Indentations

As I write this blog entry, I am approaching what would have been the 25th anniversary of the day I said "I do" and began this amazing life with Jeff.   On that hot Summer day in 1989, we stood before our friends and family and exchanged vows and rings, sealing our promise with a kiss.   Alas, we were husband and wife.   I never would have dreamed that I would approach this Silver Anniversary as a widow.   That the love of my life would move to Heaven just a few short months before our celebration.  No, on that day all I knew was that the ring he placed on my finger that day would be there for a very, very long time.  

When Jeff and I began to talk about getting married, I worked in a large jewelry store.   I looked at rings all day, inspected them and knew how to tell the good diamonds from the bad ones in a glance.   I paid very close attention to the craftsmanship of rings and was intrigued by every detail.   Jeff knew this so he went to a local jeweler (not a chain), where the owner was known for hand picking his stones and for crafting one of a kind jewelry.    His work wasn't particularly flashy or over the top, but it was detailed and no two rings that he made were the same.  

That day, as he placed the ring on my hand and I placed one on his, we promised to love each other until "death do us part".   That promise ended as he drew his last breath on March 8th of this year.    Twenty-five years and 3 days after he asked me to be his bride...5 months short of our 25th anniversary.

Many times during our marriage, I would tease him about getting me new rings.   You see, as a college student, when you decide to purchase a hand crafted, hand picked diamond...you have to choose between quality and quantity.   He chose to go with something that was crafted well and had a diamond of value rather than a larger stone of lesser quality.   I love my ring, still, I enjoyed teasing him that when our twenty-fifth anniversary came around he would need to buy me a new ring!

Anyone who knew Jeff, knew he was not one to buy frivolous gifts.   Gifts didn't mean much to him, but he understood that I enjoyed them so he honestly tried to give them.    One night as we were getting ready for bed, I took off my rings and was applying lotion to my hands.   Jeff noticed that my wedding rings had left a deep indentation on my finger and he commented on it.   "Are your hands swollen?" he asked.    When I responded that they weren't but that the rings had just left a permanent indentation on my hand, he smiled.  "Oh well, guess that means no new rings, huh?   They wouldn't fit the groove."   I promptly reassured him that my finger would adjust.

Now, with our anniversary just 24 hours away, I find myself looking at that indentation.   Perhaps my finger will adjust, but I don't think my heart will.   Jeff McFalls left an indentation on my heart that is permanent...it will always be there.  

In the months since his passing I've had good days and bad days.   I have mourned the loss of a wonderful husband and father.   I have grieved over shattered dreams and the absence of my lover.   I've had to learn new things, how to take care of my family, how to function without him.   I've made decisions about finances, faith and family.   But I have avoided the thought of exchanging the ring.

Tuesday is the day that I thought I would take off my wedding band and exchange it for a new ring.   Now, I'm just not sure.   As I took the rings off tonight to clean them, I once again saw the indentation.   It is deep, as was our love for each other.   I looked up the word indentation...I found this, a deep recess or cut, a notch or impression left by direct contact with another object.   My finger has what seems to be a permanent recess...and impression left by direct contact with the ring.   My heart has an indentation as well.   A deep recess left by direct contact with an amazing man.   It will never be the same.  

I find myself wondering if I am leaving indentations on the lives of those I come in contact with.   Am I consistent enough to leave an impression?   And what will the indentations that I leave look like?    See I can show you the indentations on my hand and you can tell exactly how those rings were on my hand.   I look at our rings and they both have indentations on them...places where the rings have come in direct contact with things that left dents and cuts on them.    The indentations are very specific.  So is the indentation on my heart, but the indentation on my heart doesn't just look like Jeff McFalls...it looks like the God he served.    Why?   Because God had already left an indentation on his heart before I ever met him.   Jeff lived his life to be like Jesus as best as he could. That was his aim, to reflect Jesus.  So it is only natural that the impression he would leave would look like Jesus.

When I leave an indentation on the lives of others, I want it to be God shaped.   I want it to be an impression that looks like the cross...not like me.   In order for that to happen, I must have direct contact with Jesus.   Anything else will end up reflecting me...and that is an indentation that is worthless.    Only what I am in Christ is worth passing on.  

My plans for now are to put a new ring on my finger on Tuesday.   Honestly, I don't know if it will happen or not...I'm not there yet.   But whether I do or don't take off this ring, I will never look at my left ring finger again that I do not think of Jeff and thank God for every moment He gave me with him.   And when I think of him, how can I not remember his first love...Jesus Christ.   Oh Lord, leave your indentation deep on my heart and let whatever mark I leave on this world look like You.