Our Journey Post 42 (When the going gets tough...it just did!)

I have struggled for days, trying to find the right words to write this post.   This has by far been the most heart wrenching week of my life.   I have cried more than should be humanly possible...to the point that I didn't recognize myself the next morning when I looked in a mirror.   I have been open and honest about my feelings since the beginning of this blog and tonight will be no different.   If that kind of honesty is too much for you, you may want to stop reading now...it's about to get very real.

Jeff & I will be married for 25 years on August 5th of this year.   He will celebrate 30 years of being a Christ follower in November.   His 52nd birthday is on March 31st.  Our middle son graduates in June.  Our daughter begins high school in August.  In August we also will celebrate 15 years as pastor of Medart Assembly of God.   2014 was to be our year of mile stones.   The year that we celebrate all that God has helped us accomplish.   Then Thursday happened.

Thursday, we went to see Jeff's oncologist.   He was supposed to have a chemo treatment and our doctor had just returned from an extended vacation in India.   We were expecting to get the results from the scans that had been performed the week before.  We thought we were prepared...we were not.

What Dr. Bandheri had to tell us sent us spiraling out of control.   Dr. Bandheri first told us what we suspected, that the chemo he was on was no longer working.   But he didn't stop there...not only was that chemo no longer working...he didn't think any of the chemo drugs available would work for us either.   His recommendation...stop treatment, call hospice and prepare to die.    Then came the big shocker...the time table.   Weeks.   Maybe months.   If we were lucky.   What?  Wait...what did he just say?   Noooooooo...this cannot be happening.  Jeff just had a scan in January that showed the tumors were still shrinking...how did we go from that to no more options in one month?   This just doesn't make sense.

We left the doctors office in tears and complete silence.   I sobbed all the way home, finding it hard to breathe myself.   I messaged a couple of friends and family members.   I needed someone to wake me up and tell me that this was a bad dream and all was well.   Only I wasn't dreaming.   Things just got really real.

How could I possibly be about to lose my husband.   I cried out to God...Please take me instead!   Or  at least take me, too.  I found myself so angry that it scared me.  I was angry at cancer.   But perhaps for the first time in my life I was really angry with God.   (This is where I'm being totally honest...hang with me.)

I was 15 when I felt God call me to ministry.   I dedicated my life to doing whatever He called me to do.   I didn't pursue certain dreams that could've profitted me because I felt a higher calling and was committed to fulfill that calling.   At age 21, I went to Bible college against the advice of many in my life.   I did not go to Lee on a "man-hunt" as many have done...I went on a ministry hunt.  I knew I was called to ministry and I went there to prepare myself for a life of servanthood.   Within the first semester there, however, I met Jeff McFalls and an amazing journey began.    He too, was on a mission to prepare himself for ministry and didn't have time to search for a girlfriend.   We weren't looking for each other, but God brought us together anyway...it was nothing short of miraculous.   Long story short, we fell in love and married a few months later...and together we pursued a lifetime of ministry.

So on Thursday, when that precious doctor told us that Jeff's life would soon end, I lost it!   What do you mean, God?  We have dedicated our lives to you.   We have sacrificed. We have endured.  We have praised you in the midst of dark days.   How can you do this to us?  How can you take him?  This is not fair!!

I AM WITH YOU.  It was faint, like a whisper...but I heard it.   I AM WITH YOU.  You are not alone.   I AM WITH YOU.   There is not one step on this journey that I have missed.   I AM WITH YOU.

And then I began to feel His presence and sense His encouragement.   Through friends and through personal study, He began to lead me to passages in the Bible that reminded me that the doctors may have done all they can do, but the Great Physician is not out of options.

He reminded me of the power that He gave to Ezekial to prophesy to dry bones and see them come back to life.   He reminded me to not be afraid...that when I pass through the waters he would be with me...as I walk through the fire, I would not be burned.   He reminded me of all the impossible miracles He performed in the Bible.   He pointed out Lazarus...now that was a hopeless case.

He reminded me that from the beginning of this whole cancer ordeal, we SAID we wanted Him to get the glory.  Well, it's time to put our money where our mouth is.   Now is the time that we must trust Him completely.   I'm looking at my frail husband, who just 2 years ago was healthy as a horse...and I have to say, "God, I trust you with his future."

He is struggling...breathing is a fight.  But our trust is in God.   His body is frail...but our trust is in God.   Without a miracle, his time is short.  And yes, I know that either way is a win for him...but I am standing in faith that God isn't finished with him yet.   We are not giving up.

Tonight, I am speaking (with the power of our sovreign Lord) to his lungs and commanding them to take in air.   I am speaking to his heart and telling it to get in right rhythm.   You can call me nuts if you want to...honestly, I don't care.   I am calling on all our friends and family to come alongside us and pray believing, too.   Jeff McFalls is loyal friend and comrade.   He is friend to fellow pastors and to missionaries all over the world.   But he is also a friend to the misfits...to those who aren't accepted by society.   He has stood in the gap for so many...now he needs you to stand in the gap for him.  Pray friends.   Pray for the miraculous for us.

When the going gets tough, the tough go to God!  That's all we know to do...but that's all we need to do.  He is our hope...we will go to HIM!