A One Foot In Front of the Other Kind Of Day

The alarm went off at 5:45 am like it always does.   I didn't want to get out of bed.  Not because I was still sleepy, no, today was different.   I just didn't want to move.   Maybe it was a dream.   Maybe just part of the process.   Whatever the reason, I knew today would be a struggle the moment my eyes opened.

It's been nearly eight months now.  Most days I am okay...but not today.   Today, I am a hot mess (special emphasis on the "mess").   Today, the grief seems unfair.  What did I do to deserve this?  Before I get letters or comments, let me say, I know this isn't because of something I "did"...but still, life seems very unfair at the moment.   Then again, I didn't "do" anything to deserve the life I had before...it was only because of God's grace that I ever experienced even one day of it.

I miss him so much today I can barely breath.   My eyes are swollen, my nose is red and my heart is shattered.   I miss everything about our life together.   Part of me feels terribly selfish when I realize that I had 25 years of something many never even get to experience for day.   Still, twenty-five years was not long enough.  

My vocabulary falls short of the words needed to express my heart today.   Saying I miss him and I miss our life together seems shallow when compared to what I feel today.   Today, I am once again grieving the loss of my husband, the loss of my lover, the loss of our ministry together, the loss of my life.   We became one when we said "I do", so it is difficult, if not impossible to see where he ends and I begin.  I loved our life together, everything about it.   Today, it feels like that life is so far away. Like I am trapped in a foreign, unfamiliar land.   I just want to be home again.

I miss being in the ministry with him.   Pastoring people.   It's what I was called to do at age 15 and what I have loved for as long as I can remember.  For me, it wasn't a position.   It was my life's calling...everything else falls short.   I cannot explain it and don't even come close to understanding it.   I am just completely grieved by...I don't even have words to express it...the loss of what I felt I was created to do.

I am thankful for the Word of God and for the encouragement it brings to me.   I'm thankful that I know these are light and temporary trials.   That God has a plan for my life.   That His calling is without repentance and that He is good.   If I didn't have this hope, I would truly be crushed and have no hope of leaving this dark place of grief.

But I do have that hope.   I was reminded again recently that the struggles I face today are building my character to match my calling.   God will redeem this pain.   I have to believe that He will once again allow me minister...to shepherd people.    I have to believe that somehow, He will use every tear I have cried and every emotion I have felt, to bring someone who crosses my path closer to Him.

Perhaps, my struggle will help someone love their spouse better.   Perhaps it will help a minister's wife appreciate her place in the kingdom.   Perhaps... right now, I don't know.  I don't know how He will use this.   Just that He promised that if I would yield my life to Him, He would use me.   That is what I've done and today, once again, I decide to yield me to Him.   I know He understands...His word tells me so.

I will pull my feet out of bed, put one in front of the other and walk this walk for as long as He keeps me here.   Father, use me anyway you choose.

"For we do not have High Priest who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning."  Hebrews 4:15

A new morning!

The sun will be up soon and as I sit here in the pre dawn moments, I am thinking about all that happened yesterday.   We honored my friend with a beautiful celebration service that pointed people to God.   She is happy and healthy and as our pastor said, would be downright mad at us if we brought her back.

But now to carry on without her.   I've been here before.  As a matter of fact, I don't think I've left this place of grief just yet.   Missing Jeff and now missing Anne, will be part of my daily routine for quite some time.  Walking out life down here, when so many of the ones you love are in Heaven.   To be honest, I used to think it was something the elderly had to deal with...now I understand that grief doesn't have an age limit.

Now, nearly 8 months after Jeff's passing, I find myself grasping for specific memories of him.   I want to remember every detail of his face.   I want to remember his voice, I want to remember his eyes, his touch, his laugh.    Sometimes it is so strong in my memory it is almost as if he is in the room with me...other times it seems like I am trying to catch air in a fishnet.

This morning, I woke thinking of Anne...trying to remember her voice.   Her laugh.  The crazy things she would say that made no sense but still made me laugh.   She hasn't been gone a week yet.  This time last week, we sat and talked...she was weak, but she was here.   I prayed that the Lord would never let me forget the details of my friend.

As the sun set on Jeff and Anne, I have to say those were the two most spectacular sunsets I've ever witnessed.   Brilliant in rays of love and joy.   Darkness followed as they left this world...not for them, but for those of us left behind.   The world isn't as bright without them.

But I am thankful this morning that we have the promise of a sunrise.   In God's timing, He will send light again into our lives.   Beautiful colors and calm peace.   As much as I love a beautiful sunset, it is the sunrise where I find myself in awe of God and feeling closer to Him.

I do not understand and will not attempt to predict when it will happen, but I trust my God.  The same God that Jeff and Anne trusted.   There will come a day when He will wipe our tears and awe us by the beauty of a new morning.

I was interrupted as I wrote this blog for just a bit.   I had to leave and take Abbi to school.  This is how cool God is.   As we left the house, it was completely dark outside.   Approaching the intersection before Abbi's school, I was about 10 cars back in line...traffic was slow today.   I noticed the sky...dark but I could see the outline of clouds...a ripple effect, almost like waves.   Then slowly (yet quickly at the same time), the clouds began to change, from grey to light pink to brilliant pink.  Then almost a bright orange.   Here come's the sun.   All that, before I could make it to her school just a few hundred yards away.

God reminded me that the very thing He had laid on my heart to write about in the wee morning hours of darkness, would be even more brilliant when He brings it to pass.  It will take my breath away, just like that sunrise did this morning.   This period of darkness will not last forever...morning is coming.   Oh what a morning it will be.

I believe the very first blog I ever wrote was about waiting with anticipation for the sunrise...for me, the sunrise will never get old.   I will always approach it with the expectancy of a child on Christmas morn.   Lord, I don't know what tomorrow holds for me, but I trust You and I know that You are good.   Whatever it is, I will look for it with great expectancy.   Anticipating it's arrival.   Here comes the Son!

Hello Guilda

When we first moved here fifteen years ago, I encountered a lady who would forever change my life. It was apparent from the get-go that she had a crazy sense of humor but I had no idea that she would bring me joy in my darkest days...a friendship that was more like family.     To look at us, you would never think that we would end up as close friends.  She was older by several years and she we didn't have a lot in common...or so we thought.

Not long after coming to Medart and meeting Anne,  Jeff decided that he would like to start a Wednesday night dinner to help build attendance for our midweek services.   We came from a large church in Georgia that had a successful Wednesday night dinner and although we knew we couldn't do it on that scale, we decided to start somewhere.   I called 3 or 4 ladies in the church and asked for their help.   For the first few weeks, we would cook everything at home and bring it to the church to serve...but then we decided to meet at the church and cook a meal from scratch.   Peggy Beck, Phyllis Lynn, Anne Stewart and I met one Wednesday afternoon in the tiny little kitchen in the back of the church building and we commenced to cooking a down-home meal for some hungry folks.

About an  hour into that endeavor, I decided that we needed some table decorations.  Something "fall"ish as the weather had changed.   I started digging through closets, looking for anything I could create a centerpiece with.   Before long, that little fellowship hall had been transformed and the other three ladies had finished cooking the meal.   They just looked at me and shook their heads...what would they do with me?   It was then that Anne turned to me and said, "That's beautiful, Guilda."   Guilda?   Who's Guilda?   I chalked it up to me being new and maybe reminding her of someone else but after she called me that several more times, I couldn't take it anymore.   I HAD to set her straight. So I said, "Um, you do know my name isn't Guilda, right?  It's Libby."   She just grinned at me and said, "Yeh, I know...GUILDA!...I call you that because you always gild the lily."   "I what?"  "You gild the lily."    I had never heard that term before which made her want to use it all the more.  When you "gild the lily", you adorn unnecessarily something already beautiful. The expression is a condensation of Shakespeare's metaphor in King John: "To gild refined gold, to paint the lily ... is wasteful and ridiculous excess." i.e., you wouldn't need to add gold to a beautiful lily.  Over the next 15 yrs, she would refer to me as Guilda on several occasions.  It was her term of endearment for me.

Anne's dry sense of humor won me over right away, but it was her tenacity to persevere that truly let me know that we could be close friends.   On many occasions, I would volunteer for something that was way bigger than I could handle.  Anne always came to my rescue.  She would work tirelessly with little or no recognition,  except that I would tell her how much I loved her.   For ten years, she was my constant kitchen lady.   She cleaned up my messes and wrapped more green beans than anyone should do in a lifetime.   Once, we were catering a wedding and the air conditioner in the kitchen went out.  Peggy and Anne worked all day and night in that 900 degree kitchen and did not complain.  They just grabbed a fan and a bag of ice and made do.

My favorite memories of her though are the times that she was "Amelia Bedilia" incarnate!   It did not pay to have two conversations at once with Anne.   There was no telling what you might end up with.   She would probably kill me for saying this, but it needs to be told!! Once we were having a conversation about various weightloss measures we had tried.   I told her how I had been wrapped on a couple of occasions and then would put on a sweatsuit and work out.  This would make me sweat more and I would usually loose a couple inches off my thighs and midsection.    We also discussed a diet that I was on that called for me to drink several glasses of water everyday with a tsp of cayenne pepper in the water to raise my metabolism.   Later that night I got a call from Anne.  "What have you done to me?"   "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"   "That diet idea you gave to me today...I think you have ruined me!!!"    Now, I was completely clueless to what she was talking about and then it hit me...oh no...she combined the conversations!   My crazy friend had just rubbed hot sauce all over her thighs and then wrapped them in Saran wrap!   She was ON FIRE!!!!  And all I could do was laugh!!   As a matter of fact, I'm giggling right now as I write this!

Last December, we were catering a Christmas dance for ROTC and her husband,  Mike called to tell me that she might not be able to make it.   She was having severe kidney pain and was going to the Dr. that day.   I knew it had to be bad for her to have to back out on me.   She pushed through and still made it before the event to help.   But something wasn't right.   We had no idea that cancer was ravishing her body at the moment.   In the weeks to come, we would realize that this nightmare was real.   Not only did my husband have cancer, so did my dear friend.

Yesterday, her struggle ended.   I will not say she lost her battle...she didn't.  She was victorious!  She won!  She is in heaven and nothing here can compare to what she is experiencing there.   We, however, now have to deal with the loss of such a beautiful, fun woman.   There is a void that deep.   Anne Stewart was the one of the strongest and most loving women I have ever known.   Everyone who knew her felt better just by being in her presence.   She may not have been perfect, but she was pretty darn close, if you ask me.

I have more Anne stories to share and you will probably hear those in the upcoming blogs.   Please pray for her family, Mike and Rebecca, and her brothers, sisters-in-love and a host of nieces, nephews and cousins.   The coming days will be incredibly hard.   We have a hope though, because we know who she put her faith in and we are persuaded that He is able!  We will see her again...we don't say goodbye...just see you later.

Groundhog's Day

Have you ever watched the movie, Groundhog  Day?   You know the one where Bill Murray keeps waking up and its the same day...over and over and over?   Well, I feel like I am trapped in that movie, only it's not so funny.

We are approaching the seven month anniversary of Jeff's home going in just 3 short days.  Seven months of missing him.  Seven months of asking God why only to come to the conclusion over and over that God is sovereign.

Today, we put my dear, dear friend into hospice care.  Watching her family is like having an out of body experience.   The struggles, the decisions, the tears, the fears... it is a different day, but it sure feels very much the same.

The past few days I have begged God for more time.  Begged Him to heal my friend.   We have a plan...we planned to go on the road together!  Glorifying God all the way.   But tonight, unless the Lord intervenes (and we believe very much that He can), it won't be long until she sees Jesus.

Anne has been my friend for the last fifteen years.   She has worked with me in kitchen that were 900 degrees and never once threatened to quit on me.   She has had my back when it seemed that world was turning against me.  She has made me laugh and held my hand as I cried.   Black Friday just isn't Black Friday until she and I can meet up and shop.   We may not buy a thing but we sure do enjoy shopping.  She has a crazy (as in insane) addiction to pigs, which I may have contributed to on occasion.   She has a knack for burning things that should not be capable of burning...but somehow!

Tonight, I am faced with the possibility of losing my friend.  My heart is breaking.   All over again.   To be honest, I just want to scream.   I don't want lose her...she's as close as a sister.  Still, I know, that I know, that I know that God is good.   He knows our first day and our last.   When life is not fair, He is still good.

He comforted my heart today and as I visited with Anne tonight, I saw it on her face, too.   She is being comforted by the One who loves her more than we can fathom.   She is strong and she is a fighter.   She loves her family and she loves God.

Tonight, I find myself praying for her.  For her husband and her daughter.  For her brothers and their wives.   For her nieces and nephews.   And for her friends (me included).   That we will all know the comfort that can only come from God.

I will NOT stop praying for her healing.   I am not giving up on this!  I believe that God can heal her and was reminded again tonight of just how powerful he is.   I will keep on praying.  I'd appreciate it if you would join me, too.