Our Journey Post 41 (I Have To...)

One of my favorite singers is Rita Springer.   Her music is real and always seems to be coming from my soul.   I listen to her music when I'm in my car and I'm certain that folks who are watching me think I've lost my mind as I sing along with her.

Yesterday, as I drove Jeff to the hospital for a procedure that would drain fluid from his lung again, one of her songs played in my car.   It has played in my heart ever since.

Let me just fill you in first on where we are on this journey.   Jeff has been sick with flu-like symptoms for a couple of weeks.   One of the symptoms was extreme joint pain.   After a failed attempt to get chemo last week, the doctor put him on something to help with his symptoms  and scheduled him to have thorocentesis yesterday.   This is a procedure we have had done before.  It usually takes a couple of hours and he feels better within a few minutes of having it done.

Yesterday, however, would prove to be a different matter.   We arrived at the hospital to check in at 8:00 am.   By 8:30 they had drawn his blood and told us that transport was on standby to come get him.   But instead of transport showing up, the nurse came back and told us that his INR (coumadin level) came back at 7.8.   This number is supposed to be between 2 or 3 when he is on the medication but needs to be below 2 for a surgerical procedure.   The higher the number, the thinner his blood is...thus the risk of bleeding out is increased.   I might add that Jeff had been off his meds since Thursday...he should have been well within the accepted limits.

This would start a chain reaction of events that stretched out across of 12 hour span.   He was able to get the procedure done but he remains at great risk for bleeding.   Now, let me share the lyrics of this song with you and how they have been a source of comfort for me over the last couple of days.

The title of the song is "I have to believe"...but the display on my car stereo just reads, "I have to...", and that is what is resounding in my soul.

I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name

That last part there...some would say it's a choice...I know I HAVE to!  Let's keep looking...

I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from

Wow!  That is so powerful...read it again!!!

He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I have to sing praise
When the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains
That bind up my soul
My sin and my shame
He has forgiven and made me whole

I have to believe
I have to believe
He's got everything under control
I have to believe
Lord, I believe
Help my unbelief
I have to believe in You
I have to believe

So many people have asked me how I remain positive in the midst of this struggle. They say that I amaze them because I'm so strong...but I'm not. I am so weak it is crazy. But we are in the fight of our lives and I really don't have a choice any more...you see, "I have to". God is our only hope. Throughout this whole ordeal, He has been my one constant. To not give Him glory and praise is completely unexceptable in my book. I HAVE to sing praise when the hour is midnight. Why? Because He deserves my praise. I HAVE to believe...because He's got everything under control.

My faith in God isn't optional...I HAVE TO! He is the only one who is forever faithful, forever true. I happen to believe that He can move mountains. He is where my help comes from...when my husband is in pain...when the numbers don't line up, when I don't know what tomorrow holds. I can trust Him...I HAVE TO!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HttGLvjh8_8