show no weakness. We are taught that to lean or rest is a waste of precious time and resources. I have found, however, that if we don't learn to lean, we will evenually crumble.
The last year and a half has been a season of leaning for us. We have had to learn to lean on friends, learn to lean on doctors, learn to NOT lean on our own understanding but more importantly, learn to lean on Jesus. God has been faithful, in every instance that He has required that we "lean" on something we don't understand, He has exceeded our expectations and met our needs in ways that better than we could have done on our own.
One of those times of leaning came over the Summer when someone that we knew casually approached me on Facebook and told me how God had laid it on her heart to bless us with a weekend getaway. Immediately, though I was touched, I had to swallow my pride. I enjoy being on the giving end, but being on the recieving end would require me to "learn to lean" and that wasn't something I was particularly interested in at the moment. Over the next few weeks, the trip was planned. I learned during the course of the planning that our friend was really having to trust God for the money to pay for the trip. God provided every penny, yet it was so hard for us to accept the gift, knowing that this family didn't have great resources. I had to learn to lean on God's better judgement...He knew where the resources would come from. I had to learn to lean on friend who had heard from God. Still, I found the whole ordeal to be a stretching of my faith and if I'm honest...very uncomfortable.
The weekend came and we spent some quality time with our kids, being able to unplug for a couple of days. We had learned shortly before the weekend that Jeff's cancer had returned so this was a time for us to just enjoy each other's company. I thought that was the end of it...but this week, God has shown me that He had an even greater purpose in that particular time of leaning.
The precious lady who provided the weekend for us, had shared with me that she was a cancer survivor and all that God had miraculously provided for her. It built my faith and helped me get through a very scary time. This week I recieved an email from her and God brought our story full circle. You see, after years of being cancer-free, she found out this week that she once again has cancer. It's not in the same place and at this point, they don't really have a good grip on the prognosis, but nevertheless, it's back. She will have to undergo chemo and most likely radiation again.
It was in this email that she said to me that she feels like God has prepared her for this battle by reading my blog and watching us fight our own battle. Wow. That blew me away. You mean because I voiced my fears and wrote about God's faithfulness, she now feels like she can face this battle? But sometimes I've just been ranting! I was leaning the whole time...but He used it to give someone else strength.
The next part of that song says, "finding more power (strength) than I'd ever dreamed..." and that is exactly where I am this morning. Rejoicing, because God has used the silly and sometimes senseless rantings of this scared and helpless servant to bring assurance and peace to someone who is on the edge of the fight of their life. Not because of my words, because they were nothing, but because His faithfulness shines in the midst of our struggle. As I have learned to lean, I am finding more power...power to help others through their struggles, power to face my own struggle, power to give pride a black eye and learn to lean even more. Oh Lord, help me get this deep inside...help me learn to lean on You.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Leaning, in today's society, has a negative connotation attached to it. It implies weakness or even laziness in our fast paced, self-sufficient world. We are taught that we must learn to stand on our own, show no weakness. We are taught that to lean or rest is a waste of precious time and resources. I have found, however, that if we don't learn to lean, we will evenually crumble.
The last year and a half has been a season of leaning for us. We have had to learn to lean on friends, learn to lean on doctors, learn to NOT lean on our own understanding but more importantly, learn to lean on Jesus. God has been faithful, in every instance that He has required that we "lean" on something we don't understand, He has exceeded our expectations and met our needs in ways that better than we could have done on our own.
One of those times of leaning came over the Summer when someone that we knew casually approached me on Facebook and told me how God had laid it on her heart to bless us with a weekend getaway. Immediately, though I was touched, I had to swallow my pride. I enjoy being on the giving end, but being on the recieving end would require me to "learn to lean" and that wasn't something I was particularly interested in at the moment. Over the next few weeks, the trip was planned. I learned during the course of the planning that our friend was really having to trust God for the money to pay for the trip. God provided every penny, yet it was so hard for us to accept the gift, knowing that this family didn't have great resources. I had to learn to lean on God's better judgement...He knew where the resources would come from. I had to learn to lean on friend who had heard from God. Still, I found the whole ordeal to be a stretching of my faith and if I'm honest...very uncomfortable.
The weekend came and we spent some quality time with our kids, being able to unplug for a couple of days. We had learned shortly before the weekend that Jeff's cancer had returned so this was a time for us to just enjoy each other's company. I thought that was the end of it...but this week, God has shown me that He had an even greater purpose in that particular time of leaning.
The precious lady who provided the weekend for us, had shared with me that she was a cancer survivor and all that God had miraculously provided for her. It built my faith and helped me get through a very scary time. This week I recieved an email from her and God brought our story full circle. You see, after years of being cancer-free, she found out this week that she once again has cancer. It's not in the same place and at this point, they don't really have a good grip on the prognosis, but nevertheless, it's back. She will have to undergo chemo and most likely radiation again.
It was in this email that she said to me that she feels like God has prepared her for this battle by reading my blog and watching us fight our own battle. Wow. That blew me away. You mean because I voiced my fears and wrote about God's faithfulness, she now feels like she can face this battle? But sometimes I've just been ranting! I was leaning the whole time...but He used it to give someone else strength.
The next part of that song says, "finding more power (strength) than I'd ever dreamed..." and that is exactly where I am this morning. Rejoicing, because God has used the silly and sometimes senseless rantings of this scared and helpless servant to bring assurance and peace to someone who is on the edge of the fight of their life. Not because of my words, because they were nothing, but because His faithfulness shines in the midst of our struggle. As I have learned to lean, I am finding more power...power to help others through their struggles, power to face my own struggle, power to give pride a black eye and learn to lean even more. Oh Lord, help me get this deep inside...help me learn to lean on You.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Our Journey (Entry #34)
Thanksgiving is just a few days around the corner and since I'm the only one awake at my house, I thought now would be a good time to post a Thanksgiving blog. Mind you, I may decide to write another one next week, but just in case!
I have so much to be thankful for this year. Most recently, we received the results of Jeff's latest CT scan and we're very happy to hear that the cancer is shrinking. The two masses in his lungs are down by 40 to 50 percent. There were several nodgules that they were looking at...and those have either disappeared, or diminished to the point that they are no longer of concern. Jeff's strength has returned and though he is not at 100%, he is feeling very well. We are thankful for this report because it reminds us that God is healing him. This is something we've believed all along but it is nice to have it confirmed from time to time.
I am thankful for my family. For my children who have endured this storm like troopers. It hasn't been easy for them to see their daddy struggle like this, but they have been great. I'm thankful that God has blessed each of them with different skill sets and talents. I pray that I am able to encourage them and set them up for the success that I believe God has in store for them.
I am thankful for my in-laws...and by the way, I hate to call them that. They are Jeff's family, but they took me in 24+ years ago and have treated me like one of them ever since. I love them and am delighted that we will get to spend a few days with them after Christmas.
I am thankful for my mother and my brothers and sisters and their families. They have been so supportive through this whole struggle and I have leaned on them greatly. It's one thing to love your family...it's another thing to enjoy spending time with them. I have to say that when we are together...whether it's the whole gang or just a couple of us, we truly enjoy each other.
I am so very, very, very thankful for my husband. He is the love of my life and everyday I am reminded of what a treasure he is. He always looks out for and protects his family. He takes care of us. He treats me like a princess. He prays for me and blesses me. He leads me. He loves me...unconditionally. I could go on and on but I could never express how truly grateful I am that God brought us together. He is my answered prayer.
I am thankful for my church. Some churches would have asked a sickly pastor to step down so they could find someone who could care for them. Our didn't. They just stepped in and loved us. They have prayed for us and many have become armor bearers in the midst of this. God has blessed us with fine folks who truly love people. Because of their faithfulness, our ministry has been able to continue without missing a beat.
I am thankful for this community. They have risen to the occassion and supported us like we never dreamed possible. They have prayed for us. Worn bracelets for us. Given financial gifts to help with medical expenses. Given of their time, talents and resources. I believe this is the greatest place on Earth!
I am thankful for friends around the world. Friends who have prayed for us and blessed us in so many ways. Friends who, think about us even when there is really nothing going on. Just because I don't post for a few weeks doesn't mean that we don't still need prayer. In fact the opposite is more true. Many times I don't post because we are so busy that I don't have time. So please keep on praying!
I am thankful for my photography business. Folks who know me, know that I LOVE the photography part...not so much on the business part. But God is teaching me and allowing me to do what I love. And I am staying busy. Thank you Jesus for every client!
When I look at my list of things I am thankful for, I don't see things...I see people. I'm gonna skip Black Friday this year...think I'll spend it with those that I am thankful for instead. Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!
I have so much to be thankful for this year. Most recently, we received the results of Jeff's latest CT scan and we're very happy to hear that the cancer is shrinking. The two masses in his lungs are down by 40 to 50 percent. There were several nodgules that they were looking at...and those have either disappeared, or diminished to the point that they are no longer of concern. Jeff's strength has returned and though he is not at 100%, he is feeling very well. We are thankful for this report because it reminds us that God is healing him. This is something we've believed all along but it is nice to have it confirmed from time to time.
I am thankful for my family. For my children who have endured this storm like troopers. It hasn't been easy for them to see their daddy struggle like this, but they have been great. I'm thankful that God has blessed each of them with different skill sets and talents. I pray that I am able to encourage them and set them up for the success that I believe God has in store for them.
I am thankful for my in-laws...and by the way, I hate to call them that. They are Jeff's family, but they took me in 24+ years ago and have treated me like one of them ever since. I love them and am delighted that we will get to spend a few days with them after Christmas.
I am thankful for my mother and my brothers and sisters and their families. They have been so supportive through this whole struggle and I have leaned on them greatly. It's one thing to love your family...it's another thing to enjoy spending time with them. I have to say that when we are together...whether it's the whole gang or just a couple of us, we truly enjoy each other.
I am so very, very, very thankful for my husband. He is the love of my life and everyday I am reminded of what a treasure he is. He always looks out for and protects his family. He takes care of us. He treats me like a princess. He prays for me and blesses me. He leads me. He loves me...unconditionally. I could go on and on but I could never express how truly grateful I am that God brought us together. He is my answered prayer.
I am thankful for my church. Some churches would have asked a sickly pastor to step down so they could find someone who could care for them. Our didn't. They just stepped in and loved us. They have prayed for us and many have become armor bearers in the midst of this. God has blessed us with fine folks who truly love people. Because of their faithfulness, our ministry has been able to continue without missing a beat.
I am thankful for this community. They have risen to the occassion and supported us like we never dreamed possible. They have prayed for us. Worn bracelets for us. Given financial gifts to help with medical expenses. Given of their time, talents and resources. I believe this is the greatest place on Earth!
I am thankful for friends around the world. Friends who have prayed for us and blessed us in so many ways. Friends who, think about us even when there is really nothing going on. Just because I don't post for a few weeks doesn't mean that we don't still need prayer. In fact the opposite is more true. Many times I don't post because we are so busy that I don't have time. So please keep on praying!
I am thankful for my photography business. Folks who know me, know that I LOVE the photography part...not so much on the business part. But God is teaching me and allowing me to do what I love. And I am staying busy. Thank you Jesus for every client!
When I look at my list of things I am thankful for, I don't see things...I see people. I'm gonna skip Black Friday this year...think I'll spend it with those that I am thankful for instead. Happy Thanksgiving ya'll!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Our Journey Post #33
It's funny how God orders our steps sometimes. We think our direction is this way...when He says, Nope, it's that way. Kinda like a divine GPS that is never wrong. A couple of years ago, I picked up a TomTom on a Black Friday and soon found a really funny "George W" voice for it. I love having George W. guide me on trips, because he would say things like "bear left...but I don't know what kinda bear it is...a brown bear or a grizzly bear." Problem was, many times George would not take the route I wanted so I would force him to recalcuate the route. Faithfully, he would do it - whether it was the best way or not. I've grown so accustomed to being able to demand that the route be recalculated that when God ordered my steps in a way that I didn't want to go, I once again demanded...RECALCULATE!!! Guess what...God (unlike George) doesn't take orders from me!
When life began to take a turn that I didn't like, I screamed, "Recalculate!" When it appeared that no one was listening, I tried to force a plan change by making a turn in the opposite direction. But God, in His infinte wisdom has my every step planned out...even the ones that will take me down a difficult road. It is usually during the "wrong turns" that I learn the most and I decide that trusting Him isn't so bad afterall.
Recently, I questioned why we have to go this way. Why does it have to be cancer? And why does it have to be a cancer that is life threatening? There is one thing I have to say though...even when I don't understand the way He is taking me, I know that He will not lead me wrong and He will walk every step of the way with me. Not only that, but He goes before me and comes behind me!
Last Wednesday, Jeff was rescanned to see how his body is responding to chemo. This is the first scan that I haven't had scan-xiety over. I can't explain it but I know God is in control of the outcome of that scan. We have prayed. We believe that the scan will show healing. We are trusting God for a miracle. But we understand who orders every step we take.
Many of you have said that I need to change the way I talk about Jeff's healing and begin speaking of it as if we already have proof. I understand that. I do believe he is healed. However, I also believe that God intends for us to walk EVERY step of this route He has planned for us. He doesn't intend for us to walk it alone but every step is important. Please don't think our faith is failing when we don't claim the unseen in every post. We believe with all our hearts that he is going to be healed or possibly has already been healed. But we cannot discount the people that He has allowed our paths to cross...people that we have been able to minister to, all because Jeff has cancer. What if we had been able to order God to recalculate from the beginning? We never would've walked a single cancer step. That would've been great for us...but what about the people who we've been able to minister to? See, God ordered our steps to meet theirs...at just the right time.
The things we go through in life...hardships, heartache, triumphs, victory and trials. The steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord...even when those steps go through rough places.
Friday, we will see the oncologist again and Jeff will have another chemo treatment. He will give us the results of the scan and we will continue walking. Our steps are already ordered. Only God knows what the direction is that we will go...we will trust Him. We appreciate your prayers and so many of you who walk this journey with us.
When life began to take a turn that I didn't like, I screamed, "Recalculate!" When it appeared that no one was listening, I tried to force a plan change by making a turn in the opposite direction. But God, in His infinte wisdom has my every step planned out...even the ones that will take me down a difficult road. It is usually during the "wrong turns" that I learn the most and I decide that trusting Him isn't so bad afterall.
Recently, I questioned why we have to go this way. Why does it have to be cancer? And why does it have to be a cancer that is life threatening? There is one thing I have to say though...even when I don't understand the way He is taking me, I know that He will not lead me wrong and He will walk every step of the way with me. Not only that, but He goes before me and comes behind me!
Last Wednesday, Jeff was rescanned to see how his body is responding to chemo. This is the first scan that I haven't had scan-xiety over. I can't explain it but I know God is in control of the outcome of that scan. We have prayed. We believe that the scan will show healing. We are trusting God for a miracle. But we understand who orders every step we take.
Many of you have said that I need to change the way I talk about Jeff's healing and begin speaking of it as if we already have proof. I understand that. I do believe he is healed. However, I also believe that God intends for us to walk EVERY step of this route He has planned for us. He doesn't intend for us to walk it alone but every step is important. Please don't think our faith is failing when we don't claim the unseen in every post. We believe with all our hearts that he is going to be healed or possibly has already been healed. But we cannot discount the people that He has allowed our paths to cross...people that we have been able to minister to, all because Jeff has cancer. What if we had been able to order God to recalculate from the beginning? We never would've walked a single cancer step. That would've been great for us...but what about the people who we've been able to minister to? See, God ordered our steps to meet theirs...at just the right time.
The things we go through in life...hardships, heartache, triumphs, victory and trials. The steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord...even when those steps go through rough places.
Friday, we will see the oncologist again and Jeff will have another chemo treatment. He will give us the results of the scan and we will continue walking. Our steps are already ordered. Only God knows what the direction is that we will go...we will trust Him. We appreciate your prayers and so many of you who walk this journey with us.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Our Journey Post #32 (One Year)
Today marks the one year anniversary of the day that rocked our world. The day that sweet doctor had to walk in our room and give us the horrible news, that Jeff had lung cancer. It's been a tumultuous year to say the least. A year of ups and downs, highs and lows. A year in which my emotions have run the gamut...fear, joy, anger, love, sadness, peace....you name it, we've felt it!
September 7th, 2012 took our breath away... the past year has been filled with moments that left us breathless... Today, I find myself feeling incredibly thankful. I find that I am thankful for friends who have decided to partner with us, and walk this journey alongside us. I am so thankful that we are not alone...no one fights alone! I am thankful that our family has grown closer in this year. We've learned not to take each other for granted...to appreciate every moment. I am thankful for our church. They have stood right beside us throughout this journey. They have adjusted to take care of things that Jeff would normally do himself...but has not been able to do. They have prayed for us and over us. They have encouraged us with daily reminders that God is in control and that we can trust Him. And they have loved us and each other in midst of their pastor being sick. You really have no idea how much it means when the people you feel responsible for just love each other. That's the way the body of Christ is supposed to work...when it doesn't, it breaks a pastor's heart (and God's, btw), but when we love each other, healing takes place. Isn't it funny that when we are faced with something that rocks our world, that petty differences take a back seat. Love wins! I am thankful to live in a community that comes together and supports each other in tragic times. We've been surprised by the outpour of love...but we should have expected it, since we've lived here long enough to see it over and over and over again. I'm so glad we decided to call this place home.
Jeff is now recovering from another chemo treatment (one that he had on Tuesday). He began to feel the side effects late yesterday and will most likely spend today in bed. He tolerating this chemo much better though and it seems to be working. We are winning! We both have a confidence that God has this and he will be healed. We don't know when or how, but we feel in our spirits that it is coming. We are thankful for many of you who believe as we do. Thank you for encouraging us and reminding us of God's word. Yes, sometimes even pastors need to be reminded of God's promises. God's word is true and we are standing on His promises.
Life is not the same as it was one year ago today. We have changed. We are more sensitive to people who are facing hard times. Personally, I am much more sympathetic when someone is sick or down (mercy was never my strongsuit!). God has taught me some hard lessons this year. I find myself grateful that he would count me worthy to teach. I've noticed that my children are more affectionate...hugging more (us, not each other...still working on that!) and saying "I love you" and meaning it more and more. Jeff has learned that he cannot control tomorrow...he cannot "make" anything happen. He has learned to trust God a whole new way. He has a new outlook on illness and the necessity of medication. He has learned to let go of his pride and to accept the humility of Christ.
It has not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. We have cried more this year than ever in our marriage. But it has been a year of growing. We have been stretched farther than we thought possible. With growth, new buds of life always spring forth. We are seeing that in our lives now. New buds spring up every day. Buds of humility, love, mercy, longsuffering, patience, kindness and the list goes on. When we ask God to birth those things in us, I believe that many times we have no idea what we are asking for. It just sounds right...even pretty. We have learned that the process to get to those buds is not pretty....it is grueling. Even so, it is worth it.
This week I photographed my teenage daughter's middle school football game. She's a cheerleader and I wanted some good shots so I got down on the field...and stood in the mud all for the cause of the great shot! The game wasn't pretty. We have a great team, but the boys just didn't have it together (mind you, we still won 30-0, but they just made some dumb mistakes). After the game, I got up close to the post game huddle. What I wanted was a great shot but what I got was pep talk from God, delivered by my friend, Coach Eddie Metcalf. I'll paraphrase because I can't remember word for word but he said, "Men, you looked rough out there. You were sloppy and messy. Had we played a better team, we probably would have been spanked. You are better than you played tonight." (Sounds like a great pep-talk, huh?) Stay with me! "But the scoreboard at the end of the game says 30-0 and says that we are the winners. It wasn't pretty but it's a "W". And I'll take a W anyday." (You see last year we only won 1 game...so we know how it feels to lose.)
That's the way I look at this past year. It's been messy. It hasn't been fun. At times we felt like we were losing. But here we are a year later and we are still fighting. Jeff's doc says the chemo is working and we know that God has the power to heal at any moment. To us, each day is a "W"...and we will take a W anyday!!
September 7th, 2012 took our breath away... the past year has been filled with moments that left us breathless... Today, I find myself feeling incredibly thankful. I find that I am thankful for friends who have decided to partner with us, and walk this journey alongside us. I am so thankful that we are not alone...no one fights alone! I am thankful that our family has grown closer in this year. We've learned not to take each other for granted...to appreciate every moment. I am thankful for our church. They have stood right beside us throughout this journey. They have adjusted to take care of things that Jeff would normally do himself...but has not been able to do. They have prayed for us and over us. They have encouraged us with daily reminders that God is in control and that we can trust Him. And they have loved us and each other in midst of their pastor being sick. You really have no idea how much it means when the people you feel responsible for just love each other. That's the way the body of Christ is supposed to work...when it doesn't, it breaks a pastor's heart (and God's, btw), but when we love each other, healing takes place. Isn't it funny that when we are faced with something that rocks our world, that petty differences take a back seat. Love wins! I am thankful to live in a community that comes together and supports each other in tragic times. We've been surprised by the outpour of love...but we should have expected it, since we've lived here long enough to see it over and over and over again. I'm so glad we decided to call this place home.
Jeff is now recovering from another chemo treatment (one that he had on Tuesday). He began to feel the side effects late yesterday and will most likely spend today in bed. He tolerating this chemo much better though and it seems to be working. We are winning! We both have a confidence that God has this and he will be healed. We don't know when or how, but we feel in our spirits that it is coming. We are thankful for many of you who believe as we do. Thank you for encouraging us and reminding us of God's word. Yes, sometimes even pastors need to be reminded of God's promises. God's word is true and we are standing on His promises.
Life is not the same as it was one year ago today. We have changed. We are more sensitive to people who are facing hard times. Personally, I am much more sympathetic when someone is sick or down (mercy was never my strongsuit!). God has taught me some hard lessons this year. I find myself grateful that he would count me worthy to teach. I've noticed that my children are more affectionate...hugging more (us, not each other...still working on that!) and saying "I love you" and meaning it more and more. Jeff has learned that he cannot control tomorrow...he cannot "make" anything happen. He has learned to trust God a whole new way. He has a new outlook on illness and the necessity of medication. He has learned to let go of his pride and to accept the humility of Christ.
It has not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. We have cried more this year than ever in our marriage. But it has been a year of growing. We have been stretched farther than we thought possible. With growth, new buds of life always spring forth. We are seeing that in our lives now. New buds spring up every day. Buds of humility, love, mercy, longsuffering, patience, kindness and the list goes on. When we ask God to birth those things in us, I believe that many times we have no idea what we are asking for. It just sounds right...even pretty. We have learned that the process to get to those buds is not pretty....it is grueling. Even so, it is worth it.
This week I photographed my teenage daughter's middle school football game. She's a cheerleader and I wanted some good shots so I got down on the field...and stood in the mud all for the cause of the great shot! The game wasn't pretty. We have a great team, but the boys just didn't have it together (mind you, we still won 30-0, but they just made some dumb mistakes). After the game, I got up close to the post game huddle. What I wanted was a great shot but what I got was pep talk from God, delivered by my friend, Coach Eddie Metcalf. I'll paraphrase because I can't remember word for word but he said, "Men, you looked rough out there. You were sloppy and messy. Had we played a better team, we probably would have been spanked. You are better than you played tonight." (Sounds like a great pep-talk, huh?) Stay with me! "But the scoreboard at the end of the game says 30-0 and says that we are the winners. It wasn't pretty but it's a "W". And I'll take a W anyday." (You see last year we only won 1 game...so we know how it feels to lose.)
That's the way I look at this past year. It's been messy. It hasn't been fun. At times we felt like we were losing. But here we are a year later and we are still fighting. Jeff's doc says the chemo is working and we know that God has the power to heal at any moment. To us, each day is a "W"...and we will take a W anyday!!
Monday, August 26, 2013
Our Journey (Post #31) Seeking a Second Opinion
Get a second opinion. We've been told that over and over in the past year. It seems that everyone knows someone who was dying of cancer, then they went for a second opinion and miraculously, they are now cancer free. We are fighting this disease with all the strength and wisdom God gives us, so it was only natural that we would seek a second opinion. But where does one start?
The information that is out there is very confusing but over and over, we were told to check out MD Anderson and Moffitt. We set up an appointment with MD Anderson (our doctors already work with Moffitt so we feel like we are getting the benefit they can provide already). The appointment was set for this past Friday in the morning. Thursday morning we got our kids ready for school, packed our bags and headed out...thank you, Jesus, that we had a few tasks to complete before we could leave town. After a trip to the post office and bank, we headed to the gas station to fill up. Our tank was almost full when I heard Jeff's phone ring. Then I heard, "Really? Well, I gave you that information a month ago...(long pause), so you are saying that we shouldn't come...we cannot be treated there? Ok, thank you." He returned to the car and said, "Well, so much for that, we are going home." Wait, back up the dog...what do you mean we are going home? No, we are not! We are going to get a second opinion!
Long story short, our insurance would not agree to cover any expenses at MDA so we were in fact NOT GOING. From here the day grew a little comical. Jeff made a call to our insurance company to find out what the problem was. The lady on the other end explained to him that our policy was actually a HMO policy and that they "only cover treatment in Florida facilities". Ok, MDA is in Orlando...you don't get anymore "Florida" than Orlando!!! Oh, but we don't cover MDA! We DO cover 53 hospitals in Florida and you can certainly seek treatment from any of those. Ok, great...can you please give us the names of those facilities. Absolutely, please give us your zipcode (why does that matter?) So, he gives her our zipcode and she informs us that there are 2 hospitals that we can go to...Tallahassee Memorial and Capital Regional...are you kidding me??? He laughs, and then proceeds to tell her that we have already tapped into the best that Tallahassee has to offer...we need to see someone at a more specialized hospital...a facility that specializes in cancer research/treatment. So, she widens her search. After a few moments (and if she hadn't been on speaker phone I never would have believed it) she comes up with another (more hilarious) solution. She says, "Oh, I see here that there is another facility in your area! (She was very excited!) You can go to um, Calhoun-Liberty General in Blountstown, FL!" Now, if you work there, this is NOT a slam on you...but exactly which general practicioner did she want us to seek a second opinion from? I was born in this hospital (back when they still delivered babies), but now if you have more than a cold or a simple broken bone, you are NOT going to seek treatment at this facility. For those of you who don't live in this area, I've included a picture!
The information that is out there is very confusing but over and over, we were told to check out MD Anderson and Moffitt. We set up an appointment with MD Anderson (our doctors already work with Moffitt so we feel like we are getting the benefit they can provide already). The appointment was set for this past Friday in the morning. Thursday morning we got our kids ready for school, packed our bags and headed out...thank you, Jesus, that we had a few tasks to complete before we could leave town. After a trip to the post office and bank, we headed to the gas station to fill up. Our tank was almost full when I heard Jeff's phone ring. Then I heard, "Really? Well, I gave you that information a month ago...(long pause), so you are saying that we shouldn't come...we cannot be treated there? Ok, thank you." He returned to the car and said, "Well, so much for that, we are going home." Wait, back up the dog...what do you mean we are going home? No, we are not! We are going to get a second opinion!
Long story short, our insurance would not agree to cover any expenses at MDA so we were in fact NOT GOING. From here the day grew a little comical. Jeff made a call to our insurance company to find out what the problem was. The lady on the other end explained to him that our policy was actually a HMO policy and that they "only cover treatment in Florida facilities". Ok, MDA is in Orlando...you don't get anymore "Florida" than Orlando!!! Oh, but we don't cover MDA! We DO cover 53 hospitals in Florida and you can certainly seek treatment from any of those. Ok, great...can you please give us the names of those facilities. Absolutely, please give us your zipcode (why does that matter?) So, he gives her our zipcode and she informs us that there are 2 hospitals that we can go to...Tallahassee Memorial and Capital Regional...are you kidding me??? He laughs, and then proceeds to tell her that we have already tapped into the best that Tallahassee has to offer...we need to see someone at a more specialized hospital...a facility that specializes in cancer research/treatment. So, she widens her search. After a few moments (and if she hadn't been on speaker phone I never would have believed it) she comes up with another (more hilarious) solution. She says, "Oh, I see here that there is another facility in your area! (She was very excited!) You can go to um, Calhoun-Liberty General in Blountstown, FL!" Now, if you work there, this is NOT a slam on you...but exactly which general practicioner did she want us to seek a second opinion from? I was born in this hospital (back when they still delivered babies), but now if you have more than a cold or a simple broken bone, you are NOT going to seek treatment at this facility. For those of you who don't live in this area, I've included a picture!
It was at this point that we just began to laugh. Okay God, we get it...we understand that our faith cannot be in any MAN's opinion...only in His!
We are now unsure of what where we will go. We are still pursuing a couple of options. But this we understand. God will open the door or doors He wants us to go through...we will NOT kick them down. We have an incredible peace that He has this under control and that He will heal Jeff. It is an indescrible peace that even if I used every word in my limited vocabulary, I could not find the right words to make you understand.
We have been so blessed! Yesterday, our communtiy had a benefit on our behalf. The numbers are still coming in but so far several thousand dollars have been raised to help with our medical expenses. While that blows us away, the love that has been shown to us is even more special...you can't put a pricetag on that. We have been overwhelmed by the friends and family who pray for us everyday. People who just call or email or facebook us, just to say, we are praying for you...and you know that they mean it. We are blessed beyond measure! Pressed down, shaken together and RUNNING OVER!
Our God is awesome! He has a sense of humor and keeps us laughing even in the most tense situations. He is faithful, even when we are faithless! No matter how bad our situation gets (or yours), if we will take time to look, we can see God's hand of blessing in the midst of it. Oh God, help me to always look for your hand...without it, life is meanless and mundane. But with it, I can face any storm!
Oh, and by the way...why do we NEED a second opinion anyway? God says he is healed! Anything else is an "opinion" but when God says it...it is a FACT---Jack!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Our Journey (Post #30)
In Jesus Name, by Darlene Zscech, is a wonderful song! A wonderful reminder that God is fighting for us and that we are victorious in Him! As upbeat as I tend to be (by nature), that is something that I sometimes lose sight of. I'm thankful tonight for the reminder.
In recent days, we have been dealing with the effects of Jeff's cancer progression. His cough continues and now my asthma seems to be in overdrive. When you battle that for a while, weakness is inevitable. I'm so thankful though that God always sends me reminders when I grow weak. Right now, He has me studying about Gideon...someone who was characterized by fear, doubt and questioning. Yet, in his weakness, God proved Himself strong. He reminds me to trust Him through His word, through songs like this, and through friends who allow themselves to be used by Him.
Over the past couple of weeks (a time when I have struggled the most with believing), He has sent friends and even strangers to bless us and remind us that He has not forgotten. A friend, out of the blue, gave us a weekend at the beach (which we will take in just a couple of weeks). Another friend replaced our useless dishwasher with a brand new one. Another sent me for a pedicure. Others sent money or just did things that needed doing...just because. A group of fellow business women set up a benefit for us and now several churches have joined in. I really don't know how He could say, "I see where you are and I've got this" any louder.
Although I haven't doubted that God is in control, I sometimes do question whether I am just being overly optimistic. Jeff said at one Dr. appt that I was in denial. That I didn't want to talk about the possibility of him dying. Well, I had to really take a hard look at myself. I don't want to be in denial...there are things I need to learn to do and business I need to learn to handle. But I still truly believe that God is going to heal him. How do I find a balance between having faith and being realistic? Is there a balance or are you just one way or another? I don't have an answer for that one. I just know that somewhere deep in my core, there is something that tells me that I have to trust God. No matter what the doctor says, no matter what well meaning (but doubting) friends say, no matter what my husband even says...I just have to believe. Unbelief is not an option for me. That doesn't mean that I don't have doubts from time to time. It doesn't mean that I have super-faith or that I don't experience fear and worry. It does mean that when I feel that way, I run to Jesus.
Like Gideon...when the things I am facing don't make sense...I will trust Him. When my enemy appears to be overwhelming...I will trust Him. When my plans are whittled away at by a God with a better plan...I will trust Him. I trust Him...not because I have this great, unshakable faith, but because He is the only one I can trust. Who else can I go to? He's all I have...but He's all I need.
Recently a friend talked with me about a struggle she was facing. After many years in one line of work, she feels that God may be calling her to another line of work (that will result in a large pay cut and lifestyle change). She is a believer, yet she really struggles with taking this leap of faith. She was kind of beating herself up because even after putting out multiple fleeces and God answering each of them miraculously, she still is having a hard time with this. We all face things that we have a hard time trusting God with. Sometimes it feels like God is stripping away everything that would make believing easier. But if we can somehow push through...trevail in prayer...relentlessly persue His presence. Faith will come. God is faithful! He was for Gideon...He will be for me. I will continue to trust Him. " He is fighting for us, He is on our side, He has overcome. I will live, I will not die. The resurrection power of Christ, alive in me and I am free!!! In Jesus Name!!" Free from fear, free from doubt, free from sickness, free from death, FREE! Free to believe!!!
In recent days, we have been dealing with the effects of Jeff's cancer progression. His cough continues and now my asthma seems to be in overdrive. When you battle that for a while, weakness is inevitable. I'm so thankful though that God always sends me reminders when I grow weak. Right now, He has me studying about Gideon...someone who was characterized by fear, doubt and questioning. Yet, in his weakness, God proved Himself strong. He reminds me to trust Him through His word, through songs like this, and through friends who allow themselves to be used by Him.
Over the past couple of weeks (a time when I have struggled the most with believing), He has sent friends and even strangers to bless us and remind us that He has not forgotten. A friend, out of the blue, gave us a weekend at the beach (which we will take in just a couple of weeks). Another friend replaced our useless dishwasher with a brand new one. Another sent me for a pedicure. Others sent money or just did things that needed doing...just because. A group of fellow business women set up a benefit for us and now several churches have joined in. I really don't know how He could say, "I see where you are and I've got this" any louder.
Although I haven't doubted that God is in control, I sometimes do question whether I am just being overly optimistic. Jeff said at one Dr. appt that I was in denial. That I didn't want to talk about the possibility of him dying. Well, I had to really take a hard look at myself. I don't want to be in denial...there are things I need to learn to do and business I need to learn to handle. But I still truly believe that God is going to heal him. How do I find a balance between having faith and being realistic? Is there a balance or are you just one way or another? I don't have an answer for that one. I just know that somewhere deep in my core, there is something that tells me that I have to trust God. No matter what the doctor says, no matter what well meaning (but doubting) friends say, no matter what my husband even says...I just have to believe. Unbelief is not an option for me. That doesn't mean that I don't have doubts from time to time. It doesn't mean that I have super-faith or that I don't experience fear and worry. It does mean that when I feel that way, I run to Jesus.
Like Gideon...when the things I am facing don't make sense...I will trust Him. When my enemy appears to be overwhelming...I will trust Him. When my plans are whittled away at by a God with a better plan...I will trust Him. I trust Him...not because I have this great, unshakable faith, but because He is the only one I can trust. Who else can I go to? He's all I have...but He's all I need.
Recently a friend talked with me about a struggle she was facing. After many years in one line of work, she feels that God may be calling her to another line of work (that will result in a large pay cut and lifestyle change). She is a believer, yet she really struggles with taking this leap of faith. She was kind of beating herself up because even after putting out multiple fleeces and God answering each of them miraculously, she still is having a hard time with this. We all face things that we have a hard time trusting God with. Sometimes it feels like God is stripping away everything that would make believing easier. But if we can somehow push through...trevail in prayer...relentlessly persue His presence. Faith will come. God is faithful! He was for Gideon...He will be for me. I will continue to trust Him. " He is fighting for us, He is on our side, He has overcome. I will live, I will not die. The resurrection power of Christ, alive in me and I am free!!! In Jesus Name!!" Free from fear, free from doubt, free from sickness, free from death, FREE! Free to believe!!!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Our Journey Post 29
July 15, 2013
We knew this day might come. The day when the chemo has taken it toll and Jeff's hair would let go. Actually, it started happening several days ago and I prayed that God would give us a few days to come to grips with the changes before we had to shave his head. God is good. He gave us a week to deal with the emotions that inevitably come with hair loss.
As long as I have known Jeff, his hair has been part of his personality. I met him in college (a Christian college with a dress code that included hair length, mind you). He came stolling across campus in a denim duster coat, long hair (that has since been dubbed a "mullet", but at the time was very cool!), and sun glasses. Everyone on campus seemed to know him...they might not know his name but they knew his hair! Spiked on top and long in the back. He even had the Dean (Balzano) paying for his haircuts at one point and managed to get an invitation to do the devotion in chapel in exchange for one of his trims!
The first time I took him home to meet my mom, we stopped before we got to the house and took his pony tail out. I wasn't sure my little country bumpkin mama could handle all that hair, but I loved it! She was so funny...she pulled me to the back room and asked, "Did you know that his hair is longer than yours?"....Well mom, yep, I noticed!
One of my favorite pictures of him on our wedding day is him flipping his hair out of the collar of his tux. I would watch him spike each individual hair, using more hair product than I ever dreamed. He was in his late 20's when the first glimpses of gray started to appear and although he continued to get more and more gray, he still had more pepper than salt in the mix.
We were so happy with his first round of chemo because they told us that he wouldn't lose his hair. But when they had to change the drug and we learned that this was a side effect...it just made me sad. Now, don't get me wrong. I come from a family of bald men that I dearly love. I think they are some of the most handsome men on this Earth. So in no way was my sadness attached to any thoughts that husband would not be as attractive to me without hair. I knew that he would still be incredibly sexy to me with or without hair. No, my sadness instead was instead because I knew how much he loved his hair. In the 80's it was his statement. In the 90's it helped him
relate to the kids he pastored. In the new millinium it has set him apart as a different kind of pastor...not one that you could just look at and say, "Hey, I bet he's a preacher." He wanted folks to hear what he had to say and many times, believe it or not, his hair acted as an ice breaker to let him share the love of Christ with folks who had long given up on church. I was sad for him...not for me. So last night, as I put that blasted razor to his head, I had no choice but to give my sadness to the Lord.
I know it may seem silly to many of you, but this step was a hard one for me. It was hard to be the one to shave his head. Then again, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it. This morning I woke up to his beautiful bald head. And it is quite beautiful. It is a small price to pay. When I think of how they plucked out the beard of my savior. How they must have hurt Him and humiliated Him. It's then that am able to pull myself out of this pity party. Because He endured the worst, we are able to survive the bad.
So yes, this is not what I had planned for our lives. But this is a "light and momentary" affliction. Christ was beaten and whipped for us. He was nailed to a cross, naked and alone...for us. We can face Cancer without fear, because Christ took stripes for our healing. We continue to pray and ask for divine healing. If He chooses to send it through a chemo drug that causes hair loss...I will not complain. I will not look at his bald head with disdain...but rather with a love I cannot explain. I am so in love with this man and as I look at him napping now (because the chemo just drains his energy), I am overwhelmed by how much I love his new look. Whether it is a permanent change or just a temporary look, I will enjoy it. Every single moment.
Hey, at least I don't have to worry about him using up all the hot water anymore to get his hair washed!!
We knew this day might come. The day when the chemo has taken it toll and Jeff's hair would let go. Actually, it started happening several days ago and I prayed that God would give us a few days to come to grips with the changes before we had to shave his head. God is good. He gave us a week to deal with the emotions that inevitably come with hair loss.
The first time I took him home to meet my mom, we stopped before we got to the house and took his pony tail out. I wasn't sure my little country bumpkin mama could handle all that hair, but I loved it! She was so funny...she pulled me to the back room and asked, "Did you know that his hair is longer than yours?"....Well mom, yep, I noticed!One of my favorite pictures of him on our wedding day is him flipping his hair out of the collar of his tux. I would watch him spike each individual hair, using more hair product than I ever dreamed. He was in his late 20's when the first glimpses of gray started to appear and although he continued to get more and more gray, he still had more pepper than salt in the mix.
relate to the kids he pastored. In the new millinium it has set him apart as a different kind of pastor...not one that you could just look at and say, "Hey, I bet he's a preacher." He wanted folks to hear what he had to say and many times, believe it or not, his hair acted as an ice breaker to let him share the love of Christ with folks who had long given up on church. I was sad for him...not for me. So last night, as I put that blasted razor to his head, I had no choice but to give my sadness to the Lord.
I know it may seem silly to many of you, but this step was a hard one for me. It was hard to be the one to shave his head. Then again, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it. This morning I woke up to his beautiful bald head. And it is quite beautiful. It is a small price to pay. When I think of how they plucked out the beard of my savior. How they must have hurt Him and humiliated Him. It's then that am able to pull myself out of this pity party. Because He endured the worst, we are able to survive the bad.
So yes, this is not what I had planned for our lives. But this is a "light and momentary" affliction. Christ was beaten and whipped for us. He was nailed to a cross, naked and alone...for us. We can face Cancer without fear, because Christ took stripes for our healing. We continue to pray and ask for divine healing. If He chooses to send it through a chemo drug that causes hair loss...I will not complain. I will not look at his bald head with disdain...but rather with a love I cannot explain. I am so in love with this man and as I look at him napping now (because the chemo just drains his energy), I am overwhelmed by how much I love his new look. Whether it is a permanent change or just a temporary look, I will enjoy it. Every single moment.
Hey, at least I don't have to worry about him using up all the hot water anymore to get his hair washed!!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Our Journey (Post 28)
Friday, June 28, 2013
I have wanted to update this blog for a couple of days now, but time and illness have kept me at bay. Monday, Doran introduced a nasty stomach bug to our household...remind me to thank him! On Tuesday we went to get a chemo treatment and it went well. On Wednesday, Jeff was feeling pretty good and our day went very well. Then came Thursday...
Thursday morning, I awoke with a terrible headache (that Tylenol wouldn't touch) and a sick feeling in my stomach. Jeff woke up feeling like he had been hit by a truck. He had pain in all his joints and we generally not feeling well. As the day wore on, we both felt worse and worse. Bleh!
Today, I woke up feeling better and was hoping for the same for him...it was not to be...he was in a LOT of pain. Then the princess, Abbi, stirred and reported that now SHE didn't feel so good. At this point I am ready to scream...enough sickness...get out of my house!
Isn't it funny that when we hit our low point, God is just getting ready to do something amazing! I sat on the sofa, having a little pity party and wondering if God could even see me anymore. Not long after that a friend called to tell me that her husband was on his way to our house with a dishwasher.
Now, let me back up and tell you, our dishwasher went out on us a few months ago...I think it was in March. With the cost of medical bills and an uncertainty about our future, we didn't want to go into more debt to get a new one. Plus, we have 3 able bodied children who are perfectly capable of washing dishes. At first it was quite a chore to get them to do it, but they caught on pretty quick (however, they never stopped complaining!).
I saw that my friends were getting rid of a dishwasher and messaged them to see if I could get it. They said sure and plans were made for them to deliver it today. So, they pull up today with a box in the back of the truck and I'm thinking, wow, they put the old dishwasher in the box from the new one...they are so organized! So then I learn that not only did they bring it but now they are going to install it for us...how I held the tears back I will never know! Still I had no idea just how big this blessing was gonna be. They proceed to remove the old dishwasher (which was no easy feat) and then tear open the box for the new one. Yes, that's right... a NEW one. Brand spanking new! I had to leave the room and go pull myself together. These precious people not only went out and bought us a new dishwasher, they worked for over 2 hours installing it!
Tonight, the dishes are washing (quietly) as I write. No "Doran needs to come rinse these dishes" or "Why do I have to wash tonight" or "I can't wash because she didn't put the dishes away last night"! Just a quiet little whirrr. Ahhhh peace! How I have missed you!
As if that wasn't enough, another friend sent over some fresh field peas...straight from heaven, I mean the garden! Oh Lord, You DO see me! I didn't ask for the new dishwasher...but You saw fit to bless me with it. I didn't ask for the bounty from the garden...but again, you have blessed me. He uses people that just let themselves be used. People who simply say, "Here I am, Lord, send me". See, their mission field wasn't a foreign country today. It wasn't an inner city shelter or even a half-way house. Today, their mission field was a friend who needed what they had. It was a pastor's wife who was at the end of her rope and needed to know that God cared. They were God's hands extended to me, today. A sweet reminder that God blesses us, not with "things" but with people who are precious and who are willing to use their giftings to bless others.
Thank you, God, for friends. Precious people who don't just say they have faith, but put their faith into action. Help me to always be ready to use what I have to bless others. I am blessed to be a blessing.
I have wanted to update this blog for a couple of days now, but time and illness have kept me at bay. Monday, Doran introduced a nasty stomach bug to our household...remind me to thank him! On Tuesday we went to get a chemo treatment and it went well. On Wednesday, Jeff was feeling pretty good and our day went very well. Then came Thursday...
Thursday morning, I awoke with a terrible headache (that Tylenol wouldn't touch) and a sick feeling in my stomach. Jeff woke up feeling like he had been hit by a truck. He had pain in all his joints and we generally not feeling well. As the day wore on, we both felt worse and worse. Bleh!
Today, I woke up feeling better and was hoping for the same for him...it was not to be...he was in a LOT of pain. Then the princess, Abbi, stirred and reported that now SHE didn't feel so good. At this point I am ready to scream...enough sickness...get out of my house!
Isn't it funny that when we hit our low point, God is just getting ready to do something amazing! I sat on the sofa, having a little pity party and wondering if God could even see me anymore. Not long after that a friend called to tell me that her husband was on his way to our house with a dishwasher.
Now, let me back up and tell you, our dishwasher went out on us a few months ago...I think it was in March. With the cost of medical bills and an uncertainty about our future, we didn't want to go into more debt to get a new one. Plus, we have 3 able bodied children who are perfectly capable of washing dishes. At first it was quite a chore to get them to do it, but they caught on pretty quick (however, they never stopped complaining!).
I saw that my friends were getting rid of a dishwasher and messaged them to see if I could get it. They said sure and plans were made for them to deliver it today. So, they pull up today with a box in the back of the truck and I'm thinking, wow, they put the old dishwasher in the box from the new one...they are so organized! So then I learn that not only did they bring it but now they are going to install it for us...how I held the tears back I will never know! Still I had no idea just how big this blessing was gonna be. They proceed to remove the old dishwasher (which was no easy feat) and then tear open the box for the new one. Yes, that's right... a NEW one. Brand spanking new! I had to leave the room and go pull myself together. These precious people not only went out and bought us a new dishwasher, they worked for over 2 hours installing it!
Tonight, the dishes are washing (quietly) as I write. No "Doran needs to come rinse these dishes" or "Why do I have to wash tonight" or "I can't wash because she didn't put the dishes away last night"! Just a quiet little whirrr. Ahhhh peace! How I have missed you!
As if that wasn't enough, another friend sent over some fresh field peas...straight from heaven, I mean the garden! Oh Lord, You DO see me! I didn't ask for the new dishwasher...but You saw fit to bless me with it. I didn't ask for the bounty from the garden...but again, you have blessed me. He uses people that just let themselves be used. People who simply say, "Here I am, Lord, send me". See, their mission field wasn't a foreign country today. It wasn't an inner city shelter or even a half-way house. Today, their mission field was a friend who needed what they had. It was a pastor's wife who was at the end of her rope and needed to know that God cared. They were God's hands extended to me, today. A sweet reminder that God blesses us, not with "things" but with people who are precious and who are willing to use their giftings to bless others.
Thank you, God, for friends. Precious people who don't just say they have faith, but put their faith into action. Help me to always be ready to use what I have to bless others. I am blessed to be a blessing.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Our Journey - Post 27 (Double barrels)
Well, I must've ticked off the devil with yesterday's post! Today, he has come at us with both barrels. Today, we learned that the fluid is back on Jeff's lungs. The creatinine level in is kidneys still is not at a safe level for him to begin the chemo (Alimpta) that the doctor wanted to use...soooo we will start a different kind of chemo on Friday and after that he will have the fluid drained from his lungs again.
I am still holding fast to the promises of God. We believe that his healing is done...we continue to praise God for it, even though we can't see it yet.
Today, I sat down and read a little book that a friend sent me about Holy Communion and how it brings health and wholeness (Joseph Prince). It was eye-opening for me and so I started sharing it with Jeff...believe it or not, that is exactly what the sermon he had just finished writing was about. I'm sorry, I have to believe that is God. Jesus' body was broken so that we can be whole and live in health. I just had never considered that truth about communion.
Another study that I am doing reminded me that not all facts are true. The facts are that Jeff has cancer. The facts say that the type of cancer he has drastically shortens your life. Only problem is the facts don't factor in the TRUTH. The TRUTH says that Christ was broken and bruised so that we can be healed. The TRUTH says that when we call on Him, He will answer. The TRUTH says that He will give us long life (Ps 91). Facts are great, but we choose to believe TRUTH over facts.
Tonight Jeff has been struggling quite a bit. He preached and did a great job, but as soon as we got home, he nearly collapsed with exhaustion and shortly after the coughing came back with a vengence. So I'm sitting up tonight...praying over my husband. Claiming truth for him. I will man my post as long as necessary. Others are on watch with me. All over the world, I know folks are praying for him. Please don't stop.
The devil came at us today with both barrels...but I intend to hit him with an atom bomb! Do not mess with a wife who understands how powerful the God she serves is. Not in my own power but with the power of God in me, I will proclaim that TRUTH will win!
I am still holding fast to the promises of God. We believe that his healing is done...we continue to praise God for it, even though we can't see it yet.
Today, I sat down and read a little book that a friend sent me about Holy Communion and how it brings health and wholeness (Joseph Prince). It was eye-opening for me and so I started sharing it with Jeff...believe it or not, that is exactly what the sermon he had just finished writing was about. I'm sorry, I have to believe that is God. Jesus' body was broken so that we can be whole and live in health. I just had never considered that truth about communion.
Another study that I am doing reminded me that not all facts are true. The facts are that Jeff has cancer. The facts say that the type of cancer he has drastically shortens your life. Only problem is the facts don't factor in the TRUTH. The TRUTH says that Christ was broken and bruised so that we can be healed. The TRUTH says that when we call on Him, He will answer. The TRUTH says that He will give us long life (Ps 91). Facts are great, but we choose to believe TRUTH over facts.
Tonight Jeff has been struggling quite a bit. He preached and did a great job, but as soon as we got home, he nearly collapsed with exhaustion and shortly after the coughing came back with a vengence. So I'm sitting up tonight...praying over my husband. Claiming truth for him. I will man my post as long as necessary. Others are on watch with me. All over the world, I know folks are praying for him. Please don't stop.
The devil came at us today with both barrels...but I intend to hit him with an atom bomb! Do not mess with a wife who understands how powerful the God she serves is. Not in my own power but with the power of God in me, I will proclaim that TRUTH will win!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Our Journey (Post 26)
Faith. It's a little word. Just five letters. Dynamite comes in small packages...likewise, this little word, when applied properly, packs a powerful punch. Hebrews tells us that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." It's confidence in what we've hoped for and assurance in what we can't see. It's more than believing in something, it's knowing, like know that you know knowing, that it will come to pass. Not because you can see it with your eyes, but rather inspite of the fact that you can't see it.
For the last several months, God has been working on growing my faith. You've read about our hurdles and how we've learned to trust Him in the midst of our struggles. But recently He has been calling our faith to come up to another level...to step it up a notch (or two). It started on May 31st, when Jeff had to go back in the hospital and we learned that the cancer was back. For the last two weeks there has been a non-stop dialog going on between me and God.
I don't believe in chance...I believe that the steps of a righteous man (or woman) are ordered by the Lord. I believe that everything that happens in the life of a believer is for a specific purpose. Our job is not to figure out what that purpose is, but instead it is to trust God and glorify Him in everything. So when this new twist in our journey came along, I found myself frustrated because I was trying to figure out what the purpose was. Why? Why? Why? That's what I kept asking.
I'm so glad that God is patient with me and when I don't get something on the first try, He always gives me another chance to learn. And when I'm really slow...He sends me confirmation, signs along the way, so I know that I'm on the right path. That's exactly what He has been doing for the last few days.
I told you, in my last blog, that He sent a friend to tell me to believe for Jeff's healing. Since that post, He has sent me so many confirmations that I've lost track. Today alone, He sent me like five seperate confirmations. A miracle is in the works.
I know it as sure as I know my name. I appreciate doctors and all that they do...but I do not have faith in their word. I am thankful for friends who support us in times like this, but I do not put my faith in their understanding of our tomorrow. I love my husband, but my faith is not in how he feels. My faith is in God and God alone.
All my life I have professed to believe in Him. I've said that I believe in miracles, though I've never witnessed one. But today, something clicked in my spirit. There was a shift...I went from believing that a miracle was possible to expecting a miracle. Then, almost within a hair of a second, I felt him saying, "Come deeper in your faith, Daughter. You're expecting a miracle...now, will you expect it today?" It was as it He was drawing me out into deeper water, much like what I would expect that Peter felt when Jesus beckoned him to get out of the boat.
God has used people, scripture, music, prayer, and other things that I just don't have words for to confirm for me that Jeff is healed. His healing is done. I truly believe that God will get all credit for this one. The doctors will have to say, "God did this." No other explanation.
Some of you will think I've lost my mind...that's ok. But some are just brave enough, or crazy enough, to have faith with me. If that is the case, keep your eyes open. Expect a miracle. Put a smile on your face. Praise Him for it and don't stop, not even for a second, giving Him glory!
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
I'm expecting a miracle. I'm expecting a "long life" for my husband. FAITH!
For the last several months, God has been working on growing my faith. You've read about our hurdles and how we've learned to trust Him in the midst of our struggles. But recently He has been calling our faith to come up to another level...to step it up a notch (or two). It started on May 31st, when Jeff had to go back in the hospital and we learned that the cancer was back. For the last two weeks there has been a non-stop dialog going on between me and God.
I don't believe in chance...I believe that the steps of a righteous man (or woman) are ordered by the Lord. I believe that everything that happens in the life of a believer is for a specific purpose. Our job is not to figure out what that purpose is, but instead it is to trust God and glorify Him in everything. So when this new twist in our journey came along, I found myself frustrated because I was trying to figure out what the purpose was. Why? Why? Why? That's what I kept asking.
I'm so glad that God is patient with me and when I don't get something on the first try, He always gives me another chance to learn. And when I'm really slow...He sends me confirmation, signs along the way, so I know that I'm on the right path. That's exactly what He has been doing for the last few days.
I told you, in my last blog, that He sent a friend to tell me to believe for Jeff's healing. Since that post, He has sent me so many confirmations that I've lost track. Today alone, He sent me like five seperate confirmations. A miracle is in the works.
I know it as sure as I know my name. I appreciate doctors and all that they do...but I do not have faith in their word. I am thankful for friends who support us in times like this, but I do not put my faith in their understanding of our tomorrow. I love my husband, but my faith is not in how he feels. My faith is in God and God alone.
All my life I have professed to believe in Him. I've said that I believe in miracles, though I've never witnessed one. But today, something clicked in my spirit. There was a shift...I went from believing that a miracle was possible to expecting a miracle. Then, almost within a hair of a second, I felt him saying, "Come deeper in your faith, Daughter. You're expecting a miracle...now, will you expect it today?" It was as it He was drawing me out into deeper water, much like what I would expect that Peter felt when Jesus beckoned him to get out of the boat.
God has used people, scripture, music, prayer, and other things that I just don't have words for to confirm for me that Jeff is healed. His healing is done. I truly believe that God will get all credit for this one. The doctors will have to say, "God did this." No other explanation.
I've asked God to help me believe, to make my faith bigger. In the gospel of Luke, chapter 17, the apostles asked Jesus a similar question..5The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!”
6He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. Well, today, I got it! The lightbulb came on, the fog cleared. If the apostles could command a tree to be uprooted and planted in the sea, then I can command cancer to be uprooted and die. My faith is not in my power, but in His power. It's not in my ability, but in His. His Word tells me in John 14:12 that in fact we will do even greater things than what Jesus did during His earthly ministry...because He went to the Father. I believe that! Just like He said it...no ifs, ands, or buts. God said it...that settles it. I choose to believe it!
6He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. Well, today, I got it! The lightbulb came on, the fog cleared. If the apostles could command a tree to be uprooted and planted in the sea, then I can command cancer to be uprooted and die. My faith is not in my power, but in His power. It's not in my ability, but in His. His Word tells me in John 14:12 that in fact we will do even greater things than what Jesus did during His earthly ministry...because He went to the Father. I believe that! Just like He said it...no ifs, ands, or buts. God said it...that settles it. I choose to believe it!
Some of you will think I've lost my mind...that's ok. But some are just brave enough, or crazy enough, to have faith with me. If that is the case, keep your eyes open. Expect a miracle. Put a smile on your face. Praise Him for it and don't stop, not even for a second, giving Him glory!
From Psalm 91 (the scripture God has given me since the 1st day of our journey)
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
I'm expecting a miracle. I'm expecting a "long life" for my husband. FAITH!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Our Journey (Post 25 )
Throughout our ordeal with cancer, I have had an unexplainable peace. A peace that I didn't understand, much less be able to put it in words. Oh, I've experienced moments of helplessness and shear terror, but even in those, I can feel God's presence near me.
I posted about one of those times Wednesday night. Yesterday (Thursday), the neatest thing happened to me. I'm not sure whose benefit this post is for. Sometimes, I feel that I'm writing for an audience, to encourage and give hope to others who might be going through difficult situations. Sometimes, I know it's just for me...a way of getting everything out before I explode. Today, I think it may be for both.
All along the way, we have discussed the possibility of Jeff not being healed this side of heaven. It's not a possibility we like to consider, but we understand that people die of cancer everyday. With the reoccurrence of his cancer, we were forced to discuss things that we hoped we would not discuss until we were well into our 80's.
Though it's not what we want, Jeff is okay with the possibility. He knows what awaits him and though he doesn't want to leave his family, being with Jesus is going to be amazing. I, on the other hand, am not okay with that possibily. Don't get me wrong, I too know where he is going and I know God would take care of us and help us through it, but I just don't believe that God is through with him on this earth yet. I have believed from day one that God will heal him...I still hold to that.
I was struggling with this very thought yesterday...wondering if maybe I was over spiritualizing everything, when I recieved a phone call. A most unusual phone call.
I recieved a phone call from a friend. This friend is one of those friends that I can go for months and not speak to, but if we are ever together it is like we were never apart. Occassionally God will lay this friend on my heart and I'll call her to check on her. She does the same for me but we live more than 100 miles apart and don't get to chat often. One thing I have learned about this friend is that she doesn't need all the details in order to pray. I can paint with broad strokes for her and God always seems to direct her to where the real need is. She is in-tune with Him and though she has on occassion delivered a timely word to me, she never over-spiritualizes things...at least not that I have seen. She has been a mentor, friend and prayer partner for many years. I trust that when she gives me advice that she is not doing so for her own gain or fame, but because she truly cares about me and has talked to God about my problem.
So yesterday, she calls me. She doesn't know the discussions Jeff and I have been having. She doesn't know the private battle that is raging inside my mind. She just believes she has heard from God and wants to tell me what she's heard. She even prefaced what she had to say by telling me that if she was off base I could disregard or throw out anything that didn't fit. She couldn't have been more right on if she'd tried. I believe that God used her to build my faith...and I hope it will build yours as well. Here's what she had to say to me...to the best of my memory.
"God already knows the beginning from the end. He knows exactly how many days Jeff has on this Earth. So what if...what if...God plans for Jeff to live to be seventy something? To see his kids raised and married? To enjoy grandchildren? And what if Satan, knowing that Jeff is a servant of God and pastor with a heart for the community in which he has been placed, wants to undermind God's plan. Now he can't destroy God's plan for Jeff's life...all he can do is convince Jeff that God is through with him. So what if he uses the medical field to convince Jeff that his life is over? If Jeff believes the lie then he gives up and "accepts" his "fate". And maybe God allows that kind of temptation to strengthen our faith. Don't believe the lie! Keep trusting God for miraculous healing and for many years of ministry."
Our conversation was short but God continued to speak to me throughout the rest of the day and into the night. Already He has driven home the "Do you trust me?" question. Now, he is reminding me that we have an enemy who will do whatever he can to get us to lose sight of the prize. I believe that God is going to heal my husband this side of heaven. I believe that we will grow old together. If I am wrong, then I believe I serve a God who can heal my broken heart and give me a new purpose in life. But if I am right, I need friends who will come alongside us and help us believe for this miracle. I don't know how it will come. Perhaps with just a touch or perhaps it will be through the wisdom of medical professionals. I'm asking our friends and family to have faith with us. To believe in a God who heals. And to believe that God will heal Jeff. I know some will think I've lost my mind...some will think I just can't cope. But God knows my heart...He has heard my deepest cries. Will you please believe with us? This I know for sure...the God I serve is not cruel. He knew the thoughts that were inside my head that I wouldn't even verbalize to my husband. He used a friend who was hours away to tell me that He is listening to my prayers...He just wants me to keep believing!
I posted about one of those times Wednesday night. Yesterday (Thursday), the neatest thing happened to me. I'm not sure whose benefit this post is for. Sometimes, I feel that I'm writing for an audience, to encourage and give hope to others who might be going through difficult situations. Sometimes, I know it's just for me...a way of getting everything out before I explode. Today, I think it may be for both.
All along the way, we have discussed the possibility of Jeff not being healed this side of heaven. It's not a possibility we like to consider, but we understand that people die of cancer everyday. With the reoccurrence of his cancer, we were forced to discuss things that we hoped we would not discuss until we were well into our 80's.
Though it's not what we want, Jeff is okay with the possibility. He knows what awaits him and though he doesn't want to leave his family, being with Jesus is going to be amazing. I, on the other hand, am not okay with that possibily. Don't get me wrong, I too know where he is going and I know God would take care of us and help us through it, but I just don't believe that God is through with him on this earth yet. I have believed from day one that God will heal him...I still hold to that.
I was struggling with this very thought yesterday...wondering if maybe I was over spiritualizing everything, when I recieved a phone call. A most unusual phone call.
I recieved a phone call from a friend. This friend is one of those friends that I can go for months and not speak to, but if we are ever together it is like we were never apart. Occassionally God will lay this friend on my heart and I'll call her to check on her. She does the same for me but we live more than 100 miles apart and don't get to chat often. One thing I have learned about this friend is that she doesn't need all the details in order to pray. I can paint with broad strokes for her and God always seems to direct her to where the real need is. She is in-tune with Him and though she has on occassion delivered a timely word to me, she never over-spiritualizes things...at least not that I have seen. She has been a mentor, friend and prayer partner for many years. I trust that when she gives me advice that she is not doing so for her own gain or fame, but because she truly cares about me and has talked to God about my problem.
So yesterday, she calls me. She doesn't know the discussions Jeff and I have been having. She doesn't know the private battle that is raging inside my mind. She just believes she has heard from God and wants to tell me what she's heard. She even prefaced what she had to say by telling me that if she was off base I could disregard or throw out anything that didn't fit. She couldn't have been more right on if she'd tried. I believe that God used her to build my faith...and I hope it will build yours as well. Here's what she had to say to me...to the best of my memory.
"God already knows the beginning from the end. He knows exactly how many days Jeff has on this Earth. So what if...what if...God plans for Jeff to live to be seventy something? To see his kids raised and married? To enjoy grandchildren? And what if Satan, knowing that Jeff is a servant of God and pastor with a heart for the community in which he has been placed, wants to undermind God's plan. Now he can't destroy God's plan for Jeff's life...all he can do is convince Jeff that God is through with him. So what if he uses the medical field to convince Jeff that his life is over? If Jeff believes the lie then he gives up and "accepts" his "fate". And maybe God allows that kind of temptation to strengthen our faith. Don't believe the lie! Keep trusting God for miraculous healing and for many years of ministry."
Our conversation was short but God continued to speak to me throughout the rest of the day and into the night. Already He has driven home the "Do you trust me?" question. Now, he is reminding me that we have an enemy who will do whatever he can to get us to lose sight of the prize. I believe that God is going to heal my husband this side of heaven. I believe that we will grow old together. If I am wrong, then I believe I serve a God who can heal my broken heart and give me a new purpose in life. But if I am right, I need friends who will come alongside us and help us believe for this miracle. I don't know how it will come. Perhaps with just a touch or perhaps it will be through the wisdom of medical professionals. I'm asking our friends and family to have faith with us. To believe in a God who heals. And to believe that God will heal Jeff. I know some will think I've lost my mind...some will think I just can't cope. But God knows my heart...He has heard my deepest cries. Will you please believe with us? This I know for sure...the God I serve is not cruel. He knew the thoughts that were inside my head that I wouldn't even verbalize to my husband. He used a friend who was hours away to tell me that He is listening to my prayers...He just wants me to keep believing!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Our Journey - Be Still
Today was perhaps the most unnerving day I've had so far. I can't really explain it but I felt completely overwhelmed and helpless. I wanted to just curl into a ball and cry...or hurl...or both. I suppose I knew it was coming, but I was blindsided by the severity of my emotions. I found myself sad, scared, overwhelmed and mad all at the same time (but mostly mad). I know it's not the thing you expect to hear from a pastor's wife, but I've promised to be honest and if I am going to be honest, well, today was the pits!
Several years ago, Jeff and I came to an agreement that he would handle all the bookkeeping for the family. For years he has paid all the bills, balanced the checkbook and just let me know when we had money to spend and when we didn't. Well, considering his recent diagnosis, he wanted me to be prepared for anything, so today was the day for me to get a crash course in paying bills. Now I'm a smart girl (or atleast I think I am), so this should have been a simple thing to do. Technically it wasn't bad, emotionally it was killing me.
The longer the day grew, the more anxious my heart became and the harder it became to hold the tears at bay. I understand that it is ok to cry and sometimes even therapeutic. I also understand that once I turn the faucet on, turning it off is next to impossible. My sweet husband was so sensative to my needs today. I know it kills him to see me like I was today. Still I couldn't pull out of the funk. Understanding, even better than me, what I needed, he sent me home. He said stay home, send the kids to church and just have some "me" time...translation, "Go home and have a good cry."
So home I went...only to feel the tension in my body grow. I walked into a messy house. Don't really know what I expected there, but today it just added to my frustration. There were dishes in the sink, a pile of laundry to be washed and their rooms were, well, let's just say that they won't be earning an allowance this week!
After feeding them, I sent the kids off to church and then I commenced to cleaning. Now, no one who knows me (really knows me) would accuse me of being a clean freak. I have a hard time staying focused on one task at a time. Normally I will start a task and ten minutes later I am distracted by an old picture or something else I haven't seen in years. But let me tell you, when I am mad I am a cleaning machine. I'm talking methodic and spotless! The madder I am, the cleaner my house will be.
I was in the kitchen. I took the stove apart, the coffee maker apart. I scrubbed everything in sight...swept and mopped...and the whole time I was balling my eyes out. I'm talking gut wrenching sobs. Friends called to check on me and I think they thought I was losing my mind. I was. With every wipe of the sponge, every swish of the broom, every scrub, I was crying out to God. "Lord, I don't understand why we have to go through this. I trust you. I'm pretty sure that I've always trusted you, but right now, Lord, I cannot get my mind around this. I need you to help me. I need a miracle, God." I ranted. I raved. I railed. I wailed. But what I couldn't do was hear. I couldn't hear the God that I serve saying anything.
The silence was deafening. So I cried and cleaned even harder. In my frustration, I called out to Him again. I was in the middle of wiping down the counters and everthing on them when I shouted amidst the tears, "God what am I supposed to do? You have to help me." I looked down at the plaque in my hand and I couldn't believe my eyes. There was my answer. This plaque has been sitting on my kitchen counter for years but many times gets pushed behind stuff or just gets over looked. I was dusting it off and I read it...I could hear God. The plaque simply says "Be still and know that I am God. Ps 46:10". Be still...stop trying to figure out what the future holds, how you will fix everything. Just be still, my child. Shhhh, it's gonna be ok...Daddy's here. Know that I am God...I am God...you are not. I have every detail of your life under control. Trust me. I want you to trust me.
There it was...peace. Reassurance that despite a bad report, a messy house, dissapointments and a broken heart, that God was in control and that I can trust Him. He will make our path straight. I believe that He will give us a miracle. There are two specific miracles I am asking for...one is Jeff's healing, the other is a spiritual matter. God assured me in a millisecond that He had this. That I could be still and should be still. I should be still because I trust Him. There is nothing that makes a Daddy happier than for His children to trust Him. Completely and totally trust Him.
Thank you, God, that You are trustworthy. Thank you for the gentle reminder that You are not worried about my situation...you have it under control. All I have to do is be still and know that you are God.
Several years ago, Jeff and I came to an agreement that he would handle all the bookkeeping for the family. For years he has paid all the bills, balanced the checkbook and just let me know when we had money to spend and when we didn't. Well, considering his recent diagnosis, he wanted me to be prepared for anything, so today was the day for me to get a crash course in paying bills. Now I'm a smart girl (or atleast I think I am), so this should have been a simple thing to do. Technically it wasn't bad, emotionally it was killing me.
The longer the day grew, the more anxious my heart became and the harder it became to hold the tears at bay. I understand that it is ok to cry and sometimes even therapeutic. I also understand that once I turn the faucet on, turning it off is next to impossible. My sweet husband was so sensative to my needs today. I know it kills him to see me like I was today. Still I couldn't pull out of the funk. Understanding, even better than me, what I needed, he sent me home. He said stay home, send the kids to church and just have some "me" time...translation, "Go home and have a good cry."
So home I went...only to feel the tension in my body grow. I walked into a messy house. Don't really know what I expected there, but today it just added to my frustration. There were dishes in the sink, a pile of laundry to be washed and their rooms were, well, let's just say that they won't be earning an allowance this week!
After feeding them, I sent the kids off to church and then I commenced to cleaning. Now, no one who knows me (really knows me) would accuse me of being a clean freak. I have a hard time staying focused on one task at a time. Normally I will start a task and ten minutes later I am distracted by an old picture or something else I haven't seen in years. But let me tell you, when I am mad I am a cleaning machine. I'm talking methodic and spotless! The madder I am, the cleaner my house will be.
I was in the kitchen. I took the stove apart, the coffee maker apart. I scrubbed everything in sight...swept and mopped...and the whole time I was balling my eyes out. I'm talking gut wrenching sobs. Friends called to check on me and I think they thought I was losing my mind. I was. With every wipe of the sponge, every swish of the broom, every scrub, I was crying out to God. "Lord, I don't understand why we have to go through this. I trust you. I'm pretty sure that I've always trusted you, but right now, Lord, I cannot get my mind around this. I need you to help me. I need a miracle, God." I ranted. I raved. I railed. I wailed. But what I couldn't do was hear. I couldn't hear the God that I serve saying anything.
The silence was deafening. So I cried and cleaned even harder. In my frustration, I called out to Him again. I was in the middle of wiping down the counters and everthing on them when I shouted amidst the tears, "God what am I supposed to do? You have to help me." I looked down at the plaque in my hand and I couldn't believe my eyes. There was my answer. This plaque has been sitting on my kitchen counter for years but many times gets pushed behind stuff or just gets over looked. I was dusting it off and I read it...I could hear God. The plaque simply says "Be still and know that I am God. Ps 46:10". Be still...stop trying to figure out what the future holds, how you will fix everything. Just be still, my child. Shhhh, it's gonna be ok...Daddy's here. Know that I am God...I am God...you are not. I have every detail of your life under control. Trust me. I want you to trust me.
There it was...peace. Reassurance that despite a bad report, a messy house, dissapointments and a broken heart, that God was in control and that I can trust Him. He will make our path straight. I believe that He will give us a miracle. There are two specific miracles I am asking for...one is Jeff's healing, the other is a spiritual matter. God assured me in a millisecond that He had this. That I could be still and should be still. I should be still because I trust Him. There is nothing that makes a Daddy happier than for His children to trust Him. Completely and totally trust Him.
Thank you, God, that You are trustworthy. Thank you for the gentle reminder that You are not worried about my situation...you have it under control. All I have to do is be still and know that you are God.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Our Journey (Entry 23)
I've probably put more thought into how to start this post than any other post I've written thus far. Still, even as I write this, I'm not sure how I want to say all that I have to say. Guess I'll just jump right in. Friday, Jeff was scheduled for his follow-up scan, however on Wednesday he began feeling poorly. When we arrived for the scan on Friday they sent us straight to the ER. After a battery of tests, the conclusion was that he had fluid on the lungs and some around his heart and then the part we didn't want to hear...the cancer is back. After meeting with our doctors and having our options laid out before us, Jeff decided that he will try to do the chemotheraphy again. This time the regimen will look a little different. He will not do radiation. He will only have one kind of chemo, not two. Our hope is to begin the chemo treatments tomorrow.
This is not what we were hoping for...however, our faith is still in a God who heals. We have a peace that He is in control. We will be assertive, doing what is within our power to do (following Dr.s orders, changing diet and researching other wellness measures). We are thankful for medicine and technology that allows cancer patients to live longer, fuller lives...still, we understand that we serve the great Physician. We are trusting Him for healing, for the miraculous.
In times like this, I run to the only place I know to go...to my God. I am so thankful for his Word that ministers to me on so many levels. I am thankful for the body of Christ that continues to lift us up in prayer and gives us amazing support. I am thankful for music that God has always used to minister to my soul. We are blessed.
There are many questions we have that we don't have the answers to. Many tears have been shed already...I'm sure there are more to come. We don't know what the future holds. We are hoping for the best...but honestly, the best the medical profession has to offer us falls short of what we need. What we need is a miracle. An honest to goodness touch from the Savior. We can relate to the woman with the issue of blood who knew that if she could just touch the hem of His garment, she would be made whole. We know that anything short of His touch will be less than what we need. We are desperate for a miracle. We have friends and family all over the world who are praying for us. We ask that you believe with us for that. Believe that God will heal. Believe that God will sustain. Believe that God will use this situation to bring more people to Him. Our heart's cry is that God would be glorified in everything we do...we want the way we respond to this crisis to glorify Him as well.
PRAY! Please don't give up! We will not give up! Our spirit's are steadfast in the Lord. Our hope is in Him. Join us in this fight...no one fights alone...and if God is for me, who can be against me! In every part of this journey join us in saying, to God be the glory, great things He has done! Expect a miracle!
This is not what we were hoping for...however, our faith is still in a God who heals. We have a peace that He is in control. We will be assertive, doing what is within our power to do (following Dr.s orders, changing diet and researching other wellness measures). We are thankful for medicine and technology that allows cancer patients to live longer, fuller lives...still, we understand that we serve the great Physician. We are trusting Him for healing, for the miraculous.
In times like this, I run to the only place I know to go...to my God. I am so thankful for his Word that ministers to me on so many levels. I am thankful for the body of Christ that continues to lift us up in prayer and gives us amazing support. I am thankful for music that God has always used to minister to my soul. We are blessed.
There are many questions we have that we don't have the answers to. Many tears have been shed already...I'm sure there are more to come. We don't know what the future holds. We are hoping for the best...but honestly, the best the medical profession has to offer us falls short of what we need. What we need is a miracle. An honest to goodness touch from the Savior. We can relate to the woman with the issue of blood who knew that if she could just touch the hem of His garment, she would be made whole. We know that anything short of His touch will be less than what we need. We are desperate for a miracle. We have friends and family all over the world who are praying for us. We ask that you believe with us for that. Believe that God will heal. Believe that God will sustain. Believe that God will use this situation to bring more people to Him. Our heart's cry is that God would be glorified in everything we do...we want the way we respond to this crisis to glorify Him as well.
PRAY! Please don't give up! We will not give up! Our spirit's are steadfast in the Lord. Our hope is in Him. Join us in this fight...no one fights alone...and if God is for me, who can be against me! In every part of this journey join us in saying, to God be the glory, great things He has done! Expect a miracle!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Our Journey (Post #22)
May 28, 2013
The day is growing near for Jeff's follow-up scan. This time, all the pre-authorization's are in place and we are ready. Please be in prayer for us between now and Friday morning (when the scan is set to take place).
Here's where we are now...the cough that has plagued Jeff since his radiation treatment ended is still persistant. The cough was unproductive until about a week ago. The cough changed somewhat at that time and began to sound "wet"...not long after, he did begin to cough stuff up, making him feel better. His doctor prescribed antibiotics and prednisone for him...as of now, we really can't tell that it's helped. Tonight he had a pretty violent coughing spell, during which he pulled a muscle or something in his back. This made it hard for him to breathe without being in pain.
I won't pretend that all this doesn't concern us. It does. However, we trust our God. We trust that He has a plan for our lives and that He is in control. Our resolve to give Him the glory in every situation remains. So that's where we are for now. We are grateful for all the prayers and support that our friends and family have given throughout this ordeal. We truly have an amazing support system around us.
So, I'll change the subject and tell you what else is going on in our lives. I'll start with the youngest...Abbi is finishing up her 7th grade year with excellence. Today, she recieved notification that she will be inducted into the Jr. National Honor Society on Thursday night. She is active in school and church and makes sure that we have plenty to talk about at the dinner table each night! She's a beautiful young lady and we are blessed to watch her grow.
Doran is finishing up his Jr. year and excels in his studies as well. He will be inducted into NHS in the fall. He continues to be an honor student, active on the church praise teams and drama team and our resident source of useless (but interesting) facts.
Zac has recently moved back home with us. We are happy to have him here and are proud to see the man he has become. He continues to work as a night auditor at Wakulla Springs lodge and hopefully by moving home, will be able to save up enough money to return to college soon. He is thoughtful and nice to be around. And now he helps us drive home advice to his younger brother and sister...pointing out to them that we are not as stupid as they think we are! He keeps things musical around the house...often answering random questions with a song!
My photography business is going crazy good right now and God continues to open new doors of opportunity for me. I am toying with the idea of writing a book, however I have decided that God will have to open those doors...I will not be knocking them down. When the time is right, He will give me the words ... He always does.
Jeff has continued to preach throughout this whole ordeal. I feel that his sermons are stronger than ever. He struggles with the cough and it bothers him terribly, but somehow I know that God is using it. His determination to continue inspite of his ailments has been a testimony of God's faithfulness.
I've said this many times in the last few months, but I'll say it again tonight. God is faithful, God is good. He has promised not to leave us or forsake us...He has kept His promise. We can face Friday without fear because we know that He will be there with us. Keep us in prayer...I'll let you know sometime next week what the test results are.
The day is growing near for Jeff's follow-up scan. This time, all the pre-authorization's are in place and we are ready. Please be in prayer for us between now and Friday morning (when the scan is set to take place).
Here's where we are now...the cough that has plagued Jeff since his radiation treatment ended is still persistant. The cough was unproductive until about a week ago. The cough changed somewhat at that time and began to sound "wet"...not long after, he did begin to cough stuff up, making him feel better. His doctor prescribed antibiotics and prednisone for him...as of now, we really can't tell that it's helped. Tonight he had a pretty violent coughing spell, during which he pulled a muscle or something in his back. This made it hard for him to breathe without being in pain.
I won't pretend that all this doesn't concern us. It does. However, we trust our God. We trust that He has a plan for our lives and that He is in control. Our resolve to give Him the glory in every situation remains. So that's where we are for now. We are grateful for all the prayers and support that our friends and family have given throughout this ordeal. We truly have an amazing support system around us.
So, I'll change the subject and tell you what else is going on in our lives. I'll start with the youngest...Abbi is finishing up her 7th grade year with excellence. Today, she recieved notification that she will be inducted into the Jr. National Honor Society on Thursday night. She is active in school and church and makes sure that we have plenty to talk about at the dinner table each night! She's a beautiful young lady and we are blessed to watch her grow.
Doran is finishing up his Jr. year and excels in his studies as well. He will be inducted into NHS in the fall. He continues to be an honor student, active on the church praise teams and drama team and our resident source of useless (but interesting) facts.
Zac has recently moved back home with us. We are happy to have him here and are proud to see the man he has become. He continues to work as a night auditor at Wakulla Springs lodge and hopefully by moving home, will be able to save up enough money to return to college soon. He is thoughtful and nice to be around. And now he helps us drive home advice to his younger brother and sister...pointing out to them that we are not as stupid as they think we are! He keeps things musical around the house...often answering random questions with a song!
My photography business is going crazy good right now and God continues to open new doors of opportunity for me. I am toying with the idea of writing a book, however I have decided that God will have to open those doors...I will not be knocking them down. When the time is right, He will give me the words ... He always does.
Jeff has continued to preach throughout this whole ordeal. I feel that his sermons are stronger than ever. He struggles with the cough and it bothers him terribly, but somehow I know that God is using it. His determination to continue inspite of his ailments has been a testimony of God's faithfulness.
I've said this many times in the last few months, but I'll say it again tonight. God is faithful, God is good. He has promised not to leave us or forsake us...He has kept His promise. We can face Friday without fear because we know that He will be there with us. Keep us in prayer...I'll let you know sometime next week what the test results are.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Our Journey (Entry #21)
April 29, 2013
It's been more than a month since my last post. I've had much to say but unfortunately, I've let a busy schedule keep me from posting. Tonight I am burning the midnight oil...not by choice. I'm nursing a bum shoulder (I've self-diagnosed it to be some kind of rotator cuff issue...hoping I'm wrong and it's just a pulled muscle.) Anyway, the shoulder is keeping me from finding a comfortable resting position, so I am up and I figured this would be a good time to post.
Later this week, Jeff will go back in for a follow-up scan to see is the cancer is still shrinking. We are praying for it to be gone, proving the Dr's wrong as we were told that it is scientifically impossible for this cancer to be gone 100%. They don't know our God! I'm asking everyone to join us in prayer this week for complete healing.
I'm finding my spirit agitated tonight...perhaps even a little irrated. I'm asking God to help me with these feelings...giving them to Him as I've done so many times before. This morning, in Jeff's message, he talked about the faith of a child. The way a child trusts his father to catch him, the way he trusts that his needs will be met. I've been meditating all day on that one little juicy morsel and realizing that God wants me to trust Him just that completely. To be able to say to Him, "We are facing things that are unknown and scarey, but we KNOW that we need not worry...You are there." I've found that saying it and doing it are two different things. I say it often, I even believe it...but doing it...well that's a horse of a different color.
Why is that, I wonder? Why don't I just close my eyes and leap into His arms? He has never failed me and I know that He is there. Still, I find myself perplexed by the time that I spend worrying about things that I cannot control. Uggggh!
I've made up my mind though...I want to do more than just say I trust Him...I'm putting my faith into action. I trust Him with my feelings. Afterall, He knows that I struggle with feelings of rejection and fear...only He can take those feelings and turn them into wholeness. I trust Him with my health...whether it's my struggle with asthma or a bum shoulder or my husband's cancer, He can handle every issue. I trust Him with my family. He loves them even more than I do...how can I not trust Him? I trust Him with my future, He holds it in His hands.
I'm not there yet...everyday, I'm learning to trust Him more. I'm quite sure that tomorrow I will find myself giving my anxiety to Him again...and the next day...and the next. Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know, thus saith the Lord. Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. How I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust Him more.
That's my prayer tonight...Oh for grace to trust Him more! To trust Him like a child trusts her Daddy. Help me trust You, Abba Father!
It's been more than a month since my last post. I've had much to say but unfortunately, I've let a busy schedule keep me from posting. Tonight I am burning the midnight oil...not by choice. I'm nursing a bum shoulder (I've self-diagnosed it to be some kind of rotator cuff issue...hoping I'm wrong and it's just a pulled muscle.) Anyway, the shoulder is keeping me from finding a comfortable resting position, so I am up and I figured this would be a good time to post.
Later this week, Jeff will go back in for a follow-up scan to see is the cancer is still shrinking. We are praying for it to be gone, proving the Dr's wrong as we were told that it is scientifically impossible for this cancer to be gone 100%. They don't know our God! I'm asking everyone to join us in prayer this week for complete healing.
I'm finding my spirit agitated tonight...perhaps even a little irrated. I'm asking God to help me with these feelings...giving them to Him as I've done so many times before. This morning, in Jeff's message, he talked about the faith of a child. The way a child trusts his father to catch him, the way he trusts that his needs will be met. I've been meditating all day on that one little juicy morsel and realizing that God wants me to trust Him just that completely. To be able to say to Him, "We are facing things that are unknown and scarey, but we KNOW that we need not worry...You are there." I've found that saying it and doing it are two different things. I say it often, I even believe it...but doing it...well that's a horse of a different color.
Why is that, I wonder? Why don't I just close my eyes and leap into His arms? He has never failed me and I know that He is there. Still, I find myself perplexed by the time that I spend worrying about things that I cannot control. Uggggh!
I've made up my mind though...I want to do more than just say I trust Him...I'm putting my faith into action. I trust Him with my feelings. Afterall, He knows that I struggle with feelings of rejection and fear...only He can take those feelings and turn them into wholeness. I trust Him with my health...whether it's my struggle with asthma or a bum shoulder or my husband's cancer, He can handle every issue. I trust Him with my family. He loves them even more than I do...how can I not trust Him? I trust Him with my future, He holds it in His hands.
I'm not there yet...everyday, I'm learning to trust Him more. I'm quite sure that tomorrow I will find myself giving my anxiety to Him again...and the next day...and the next. Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know, thus saith the Lord. Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him. How I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust Him more.
That's my prayer tonight...Oh for grace to trust Him more! To trust Him like a child trusts her Daddy. Help me trust You, Abba Father!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Our Journey (Entry #20)
March 3, 2013
I had planned to post tonight, asking our friends to join us prayer for tomorrow's scan. However, Friday at 5:00, we received a call notifying us that we did not have authorization for this scan and it would have to be postponed until such authorization could be obtained. Once again, my very plan oriented husband, was not a happy camper. But I'm happy to say, I watched him school his emotions right in front of me...and just like that, he put the situation in God's hands.
I too, found myself very frustrated with the whole mess, but we trust God and know that every detail is in his hands. Granted, waiting the last 2 months has not been easy. (I almost think it's easier when you are doing treatment...at least then you are "doing" something.) But when that call came on Friday, I realized something very important. Jeff and I both have grown through this whole ordeal. We did not respond the same way we would have 6 months ago. We have learned to trust God.
We will have to wait until tomorrow to see when the scan can be done. As of now, we have a Dr.'s appointment scheduled for Thursday. That may have to change too, but we will not worry about that. Whenever the scan does take place, we are praying that we will see proof of Jeff's healing.
We ask you to join us in these ways: 1)Pray that approval for the scan comes through tomorrow with no hassel. 2) Pray that the scan shows that the cancer is gone. 3) Pray that Jeff's cough goes away and his strength returns and 4) pray that God continues to be glorified in this struggle.
We are confident that God is healing or has healed Jeff. Still, we have moments of fear when it seems that perhaps the enemy is gaining ground. It's in these moments that I remember the father in Mark 9:24, when he exclaimed, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief." God doesn' t just want my brave face...He wants me to admit when I not so brave and let Him help me with my struggle. God understands that we are anxious about this test...even as I admit that, He stands ready to strengthen my belief and help me overcome my unbelief. We are in His hands. We trust Him. We will willingly wait for His perfect timing. Lord, teach us how to wait on You!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Our Journey Entry #19
February 21, 2013
I feel compelled to share this post on behalf of all the loving caretakers out there who take such good care of their loved ones and who sometimes do so without the benefit of a medical degree. That being said, I think I almost killed my husband last night! Ok, not really, but if you ask him I did!
It all started about a week ago. One night as I was getting Jeff's evening medication ready for him (something I do every night without fail), I noticed that his folic acid was nearly out. I poured the remaining pills into my hand to count them so I would know how many days I had left before I had to get the prescription refilled. As the pills spilled into my hand, I noticed that there where eight of them. However, they weren't all the same. They were all the same size and shape but six of them were a pale yellow and two were white. Strange, I thought, but since they were the same size I thought that maybe they just came in different colors. I have a friend who is a pharmacist and I thought I'd take them in and let him see. Problem is, I couldn't seem to remember to do that.
So fast forward to last night...you guessed it, I was down to the two white "folic acid" pills. So I prepared the evening medicine and fixed him a nice cool glass of water. He was a good patient and downed the pills, then off to bed we went.
Now, he hasn't been sleeping very well, so as we laid down last night, I prayed over him. That's something I do often, but last night I prayed that he would sleep well and begin to regain his strength. When we woke this morning and he told me that he had indeed slept well. I was so pleased! When he moved to the recliner and fell into a deep slumber again, I thought, "Wow, he really needed his rest!".
I left to go for a walk with my friend, after which I stopped by the pharmacy to get his prescription refilled. My friend (the pharmacist) happened to be in, so I told him about the strange two white pills. He asked me if the markings were the same on the pills...well, I didn't think to look for that!
I returned home to find Jeff still sleeping! What a great prayer life I must have! While it was still fresh on my mind, I wanted to check that pill. So I grabbed the bottle and dropped out the last pill. I promptly called my friend and relayed the information to him. Funny thing...you may have figured it out by now, but it seems that wasn't folic acid that I gave him last night! You see, somehow, somewhere down the road, I accidentally mixed up two of his phenergan pills in his bottle of folic acid. So what I actually had given him was phenergan...which effectively knocks him out! (But hey, at least he wasn't nauseated!)
As humerous as this is right now, my husband was not laughing when I confessed my mistake to him! He did, however, sleep the rest of the day away! Tonight, I have a new resolve to be more careful as I tend to him...and he has a new resolve to question EVERYTHING I give him! I'm so glad that God graciously gives us laughter amidst the hardest struggles of our lives.
We are now just a short couple of weeks away from his rescan. Though I have had moments when the enemy has tried to make me doubt, the peace that God has given me is still strongfast. I believe that he is healed. We will continue to do everything the doctors tell us to do and we will continue to believe. And I will continue to administer care...and he will continue to forgive my shortcomings! And together, we will continue to laugh...A cheerful heart is good medicine...Proverbs 17:22
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Our Journey (Post #18)
February 7th, 2013
Something has changed. No, we haven't seen the doctor again and wont be re-scanned until March 4th, but I'm telling you, something has changed. We believe that Jeff is healed!! We will continue to do everything the doctors tell us to do until we get that clean bill of health but he is healed!
When this whole thing started, God told Jeff not to worry, just to do what the doctors said. We must've had 30 different opinions on who we should use, what we should do...it seemed even our doctors couldn't agree. We felt frustrated and helpless, but God quickly took control of the situation and got them on the same page.
Half way through his treatment when he wanted so badly to quit and I was pretty sure that he would, we saw God move again. His doctor prayed over him and gave him encouragement to fight this fight. And I have to say, he has fought this fight with a strength that I don't think either of us knew he had. We also understand where that strength has come from!
From the very start of this whole ordeal, we have known that this journey was not just about us and some dreaded disease. It was about a God who loves us and has proven that He is faithful and will not leave us. It was about others who will face this same trial and need a road map of how to make it through. It was about a family that needed to learn to love each other again and not take one second for granted. It was about an indescribable hope that rises out of a struggle when we put our trust in Him. I have no doubt that God has used this experience and will continue to use it to encourage others and bring hope in a hopeless situation.
Anyone who knows Jeff for 5 minutes knows that his sense of humor in incredibly sarcastic in nature. So don't be offended when I say that in the beginning he "milked" this whole cancer thing big time! Mainly with me (to get special favors...like, "Honey can you bring me a drink..I have cancer")...oh yes he did! But also to rib lifelong friends who called or came to visit! He'd say, "they think I'm dying and I'm gonna loose my hair so they just had to come see!" Thank God our friends understand his humor! (Well, most of the time!) Anyway, that all changed last week. He stopped saying I have cancer...and changed it to I "had" cancer! If you know Jeff McFalls then you know that is huge!!! He does not EVER say things just to get your hopes up...EVER!
Shortly after his last treatment my sister, Christie, called to tell me that in her prayer time she felt like God was telling her to stop praying for his healing and start praising Him for it. I didn't tell Jeff because I thought he'd probably roll his eyes...I'm just being honest! (This man will tell you he is a skeptic!) Later that same week, I was praying and I felt God tell me the same thing...He is healed...start praising for it! Well Sunday, Jeff basically told our congregation the same thing (not in so many words but it was the same thing). He talked about the man at the pool of Bethesda and how Jesus told him to take up his mat and walk. Why take up his mat???? Well, because he would not be coming this way again! He would have no need to! I believe that is exactly what He is saying to Jeff...take up your mat and walk...you're not coming this way again!
There was a purpose for us passing this way on the journey...perhaps there where many purposes. But God never intended for us to stop here...for this to be our final destination. There is still much work to be done. This journey has added tools to our spiritual tool belt that we couldn't have acquired any other way. But we believe those tools are meant for a greater purpose than just fighting this battle...and we are ready to put them to work! Please continue to pray with us for good results on March 4th...but more than that, rejoice with us that the God we serve is the God who heals! To God be the Glory!! Great things He has done!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Our Journey #17
January 22, 2013
Today was a milestone in our journey. Jeff had his last chemo treatment. Our doctor seemed very pleased with his progress. He listened to his lungs and noted that they sound wonderful. He told Jeff that he wants him back on the golf course, playing as much as possible, as soon as possible. Music to my husband's ears (and honestly, it was quite melodious to me as well). But as this day came to an end, I realized that this is where faith must really kick in.
Up til now, we have been actively doing everything we know to do to beat this monster called cancer. We've done radiation, chemo, dietary changes, vitamin supplements, and even Xango juice. I've researched until I feel that I could apply for med school...well, maybe for something in the medical field!!
But now, we must wait. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers said it best...the waiting is the hardest part (and yes, I had to Google to see who sang it...Jeff is already in bed and my friend Katie, who would be my other "phone-a-friend" for music trivia has moved off to Chicago!) Seriously, I suspect that this is the part that the majority of cancer patients struggle with the most. Waiting to see if the treatment worked.
Well, today, God has given me several confirmations that I can trust Him...He's got this. As our world watched the debacle of an inauguration, I was once again reminded that God is in control. Even though there were outright attempts made to leave Him out of today's celebration, I am reminded that He is sovereign and that He is still God even when governments turn away from Him. Man cannot control Him. And Satan and all His schemes is not even close to being a match for Him. I know it may sound strange that I would find any encouragement in today's events...but I did. I believe I was encouraged because it reminded me that God's word is true. In John16:33 Jesus says “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." Whether it is political unrest or cancer or financial collapse...that is a promise that I can cling to!!
God gave me another scripture today..But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31. As I read that, I knew that God was preparing me for the wait. It's time to wait on Him...to trust Him...to HOPE in Him (as the NIV says). And as we do, He will renew our strength...I believe He is healing every cell in Jeff's body. It says that we will mount up with wings like eagles. Eagles soar...have you ever watched one in flight? They soar high...up above the worries and concerns of earth. And eagles have large, strong wings...I believe that what He has for us is unbelievably majestic and graceful...like the wings of an eagle. They shall run and not be weary...reminds me that we are in a race and that the prize that awaits us is worth every step...let us not grow weary! Dr. Bandheri told Jeff today...I'd like to see you running that golf course...I believe it's possible! They shall walk and not faint...many times, in this walk, we have felt like we would faint. Yet, even when it seemed we couldn't take another step, we could feel His gentle encouragement and His promise that He wouldn't let us faint. Sometimes, it came through a God sent doctor, who placed his hand on his patient and prayed to a God who could do what man was incapable of doing. Sometimes, it came through a meal, or a card, or a gift, or a phone call, or a note written by a sweet little girl. But the encouragement always came...and the fainting never did.
So now the waiting begins...I won't promise that I won't worry from time to time. I'm sure it will get me at times. Cancer patients have a term they use for the time leading up to the rescans...they call it scanxiety. Well, all I can says is that when I feel it, I plan to give it to God. He says, "Cast all your cares on me..." That's an offer I plan to take Him up on.
Please keep us in your prayers over the next few weeks. I will continue to post...I'm not out of words yet!!! (Ha! Just when you thought it was safe!!!) Believe with us for this miracle. We serve a wonderful, mighty God...nothing is impossible for Him. Teach me, Lord...Teach me, Lord, to wait.
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