When the answer is no...

Sometimes, when I blog, it is comforting to me.   It helps me to get it out...to express my feelings and to heal.   But sometimes, it is just downright painful.   I suppose that it is still healing but it hurts  terribly and I have to make myself do what I promised Jeff I would do...keep telling the story.    I'm already sensing that this blog will fall into the latter category.

Today is Independence Day...well, for at least 2 more minutes anyway...I put this off all day.   In the past, we've always shared this day with friends, watching fireworks, eating together and just enjoying each other's company.   Today, it didn't happen like that.   No, today I went to Jeff's grave.   Even though I know he is not there, the overwhelming urge to just lay down on his grave was nearly more than I could stand.   I wanted to just curl up in a ball and spend the day talking to him.   Only by the grace of God was I able to walk away and regain my composure.   I miss him more than I can say.   I just want to hear his voice and feel his arms around me again.  

I am thankful for friends who have been so good to me throughout all this.   Friends who are real enough to ask the hard questions.  Friends who don't just say they are praying, I can trust that they really are.   And they put legs on their prayers.   On more than one occasion this week, I have had friends who genuinely showed their love and concern for me as they have inquired about how I am handling my grief, my financial status, my dreams for the future and how my kids are doing.   So here I am, surrounded by wonderful people who are precious friends, yet tonight I feel so lonely.    Tonight I am keenly aware that everything has completely changed.

My heart is broken tonight but still I know that I do not grieve as those who have no hope.  Do I hurt?    So much that it is hard to catch my breath.   But I am not hopeless.   I trust a God who gives me hope even when I cannot see what I am hoping for.   It does not make sense...how can my heart hurt so deeply, yet hope so deeply at the same time?    Second Corinthians 1:5 says, "For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."   I guess that sums up what I am feeling...great suffering mixed with great comfort that can only come through Christ.  

All week long I have been meditating on a couple of verses.   One is the verse that I just quoted.  The other is Jeremiah 33:3, "Call to me and  I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."   I was really struggling with the first part of this scripture.   See, I called on God to heal my husband.    I did everything I knew to do to get God's attention and call out for a miracle.   So when I read "Call to me and I will answer you...", it was a hard thing for me to swallow.   I DID call...so why didn't God answer?   Why didn't he heal Jeff?   It would've only taken a touch and I know that cancer would've been obliterated.     So this week, I've argued a little (ok, a lot) with God about this verse.  Here is the outcome...  I have realized that just because God didn't give me what I wanted doesn't mean that He didn't answer me.   This time He said, "No".   We don't like that and we certainly don't like to talk about it but the fact is, sometimes God says, "No".     I found this really offensive until God pointed out some things to me.   One, I hate to be around kids who have parents that never say, "No".   They turn out to be brats and make life miserable for all those around them that have to endure!   Two, because I dislike that kind of parenting model, I have no problem telling  my children, "No".    It doesn't mean that I love them less or that I am trying to be mean.   In fact the opposite is more true...it is because I love them so much and I see a bigger picture than they do.    The Bible refers to God as being a good father...and a good father will say, "No" sometimes.   I called out to God and He did answer me...and his answer was no.

So then comes the rest of that verse...and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.   I believe that is where my hope is coming from tonight.   The calm reassurance that God is in the process of revealing to me great and unsearchable things...things I cannot fathom.   He is telling me things so great that it never even occurred to me that I could hope for them.   He is planting dreams in my heart that I never could've even hoped for a year ago.   Today, I walked around and around Jeff's grave...talking to him about all the things that I believe God is speaking to me...things about my future, things about my ministry, things that are great and unsearchable, things that I never knew could be part of God's will for me.    Honestly, some of those things would never have materialized if Jeff had been healed.   This kind of suffering was necessary in order for me to be available for the next calling God has on my life.   Does it make the suffering easier ?   Well, no, not really.   But it does reassure me that God will use it to develop me and make me ready for call He has placed on my life.

Though I feel alone, I know that I am not.   Though my heart is shattered, I trust that the incredibly creative God that serve can take the pieces and make something even more beautiful.   Though it feels that everything has changed and nothing will ever be the same again, I know that God has a plan for me...plans that are even greater than my hopes and dreams.   Lord, give me courage to do whatever you call me to.   Remind me that I can call to you, and you not only hear me, you answer.