I've always loved decorating for Christmas, but I just couldn't make myself do it this year. The presents weren't wrapped and sitting under the tree...it was just different. Jeff has been gone for nearly 10 months now and though I am finding a new normal, I still miss him. He will forever be a part of who I am. I am a better person because he loved me.
I began to think about him this morning, about him celebrating Christmas in heaven. I know he is having a blast. I wouldn't bring him back...that would be very selfish of me. If only I had known that last Christmas would be our last. What would I have done differently? I would have loved him better...without reserve. I would've cared more about what was important to him, and less about what was important to the critics who watched from afar. I would've held nothing back.
But you can't go back. The slab on his grave reads, "You can never change your past, but you can always change your future." Words that I heard him say thousands of times...words that ring loud and clear in my heart today.
Today, I can be about making memories with my family. Enjoying some of the old traditions and making some new ones, too. One of our family traditions for years has been to go see a movie on Christmas day. It's one of those silly things we do together and no matter where we are, we always go find a movie to watch together. I'd be lying if I said that I wanted to keep this tradition this year. Honestly, without Jeff, I thought this one would be too painful. Thankfully, my kids insist on keeping this tradition. So today, we will go see a movie...but not a sad one! And we will start some new traditions today, too. Not because there's anything wrong with the old ones, but because this man that we loved taught us to keep moving forward and not get stuck on the old.
Today, I will be about loving my family. I will purpose in my heart that I will make sure they know that they are loved. Somehow, I will put the past year behind me and I will concentrate on them. God has given me three amazing children. They are all different, yet equally amazing. They have weathered this storm alongside me and frankly, many times they have weathered it better than me. Sometimes, I forget that their grief is real, too. But they know that their dad would want them to keep moving, so today we will do that. We will keep moving. We will find a new tradition to start.
God has been faithful to us over the course of this past year. 2014 was not the year that I expected, but it was one in which God displayed His goodness in my life. He has let me experience life on a deeper, more intimate level than ever before. In the past year, I have loved, grieved, laughed and cried. I have searched for answers and found THE answer. I don't understand all that has transpired...much of it I will never understand...but I've learned to trust Him.
The world never understood God's plan. Sending a baby to save us made no sense. It wasn't something that could be comprehended...it would require faith
. In the same way the world couldn't understand God's plan for salvation, I don't understand His plan for my life. I just have to trust that it is there. It will never make sense to me, I've come to realize that. But God is good...and He works all things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose. I am called. I know that He is working everything for my good.
Lord, help me to trust you. When things don't make sense and I can't get my mind around your plan...help me to trust your heart. And Lord, there's a couple of newcomers in Heaven this year who happen to be very dear to my heart. Let them know that we are carrying on...and we are so happy that they get to spend this Christmas with the One who it is all about. Merry Christmas in heaven!
No comments:
Post a Comment