Unspeakable Sorrow

Normally, my posts are upbeat for the most part.   As much as I want this one to be, my heart is completely broken tonight.   Let me first clarify that everything is fine between Mike and I... yet, I am overwhelmed with sorrow tonight.   Sorrow, because it wasn't supposed to be this way.  

Jeff was supposed to be here to watch his children become all that we had dreamed and prayed for.  He was supposed to be here to see our church completed.    He was supposed to grow old with me.  He wasn't supposed to get cancer.   He wasn't supposed to die.   Neither was Anne.   I miss them both...in different ways, but I miss them so bad.  Sometimes, I wish God had taken me instead.  

Please don't get me wrong.  I am so thankful for the second chance God has given me with Mike.   He is a wonderful man and more than I am worthy of.  The love that we share is amazing and more than either of us ever hoped to experience again in life.   Most days, this grief doesn't overwhelm me, but tonight it is killing me.   I read stories of others who have been healed and I just can't wrap my mind around why God didn't heal Jeff or Anne.  I don't want to be jealous of others' healing, but why didn't God heal them?

I know I am not the only one to ever feel this pain...many have felt it even deeper.   I just wish that I could get a glimpse God's reasoning here.   This makes no sense to me.   I understand the writer of Psalms 42's anguish tonight..."Why, my soul, are you so downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?..." That is exactly where I am...downcast, disturbed, heartbroken, crushed.   The writer goes on to say, "Why have You forgotten me?  Why must I go on mourning?"  I've never understood this passage like I do tonight.   I feel forgotten...trapped in sorrow.  

I can visualize this writer talking to himself...telling, no. commanding himself to "put your hope in God for yet will I praise Him, my Savior and my God."   I can see it...because I'm there tonight.  Commanding myself to "put my hope in God..."   I wish I could tell you that I "feel" like putting my hope in Him...but  I don't.    Tonight, I only feel sorrow as my eyes are swollen and my nose is running.   Yet I praise Him...not because I "feel" like it.   But because I know in Him I can find hope and nowhere else.  

Tonight I praise Him, even though I don't understand Him.   I praise Him and I choose to put my hope in Him.   He will dry my tears.   He will hold me through the night.   He will soothe my broken heart and help me get back to joy.   I will put my hope in Him.