Stitches...leading to joy

I haven't written in a couple weeks...partly because I was busy traveling and working, partly because the words just wouldn't come.   But for whatever reason, sleep won't come tonight, so here I sit in front of my computer screen, doing what seems to help me and I'm told many others.

I seemed to have moved into a new stage of the grieving process.   I still miss Jeff terribly, but I've come to grips with the fact that the next time I see him will be in heaven.   I can now listen to his sermons and smile instead of weep.   I listened to a couple of his (very short) voicemails this week and actually laughed out loud.   To have been a preacher, he was not much for talking to a machine...I think his longest message was 8 seconds!  Thanks Babe!

I'm beginning to notice changes in the kids, too.   They still miss him, but they are more concerned now about living out what he taught them.   Everyday I see them getting closer to God...forging out a real, personal relationship with Him.

Tonight, we will go watch our oldest, Zac, in his first InCharacter production, "Happy Hollandaise".   Talking to him over the past few weeks is like talking to his dad in some ways.   He is diving into the Word...learning new scriptures every week.  And if he's anything like his dad, he'll be able to quote them to you ten years from now without missing a beat.   I know Jeff would be so proud.  The change is amazing

The marble slab on Jeff's grave reads, "You cannot change your past...but you can always change your future."   I think of how many times I heard him say that.   And now his son has grasped it...by turning to God, he is changing his future.   Gone is the life of depression and heartache that tried to get it's gnarly grips in him...now he is doing what he loves and preparing for a life rich in grace and mercy.


It's weird, because I feel like I'm moving to a new stage in grieving him, but I'm still in the early stages of grieving my friend, Anne.    Although, I must admit, every time I think of her and Jeff in heaven, I smile.   What a mess they must be!   If anyone ever tries to tell you that the steps of grief are linear...they are lying.   These steps are more like crochet stitches, I think.   Yes, you do make forward progress, but you are still gonna keep going back and forth throughout the whole thing.   Sometimes, you will feel like you are just being tied in knots!

Thanksgiving is just a couple weeks away.   I wish I could say I was looking forward to it...I'm not.   I'm gonna miss him raving about my Senator Russell Sweet Potato Casserole (with enough sugar to put one into a diabetic coma)!   I'll miss him watching football (or whatever sport he could find) while I put up the tree.   I'll miss Anne talking about fixing dinner for her family...we always made some of the dishes together ahead of time.   But I think hardest of all, will come on Friday.   I am gonna miss Black Friday shopping with my friend.

You see, for us it was never about the shopping.   We could've cared less about the deals or sales.   It was always about us spending time together.   Eating together, people watching, embarrassing our daughters, sipping on coffee drinks or hot chocolate...oh, and many times visiting the cemetary to make sure Boots grave had fresh flowers on it!   (Boots was Anne's aunt and was a true Southern lady...she left Anne in charge of making sure she had flowers!)

Most of the time, we'd come home with just a few knick knacks and whole lot of memories.   This year I will go with her daughter, Rebecca and Regan (Rebecca's friend who Anne treated like a daughter).    We are gonnna shop, and eat, and sip on coffee drinks and laugh.   Laugh.   Laugh.   Because that is important.   Anne would want us to laugh.   Jeff would want us to laugh.   So laugh we shall!

We will laugh and remember.   Then we'll probably cry some, too!   That's ok though, because tears have a way of healing hearts.   I can feel mine beginning to heal.   Oh, it will probably always ache to some degree, but slowly, surely healing is taking place.   Joy is coming...

I am reminded of a Psalm...65:8 "The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders; where morning dawns, where evening fades, you call forth songs of joy."   Evening is fading.   Morning is on the horizon.   Soon, God will call forth songs of joy.  Joy is coming!