The Words of My Mouth...

Tonight I laid wide awake in bed, beside my husband who was doing his best to sleep.   I tossed and turned.   I fidgeted.   I prayed.   But sleep would not come.   Finally, (because I knew he'd be getting up super early to go hunting), I crawled from our bed and went to the living room where I spent the next couple of hours reading facebook posts and looking at pinterest.   Still, my mind was on overload and sleep wouldn't come.  So, in my frustration, I began to do what I do...I talked to God.   "Why am I so anxious?"   "Why can't my mind just shut it down?"   "Aggggh!"   No response.   Wait...what is that faint sound...I can't quite make it out.   Is that you, God?   If so, you should speak up, because my mind is too loud and I can't hear you!!!

Suddenly, I got a mental image of God slowly placing His finger over His lips and saying calmly, "Shhhhhh!"   I had just been shhhhh'd by God.   Really!   Imagine that.  (If you know me, then you know how much I HATE being shhhhh'd!)  God wanted me to just hush!

Earlier this evening, a friend stopped by and visited with us.   We talked about some tough topics.  It's good to have friends that you can be completely transparent with...but understand, not everyone can handle your transparency.    Thankfully, this one can.   In the course of our conversation, God brought one of my favorite scriptures to mind, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer."-Psalm 19:14

For the last few hours, my thoughts have been consumed by my words.     Are my words pleasing to my Lord?    The words I speak in conversations I have with my husband?    The words I use when I speak to my kids?   The words I speak in the grocery store, at church or in passing?   The words I speak in jest...or how about the words I speak in judgement?  Is God pleased with my words?   How about when I'm whining (yes, I admit that I do this on occasion)?    How about the words I write?  Do those bring a smile or a grimmace to God's face?  

You see, I cannot choose the circumstances I find myself in.    If I could, I would never be wronged again or hurt by another's actions or lack thereof.   It is not up to me if I face sickness or disease.  I would never lose another loved one to death.   I don't get to see what lies around the bend.   But guess what?   I can choose my words.

I may not be able to choose my emotions, but I can choose what will meditate on.   I can choose how I will respond...and whether or not it will please God.

Yes, I will face heartbreak.   I will face disappointment and perhaps I will experience betrayal and even outrage.   Those things I can't control.    Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear...all part of life...but those things do not define who I am.   How I respond to those things however, does speak volumes of the real me, but even more, it reflects on the God I serve.  

Because I trust Him completely, it is imperative to me that my words reflect His authority in my life.   I want my words to bring Him glory.   I want my words to direct attention to Him...not to me, or my cause, or my desires.   I want the things I think about and the things I spend time dwelling on, to be the goodness and faithfulness of God...not the disappointments of a fallen world that I live in.  

I believe tonight, I have a new glimpse of what David was thinking when he wrote these words.  If I were David, perhaps I would've written it like this.   Lord, let me keep my mind more on You than on this world around me.   Let my words reflect You...not the dispair and gloom I may find myself in.   Lord, don't let my words reflect my anger, my disgust or my opinion.   The world doesn't need that.   What the world needs is You!   So, Lord, when my eyes become distracted by the world around me, draw my attention back to You.   Remind me to think about You and Your goodness.   That alone will blot out everything surrounding me.   And then, when my mind is consumed by Your love, let me speak.   Let me speak the truth...in Your love.  Amen.

Tic-Toc!

It's been far too long since I've written.  Perhaps that is why sleep is evasive tonight.   Maybe it's God's way of bringing me back to the keyboard...to our quiet place...the place where He speaks to me things that I can only hear in the silence.   The song He sings to me set to the cadence of the ticking of the clock.

Where did the time go?  I blinked and a couple months whizzed by!   Yesterday, Mike and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary...how did that happen?   It feels like we just got married!   Yes, our life has been fast paced in the past year, with the campaign and all, but we are very cautious about cherishing every moment...so when I realized just how fast time was passing, it really has made me think about what I am doing with my moments.

In just over four months, Abbi will graduate from High School.   Just a couple of months later, she will go away to college.   And just like that the last of my baby birds will fly away...and the nest will be empty.   For those of you who know me, you know that I have always had a theory that the empty nest syndrome was pretty much a myth.   I know I will miss having her here, don't get me wrong.   I'll miss our giggles in the kitchen, reminding her to get her room "squared away", her technological help with devices I will never understand.   I'll miss our chats and coming to the conclusion that she really didn't want my advice as much as she just wanted someone to hear her out.   I know...I will miss it.

But I also know that in order for her to fulfill the calling on her life, she must fly away.   Keeping her in the nest will only cripple her ability to be who God created her to be.   So before 2017 comes to an end, I will gently nudge my baby bird from the nest and watch her begin to soar.  As tempting as it is, now is not the time to make the nest more comfortable...it is the time for me to do what mama birds do, and teach her how to use her wings.

Life is full of seasons.   Moments that run into hours, hours into days, days into weeks...months, years, seasons.   We must be cautious to appreciate every season and not spend our time rushing through to get to the next season of life.    Fully appreciating each season involves embracing the moment, understanding that in time, the next season will come.    It means not trying to hold off the next season, as well.   It is not within our power to slow time down, we must learn to be good time keepers.  Valuing every moment.

I really thought I had completely learned this lesson after losing Jeff.   I thought God had ingrained this important lesson in my brain through our struggle with cancer.   Yet tonight, I am realizing that this is a lesson He will continue to teach me for the rest of my days.   Learning to not get so caught up in planning for the next season, that I miss what is happening in this one.   One thing I have learned is that once a moment is gone, it is gone...it will only remain in our memory.

So tonight, less than a week into 2017, I am reaffirming my committment to live in the moment God has placed me in.   To live my life in a way that reflects His goodness to me.   I commit to love my husband and children fiercely, striving to put away distractions that would keep me from valuing the moments God has given us together.   It's not so much a New Year's resolution, as it is just an awakening to the fact that the clock is ticking.   Tic-toc, tic-toc, tic-toc.

I remember the words of a song by the Steve Miller Band..."time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future".   Ecclesiastes 3 says it best...

1   There is a time for everything,
     and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2   a time to be born and a time to die,
     a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3   a time to kill and a time to heal,
     a time to tear down and a time to build,
4   a time to weep and a time to laugh,
     a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5   a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
     a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6   a time to search and a time to give up,
     a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7   a time to tear and a time to mend,
     a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8   a time to love and a time to hate,
     a time for war and a time for peace.

Lord, help me to cherish every moment.   The be present in the present.   To trust You with the future and every season.  And thank you tonight, for the song of the clock...tic-toc, tic-toc, tic-toc.