Our Journey Post 29

July 15, 2013
We knew this day might come.  The day when the chemo has taken it toll and Jeff's hair would let go.  Actually, it started happening several days ago and I prayed that God would give us a few days to come to grips with the changes before we had to shave his head.   God is good.   He gave us a week to deal with the emotions that inevitably come with hair loss.

As long as I have known Jeff, his hair has been part of his personality.   I met him in college (a Christian college with a dress code that included hair length, mind you).   He came stolling across campus in a denim duster coat, long hair (that has since been dubbed a "mullet", but at the time was very cool!), and sun glasses.   Everyone on campus seemed to know him...they might not know his name but they knew his hair!  Spiked on top and long in the back.  He even had the Dean (Balzano) paying for his haircuts at one point and managed to get an invitation to do the devotion in chapel in exchange for one of his trims!

The first time I took him home to meet my mom, we stopped before we got to the house and took his pony tail out.  I wasn't sure my little country bumpkin mama could handle all that hair, but I loved it!  She was so funny...she pulled me to the back room and asked, "Did you know that his hair is longer than yours?"....Well mom, yep, I noticed!

One of my favorite pictures of him on our wedding day is him flipping his hair out of the collar of his tux.   I would watch him spike each individual hair, using more hair product than I ever dreamed.  He was in his late 20's when the first glimpses of gray started to appear and although he continued to get more and more gray, he still had more pepper than salt in the mix.

We were so happy with his first round of chemo because they told us that he wouldn't lose his hair.   But when they had to change the drug and we learned that this was a side effect...it just made me sad.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I come from a family of bald men that I dearly love.   I think they are some of the most handsome men on this Earth.   So in no way was my sadness attached to any thoughts that husband would not be as attractive to me without hair.   I knew that he would still be incredibly sexy to me with or without hair.   No, my sadness instead was instead because I knew how much he loved his hair.   In the 80's it was his statement.   In the 90's it helped him
relate to the kids he pastored.   In the new millinium it has set him apart as a different kind of pastor...not one that you could just look at and say, "Hey, I bet he's a preacher."    He wanted folks to hear what he had to say and many times, believe it or not, his hair acted as an ice breaker to let him share the love of Christ with folks who had long given up on church.   I was sad for him...not for me.    So last night, as I put that blasted razor to his head, I had no choice but to give my sadness to the Lord.  

I know it may seem silly to many of you, but this step was a hard one for me.  It was hard to be the one to shave his head.    Then again, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do it.   This morning I woke up to his beautiful bald head.    And it is quite beautiful.   It is a small price to pay.   When I think of how they plucked out the beard of my savior.    How they must have hurt Him and humiliated Him.   It's then that am able to pull myself out of this pity party.    Because He endured the worst, we are able to survive the bad.

So yes, this is not what I had planned for our lives.    But this is a "light and momentary" affliction.   Christ was beaten and whipped for us.   He was nailed to a cross, naked and alone...for us.   We can face Cancer without fear, because Christ took stripes for our healing.    We continue to pray and ask for divine healing.   If He chooses to send it through a chemo drug that causes hair loss...I will not complain.    I will not look at his bald head with disdain...but rather with a love I cannot explain.   I am so in love with this man and as I look at him napping now (because the chemo just drains his energy), I am overwhelmed by how much I love his new look.   Whether it is a permanent change or just a temporary look, I will enjoy it.   Every single moment.

Hey, at least I don't have to worry about him using up all the hot water anymore to get his hair washed!!