To Chase the Dark Away...

The darkness of depression is a very real thing.   We are all vulnerable to it.  It can follow a great loss or it can come on the heals of victory.   Whether it has a traceable reason, like the death of a loved one or the loss of a job, or a clinical reason...it comes from the same source.  It comes from the enemy of your soul.  The one who longs to make your world so dark that you can no longer catch even a glimmer of light.

Depression isn't always visible.   Some of us are very good at covering or putting on a face that says, "I'm ok", when in reality, we are not.   Depression says that we cannot tell others what we are facing...only making the darkness darker and pulling us further from the light.

The past few days have been dim for me.   When I say that I am scrambling for the light, I'm not kidding.   It is something that I am having to fight to keep at bay.   The feelings of isolation...not belonging...insignificance...being invisible...lonely.   It has been as if as soon as I fight one issue, another pops up.  

I had this conversation with myself this morning...you don't belong here...no one would miss you if you were gone.   Not because anyone made me feel that way...that wasn't the case.   It was the enemy of my soul playing an isolation game with me.   He is trying his best to obscure the light and effectively keep me in the dark.

Here is something I know about darkness.   No matter how dark it gets, it only takes a little light to pierce it.  But if you can obscure the light by putting something in front of it, you can keep it dark.   I learned this when we lived in Minnesota and the Summer months would have days that went on forever.   I remember one night being outside and thinking it was only around 5 or 6, only to find out that it was 11:30pm!   We had to purchase room darkening blinds and obscure the light so it would stay dark in the house at night.  

So what does that have to do with depression?   If the enemy of your soul wants to keep you in the dark...he will do everything in his power to obscure the light.   He will use your circumstances, your hangups, your failures and your victories to effectively put a barrier between you and God.   He'll use your friends, your family, your church...whatever, he doesn't fight fair.   And all that hullabaloo about Christians never being depressed...well, that's just baloney!   I think we are sometimes even more vulnerable to it...we need to be aware!

This morning as I warred with this ensuing depression, I found myself agitated.   I felt lonely and insignificant.   I missed Jeff intensely and found myself quite irritated by others who still have their spouses, yet treat them with disdain.   All feelings that I am justified in feeling...people tell me all the time that its ok and that I should feel this way.  But it's those very feelings that obscure the light.   Those feelings put the focus on me or on my circumstances.  It is only when my focus shifts to the Light, that the darkness begins to lift.

I know I was not alone today in my feelings.   I see others struggling with the same darkness.  Perhaps that is why I feel so compelled to expose it...so that the Light will chase it away.   This morning during worship, I found myself broken and I began to just cry out to God.   In my heart, I realized that it is only in His presence that I am whole.   But staying in His presence isn't always easy.   It requires a commitment, much like my marriage did.   I had to commit to stay with Jeff McFalls...there were times when it would have been easier to leave...to just go to another place.   Honestly...there are times when I think leaving His presence would be easier.   It wouldn't be...that is just a trick of the enemy.  Making the grass on the other side look greener.   Blocking the light...intensifying the darkness.

But when I come into His presence, the darkness begins to fall away.  So far, it hasn't completely left...but it has lost its grip on me.   I trust that as I focus more on Jesus and spend more time in His presence, the darkness will become less and less powerful.  If part of the enemy's plan is to keep me in the darkness by telling me not to talk about it...then I will SHOUT it from the mountain top!   I refuse to keep quiet and silently watch others be sucked into the darkness.  If you find yourself uncomfortable reading this, I apologize, but I cannot be silent.  I'm turning on a light...and darkness, you will have to go.  Lord, Your presence is all I need.