This past weekend, Mike and Abbi and I went on a little camping trip. Mike has a new bass boat (that he bought me for Mother's Day) and wanted to try it out so we decided to go fishing on Lake Seminole. When we arrived it was raining but not too hard, so we (Mike and I), took the boat out to break it in. Well, what good is a bass boat, if you can't do a little fishing from it? So, of course, we had to do some fishing while we were out there. It was during that rainy little fishing venture, that my sweet husband decided to post this picture of me on social media. Some of my friends giggled at the sight of me in camo, fishing in the rain. They thought they'd never see the day. They didn't know that I grew up fishing with my granddaddy. I can bait a hook...I just don't want to take any fish off the line once I catch it!
You see, when I met Jeff McFalls, I had an identity change. Not that I didn't still love the things I grew up with...just that I loved him more and began to love what he loved. I had grown up on Southern Gospel and Country music...he couldn't stand either. For him it was Rock and Roll, and the harder the better. Slowly, my taste in music changed. My interests changed. As I fell in love with him, I wanted to love what he loved. My identity changed. I became a pastor's wife. I became a mother. Everything about my life changed...I was still Libby, but I was not the same. Then, when he drew his last breath...my life changed again. I was no longer Jeff McFalls' wife. No longer a pastor's wife. No longer married to a man who loved golf. Soon, I would realize that many of my roles were changing. My identity was changing again. Not that my indenity was in being a pastor's wife...but because I loved being Jeff's wife and I loved being in the ministry, it was very hard for me to delineate where one role ended and another began. It had just become who I was.
For months I struggled with this, though I admitted it to few. I felt lost. Like my idenity had been stolen. Completely stripped of almost everything I knew me to be. I struggled to create a new identity. All the time knowing that my true identity was in Christ but having a very hard time finding my place within His Body.
And then He sent Mike into my world. That seems so weird to say, since we had been good friends for years, but without a doubt, a veil was lifted from my eyes when the time was right. Now, I find my identity is changing again. Now, I am Mike Stewart's wife. Though Mike and Jeff were great friends, and on many levels they were similar, Mike is not Jeff. He is wonderful in many different ways. He is a country boy. He loves fishing and hunting. He loves country music. He loves working in the yard and taking care of our home. And I love him. So, I love what he loves. I love to hear the excitement in his voice when we walk into Bass Pro or a Tractor Supply Store. I love that he wants to share all that with me. It's not a complete change... he is devoted to God and our church. He is a devoted father. So not everything in my life is changing...but the change is noticeable.
I no longer find my identity in a ministry, though I still consider myself a minister...just in a different way. I no longer find my identity in my children...I know that they will soon be all on their own and if my identity is wrapped up in them I will again experience great loss when they are independent. I don't even find my identity in my husband...although he has reshaped much of what makes me me. My identity, that which makes me who I am, is found in Christ. It is in Him that I find the courage to face the hardships life sends my way. It is in Him that I find the creativity that brings me such fulfillment and joy. In Him I find the freedom to experience things I've only dared to dream. And in Him, I find the ability to love a man who is the most precious gift I could have asked for. I didn't even know that I could ask for a love like this. I thought my chances for love were all gone and past tense, but God had a different plan for me. A new identity. A fresh identity. One that I didn't earn, it was given to me and I am beyond thankful for it.
Yes, I have a new name. Thanks to Mike, I have some new interests. But I will not burden him with the weight of my identity being in him. Nor would I want his identity to be in me. No, instead we will both let our indentity be in Christ. As we explore all that God has for us as a couple, God will reshape our identity. He will make us who He wants us to be.
