Giving Thanks...for everything.

Sometimes when I write for this blog, I just sit down and the words begin to flow.  Sometimes, I plan for days what I want to write.  This time, I think it will be a mixture of the two.  Today is Thanksgiving Day.   Nearly nine months has passed since Jeff drew his final breath here and moved to Heaven.

Today marks the beginning of our first holiday season without him in our lives.   He is not here today to remind me to be on time for the family dinner in Bristol.   He won't be sampling my dishes or griping because we don't have leftovers.  Our house won't be filled with sounds of football this afternoon.   He's not here to beg me not to put up that blasted tree yet and certainly not plug it in!

I won't be able to watch him take a post-turkey nap today.   And today, there will be no going over what I can and can't spend during my Black Friday shopping trip.

I've been up since four this morning.   My heart aches.   A trip to the gym and an hour or so of vigorous activity can't stop this ache.   I'm just going to have to walk it out...but not on a treadmill.  No, some things you just have to let yourself feel.

Today makes me miss my friend, Anne, too.  Thanksgiving was her day.   The day she would have her whole family over and shine like only she could.    I never could've imagined how dear she would become to me when we first met, but losing her was like losing a sister.   Today, they will have their first Thanksgiving without her at the helm...my heart aches for them as well.   We never dreamed that last Thanksgiving would be our last with the ones we loved so much.

Strangely though, amidst all the tears and heartache, I just find myself incredibly thankful today to have known and been loved by these two amazing people.   I wouldn't bring them back here if I could because I know that what they are experiencing there is more amazing than anything I could ever imagine.  Someday, I can go there and be with them again.   But today,  well today it just hurts really bad.

I am so thankful today for the people God has placed in my life for this season.   People who bring me joy in the midst of sorrow.   People who aren't afraid of my tears.   People who can make me laugh.   People who remind me to go on living.  

It's okay to pause and remember.   It's okay to hurt.   But it is also okay to laugh and to begin to make new traditions.  

Later today, the kids and I will go visit Jeff's grave.   It's time to change the flowers out.  He hated flowers...and would probably kill me for putting two (count them) urns on his grave.   I decided to put two Christmas trees made out of old golf balls on there for the season.   His old golf buddy, Mike, supplied me with lots of old golf balls and tees.   My friend, Sara, and my kids helped with assembly. They are a little on the tacky side but they have Jeff all over them.   (He would just be mad that I messed up that many balls!)

When we are through there, we will head to Bristol to spend the day with my family.   I hope they are ready for my gusher tears...I pray that God dries them before I get there and make a blubbering fool of myself.   Today, is going to be about making new memories.   Spending time with my kids and family and friends.  

Perhaps you have lost someone this year and today is hard for you.   Or maybe you know someone that has lost someone and your heart aches for them.   Can I just interject an idea...   If you have lost someone, reach out today to others and let them help you.   It is hard but it will help, I promise.   If you know someone who has lost someone, reach out to them.  Don't assume that they have someone or that you would be intruding on their space.   Let them know that you are there and that you want to help.   God gives us opportunities to comfort each other during sorrow.   We have to make the effort.  
And when you pause (and you should pause) to give thanks for all that God has blessed you with today, say a prayer for those who mourn, that they will be comforted.  

When I pause today, it will have to be a very long pause.  God has blessed me with more than I could list if I had a thousand years to list it.   Everyday, He reminds me that His ways are greater than my ways...His plans are way better than mine.   I don't understand it, but I trust it...and today I am so thankful for it.  

Oh Lord, let my life be one of gratitude.  One that is ever thankful for every blessing you bestow on me.   Let me never take for granted another day, be it a holiday or not.   Let my life be a reflection of Your nature.   One that gives hope to a hurting world and confidence that You will always be with us. One that is thankful everyday, and not just once a year.  

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

To Chase the Dark Away...

The darkness of depression is a very real thing.   We are all vulnerable to it.  It can follow a great loss or it can come on the heals of victory.   Whether it has a traceable reason, like the death of a loved one or the loss of a job, or a clinical reason...it comes from the same source.  It comes from the enemy of your soul.  The one who longs to make your world so dark that you can no longer catch even a glimmer of light.

Depression isn't always visible.   Some of us are very good at covering or putting on a face that says, "I'm ok", when in reality, we are not.   Depression says that we cannot tell others what we are facing...only making the darkness darker and pulling us further from the light.

The past few days have been dim for me.   When I say that I am scrambling for the light, I'm not kidding.   It is something that I am having to fight to keep at bay.   The feelings of isolation...not belonging...insignificance...being invisible...lonely.   It has been as if as soon as I fight one issue, another pops up.  

I had this conversation with myself this morning...you don't belong here...no one would miss you if you were gone.   Not because anyone made me feel that way...that wasn't the case.   It was the enemy of my soul playing an isolation game with me.   He is trying his best to obscure the light and effectively keep me in the dark.

Here is something I know about darkness.   No matter how dark it gets, it only takes a little light to pierce it.  But if you can obscure the light by putting something in front of it, you can keep it dark.   I learned this when we lived in Minnesota and the Summer months would have days that went on forever.   I remember one night being outside and thinking it was only around 5 or 6, only to find out that it was 11:30pm!   We had to purchase room darkening blinds and obscure the light so it would stay dark in the house at night.  

So what does that have to do with depression?   If the enemy of your soul wants to keep you in the dark...he will do everything in his power to obscure the light.   He will use your circumstances, your hangups, your failures and your victories to effectively put a barrier between you and God.   He'll use your friends, your family, your church...whatever, he doesn't fight fair.   And all that hullabaloo about Christians never being depressed...well, that's just baloney!   I think we are sometimes even more vulnerable to it...we need to be aware!

This morning as I warred with this ensuing depression, I found myself agitated.   I felt lonely and insignificant.   I missed Jeff intensely and found myself quite irritated by others who still have their spouses, yet treat them with disdain.   All feelings that I am justified in feeling...people tell me all the time that its ok and that I should feel this way.  But it's those very feelings that obscure the light.   Those feelings put the focus on me or on my circumstances.  It is only when my focus shifts to the Light, that the darkness begins to lift.

I know I was not alone today in my feelings.   I see others struggling with the same darkness.  Perhaps that is why I feel so compelled to expose it...so that the Light will chase it away.   This morning during worship, I found myself broken and I began to just cry out to God.   In my heart, I realized that it is only in His presence that I am whole.   But staying in His presence isn't always easy.   It requires a commitment, much like my marriage did.   I had to commit to stay with Jeff McFalls...there were times when it would have been easier to leave...to just go to another place.   Honestly...there are times when I think leaving His presence would be easier.   It wouldn't be...that is just a trick of the enemy.  Making the grass on the other side look greener.   Blocking the light...intensifying the darkness.

But when I come into His presence, the darkness begins to fall away.  So far, it hasn't completely left...but it has lost its grip on me.   I trust that as I focus more on Jesus and spend more time in His presence, the darkness will become less and less powerful.  If part of the enemy's plan is to keep me in the darkness by telling me not to talk about it...then I will SHOUT it from the mountain top!   I refuse to keep quiet and silently watch others be sucked into the darkness.  If you find yourself uncomfortable reading this, I apologize, but I cannot be silent.  I'm turning on a light...and darkness, you will have to go.  Lord, Your presence is all I need.

Stitches...leading to joy

I haven't written in a couple weeks...partly because I was busy traveling and working, partly because the words just wouldn't come.   But for whatever reason, sleep won't come tonight, so here I sit in front of my computer screen, doing what seems to help me and I'm told many others.

I seemed to have moved into a new stage of the grieving process.   I still miss Jeff terribly, but I've come to grips with the fact that the next time I see him will be in heaven.   I can now listen to his sermons and smile instead of weep.   I listened to a couple of his (very short) voicemails this week and actually laughed out loud.   To have been a preacher, he was not much for talking to a machine...I think his longest message was 8 seconds!  Thanks Babe!

I'm beginning to notice changes in the kids, too.   They still miss him, but they are more concerned now about living out what he taught them.   Everyday I see them getting closer to God...forging out a real, personal relationship with Him.

Tonight, we will go watch our oldest, Zac, in his first InCharacter production, "Happy Hollandaise".   Talking to him over the past few weeks is like talking to his dad in some ways.   He is diving into the Word...learning new scriptures every week.  And if he's anything like his dad, he'll be able to quote them to you ten years from now without missing a beat.   I know Jeff would be so proud.  The change is amazing

The marble slab on Jeff's grave reads, "You cannot change your past...but you can always change your future."   I think of how many times I heard him say that.   And now his son has grasped it...by turning to God, he is changing his future.   Gone is the life of depression and heartache that tried to get it's gnarly grips in him...now he is doing what he loves and preparing for a life rich in grace and mercy.


It's weird, because I feel like I'm moving to a new stage in grieving him, but I'm still in the early stages of grieving my friend, Anne.    Although, I must admit, every time I think of her and Jeff in heaven, I smile.   What a mess they must be!   If anyone ever tries to tell you that the steps of grief are linear...they are lying.   These steps are more like crochet stitches, I think.   Yes, you do make forward progress, but you are still gonna keep going back and forth throughout the whole thing.   Sometimes, you will feel like you are just being tied in knots!

Thanksgiving is just a couple weeks away.   I wish I could say I was looking forward to it...I'm not.   I'm gonna miss him raving about my Senator Russell Sweet Potato Casserole (with enough sugar to put one into a diabetic coma)!   I'll miss him watching football (or whatever sport he could find) while I put up the tree.   I'll miss Anne talking about fixing dinner for her family...we always made some of the dishes together ahead of time.   But I think hardest of all, will come on Friday.   I am gonna miss Black Friday shopping with my friend.

You see, for us it was never about the shopping.   We could've cared less about the deals or sales.   It was always about us spending time together.   Eating together, people watching, embarrassing our daughters, sipping on coffee drinks or hot chocolate...oh, and many times visiting the cemetary to make sure Boots grave had fresh flowers on it!   (Boots was Anne's aunt and was a true Southern lady...she left Anne in charge of making sure she had flowers!)

Most of the time, we'd come home with just a few knick knacks and whole lot of memories.   This year I will go with her daughter, Rebecca and Regan (Rebecca's friend who Anne treated like a daughter).    We are gonnna shop, and eat, and sip on coffee drinks and laugh.   Laugh.   Laugh.   Because that is important.   Anne would want us to laugh.   Jeff would want us to laugh.   So laugh we shall!

We will laugh and remember.   Then we'll probably cry some, too!   That's ok though, because tears have a way of healing hearts.   I can feel mine beginning to heal.   Oh, it will probably always ache to some degree, but slowly, surely healing is taking place.   Joy is coming...

I am reminded of a Psalm...65:8 "The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders; where morning dawns, where evening fades, you call forth songs of joy."   Evening is fading.   Morning is on the horizon.   Soon, God will call forth songs of joy.  Joy is coming!