Which Way?

It is no secret that my new husband, Mike, is completely different from my first husband, Jeff.   Jeff was a city boy, raised in Charlotte, NC.   He loved old rock and roll music and golf.   Mike, on the other hand was raised in Wakulla County, loves country music and hunting/fishing.   But there are some areas where they agreed.   They both shared a very conservative politcal view.   They shared a love for Jesus  and their family and they both have loved me better and more than I deserve.  I have learned so much from both men.  

Recently, Mike has been teaching me how to hunt.   I never thought about how much work it is, or about how much skill it takes.   I guess I just thought hunters were lucky...boy, was I wrong.   It is hard work, let me tell you!    So, as I am learning about all the things you have to do in order to have a successful hunt, I am amazed at the lessons God is teaching me about Him and about my walk with Him.    This is just one of those lessons...I'm sure there will be many.

Mike and his brother-in-law, Butch, are in a hunt club in a neighboring county.   The drive is about an hour, so they have to get up really early to get there before the deer start moving.   The area where they hunt is newly acquired land for the club so trails had to be cut in order for them to have access to the land.    This required weeks of preparation and hard work.   Once the trails were established, Mike took me over to see the place and help check the feeders, cameras and such.  

About 20 minutes in the forest and I couldn't have told you which way was West if my life had depended on it.   I mentioned this to Mike and of course he explained that you watch the position of the sun and other cues.    He walked through the land like it was our backyard...I on the other hand was as lost as lost can be.  

Along the way, I noticed that he would stop ever so often and stick a thumbtack into a tree.   He carefully put one on each side.   Strange...but he's the hunter, I'm just the observer.    When I could take it no more, I finally asked, "Why do you keep doing that?".    "I'm marking the trail", he replied.    With thumbtacks?   It was then that I commented that he probably didn't need trail markers...he was navigating the woods with ease as far as I could tell.

To my surprise, he said that was because it was daytime.    He then went on to tell me that these woods would look totally different at night...and without the help of these little thumbtacks, he would be as lost as I was.   Really?   How is a thumbtack going to help you at night?    Patiently, he showed me the back of the tacks...they were covered in a reflective material.   When a light was shined on the tack, it would glow white...lighting up the trail and keeping the hunter from getting lost.  In the darkness, we can easily become disoriented and lose our way...trail markers keep us on the right path and lead us out.

Wow!  Right then God spoke to my heart.    He pointed out to me that to others it may look like I can navigate this life with ease.    I've studied the Word and though I am no expert, I can find my way with a little effort.    I've recently come through some very hard days and others have commented on how easy I made it look.   But when the darkness fell on my life, I would have been completely lost were it not for the markers that had been set up earlier.    When my family seemed like it would be destroyed by a prodigal son, scriptures that I had hidden in my heart became my trail markers.    When our ministry came under attack, remembering the sufferings of Christ marked my way.   When Jeff was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my faith in God and His faithfulness to me lit up like stars in the sky.  

You see, the thumbtacks were of no good without the reflective backing.   And reflective backing is useless without something to reflect.   Every trial I have experienced, every disappointment, every failure, has become a trail marker.   Why?   Because God has been faithful in every one of them.   His faithfulness in my life reflects His character.    Ephesians 5:13 says, "But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light."     When God's light shines on the difficult places in my life, His light is reflected by His faithfulness there.

People have said to me, "I don't know how you did it" or "How did you survive?". It is only by the grace of God that I have been able to navigate the past few years.   It was His faithfullness marking my way and when the darkest of the darkness fell on my life, His light shone on each marker, showing me the path.   He is still placing markers in my life...not just for me, but for others who may come this way.   And one thing I am certain of, when His light shines upon them, the way will be clear for anyone looking.  

Thank you, Lord, for trail markers you have placed in my life.   Though I didn't understand at the time, I am now so thankful for every single one of them.   When the darkness seems suffocating and I feel lost and alone, I need only to let Your light illuminate my way.    

In the Dark Room

Have you ever been scrolling through Facebook when suddenly you see a photo that takes your breath away?   Or maybe you were walking through a hospital and a picture hanging on the wall made you wish you could just step into it...and out of the reality that you were currently in.   We've all seen those photos that we would deem masterpieces, whether it was a photo of your child or a place that you've longed to be.  

I recently had the honor of speaking to a group of ladies who are now where I once was...in the life of full time ministry.   I was given the topic of "Camera" and while preparing my sermon, God did what He always does...He spoke to my heart out of what I consider to be normal, everyday things.    I wanted to share part of that with you, today.

My love of photography began earlier than I can remember.    I have always loved cameras and asked for them as gifts when I was a little girl.   I would take photo after photo and couldn't wait to get them developed so I could see if they turned out the way I envisioned.

In college, I learned how to develop my own film, taking it into the darkroom and putting it through a series of processes so that it would come out as a photo.  The dark room isn't dark for no reason.  (I know that was a double negative but hang with me!)   There is a very important purpose for the darkness.   When I was trained in the dark room, I learned that exposing film to light at that point will absolutely ruin it.   It will be overexposed and completely blown (or white).   It will be useless.   

It is hard to see in the dark room, so I had to learn to trust what I knew.   I had already learned, in the light, where everything was placed in the dark room.    I knew where the table was that held the trays of chemical baths.   I knew what order those trays where in.   I knew where the drying place was.  I learned where the enlarger was and how to use it properly.   I learned where the safe light was so that I  could move around without injuring myself and I learned when it was ok for me to use the safe light. When the lights go out in the dark room, familiarity is most necessary!  

There have been many times in my life when I felt I was in a dark room of sorts.   Perhaps the most memorable was when Jeff was diagnosed with cancer and when he passed away.   It was during those times that I felt as if the world around me was a giant darkroom and I questioned why God would let me go into such a dark place.   I now know that He was developing a masterpiece...something that would stir desire in those who would later behold it.

In the dark room, light sensitive material is developed and turned into something beautiful.   Light sensitive material.   That's me.   I've been exposed to "the Light" and "the Light" has left His mark on me.   My exposure to the Light was wonderful and fun!   I compare it to those mountain top experiences.   Those times when you can feel God so near and you know He is real.   For me, those times are powerful, yet brief.   Perhaps that is because God knows that prolonged exposure would be too much for me to take...it would ruin me.   

Once in the dark room, the marks that came from the Light can be developed, resulting in a beautiful image.   In this dark place, I begin to look at the film with an enlarger.   It moves the image from film (that hard to see and not useful for actually viewing the image), to a base that is used for making prints (allowing us to view a finished product).   Depending on the type of film I've used, safe lights can sometimes be used.   When developing black and white film, you can use a red or amber light to see your way around.  However, when developing color film, one must remain in absolute darkness to preserve full color.   I believe that is the way life is.   Sometimes, it is dark but we can still see a little...we can find our way around in the dark and yet God brings a beautiful picture out in the end.   But sometimes, the developing process will require absolute, pitch black darkness, because what God is developing is something that will be in living color.   Vibrant and rich, but only after absolute darkness.   

Philippians 1:6 says this, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."   In the amplified Bible it is worded like this, "he will continue until the day of Jesus Christ (right up to the time of His return), DEVELOPING (that good work) and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you."   God is developing something in me that requires time in the darkest of rooms in order to be what He has envisioned it to be.   

He required that His own Son go to the dark room...did you know that?   Take a look at Matthew 3:17.    Jesus has just been baptized by John the Baptist and look what God says..."This is My Son, My Beloved, in Whom I delight!"...but then look at the very next verse!  Matthew 4:1, "Then Jesus was led(guided) by the (Holy) Spirit into the wilderness (desert) to be tempted (tested and tried) by the devil.   **pindrop silence**   Did you hear that?   God led Jesus (the same One He had just declared to be His BELOVED SON) into the wilderness.   He led Him into the "dark room".   He took Him to a dark place so that He could develop something in Him.   He didn't lead Him there because He was displeased with Him or to punish Him.  In fact it was the opposite...He was developing a masterpiece!

Sometimes we cannot make sense of the dark room.   It's dark after all and it is scary.   But God leads us there, so He can work on us.  So that He can develop what He has already begun in us.   Sometimes, He will allow a safe light...be thankful for those times...but sometimes, the masterpiece He has in mind is so colorful and vibrant, it requires absolute darkness for development.  Sometimes, when the darkness is so thick that we can't see His hand, we have to trust it.   It is during those times that we must remember the things we learned about the dark room when were able to see it in the light.   We must trust the things we learned in the light...we must trust the scriptures that we learned, the experiences we had in a previous encounter.   Sometimes we must fully rely on our memory of what the "Light" has taught us in order to be able to navigate the dark room.  

We must trust that God has a purpose for the dark room.   That just like Christ, being led there is for our good and for a greater purpose, not for our demise.   Are you in a dark room today?   Take courage if you are!!   God has you there so that soon, when He is finished developing you, He can reveal a colorful masterpiece!   One that incites oohs and aahs from those who behold it.    One that leaves others breathless as they take in the masterpiece God has created!!

Oh Lord, help me to never despise the dark room.  Help me to fully trust you there.   And when you are done, reveal Your masterpiece in me!

Mowing the Grass

I did something yesterday that I haven't done in over thirteen years.   I mowed the grass!  I know, doesn't seem exciting at all...unless, you haven't been able to do it because your health wouldn't let you.    You see, in July of 2002, I found myself in an ICU unit, fighting for my life.    The adult onset of asthma not only took me by complete surprise, it drastically altered my life.   Things that I had always done with ease, I no longer could do at all.   Every breath was a chore...especially in Florida heat and humidity.   But yesterday morning, when my hardworking husband went out to take care of our yard, I asked how I could help.    When he suggested that I could mow the grass,  I almost declined out of habit...but then I thought, well, maybe I can.   God has blessed me with better health and although I still have asthma, it is under control.    Long story short, I found myself on a lawnmower, mowing the grass while Mike, pruned, edged, weeded and took care of the rest of the yard.

It occurred to me, during that venture, that there are some similarities between worship and mowing the grass.   I know...my brain doesn't work like the normal person, just hang with me!   So I am riding in the hot sun, around in circles. and God begins to show me some things about worship.    Riding that mower was hard work...sometimes worship is, too.   Sometimes we don't feel like worship.   I believe the American church, for the most part, doesn't even understand what worship is, so anything we have to work for doesn't seem right.   If we have to get dirty and sweaty, then it's just too hard and many times we move on to somewhere that worship seems to come more easily.   Who ever told us that serving our God was supposed to be comfortable?

Riding that mower was also fun and rewarding...likewise with worship.  Can I tell you that it is usually in the most uncomfortable moments that I find myself needing intimacy with God more than ever.   When I push into His presence, I find that it is sweeter and more sustaining than ever.   Those times are precious and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Mowing is necessary...so is worship.  We recently were away from our home for two weeks (during which it must have rained every day!)   When we returned, we found our yard in dire need of a trim!   I'm sure our neighbors felt the urgency of our yard's need as well!   See, if we just let it go, it becomes overgrown with weeds and grass.   The surrounding properties are then at risk, too, to weeds traveling to their yards.   Do you know that when a Christian neglects opportunities for worship, weeds of doubt and discontent begin to grow in their lives.   Other weeds, such as jealousy, rage and anger will also quickly begin to sprout.   Before long our lives are so full of nasty "weeds" that they pour over to those around us.   All because we refused to do this one thing that we were created to do...worship our Lord and Savior!

I hopped right on a lawn mower and mowed my yard...why?   Because my wonderful  husband had prepared the mower for me.    Someone had to make sure the blades were in working order, the oil had been changed, the tank was full of gas, etc.   When I enter into worship, whether it is at church or at home, there is preparation that has to be done.   My heart must be prepared.   I have to fix my mind on the Lord and many times, that means repairs or at least maintenance has to be done on my mind.   When I am at church, there is a whole list of preparations that take place in order for a worship service to happen.  The praise team has to practice,   The technical team has to be ready.  The pastor has to prepare a sermon (they don't usually just roll that off the top of their head ya know!).   Someone has to keep the nursery so we can hear that sermon and be able to concentrate on what the pastor is saying.   And the list goes on and on.   Sometimes worship seems spontaneous, but I promise you that without preparation spontaneous worship rarely occurs.   And preparation is hard work.   Whether I am preparing my heart for worship at home or attending a worship service at church...preparation is a must.

After spending a few minutes on that mower, the jungle in our yard had been tamed once again and beauty was restored.    That's what happens when we worship Jesus Christ!   He tames the weeds...cuts them down, and beauty is restored to our lives.   Worshiping Christ is what we were created to do.   And when we do it, it is beautiful.    It is attractive.   It draws attention.   It makes others want to stop and take notice.   Oh Lord, let my worship be genuine.   Let it be attractive to those I come in contact with.   Not that they would want to come gawk at me, but that they would be drawn to you.   And thank you, Lord, for the priviledge of getting to mow my grass!

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks." -- John 4:23

Editor's note:   I actually wrote this a couple of weeks ago but didn't post right away because  it wasn't finished.   Tonight, God kept me awake until I finally submitted to come finish writing this entry.   Not sure why it didn't flow completely the first time, but tonight it was easy.  Must have been God's timing...I'll trust that every time!

Treasuring the Moment...

This has been a most amazing Summer.   It has been full of emotion and adventure.   We have been blessed to be able to do the things we have done, to have seen all that we've seen.   Blessed to have time together as a family.   Blessed beyond measure.

We spent the first part of our Summer working at a camp.   The work was hard and long.   We were so exhausted some nights that we just fell into bed, but it was all worth it.   We were very thankful to be able to spend time with family and work together.   Having worked the same camp last year, all by myself, I was especially grateful to have Mike and the kids alongside me.

When camp was over for us, we set out on an adventure.   Off to our Nation's Capitol to see things I'd only read about in history books until now.   This trip would be an emotional one for Mike especially, since just last year he, Anne and Rebecca made an almost identical journey.   Neither of us understand why things happened the way they did, or why God put us together...but we are grateful for a second chance to live and love.    I think we both try very hard to cherish every moment.    Even those moments when we were driving through South Carolina and it seemed that the RV would come apart at the seams!   In SC, it appears they have chosen lower gas prices over road repair!   To my friends who live there...hope you have good shocks!

In Washington, we visited many of the memorials and museums, both of us very aware of the fact that this time last year, Anne was here.   I can't tell you how much I miss her.   She was that friend that I didn't have to say things to...she could read my mind...and I could hers.   And usually, just a look was enough to send us both into a fit of laughter.   When I met her, nearly 16 years ago, I had no  idea the profound impact she would have on my life.  Lord, I miss my friend.

And missing her, always makes me question how in the world Mike and I have ended up married and enjoying each other so much.   It's a question I can't answer...I just know that every day we miss Anne and Jeff, yet every day we love each other more and more.   It's just another area of my life where I have to trust God and know that His plan is perfect...even when we can't understand it.  

I have been so blessed to have two wonderful husbands.   Wonderful, yet completely different.   I used to think they were just alike...hard headed, strong willed, great leaders, strong personalities..but that's probably where the similarity ended.   Jeff loved to read but couldn't fix anything (he would tell you that!).   We often joked about how I fixed anything that broke around the house and the kids wouldn't even come tell him...they knew he would have to call for help!  Yet this man would've have given his very life for me and the kids.   He was stern  at times, but was always tender and loving with me and the kids.   He wouldn't mince words when it came to the Word of God.   He lived what he preached.  He taught me more than I can say about love, faith and life.    Life without him will never be the same, but I am thankful for this new life I have been given.

Mike, unlike Jeff, can fix anything!   I've never seen anyone like him.    We joke that if he can't fix it, it must not be broken!  While on this trip, I have been amazed by how gifted he is and how nothing stumps him.    He's not a big reader but there is a wealth of information in that head of his...the whole time we were in DC, he spurted facts like a trained museum curator.  We didn't need a tour guide, we had a Mike!   But more than that, I am amazed by the tender way he loves me.   He is a role model for young men on "how to treat your wife".   He's not perfect but in my book he is pretty close.
He drove hundreds of miles out of the way so I could see some dear friends that he knew I "needed" to spend a day with.   It would've been much easier to just come home, but he made plans to take us to Nashville and get there in time to do a little touring.    Some may not appreciate this, but I know the sacrifices he makes for me.   I am so thankful for him.

Our trip is now drawing close to an end and soon the Summer will be over.   I am so thankful for it.
I've learned to treasure every moment.   For me to say that and then not live it would be tragic.   I want to be more conscious of  what I am doing with my time.   How much do I give God?   How much do I give those I love?   How much do I give social media?   Lord, help me to unplug from the things that don't matter and plug into the things that do.   Remind me when I forget.   Help me treasure every moment.
 

Identity Change

Lately, things have been changing in my life.   My last name changed, now my business name needs to change.   My place of residence changed.  My title has changed.  My interests have changed.    Some changes have come because of choices I made and some, well, are just part of life.

This past weekend, Mike and Abbi and I went on a little camping trip.   Mike has a new bass boat (that he bought me for Mother's Day) and wanted to try it out so we decided to go fishing on Lake Seminole.    When we arrived it was raining but not too hard, so we (Mike and I), took the boat out  to break it in.   Well, what good is a bass boat, if you can't do a little fishing from it?  So, of course, we had to do some fishing while we were out there.    It was during that rainy little fishing venture, that my sweet husband decided to post this picture of me on social media.   Some of my friends giggled at the sight of me in camo, fishing in the rain.   They thought they'd never see the day.   They didn't know that I grew up fishing with my granddaddy.    I can bait a hook...I just don't want to take any fish off the line once I catch it!   

You see, when I met Jeff McFalls, I had an identity change.    Not that I didn't still love the things I grew up with...just that I loved him more and began to love what he loved.    I had grown up on Southern Gospel and Country music...he couldn't stand either.   For him it was Rock and Roll, and the harder the better.    Slowly, my taste in music changed.   My interests changed.   As I fell in love with him, I wanted to love what he loved.   My identity changed.   I became a pastor's wife.   I became a mother.  Everything about my life changed...I was still Libby, but I was not the same.   Then, when he drew his last breath...my life changed again.   I was no longer Jeff McFalls' wife.  No longer a pastor's wife.   No longer married to a man who loved golf.   Soon, I would realize that many of my roles were changing.   My identity was changing again. Not that my indenity was in being a pastor's wife...but because I loved being Jeff's wife and I loved being in the ministry, it was very hard for me to delineate where one role ended and another began.   It had just become who I was.  

For months I struggled with this, though I admitted it to few.   I felt lost.   Like my idenity had been stolen.   Completely stripped of almost everything I knew me to be.  I struggled to create a new identity.  All the time knowing that my true identity was in Christ but having a very hard time finding my place within His Body.   

And then He sent Mike into my world.  That seems so weird to say, since we had been good friends for years,  but without a doubt, a veil was lifted from my eyes when the time was right.   Now, I find my identity is changing again.   Now, I am Mike Stewart's wife.   Though Mike and Jeff were great friends, and on many levels they were similar, Mike is not Jeff.    He is wonderful in many different ways.   He is a country boy.   He loves fishing and hunting.  He loves country music.  He loves working in the yard and taking care of our home.   And I love him.   So, I love what he loves.   I love to hear the excitement in his voice when we walk into Bass Pro or a Tractor Supply Store.  I love that he wants to share all that with me.   It's not a complete change... he is devoted to God and our church.    He is a devoted father.   So not everything in my life is changing...but the change is noticeable.    

I no longer find my identity in a ministry, though I still consider myself a minister...just in a different way.   I no longer find my identity in my children...I know that they will soon be all on their own and if my identity is wrapped up in them I will again experience great loss when they are independent.   I don't even find my identity in my husband...although he has reshaped much of what makes me me.  My identity, that which makes me who I am, is found in Christ.   It is in Him that I find the courage to face the hardships life sends my way.   It is in Him that I find the creativity that brings me such fulfillment and joy.   In Him I find the freedom to experience things I've only dared to dream.   And in Him, I find the ability to love a man who is the most precious gift I could have asked for.   I didn't even know that I could ask for a love like this.   I thought my chances for love were all gone and past tense,  but God had a different plan for me.   A new identity.  A fresh identity.   One that I didn't earn, it was given to me and I am beyond thankful for it.   

Yes, I have a new name.   Thanks to Mike, I have some new interests.   But I will not burden him with the weight of my identity being in him.   Nor would I want his identity to be in me.   No, instead we will both let our indentity be in Christ.   As we explore all that God has for us as a couple, God will reshape our identity.   He will make us who He wants us to be.   

Unspeakable Sorrow

Normally, my posts are upbeat for the most part.   As much as I want this one to be, my heart is completely broken tonight.   Let me first clarify that everything is fine between Mike and I... yet, I am overwhelmed with sorrow tonight.   Sorrow, because it wasn't supposed to be this way.  

Jeff was supposed to be here to watch his children become all that we had dreamed and prayed for.  He was supposed to be here to see our church completed.    He was supposed to grow old with me.  He wasn't supposed to get cancer.   He wasn't supposed to die.   Neither was Anne.   I miss them both...in different ways, but I miss them so bad.  Sometimes, I wish God had taken me instead.  

Please don't get me wrong.  I am so thankful for the second chance God has given me with Mike.   He is a wonderful man and more than I am worthy of.  The love that we share is amazing and more than either of us ever hoped to experience again in life.   Most days, this grief doesn't overwhelm me, but tonight it is killing me.   I read stories of others who have been healed and I just can't wrap my mind around why God didn't heal Jeff or Anne.  I don't want to be jealous of others' healing, but why didn't God heal them?

I know I am not the only one to ever feel this pain...many have felt it even deeper.   I just wish that I could get a glimpse God's reasoning here.   This makes no sense to me.   I understand the writer of Psalms 42's anguish tonight..."Why, my soul, are you so downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?..." That is exactly where I am...downcast, disturbed, heartbroken, crushed.   The writer goes on to say, "Why have You forgotten me?  Why must I go on mourning?"  I've never understood this passage like I do tonight.   I feel forgotten...trapped in sorrow.  

I can visualize this writer talking to himself...telling, no. commanding himself to "put your hope in God for yet will I praise Him, my Savior and my God."   I can see it...because I'm there tonight.  Commanding myself to "put my hope in God..."   I wish I could tell you that I "feel" like putting my hope in Him...but  I don't.    Tonight, I only feel sorrow as my eyes are swollen and my nose is running.   Yet I praise Him...not because I "feel" like it.   But because I know in Him I can find hope and nowhere else.  

Tonight I praise Him, even though I don't understand Him.   I praise Him and I choose to put my hope in Him.   He will dry my tears.   He will hold me through the night.   He will soothe my broken heart and help me get back to joy.   I will put my hope in Him.

Brave

I had the oddest feeling this morning.   I was compelled to write, yet the words haven't come...I can only pray that as I am obedient and begin to write, God will send inspiration and give me words.   I have just completed a very full weekend of speaking for a women's conference and I am still on somewhat of a high from all that I witnessed God accomplishing.  

The conference team was amazing, from the setup, to the dramas, to the worship team...all was done with excellence.   And God showed up as I trusted He would do.   Every morning since then, I've awoken with a certain song on my mind.    "You Make Me Brave", by Amanda Cook and Bethel Music is a song that the praise team sang during the weekend.   I cannot get it out of my head.

I want to share some of the lyrics with you, but I encourage you to look this song up if you've never heard it...it is powerful.   I believe that God has been continually feeding my soul through this song for the past several days.

"As Your love, in wave after wave

Crashes over me, crashes over me

For you are for us

You are not against us

Champion of Heaven

You made a way for all to enter in"

In wave after wave...that is exactly what I have experienced over the past year.    Yes, I've talked about grief coming in waves, but perhaps I have not completely expressed how God's love has equally come in waves.    It is as if every time a wave of grief comes, His love comes in as well and washes the grief away.     It crashes over me...not to crush me but it comes with force so that I am fully aware of it's presence in my life.    "For you are for us, You are not against us"... I cannot even tell you how many times I've had to remind myself of that promise throughout this journey.    Satan has tried his best to make me think that God is against me, but he is a liar...God is not against me!  He has made a way for all to enter in through His son, Jesus Christ.   

Between mourning the loss of Jeff and mourning the loss of Anne, I do feel like the waves of grief come violently at times and far too close together.    Jeff has been gone a little over a year and we celebrated his birthday just a couple of weeks ago.   Today, marks the 6 month anniversary of Anne's passing and her birthday is just around the corner.   Later this week, Mike and I will help with the annual NJROTC Dining In.   This will be the first one we've done as husband and wife and the first without Anne (Jeff passed just a few days before last years' dinner).   It will be a tidal wave of emotion, I am sure...yet we are promised that God's love will also crash over us in wave after wave.   I will hold on to that.

"You make me brave

You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

You make me brave

You make me brave

No fear can hinder now the promises You made."

Have you ever felt called to something that was far beyond what you thought you were capable of?   If not, then perhaps you've never heard God calling.   He continually calls us beyond the shore...the safe place...the place where we can stand on our own, in our own power.    He calls us into the waves...waves of grief, waves of helplessness, waves of desperation.    

Sometimes, from the shore, the deep looks appealing.   It is where we long to go...however the cost of going deep is high so many choose to stay along the shore where it is safe.    Going deep means taking risk.   You could get hurt...you could drown.   I get a mental picture of my life as I sing this song...

You make me brave, You make me brave.   I see myself in the shallow end of Christianity, asking God to take me deeper but not wanting to step away from the security of the shoreline.   It sounds good, until you have to take that step.   For me, Jeff's battle with cancer was that step...it was what pulled me away from the shore and caused me to go to the deep places in my spiritual walk.    Once I was away from the shore, the waves of grief and sorrow began to swell around me.  At times, they crashed around me so violently that I thought I would surely drown.   

But God is good...He has been faithful to replace the waves of grief and sorrow with waves of love.   So if I drown, I drown in His love.  And I am reminded of Psalms 89:9, "You rule over the surging sea, when the waves mount up, you still them".  The waves that He sends not only cover me in love, they wash away the grief, the sorrow, the pain, the fear.   And when I can stand it no more (and God knows that point better than I) I can trust that He will still the waves.

I love the last line of this song...No fear can hinder now the promises You made.  No fear!   For someone who has dealt with fear her whole life, that reminder that He has set me free from fear is priceless.   No fear!  Not the fear of failure, not the fear of loss, not the fear of cancer or heartache, nor the fear of the future can hinder now the promises He has made.    As in Romans 4:21, I am "fully persuaded that God has the power to do what He promised."    I am persuaded that His love is crashing over me even today...and perfect love casts out all fear.    As I continue to mourn the loss of those I loved, God is faithful and continues to wash over me with waves of love.  Thank you, God, for the promises You have made me.   Promises that I can cling to when waves of grief and despair hit.    Promises that  are true, not empty.    Help me Lord, to declare Your goodness in everything I do...in word and in deed.   And Lord, hear my cry, Make me brave!

One Year...

One year.   365 days.   This has been the longest one of my life.   In some respects, it flew by...but not when it came to missing Jeff.   One year has seemed more like ten.   So much has changed.   Zac is now in InCharacter and pursuing his life calling.  Doran has graduated from high school and is now in college.  Abbi is now in high school and learning to drive.   And I have remarried an amazing man.

This month, if all goes well, we will close the sale of the house that we spent the last 15 years in.   A bittersweet moment, I'm sure.   Many days, I look at my life and ask, "How did I get here?".    By God's divine hand, that's how.   There is no other explanation for where I am today.

I remember saying to myself about this time last year, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...blessed be the name of the Lord."   I had know idea, at the time, what God had in store for me.   I was scared but still determined to glorify God.   I knew even then that God had not abandoned me and that somehow He would see me through.

I couldn't have dreamed how He would bless me, nor that He would do it so quickly.   When Jeff McFalls drew his last breath at 8 pm one year ago, my heart broke.   It  was shattered in a way that I was certain could never be repaired.   I was scared out of my wits...how would I survive without him?  But then I remembered who my faith was in.   It has been a hard year.  Losing Jeff and all the changes that brought was very hard.

At times, I have questioned God.   Yes...I have.   Why would He take him?   Why do others get healed when he didn't?  Why did my heart have to be broken over and over?   My questions didn't offend God...but He didn't have to answer them either, and He didn't.

But He didn't leave me either.   Sometimes it feels like He is a million miles away...but He's not.   If you are a Christ-follower, He is always by your side.   He heard every prayer, wiped every tear.   Not a single thought got by Him.

He has been so faithful to me and blessed me so much that at times I feel guilty for all that I've received.   I've been so blessed this year to see all three of my children grow in the Lord.   I wish Jeff could've seen  it.   He would've been so proud of them.   We often talked about how much we wanted to see them all serving God and were actually jealous of others who seemed to have perfect kids.   Can I just tell you that God is faithful...you can bank on His promises.   He will finish His work.  I've experienced it first hand.

And now God has blessed me with an amazing new husband.  He is tender and attentive to me.   We have both experienced great loss in the past year and we look at things much differently now.   Things that used to matter, don't matter so much anymore.   And the things that used to occupy our time, we now realize can wait...family is much more important.   I believe that God has taught us both, and many who've watched us, that He is faithful and that if we will simply trust Him, He has a plan for us that will blow our minds.

This time last year, my heart was shattered into a million pieces.   I remember going home to my bed and trying to sleep that first night.   I laid down on his side, where I could smell him.   I cried all night long...it would only be the first of many nights to come.   The pain was great...but I trusted God to redeem the pain.   And He has proven Himself faithful once again.   The pain that I have experienced and the pain that Mike has experienced, has driven us to God and in His mercy He has used it to draw us together.

See, God takes broken pieces and makes a beautiful masterpiece with it.   The breaking is no fun...but it is not by chance.   God had a purpose for every struggle we have faced...He is redeeming the pain.   It is not for loss.   It is to give us an avenue to touch others and help them  find their way to Him.

I am a blessed woman.  I know I say that often, but I genuinely mean that.   I am humbled by the volume of blessings He has bestowed on me and continues to pour out freely.   I pray that as time continues to pass, God will continue to reveal new ways that He can use Mike and I to minister to others.    That He will help us to love each other without reservation and demonstrate to others the mercy and the glory of God.

I am thankful to have been loved by two men...friends who in some ways were very much alike but in others, polar opposites.   I am blessed...I am loved...I have a future.   Someday, we will all be together again...and what a day that will be.   Until then, we will love each fiercely and be about doing all that God entrusts us to do.   Every day counts.   Make the most of every moment.

Transformed tears...from sorrow to joy

It's been over a month since my last post.   So much has changed in my life...at times it feels like a dream.   I have learned to accept that God's plan for me is bigger and better than my mind is capable of comprehending.

We are now approaching the one year anniversary of Jeff's promotion to heaven.   In someways, it  is like retracing your steps.    I find myself remembering tiny details that until now were hidden away deep in my memory.    I remember every doctors appointment leading up to the one that shredded my hope of him beating that horrible disease.    Hearing those awful words and look on our doctor's face.   Yet even then, I held on to hope that he would be healed.

I now understand the look that people gave me as I fought desperately for my husband's survival.   It wasn't pity, but it fell short of hope.   People wanted to believe...they just couldn't.   They wanted to have faith...but they couldn't.

I was hoping our miracle would be the one that would help others believe.   God's plan was so much bigger than what I could imagine.   It wasn't what I would've planned...not the way I thought it should play out, but it was God's plan.   And His plan is always better...if we can ever understand that, it will change our faith.

You see, my plan on this day a year ago, was for Jeff to be healed miraculously on this side of heaven.    It was for us to go on living life as we knew it.   To continue being a pastor's wife...to keep on loving him... to see our children raised and someday enjoy our grandchildren.   That was what I had visions of one year ago today.

My plan, however, was only days away from being shattered.    And though the "right" answer was to say, "God's way is higher (or better) than my way", I couldn't say it.    I couldn't.    I remember driving down the road, listening to Christian radio, and the song, "Even if the healing doesn't come" came on.   I became furious!   What do You mean, "if it doesn't come"?   For me, that was not an option and I remember turning the radio off and shaking my fist at God...He'd better heal him...that was my mindset.    I had no concept of the depth I was about to be taken to.

God had an AHA moment in store for me, but first He would lead me out into deep waters...very, very deep.    This place had the potential to drown me...to pull me under and choke the life out of me.   That was the potential...but it was not the intent.  

As I walked through those final days last year, I couldn't imagine how God could use me with no Jeff in the picture.    I saw my marriage ending.   I saw my love ending.   I saw my family ending.   I saw my ministry ending.   Oh, if only I could've seen what God was seeing.

His faithful servant was about to win the prize he had worked so hard for.    Anyone who knew Jeff, knew that as much as he loved his family, friends and church, he loved God more.    He did everything he did here, so that more of us could join him there.    He longed for the day that he could be with Jesus and he made no bones about that.  

And all those endings that I saw...they were commas, not periods.   They were pauses, transitions even...into something more amazing than I could fathom.   He wanted to bring me into something new.   But in order to get me there, He would have to take me through the deep.

Now, one year later, I look at my life.    I have a new marriage.   I know that is strange for some people...but God had it planned long before we even noticed each other.    For two people to have been such close friends and never even had a thought about each other romantically...then to have that change overnight to a deep and passionate love, it could only be the work of God.    Somehow, out of the depth of our sorrow, God unfolded an amazing gift and gave us each other.     We have a new love.  One that is deeper and more passionate than either of us have ever experienced.   I believe we love each other with more determination and zeal because we now understand how fragile life is and how precious every moment is.  We will not waste a moment.

I have a new family...now, in addition to my three children, I have an amazing new daughter.   One who I already loved as if she was mine...and now she is.   Now I get to enjoy her on a whole new level, and soon, I'll have a son-in-law...and someday, grandbabies to love and spoil!!!!

And I have a new ministry.   Not one that I ever would have imagined.   I don't think I would have signed up for it.   It's not the one that I trained for in college...well, maybe in someways it is, but definitely not what I thought I was training for.    It is a much more practical ministry...more hands on.   It is now one that allows God to just use me as He sees fit.   No formulas.   No strategizing.   No trying to measure up to man's expectation.   Only being available, in the moment...wherever and whenever God sees fit.   And then just being awed by how He does it!

He has taken me deeper this year.   He has traded my sorrow for joy.  He has blessed me far more than I could imagine and so much more than I deserve.

Over the next few days, I will continue to post memories.   I will remember.   There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember all that Jeff McFalls was in my life.    But God has transformed my tears.    Tears that were once full of sorrow are now full of joy.    Not because I no longer miss him, but because I understand that He is in the presence of Jesus and there is where he always wanted to be.    And God has made my life full again.   He has given me all things I thought He was tearing away from me...he was only making them richer.  

What is it that you feel like God is ripping from you now?   Can you find a way to trust Him?   I promise, He will give you something better than you can imagine, if only you will let Him.   Trust Him...His plan is amazing!

He makes all things new...

Several days of deep cleaning a house that I spent the last 15 years in and inhaling dust as I thumbed through old photo albums has taken it's toll on me and I find myself awake with a sinus attack at 1:30 am.   So what do I do?   Well, writing always makes me feel better so I retreated with my laptop to a dark corner of the living room to type out a few thoughts.

Here is what is on my heart tonight.   He makes all things new!   As I laid in bed, next to my new husband and just listened to him breathe, I thought about where I was this time last year.   I was laying in bed, next to my first husband, begging God to spare his life and thanking God for the wonderful man He had blessed me with.   Things didn't work out the way I planned.   Jeff didn't get healed on this side of heaven.   The grief that would follow was the heaviest thing I've ever carried and many times I wondered if it would crush me completely.

The months that followed Jeff's death were the darkest days of my life.   Then, when I saw the signs in my friend's eyes...I knew her time was coming, too.    It seemed that God had a vendetta for me.   First, He had taken my husband.   Now, He was taking my closest friend.    My grief compounded as her struggle came to an end.   How would I possibly get through this again?

But God had a plan.   I do not understand it.   I still cannot fully get my mind around it.   But I trust it.

God has made my life new again.   He has taken what was completely crushed and broken, and He has crafted something beautiful and valuable with it.   He has given me a new family...not one to replace the old, but one that compliments the old.   He has made the old new.

When Mike and I realized that God was putting us together as more than friends, we both were dumbfounded.   Neither of us expected anything more than friendship and for God to turn what we had into romantic love seemed impossible.   But God makes all things new.   He turned our grief and our brokeness into something beautiful and new.

Tonight, a year later, I lay in bed.   Next to my husband.   My new husband.   I placed my hand on him and began to pray over him as he slept.  I thanked God for the man he is.   God has made him new, too.   I thanked God for this man who is patient with me.   This man who fears God and loves Him.  This man who loves me, both with passion and with tender patience.   This man who loves my children and the rest of my family.  This man who is wise and good and hardworking and honest.    He has worked so hard for the past week...not because it is profitable for him...he has done it all for me.   He has sacrificed for me.   Sacrificial love.    Something I am not sure either of us were truly capable of a few years ago.   Now, we have been made new.

Our "light and temporary trials", although they seemed heavy and infinite at the time, have now been made new.   God has turned those struggles into something that only He could envision.   And He isn't finished.   That's the amazing part.   He is still making us new.    He is still unfolding an amazing plan that we couldn't handle if He showed it to us all at once.

I don't know what you are going through.   But no matter how dark or heavy it seems, remember that God will make it new.   It won't be the way you expect.   No, His plan if far better than what you can imagine.   Just hold on.   I promise, God will make all things new.   And when He does, you, like me, will be speechless...in awe of His wonder.   You can trust Him...He is trustworthy and true!

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”   Revelation 21:5

Morning has Come...

When I began this blog, one of the promises I made was to tell the whole story.   I promised to be real.  Many of you have read every blog and often commented on how that particular blog post may have touched you.  Although I in no way believe this story is over, and I have every intention to continue writing until God releases me to stop, today will begin a new chapter for me and my family.

Had you shown me, at the beginning of this story, how it would play out, I am quite sure I would have sabotaged God's plan for my life.   I am certain that I would have tried to reason with myself and would have talked myself out of ever believing that God could have such an amazing plan for my life.  It is the stuff fairy tales are made of.

If you have followed my blog, then you have heard me talk about my friend, Anne, who passed away with cancer last year.  Anne and Mike were some of our dearest friends.    They were the kind of friends that we knew would have our backs no matter what.   Those kind of friends don't come along everyday.   To lose one in the same year I lost my husband seemed so unfair and cruel.   In the days after Anne's death, I struggled with anger against a God who would take everything I held dear away. He had taken my beloved husband, and then He took my precious friend who was as dear to me as a sister.

On our way home from the doctor, on the day we learned that Jeff's time was very short, he said we had to go tell Mike and Anne.   They were scheduled to leave the next morning for Moffit in Tampa, fighting a battle of their own.   Jeff insisted that we go tell them face to face...he needed to see his friends one last time.   It would be the last time he would see them and be able to talk with them.  That night, they wept with us.   As we left, Jeff looked Mike in the eye and said, "Please, take care of my family."   Just a few days later they returned to say goodbye to him in the Hospice House.   He was already comatose and entered Heaven just hours later.

Months passed and Anne's health began to decline as well.   I saw the signs in early October but refused to believe that God would take her.   I begged Him to spare my friend.  I remember one particular night...a night that I wrote a blog about but have yet to publish it...when my pain was so raw and I begged God to let me trade places with Anne.   My husband was already in heaven...I begged Him to take my life and to spare hers.    It was not to be.  Just a couple of weeks later, I held her hand and sang to her as she stepped from this life into the presence of her Savior.   Again, my heart was crushed.   Sorrow seemed as if it would stay forever.   During our last conversation, Anne had looked me in the eye and asked me to make sure her daughter had the perfect wedding and to take care of her family.

I don't know if either of them knew...but I think perhaps they did.

After Anne's death, Mike grieved hard.   She had been concerned about him losing faith in God, and had asked me to help him find his way.   Honestly, I had no idea how to go about doing that appropriately so I asked our church friends to make sure he wasn't alone too much.   Down time is stifling when you are grieving...staying busy really does help.   Occasionally he would text me and ask for prayer or just a "How do you survive this?".   I would text him scripture as the Lord laid him on my heart.  Neither of us had an inkling as to what God had in store for us.

I'm not even sure how it came to be but somehow the text messages lead to a couple of face to face conversations.   Lots of tears, from him and from me and lots of coffee!   And somehow, in the middle of our grief and talking about how we could glorify God in the midst of it...we fell in love.   Neither of us know exactly when or how it happened.   Still God confirmed it in our hearts immediately.   There was no waffling or wondering if this was really love or just loneliness.   We knew.   We just knew.   Somehow, God, in the midst of our grief, removed a veil from our eyes.   For the first time, we saw each other a different way.   We were given a precious gift.   A gift that only God could give.   A gift that we couldn't understand but made a decision to open it anyway.

I have to tell you, the thought of falling in love with my best friend's husband was as ludicrous as anything I had ever heard.   How could I possibly fall for him?  It didn't make sense.   He was having the same struggle.   How could he fall for his friend's wife?  Neither of us expected it or saw it coming...no, this one could only be fathomed by the Creator of love...the one who knows the beginning from the end.

Confirmation after confirmation began to pour in.  A friend whom I hadn't seen in over a year, dreamed about us specifically.   Another one called and gave me a word from the Lord that described Mike to a "T".   Another one let me know he had a dream months before and had even told his wife...they discounted it as "Nah, that can't be".   Several described what God was doing in our lives with no clue how spot on they were.   They thought they were talking future...but God knew we needed confirmation so He sent it.

Because of the things we had both been through recently, we learned that time is precious.   We learned that we should never take for granted the gifts that God gives us.   We learned that it is important to cherish each other.   And we knew that this was not just a dating relationship...we were meant to be together.   We don't know why but we are certain that God has a ministry that He wants us to do.   Somehow, through our relationship, others will see the goodness of God.   That even though we may have to walk through the night, joy comes in the morning.

So today I will marry my friend's husband.    Anne and Jeff cannot come back.   There is nothing we can do to bring them back and even if we could...they wouldn't want us to.   But we can live each day as if it were our last.    We can cherish each other and encourage others as well.

Today, I will marry my friend.   I am blessed beyond all measure.   I am loved and cherished.   And I love this man who God gave me with a depth I've never known before.   As much as I loved Jeff, I have no doubt I will love Mike more.   Not because he is necessarily better, but because I have learned how important the gifts the God gives are.   God has given me an amazing gift in this man.   He is everything I have prayed for.

Back in the Summer, one of my friends from Columbus, Ga, phoned me to tell me that she had a word for me.   This was the gist of that message..."Keep your heart open for love.   I am preparing a man for you even now.   He will be someone who not only will not be threatened by Jeff's memory, He will help you honor it."   That night I made a list of all the qualities I'd like this man to have.   I was very specific...but had no idea who it would be.   I had no idea that Mike would be that man.   But I am so glad he was.    And I am so blessed that he loves me.   Blessed beyond anything I deserve.

So now in just 11 hours, I will become Mrs. Mike Stewart.    I couldn't have dreamed this if I had tried.   God is good...He is very, very good.    Psalm 30:11 says, "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,"   That is exactly what God has done for us.   He has turned our mourning into joyful dancing.    We will never forget Jeff and Anne.   They are a part of us that we will continue to love and to honor.   But beginning today, and from this day forward, we understand that God has put away our mourning clothes and instead clothed us with joy.   To God be the glory, forever and ever and ever.