Transformed tears...from sorrow to joy

It's been over a month since my last post.   So much has changed in my life...at times it feels like a dream.   I have learned to accept that God's plan for me is bigger and better than my mind is capable of comprehending.

We are now approaching the one year anniversary of Jeff's promotion to heaven.   In someways, it  is like retracing your steps.    I find myself remembering tiny details that until now were hidden away deep in my memory.    I remember every doctors appointment leading up to the one that shredded my hope of him beating that horrible disease.    Hearing those awful words and look on our doctor's face.   Yet even then, I held on to hope that he would be healed.

I now understand the look that people gave me as I fought desperately for my husband's survival.   It wasn't pity, but it fell short of hope.   People wanted to believe...they just couldn't.   They wanted to have faith...but they couldn't.

I was hoping our miracle would be the one that would help others believe.   God's plan was so much bigger than what I could imagine.   It wasn't what I would've planned...not the way I thought it should play out, but it was God's plan.   And His plan is always better...if we can ever understand that, it will change our faith.

You see, my plan on this day a year ago, was for Jeff to be healed miraculously on this side of heaven.    It was for us to go on living life as we knew it.   To continue being a pastor's wife...to keep on loving him... to see our children raised and someday enjoy our grandchildren.   That was what I had visions of one year ago today.

My plan, however, was only days away from being shattered.    And though the "right" answer was to say, "God's way is higher (or better) than my way", I couldn't say it.    I couldn't.    I remember driving down the road, listening to Christian radio, and the song, "Even if the healing doesn't come" came on.   I became furious!   What do You mean, "if it doesn't come"?   For me, that was not an option and I remember turning the radio off and shaking my fist at God...He'd better heal him...that was my mindset.    I had no concept of the depth I was about to be taken to.

God had an AHA moment in store for me, but first He would lead me out into deep waters...very, very deep.    This place had the potential to drown me...to pull me under and choke the life out of me.   That was the potential...but it was not the intent.  

As I walked through those final days last year, I couldn't imagine how God could use me with no Jeff in the picture.    I saw my marriage ending.   I saw my love ending.   I saw my family ending.   I saw my ministry ending.   Oh, if only I could've seen what God was seeing.

His faithful servant was about to win the prize he had worked so hard for.    Anyone who knew Jeff, knew that as much as he loved his family, friends and church, he loved God more.    He did everything he did here, so that more of us could join him there.    He longed for the day that he could be with Jesus and he made no bones about that.  

And all those endings that I saw...they were commas, not periods.   They were pauses, transitions even...into something more amazing than I could fathom.   He wanted to bring me into something new.   But in order to get me there, He would have to take me through the deep.

Now, one year later, I look at my life.    I have a new marriage.   I know that is strange for some people...but God had it planned long before we even noticed each other.    For two people to have been such close friends and never even had a thought about each other romantically...then to have that change overnight to a deep and passionate love, it could only be the work of God.    Somehow, out of the depth of our sorrow, God unfolded an amazing gift and gave us each other.     We have a new love.  One that is deeper and more passionate than either of us have ever experienced.   I believe we love each other with more determination and zeal because we now understand how fragile life is and how precious every moment is.  We will not waste a moment.

I have a new family...now, in addition to my three children, I have an amazing new daughter.   One who I already loved as if she was mine...and now she is.   Now I get to enjoy her on a whole new level, and soon, I'll have a son-in-law...and someday, grandbabies to love and spoil!!!!

And I have a new ministry.   Not one that I ever would have imagined.   I don't think I would have signed up for it.   It's not the one that I trained for in college...well, maybe in someways it is, but definitely not what I thought I was training for.    It is a much more practical ministry...more hands on.   It is now one that allows God to just use me as He sees fit.   No formulas.   No strategizing.   No trying to measure up to man's expectation.   Only being available, in the moment...wherever and whenever God sees fit.   And then just being awed by how He does it!

He has taken me deeper this year.   He has traded my sorrow for joy.  He has blessed me far more than I could imagine and so much more than I deserve.

Over the next few days, I will continue to post memories.   I will remember.   There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember all that Jeff McFalls was in my life.    But God has transformed my tears.    Tears that were once full of sorrow are now full of joy.    Not because I no longer miss him, but because I understand that He is in the presence of Jesus and there is where he always wanted to be.    And God has made my life full again.   He has given me all things I thought He was tearing away from me...he was only making them richer.  

What is it that you feel like God is ripping from you now?   Can you find a way to trust Him?   I promise, He will give you something better than you can imagine, if only you will let Him.   Trust Him...His plan is amazing!