Today marks the beginning of our first holiday season without him in our lives. He is not here today to remind me to be on time for the family dinner in Bristol. He won't be sampling my dishes or griping because we don't have leftovers. Our house won't be filled with sounds of football this afternoon. He's not here to beg me not to put up that blasted tree yet and certainly not plug it in!
I won't be able to watch him take a post-turkey nap today. And today, there will be no going over what I can and can't spend during my Black Friday shopping trip.
I've been up since four this morning. My heart aches. A trip to the gym and an hour or so of vigorous activity can't stop this ache. I'm just going to have to walk it out...but not on a treadmill. No, some things you just have to let yourself feel.
Today makes me miss my friend, Anne, too. Thanksgiving was her day. The day she would have her whole family over and shine like only she could. I never could've imagined how dear she would become to me when we first met, but losing her was like losing a sister. Today, they will have their first Thanksgiving without her at the helm...my heart aches for them as well. We never dreamed that last Thanksgiving would be our last with the ones we loved so much.
Strangely though, amidst all the tears and heartache, I just find myself incredibly thankful today to have known and been loved by these two amazing people. I wouldn't bring them back here if I could because I know that what they are experiencing there is more amazing than anything I could ever imagine. Someday, I can go there and be with them again. But today, well today it just hurts really bad.
I am so thankful today for the people God has placed in my life for this season. People who bring me joy in the midst of sorrow. People who aren't afraid of my tears. People who can make me laugh. People who remind me to go on living.
It's okay to pause and remember. It's okay to hurt. But it is also okay to laugh and to begin to make new traditions.
Later today, the kids and I will go visit Jeff's grave. It's time to change the flowers out. He hated flowers...and would probably kill me for putting two (count them) urns on his grave. I decided to put two Christmas trees made out of old golf balls on there for the season. His old golf buddy, Mike, supplied me with lots of old golf balls and tees. My friend, Sara, and my kids helped with assembly. They are a little on the tacky side but they have Jeff all over them. (He would just be mad that I messed up that many balls!)
When we are through there, we will head to Bristol to spend the day with my family. I hope they are ready for my gusher tears...I pray that God dries them before I get there and make a blubbering fool of myself. Today, is going to be about making new memories. Spending time with my kids and family and friends.
Perhaps you have lost someone this year and today is hard for you. Or maybe you know someone that has lost someone and your heart aches for them. Can I just interject an idea... If you have lost someone, reach out today to others and let them help you. It is hard but it will help, I promise. If you know someone who has lost someone, reach out to them. Don't assume that they have someone or that you would be intruding on their space. Let them know that you are there and that you want to help. God gives us opportunities to comfort each other during sorrow. We have to make the effort.
And when you pause (and you should pause) to give thanks for all that God has blessed you with today, say a prayer for those who mourn, that they will be comforted.
When I pause today, it will have to be a very long pause. God has blessed me with more than I could list if I had a thousand years to list it. Everyday, He reminds me that His ways are greater than my ways...His plans are way better than mine. I don't understand it, but I trust it...and today I am so thankful for it.
Oh Lord, let my life be one of gratitude. One that is ever thankful for every blessing you bestow on me. Let me never take for granted another day, be it a holiday or not. Let my life be a reflection of Your nature. One that gives hope to a hurting world and confidence that You will always be with us. One that is thankful everyday, and not just once a year.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I say the same thing about putting flowers on Kenny's grave! I finally bought an Alabama football arrangement in hopes that he would be happy with that!!! LOL!
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