Our Journey Post 41 (I Have To...)

One of my favorite singers is Rita Springer.   Her music is real and always seems to be coming from my soul.   I listen to her music when I'm in my car and I'm certain that folks who are watching me think I've lost my mind as I sing along with her.

Yesterday, as I drove Jeff to the hospital for a procedure that would drain fluid from his lung again, one of her songs played in my car.   It has played in my heart ever since.

Let me just fill you in first on where we are on this journey.   Jeff has been sick with flu-like symptoms for a couple of weeks.   One of the symptoms was extreme joint pain.   After a failed attempt to get chemo last week, the doctor put him on something to help with his symptoms  and scheduled him to have thorocentesis yesterday.   This is a procedure we have had done before.  It usually takes a couple of hours and he feels better within a few minutes of having it done.

Yesterday, however, would prove to be a different matter.   We arrived at the hospital to check in at 8:00 am.   By 8:30 they had drawn his blood and told us that transport was on standby to come get him.   But instead of transport showing up, the nurse came back and told us that his INR (coumadin level) came back at 7.8.   This number is supposed to be between 2 or 3 when he is on the medication but needs to be below 2 for a surgerical procedure.   The higher the number, the thinner his blood is...thus the risk of bleeding out is increased.   I might add that Jeff had been off his meds since Thursday...he should have been well within the accepted limits.

This would start a chain reaction of events that stretched out across of 12 hour span.   He was able to get the procedure done but he remains at great risk for bleeding.   Now, let me share the lyrics of this song with you and how they have been a source of comfort for me over the last couple of days.

The title of the song is "I have to believe"...but the display on my car stereo just reads, "I have to...", and that is what is resounding in my soul.

I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name

That last part there...some would say it's a choice...I know I HAVE to!  Let's keep looking...

I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from

Wow!  That is so powerful...read it again!!!

He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I have to sing praise
When the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains
That bind up my soul
My sin and my shame
He has forgiven and made me whole

I have to believe
I have to believe
He's got everything under control
I have to believe
Lord, I believe
Help my unbelief
I have to believe in You
I have to believe

So many people have asked me how I remain positive in the midst of this struggle. They say that I amaze them because I'm so strong...but I'm not. I am so weak it is crazy. But we are in the fight of our lives and I really don't have a choice any more...you see, "I have to". God is our only hope. Throughout this whole ordeal, He has been my one constant. To not give Him glory and praise is completely unexceptable in my book. I HAVE to sing praise when the hour is midnight. Why? Because He deserves my praise. I HAVE to believe...because He's got everything under control.

My faith in God isn't optional...I HAVE TO! He is the only one who is forever faithful, forever true. I happen to believe that He can move mountains. He is where my help comes from...when my husband is in pain...when the numbers don't line up, when I don't know what tomorrow holds. I can trust Him...I HAVE TO!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HttGLvjh8_8

Our Journey Post 40 (Empowered)

I have to be honest tonight, I nearly didn't post this.   I have faced one obstacle after another all day and my frustration level is at it's peak.  However, I am just hardheaded enough that when I hit a wall, I will keep at it until I either find a way around it or tunnel my way through.   Well, here I go, full steam ahead.

This has perhaps been the most trying week of my life.   I have faced victories and devastating blows within breaths of each other.   One moment I am on the mountain top, the next I am free falling into what seems to be an abyss.

Last weekend, our church hosted its first Women's Conference.  This was a first for me and I was quite unsure about my ability to carry it out.  However, several friends encouraged me and even agreed to walk me through it.  They kept their promises and as the weekend approached, it became evident that this event would be even more successful than I ever dreamed it could be.   Enter, Mountain Top #1...as we planned for the weekend, my husband asked me what number I would count as a successful event.   Though I wanted to give him the spiritual answer of "numbers don't matter", I decided to be honest and answered instead that anything over 70 would be good in my book.   One week out from this event, over 100 ladies were pre-registered!   I was estatic!!!   As our leadership team met to finalize plans I gave them a pep-talk to "empower" them to believe that something awesome was about to take place on our campus.   Oh, if only I could've just stayed on that mountain top!!!

The next day, I recieved word from our speaker that her husband had fallen ill and they weren't sure what was wrong with him.  She wasn't backing out, but in my mind I began to see her having to soon.    At the same time, my husband began to get very ill as well.   He began to complain of severe shoulder pain and then pain in the kidney area.   Welcome to free fall.    I could just see all these women showing up for a conference and our speaker, nor the host pastor's wife would be able to attend.   What a disaster!  

I checked the online registration numbers...they were climbing like crazy.   By midweek, we were up to 150...and our speaker was stuck in Snowmagedon traffic in Atlanta!!    Jeff continued to get sicker. Let me say, I'm thankful for a Godly man who insists that ministry goes on...but it is rather unnerving when I am concerned about him and trying to do ministry at the same time.   In this case, he assured me that he was ok enough that I should proceed with my plans for the weekend, and so I did.

Friday came and our numbers jumped to over 200!!!!   Back on the mountain top!!!!  Woo Hoo!!!   Our guest speaker arrived and she insisted that I take care of hubby first.   Hubby however, insisted that I go to the conference.   We have 3 able bodied kiddos in our home so I left him in their hands with instructions that they call me if there was an issue and off I went.   God showed up at that conference (and so did 200+ women from over 30 different churches!).  I felt very "empowered" as I left that place.   God had met with us and I had learned that I can see Him even in the midst of the hardest circumstances.

I came home from the conference on Saturday and my husband was beginning to feel better.   Power meter goes up!   We had prayed for his healing and God had answered.   Sunday came and though he was weak, he made it to church for the morning service.   We had a funeral immediately following our service and he somehow made it through.   Then the most amazing thing happened...he began to really get better.   It was amazing, I watched him improve right before my eyes.   Back on the mountaintop we go!

But the free fall was just around the bend.   Tuesday evening, he went to church for a counseling appointment and while he was there, he coughed.   That single cough tweaked something in his back and now for the last 24 hours he has been in agonizing pain.   Probably the most pain I've ever seen him in.   So for 24 hours, I have called out to Jesus, begging Him to heal him.   All weekend, I proclaimed my faith and now I am grasping to find it.  

I sat in church tonight and my heart broke.   Jeff couldn't go (one of the few services he has ever missed) because of the pain.   I called out to God...Lord, I know you can heal him.   I trust You, Lord...I believe.    Right then, He let a tiny ray of hope begin to bud in my soul.  Down deep but taking root quickly.   He brought back to my memory John 14:12 which says "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father."   You may think I'm crazy, but He reminded me that He laid hands on the sick and they were healed. Because He has gone to the Father, He has now empowered me to do even greater things! I may have been in the midst of a free fall but He has set my feet on solid ground again.   I am EMPOWERED!    I do not have to passively sit by and watch.  I can actively take authority over the forces of evil that are attacking my husband.  So tonight, that is exactly what I am doing.   I am standing in the gap for him.   I am telling sickness to leave...pain to be gone, cancer to dissolve.   Please do not get me wrong, I am NOT speaking of a "name it-claim it" belief.   I do NOT believe that we can ever tell God what to do.   He is NOT my errand boy that I can command Him ever!!  However, I do believe His word...every bit of it!   His word tells me that because He has gone to the Father, I am EMPOWERED to do the works He did and EVEN GREATER!!!   Either I believe it or I don't.  I DO!!    I don't know if I will sleep tonight...maybe I will, maybe I won't.   But while I am awake, I will proclaim that Jeff is healed in Jesus' name.   I will lay hands on Him until it leaves.   I will pray over him, until it leaves.   I will not give up.   Look out world...I am fired up!   I am PASSIONATE and I am EMPOWERED!   God brought that scripture back to my memory tonight and re-inforced it with more than one confirmation.    I believe in Him,  so I believe greater things are yet to come!