One year. 365 days. This has been the longest one of my life. In some respects, it flew by...but not when it came to missing Jeff. One year has seemed more like ten. So much has changed. Zac is now in InCharacter and pursuing his life calling. Doran has graduated from high school and is now in college. Abbi is now in high school and learning to drive. And I have remarried an amazing man. This month, if all goes well, we will close the sale of the house that we spent the last 15 years in. A bittersweet moment, I'm sure. Many days, I look at my life and ask, "How did I get here?". By God's divine hand, that's how. There is no other explanation for where I am today.
I remember saying to myself about this time last year, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...blessed be the name of the Lord." I had know idea, at the time, what God had in store for me. I was scared but still determined to glorify God. I knew even then that God had not abandoned me and that somehow He would see me through.
I couldn't have dreamed how He would bless me, nor that He would do it so quickly. When Jeff McFalls drew his last breath at 8 pm one year ago, my heart broke. It was shattered in a way that I was certain could never be repaired. I was scared out of my wits...how would I survive without him? But then I remembered who my faith was in. It has been a hard year. Losing Jeff and all the changes that brought was very hard.
At times, I have questioned God. Yes...I have. Why would He take him? Why do others get healed when he didn't? Why did my heart have to be broken over and over? My questions didn't offend God...but He didn't have to answer them either, and He didn't.
But He didn't leave me either. Sometimes it feels like He is a million miles away...but He's not. If you are a Christ-follower, He is always by your side. He heard every prayer, wiped every tear. Not a single thought got by Him.
He has been so faithful to me and blessed me so much that at times I feel guilty for all that I've received. I've been so blessed this year to see all three of my children grow in the Lord. I wish Jeff could've seen it. He would've been so proud of them. We often talked about how much we wanted to see them all serving God and were actually jealous of others who seemed to have perfect kids. Can I just tell you that God is faithful...you can bank on His promises. He will finish His work. I've experienced it first hand.
And now God has blessed me with an amazing new husband. He is tender and attentive to me. We have both experienced great loss in the past year and we look at things much differently now. Things that used to matter, don't matter so much anymore. And the things that used to occupy our time, we now realize can wait...family is much more important. I believe that God has taught us both, and many who've watched us, that He is faithful and that if we will simply trust Him, He has a plan for us that will blow our minds.
This time last year, my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I remember going home to my bed and trying to sleep that first night. I laid down on his side, where I could smell him. I cried all night long...it would only be the first of many nights to come. The pain was great...but I trusted God to redeem the pain. And He has proven Himself faithful once again. The pain that I have experienced and the pain that Mike has experienced, has driven us to God and in His mercy He has used it to draw us together.
See, God takes broken pieces and makes a beautiful masterpiece with it. The breaking is no fun...but it is not by chance. God had a purpose for every struggle we have faced...He is redeeming the pain. It is not for loss. It is to give us an avenue to touch others and help them find their way to Him.
I am a blessed woman. I know I say that often, but I genuinely mean that. I am humbled by the volume of blessings He has bestowed on me and continues to pour out freely. I pray that as time continues to pass, God will continue to reveal new ways that He can use Mike and I to minister to others. That He will help us to love each other without reservation and demonstrate to others the mercy and the glory of God.
I am thankful to have been loved by two men...friends who in some ways were very much alike but in others, polar opposites. I am blessed...I am loved...I have a future. Someday, we will all be together again...and what a day that will be. Until then, we will love each fiercely and be about doing all that God entrusts us to do. Every day counts. Make the most of every moment.
