Finding Gratitude...

Growing up, I remember my mom always telling us that if we looked hard enough we could always find something to be thankful for.   I remember watching her as she worked hard and raised the five of us as a single mom...but she was always thankful.   Life didn't turn out the way she planned it or the way she wanted...but she was thankful.  It spoke volumes to people around her.   It spoke volumes to her family.   It spoke volumes to a young, impressionable girl who would someday need to put that kind of thought process into action.

I will not kid you, the last two years have been some of the most painful days I've ever walked.   Finding out that your love has terminal cancer is heart-breaking, scary and overwhelming to say the least.    Walking through cancer treatments, both chemo and radiation, is so hard as you watch your loved one slip away.   And there is nothing you can do.   Nothing to make them better.   Nothing to take away the pain.   You feel helpless and at times hopeless.

When the day comes and the doctor tells you that they have done all they can do, you just want to run away and hide.   Feelings of thankfulness are not oozing from your being.   We were told that Jeff had two, may three weeks to live.   As gentle and caring as our doctor was, I couldn't bring myself to thank him.  I didn't want to hear what he was saying.

Over the next few days, Jeff prepared me for what was to come.    He called our banker, our insurance agent, the funeral home and even someone about the burial plot.   He spent precious hours just talking to me.   Reminiscing and talking about my future.   A future that wouldn't include him.

We didn't get our two to three weeks.  We had nine days.   Nine days from the time we learned that the treatments were not working anymore until he left us for heaven.    How do you pack a lifetime into nine days?   I will tell you, I struggled to find something to be thankful for during that time.   I was angry...the doc had said two to three weeks...we should've still had time.  Nine days.  216 hours to say "I love you".   Not enough time.

On Thursday evening (before Jeff had the first mini-stroke on Friday), we were laying in bed.   Laying in the bed had become very painful for him as the cancer had moved to the bones and finding a comfortable position was no longer possible.   He turned to me and just said, "Come here".   He just wanted to hold me.   So for about 20 minutes, we just laid there, embracing, saying goodbye without using words...only tears.   Then the pain became unbearable and he had to return to his chair for the remainder of the evening.   At the moment, I could see nothing to be thankful for.   I was having to say goodbye to my love.   I was not feeling thankful at all.

It was not until recent days that I have been able to be thankful.   Can I be honest and tell you that I've had to dig for it?   It didn't come quickly or without tears being shed.   See, I've learned to be thankful for cancer.   I know, that sounds crazy and many will never understand it.   Somedays, I am not sure I understand it myself.   But the reality of it all is that cancer gave us time to say goodbye.   God could have taken him home in an instant with the pulmonary embolism that started all this.   We never would've known what hit him.   There would have been no time for goodbye.   Instead, He gave us eighteen months.    And if that weren't enough, He gave us a 9 day warning.    Jeff McFalls left this world knowing that his family loved him and having made sure that we knew he loved us, too.

Last night a tragedy struck one of my friends as her husband was quickly ushered to heaven.   No time for lengthy goodbyes.   As my heart breaks for her and I know that she is crushed, I found myself thankful for the time we had.   My friend will now have to walk this awful road of grief, but I know that with God's help, in time, she will find things to be thankful for.    It won't be the same things I am thankful for.  Our situations are not the same.   But we serve the same God and we look to Him for healing and restoration.   In time...all in good time.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, (from the Living Translation), "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."    It doesn't come easy all the time.  Sometimes we must dig deep to find it.   But finding gratitude is God's will for my life.   Lord, help me to have a heart of gratitude.   One that seeks after You and reflects your image.

Six months

It's been six months since you left this world and made heaven your home.   I miss everything about you.   Somedays, it just doesn't feel real...then others, it's so real I can't breathe.   I know that you are beyond happy there.   It makes staying here very hard for me.  You know I never did like to let you take trips without me!

Yesterday, the reality of your absence was so heavy.   I went to church like usual, but during the pre-service prayer time, I was suddenly overwhelmed with grief.   I looked at the stage and could see you standing there, with your feet hanging over the edge...scaring me like you always did.   I heard your laugh and caught that little wink that was meant just for me.   Then the tears began to fall.   Those days are gone.  

Zac is settled at inCharacter now...you would be so proud of him.   He is excited about the plan God has for him.   Our prayers have been answered...our prodigal has returned.   Doran drove to Tampa for the first time this weekend...I was a nervous wreck!   Remember the first time Zac drove in heavy traffic and how terrified we were?   Yeh, didn't get any better with the second one!   Oh, and speaking of our kids driving...Abbi will be 15 next month and getting her permit.  I thought the deal was that you would teach her to drive!!!   Lord, help me with this one!   We drove around the church parking lot about 900 times the other day (at a top speed of 5 mph), so she could get familiar with how a car works.   You would have smiled...by about the 10th lap she was singing and telling me how to drive!  You owe me!

Our new pastors are settling in...you would love them.    Sometimes he reminds me of you.   He tells it like it is, in love.   You would be pleased.   The new nursery wing is almost complete.   It's going to be beautiful.   Things are changing around Medart Assembly (just as you would've wanted) but your presence still remains on many levels.  

I am working on my credentials.   Hopefully, I will be a credentialed minister with the Assemblies of God within the next month or so.   I looked at your mantel again the other day...soon I will have one of my own, I only wish you could place it on my shoulders.   And there are so many questions I want to ask you about this process.    I'm having to dig for it but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.   I wish I had your brain!

I am broken, but I am not destroyed.   I have found that I can lay at the feet of Jesus and find hope and restoration there.   He is healing my heart and preparing me for the future.   A future that is even more amazing than I can imagine.    As I wept during prayer yesterday, I "laid at his feet" on your old chair and knew that not one tear was in vain...Jesus kept them all.  As I laid there and just listened to Him...His words were a soothing balm for me soul.   Peace, be still.

Thank you, for all the years that you loved me.   For the way you prepared me to face this world without you.   You taught me how to be real, how to live for Jesus everyday.    You taught me how to minister and how to study God's word.   You taught me that I could trust Him and that nothing I face is too difficult for God.   Six months seems like years.   I wish you didn't have to go, but I trust God and I look forward to our reunion in Heaven.   I love you, Jeff McFalls.    Happy Six Months in Heaven!

Treasures

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever look at the calendar and not associate dates with memories of Jeff McFalls.   As we approach the six month mark since he's been gone, I find myself more and more emotional.   Tonight, I stood on stage and looked at the place where my husband preached his last message.   It was six months ago tonight.  We didn't know that he would be in heaven before the week was out.  It feels like he's been gone much longer, yet the pain of his absence is still so fresh that it reminds me that it hasn't been very long at all.

It just seems like every time I see a blasted calendar, it brings back memories of another time...a time where he still was here and my life was complete.   Now there is a void...one that only God can fill.

I've been listening to his sermons this week and it makes me miss him, yet comforts me at the same time.   I'm grateful for a plethora of sermons and recordings that captured his voice.   I wish there was more video.   Sometimes I just go stand in our closet and hold one of his shirts.   His scent is fading, but his memory is not.  

I try to imagine what heaven must be like.   What is he doing there?  What does his new body look like?    Funny,  as much as he enjoyed eating and golf, somehow I know that those things are no longer important to him.   All that matters now is worshipping his Lord.   I think I could find him right away...he'll be at the feet of Jesus.

As I thought about that tonight, I realized that everything Earthly thing that was important to Jeff McFalls, lost it's importance when he entered heaven.   As much as he loved loud, rocking' music, the music there is far, far, far better.   He loved football and basketball and golf...but I bet he hasn't missed it once since being there.   I noticed yesterday that ESPN hasn't been on in our home since he left.  (That may change with football season coming!)  It makes me think...what do I treasure here?   What do I invest my time, energy and money into?   My most valuable possessions will one day become worthless to me.   Only what I have stored up in heaven will be important.

Jeff made regular deposits into heaven's economy before leaving this world.   When I think of all the people he told of Jesus, all those who he helped send a missionary to, all those who he loved on while he was here,  I know that he is reaping the blessings now.  

I want to do the same.   I want to invest in God's economy.  With my time, talent, words and deeds, I want to touch people and tell them about Jesus.   I want to win as many as possible to him.   When I look at the happenings around the world, I have to think time is short.   When I look at the calendar, I know that it is very possible that by the time this  calendar expires, we could be with Jesus.   I want to make the most of every day...live life to the fullest until He comes again or takes me home.   Matthew 6:21 says that where my treasure is, there my heart will be also.   If that is the case, my heart is already there.