He makes all things new...

Several days of deep cleaning a house that I spent the last 15 years in and inhaling dust as I thumbed through old photo albums has taken it's toll on me and I find myself awake with a sinus attack at 1:30 am.   So what do I do?   Well, writing always makes me feel better so I retreated with my laptop to a dark corner of the living room to type out a few thoughts.

Here is what is on my heart tonight.   He makes all things new!   As I laid in bed, next to my new husband and just listened to him breathe, I thought about where I was this time last year.   I was laying in bed, next to my first husband, begging God to spare his life and thanking God for the wonderful man He had blessed me with.   Things didn't work out the way I planned.   Jeff didn't get healed on this side of heaven.   The grief that would follow was the heaviest thing I've ever carried and many times I wondered if it would crush me completely.

The months that followed Jeff's death were the darkest days of my life.   Then, when I saw the signs in my friend's eyes...I knew her time was coming, too.    It seemed that God had a vendetta for me.   First, He had taken my husband.   Now, He was taking my closest friend.    My grief compounded as her struggle came to an end.   How would I possibly get through this again?

But God had a plan.   I do not understand it.   I still cannot fully get my mind around it.   But I trust it.

God has made my life new again.   He has taken what was completely crushed and broken, and He has crafted something beautiful and valuable with it.   He has given me a new family...not one to replace the old, but one that compliments the old.   He has made the old new.

When Mike and I realized that God was putting us together as more than friends, we both were dumbfounded.   Neither of us expected anything more than friendship and for God to turn what we had into romantic love seemed impossible.   But God makes all things new.   He turned our grief and our brokeness into something beautiful and new.

Tonight, a year later, I lay in bed.   Next to my husband.   My new husband.   I placed my hand on him and began to pray over him as he slept.  I thanked God for the man he is.   God has made him new, too.   I thanked God for this man who is patient with me.   This man who fears God and loves Him.  This man who loves me, both with passion and with tender patience.   This man who loves my children and the rest of my family.  This man who is wise and good and hardworking and honest.    He has worked so hard for the past week...not because it is profitable for him...he has done it all for me.   He has sacrificed for me.   Sacrificial love.    Something I am not sure either of us were truly capable of a few years ago.   Now, we have been made new.

Our "light and temporary trials", although they seemed heavy and infinite at the time, have now been made new.   God has turned those struggles into something that only He could envision.   And He isn't finished.   That's the amazing part.   He is still making us new.    He is still unfolding an amazing plan that we couldn't handle if He showed it to us all at once.

I don't know what you are going through.   But no matter how dark or heavy it seems, remember that God will make it new.   It won't be the way you expect.   No, His plan if far better than what you can imagine.   Just hold on.   I promise, God will make all things new.   And when He does, you, like me, will be speechless...in awe of His wonder.   You can trust Him...He is trustworthy and true!

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”   Revelation 21:5

Morning has Come...

When I began this blog, one of the promises I made was to tell the whole story.   I promised to be real.  Many of you have read every blog and often commented on how that particular blog post may have touched you.  Although I in no way believe this story is over, and I have every intention to continue writing until God releases me to stop, today will begin a new chapter for me and my family.

Had you shown me, at the beginning of this story, how it would play out, I am quite sure I would have sabotaged God's plan for my life.   I am certain that I would have tried to reason with myself and would have talked myself out of ever believing that God could have such an amazing plan for my life.  It is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

If you have followed my blog, then you have heard me talk about my friend, Anne, who passed away with cancer last year.  Anne and Mike were some of our dearest friends.    They were the kind of friends that we knew would have our backs no matter what.   Those kind of friends don't come along everyday.   To lose one in the same year I lost my husband seemed so unfair and cruel.   In the days after Anne's death, I struggled with anger against a God who would take everything I held dear away. He had taken my beloved husband, and then He took my precious friend who was as dear to me as a sister.

On our way home from the doctor, on the day we learned that Jeff's time was very short, he said we had to go tell Mike and Anne.   They were scheduled to leave the next morning for Moffit in Tampa, fighting a battle of their own.   Jeff insisted that we go tell them face to face...he needed to see his friends one last time.   It would be the last time he would see them and be able to talk with them.  That night, they wept with us.   As we left, Jeff looked Mike in the eye and said, "Please, take care of my family."   Just a few days later they returned to say goodbye to him in the Hospice House.   He was already comatose and entered Heaven just hours later.

Months passed and Anne's health began to decline as well.   I saw the signs in early October but refused to believe that God would take her.   I begged Him to spare my friend.  I remember one particular night...a night that I wrote a blog about but have yet to publish it...when my pain was so raw and I begged God to let me trade places with Anne.   My husband was already in heaven...I begged Him to take my life and to spare hers.    It was not to be.  Just a couple of weeks later, I held her hand and sang to her as she stepped from this life into the presence of her Savior.   Again, my heart was crushed.   Sorrow seemed as if it would stay forever.   During our last conversation, Anne had looked me in the eye and asked me to make sure her daughter had the perfect wedding and to take care of her family.

I don't know if either of them knew...but I think perhaps they did.

After Anne's death, Mike grieved hard.   She had been concerned about him losing faith in God, and had asked me to help him find his way.   Honestly, I had no idea how to go about doing that appropriately so I asked our church friends to make sure he wasn't alone too much.   Down time is stifling when you are grieving...staying busy really does help.   Occasionally he would text me and ask for prayer or just a "How do you survive this?".   I would text him scripture as the Lord laid him on my heart.  Neither of us had an inkling as to what God had in store for us.

I'm not even sure how it came to be but somehow the text messages lead to a couple of face to face conversations.   Lots of tears, from him and from me and lots of coffee!   And somehow, in the middle of our grief and talking about how we could glorify God in the midst of it...we fell in love.   Neither of us know exactly when or how it happened.   Still God confirmed it in our hearts immediately.   There was no waffling or wondering if this was really love or just loneliness.   We knew.   We just knew.   Somehow, God, in the midst of our grief, removed a veil from our eyes.   For the first time, we saw each other a different way.   We were given a precious gift.   A gift that only God could give.   A gift that we couldn't understand but made a decision to open it anyway.

I have to tell you, the thought of falling in love with my best friend's husband was as ludicrous as anything I had ever heard.   How could I possibly fall for him?  It didn't make sense.   He was having the same struggle.   How could he fall for his friend's wife?  Neither of us expected it or saw it coming...no, this one could only be fathomed by the Creator of love...the one who knows the beginning from the end.

Confirmation after confirmation began to pour in.  A friend whom I hadn't seen in over a year, dreamed about us specifically.   Another one called and gave me a word from the Lord that described Mike to a "T".   Another one let me know he had a dream months before and had even told his wife...they discounted it as "Nah, that can't be".   Several described what God was doing in our lives with no clue how spot on they were.   They thought they were talking future...but God knew we needed confirmation so He sent it.

Because of the things we had both been through recently, we learned that time is precious.   We learned that we should never take for granted the gifts that God gives us.   We learned that it is important to cherish each other.   And we knew that this was not just a dating relationship...we were meant to be together.   We don't know why but we are certain that God has a ministry that He wants us to do.   Somehow, through our relationship, others will see the goodness of God.   That even though we may have to walk through the night, joy comes in the morning.

So today I will marry my friend's husband.    Anne and Jeff cannot come back.   There is nothing we can do to bring them back and even if we could...they wouldn't want us to.   But we can live each day as if it were our last.    We can cherish each other and encourage others as well.

Today, I will marry my friend.   I am blessed beyond all measure.   I am loved and cherished.   And I love this man who God gave me with a depth I've never known before.   As much as I loved Jeff, I have no doubt I will love Mike more.   Not because he is necessarily better, but because I have learned how important the gifts the God gives are.   God has given me an amazing gift in this man.   He is everything I have prayed for.

Back in the Summer, one of my friends from Columbus, Ga, phoned me to tell me that she had a word for me.   This was the gist of that message..."Keep your heart open for love.   I am preparing a man for you even now.   He will be someone who not only will not be threatened by Jeff's memory, He will help you honor it."   That night I made a list of all the qualities I'd like this man to have.   I was very specific...but had no idea who it would be.   I had no idea that Mike would be that man.   But I am so glad he was.    And I am so blessed that he loves me.   Blessed beyond anything I deserve.

So now in just 11 hours, I will become Mrs. Mike Stewart.    I couldn't have dreamed this if I had tried.   God is good...He is very, very good.    Psalm 30:11 says, "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,"   That is exactly what God has done for us.   He has turned our mourning into joyful dancing.    We will never forget Jeff and Anne.   They are a part of us that we will continue to love and to honor.   But beginning today, and from this day forward, we understand that God has put away our mourning clothes and instead clothed us with joy.   To God be the glory, forever and ever and ever.