It's been nearly eight months now. Most days I am okay...but not today. Today, I am a hot mess (special emphasis on the "mess"). Today, the grief seems unfair. What did I do to deserve this? Before I get letters or comments, let me say, I know this isn't because of something I "did"...but still, life seems very unfair at the moment. Then again, I didn't "do" anything to deserve the life I had before...it was only because of God's grace that I ever experienced even one day of it.
I miss him so much today I can barely breath. My eyes are swollen, my nose is red and my heart is shattered. I miss everything about our life together. Part of me feels terribly selfish when I realize that I had 25 years of something many never even get to experience for day. Still, twenty-five years was not long enough.
My vocabulary falls short of the words needed to express my heart today. Saying I miss him and I miss our life together seems shallow when compared to what I feel today. Today, I am once again grieving the loss of my husband, the loss of my lover, the loss of our ministry together, the loss of my life. We became one when we said "I do", so it is difficult, if not impossible to see where he ends and I begin. I loved our life together, everything about it. Today, it feels like that life is so far away. Like I am trapped in a foreign, unfamiliar land. I just want to be home again.
I miss being in the ministry with him. Pastoring people. It's what I was called to do at age 15 and what I have loved for as long as I can remember. For me, it wasn't a position. It was my life's calling...everything else falls short. I cannot explain it and don't even come close to understanding it. I am just completely grieved by...I don't even have words to express it...the loss of what I felt I was created to do.
I am thankful for the Word of God and for the encouragement it brings to me. I'm thankful that I know these are light and temporary trials. That God has a plan for my life. That His calling is without repentance and that He is good. If I didn't have this hope, I would truly be crushed and have no hope of leaving this dark place of grief.
But I do have that hope. I was reminded again recently that the struggles I face today are building my character to match my calling. God will redeem this pain. I have to believe that He will once again allow me minister...to shepherd people. I have to believe that somehow, He will use every tear I have cried and every emotion I have felt, to bring someone who crosses my path closer to Him.
Perhaps, my struggle will help someone love their spouse better. Perhaps it will help a minister's wife appreciate her place in the kingdom. Perhaps... right now, I don't know. I don't know how He will use this. Just that He promised that if I would yield my life to Him, He would use me. That is what I've done and today, once again, I decide to yield me to Him. I know He understands...His word tells me so.
I will pull my feet out of bed, put one in front of the other and walk this walk for as long as He keeps me here. Father, use me anyway you choose.
"For we do not have High Priest who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning." Hebrews 4:15
Hang in there, Libby. I've also felt all of the emotions that you are feeling. I can't really say that it gets easier but the Lord will help you to deal with all of these changes. Call me if you need to talk.
ReplyDelete