A turtle's journey...

The last 24 hours have been emotionally draining for me as I have been kinda "slapped in the face" so  to speak with the harsh reality that this journey that I am on is continuing.   Some days I am ok with that...others, like today, I just want off this ride.  

My middle son, Doran, is graduating next week and today was his last day of high school.   The gravity of knowing that Jeff didn't get to witness this moment is something I have put off thinking about...until now.   But I can no longer dodge that bullet...I have to face it head on.   Our journey is continuing without Jeff.

Our church announced tonight that they have selected someone to candidate as our pastor...the same weekend that Doran graduates.   So, in the same weekend, I will celebrate my son's accomplishments and possibly celebrate the arrival of Jeff's successor.   Another reminder that the journey is continuing.   Before I go on, let me say that okay with this whole process...it is an exciting time for our church, I am just missing my husband terribly and very emotional.   Those of you who encounter me for the next week or so, please do not see my tears and think that I am angry or anything like that...until you've been on this journey, I cannot adequately describe the gamut of emotions I am going through.

So this morning I was doing some shopping, a few minutes of alone time, and I happened across this bracelet that spurred the title for this blog.   The bracelet is a tiny silver sea turtle with a braided cord.     Simple, yet pretty.   But it was the wording on the box that caught my eye..."JOURNEY, even the greatest journeys start with small steps".   I knew at that moment that God had led me to that exact spot in the store to teach me something.

Sea turtles are amazing creatures.   We live in a beach community in an area known as the Wilderness Coast.    It's a stretch of seaside property that has somehow escaped the rush of development that seems to be the trend nowadays.   One of the areas near our home is Bald Point and is known for being a nesting area for sea turtles.   There are some in our area, who seem to have put the value of the sea turtle above human life...that is out of whack and a shame.   But still, these creatures are wonderful, beautiful creatures and God used them today to remind me of His plan for this journey I am on.

Some interesting facts about sea turtles:  Did you know that sea turtles spend their entire lives at sea?    Sea turtles migrates hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles in search of food.  Sea turtles will return to the same beach they hatched at to lay their eggs (even if it means traveling across an ocean to get there).   Within hours of hatching, a sea turtle will find its way to the water.   A baby sea turtle will "follow the light" to get to the sea.   Baby sea turtles have an inborn instinct to go toward the brightest spot in their search of the sea.    Sea turtles have flippers, not feet, which makes traveling on land very clumsy and cumbersome.  Sea turtles must surface from time to time in order to breathe...otherwise they will drown.

So here is what I've learned today from the sea turtle (well actually from God but He used the sea turtle to teach me).  There will be times on this journey when I will struggle to find my place.   I must remember to take baby steps, and keep taking them.   Soon, I will get there.   I must follow the Light. Jesus is the Light and by following  Him I will find my way.   There will be times that will flounder and struggle, but if I will keep my eyes fixed on Him, He will lead me.   At times, my journey will seem long.   Sometimes I will find myself in a sea that seems to have no boundaries and the way will be hard to find.   During those times, I must use the resources He has given me for direction.   The sea turtle has it's own God-given senses that help it find it's way back to that original beach.    We have God's word to help us.   Periodically, I have to come up for air.   Though I may think I am strong enough to continue on this journey without pausing to refill my lungs, I am wrong.  I am not designed that way.   God has designed me to come to the surface for air.   That may look like tears to onlookers, but it is a time when I exhale and then refill my lungs so I can continue on.

Those fumbling, awkward baby steps that frustrate me so much and make me feel like I am getting nowhere are just the beginning of an amazing journey.   It is one that will take me to places beautiful  and exciting.   Occasionally , it will bring me back to where I began, but if I will continue to follow the Light, I will find my way again and will produce many "babies" along the way.   Even the greatest of journeys start with small steps.

Lord, help me remember that even the small steps are important.   Help me to keep my eyes fixed on You and to remember to breathe...exhaling things of the past and inhaling new life.  Thank you for this journey you have set before me.   Help me to appreciate the beauty and not become so frustrated with awkwardness of a new beginning.   Oh, and yes...I bought the bracelet!

Milestones and Memorials

It's Memorial Day weekend and grills are fired up all around our neighborhood.   Just walk outside and you can smell ribs, steaks...burgers!  Tonight, my neighborhood will be fill with squeals and bangs as the first of the fireworks are taken out and exploded.    All around me, I hear the sounds of Summer...families laughing and playing with each other.  But at our house you could hear a pin drop. Everything is quiet here.   Abbi has gone out of town with a friend.  Doran is at a church lock-in with some friends.   That just leaves me, Zac and Jynx.    They are both asleep so I sit here, just listening.   And remembering.

Yesterday I ordered the headstone for Jeff's grave.   It was a milestone in the grief process for me.   It is not the first, and I know it will not be the last.   Milestones are designed to let you know how far you've traveled, or how far you have left to go on your journey.   I remember, as a child, when we would go on trips...counting the mile markers would become a game for me.    Something to pass the time while this "endless" road trip continued.    Most of the time, our journey was only an hour or two at best, but to me it seemed like forever.    I most likely drove my mom crazy with questions of, "Are we there yet?" or "How much longer?".    Somehow, counting the mile markers  made it a little easier for me.  

I know that these milestones in grief work the same way in many respects.   They will show me how far I've traveled in this process.    We all move at different speeds.   Some are able to dash through this journey, while others prefer a more leisurely pace.   I think I go back and forth...fast then slow then fast then slow.   I passed the first month, then the second.  The first birthday, the first Mother's day, events in the kids lives.   All reminders of how far we've come without him here with us.   It is not the same.   The journey is not nearly as enjoyable without him.    But I know him...and he would not want us to stop, in fact he would get downright mad if we did.   So the traveling continues.

Yesterday, that looked like returning to the funeral home to pick out a headstone for my husband.   I sat there, thumbing through a book and thought, "They all look the same, they all say to me that he is gone."    I finally found one that I thought would work.   Something that will mark his grave, his final resting place.   It was a milestone...something that tells me that life is still going on.   Jeff would be happy with it...as long as I treat it as a milestone.

See a milestone is something you pass...you may pass it many times but you do continue on past it.   It is not your destination.   A memorial however, can become your destination if you aren't careful.    In my efforts to remember Jeff and all that we shared together, I have to fight daily to continue living.        If I don't, I will find myself taking up residence at a memorial...stuck in my grief, not continuing on the journey.   Though the memorial is where I may find myself from time to time, staying there is not a good thing.   It's not designed to be a place where I live.   No, instead I think Jeff would want me to treat this as a milestone...something that tells me how far I've traveled.    And that the journey must continue.   

At the beginning of each new year, Jeff would always pick a theme for our church.   I think it is no coincidence that this year the theme was "The Journey" with Luke 9:23 being our theme verse.   "Then he said to them all:“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me."    I didn't realize what my cross would look like when I started this journey.   I didn't know the places the journey would take me.   If I had, I might would have chosen  a different route.    

Some may look at my journey and think I've come a long way...others know I've only just begun.   My destination is Christ.   Each milestone along the way moves me closer to Him.   There will be places along the way where I will stop and remember all that has been lost, but I cannot stay there.   That is not my destination.   I must take up my cross and follow Christ.   He is my destination.  

 I think Jeff knew that his journey was going to be much shorter than ours.    Maybe that's why he picked this theme for 2014.   He could see his destination in near distance.  The milestones were telling him how close he was to his destination.    He has made it there...and I know that someday I will see him again.   Someday, when my journey is complete, heaven awaits me.   Until then, I'll keep watching those milestones...making sure I'm moving forward.    

The Season of Wait

I have wrestled with God for two days about writing this post.   Guess who won?   I didn't want certain people in my life to think I was trying to preach to them or anything like that, but God has this heavy on my heart and so I will be obedient.   I've learned that being obedient is the only thing that will work anyway, so I am wasting my time doing anything else.   Let me first say that everything I will write tonight is straight from my personal struggle with this season...if it seems like I'm "reading your mail", I'm not.   I have found myself in a season of wait.   I don't like it.   I have fought against it.   But God has a purpose for it...so, it's where I must be.

So, what is a season of wait?   It is a time in your life (and you may go through it many times over), when God simply tells you to wait for a period of time.    Sometimes it is an extended period of time. God has three answers to our prayers: yes, no and wait.   We all like yes!!  No one in their right mind likes no!   But I think the worst of all is wait.   Waiting requires discipline.   It is not fun.  

When Jeff passed away, a new season began for me.   Even though I was grieved by the loss of my husband, I was excited about a new season and all that God had in store for me.   But when it became evident that this season is the season of wait, well, I'll just be honest...I was peeved!!!   I mean seriously, after all I've been through, now you want me to wait?   I don't know if there is a more excruciating season that I could be in right now.   When I tell you I hate this... I mean I really, REALLY hate this.  

Today, I was especially struggling with this.   People want to know what my plans are for the future...shoot, I want to know what my plans are for the future!!!    But I don't have anything concrete yet.   I have a desire to teach and preach, to mentor and counsel.  I know I am called to ministry, but what that will look like for Libby McFalls (minus Jeff) is still very unclear.   I have begged God for clarity on this matter.   But all I get is "Wait".

Yesterday, was a particularly terrible, horrible, very bad, no good day for me!!   I sobbed all day long and long into the night.   I woke up this morning and my eyelids were about an inch thick.  Ugggh!   But yesterday, during my despair, God brought a couple of Bible stories to my mind.

The first is found in 1st Kings 17:1-5.   Elijah delivered some not so good news to Ahab that the next few years were not going to be much fun.   I'm sure that Ahab was not delighted.    Then God tells Elijah to go to the Kerith Ravine and hide out (or wait).   He tells him to drink from the brook and that He has ordered the ravens to feed him there.    Now, if I'm Elijah, I'm thinking, "Ok, but then where do you want me to go?  What do you want me to do?   What is the next big thing?   How can I be used...especially in a ravine, all by myself with a bunch of crows?  And really, crows?   I have to eat from crows?  Surely there must be more..."    But God didn't tell him to "do" anything there...just wait.   Wait...   Wait...   And I almost missed a very important part of the story... "I have ordered the ravens to feed you there".    What if Elijah had found waiting to be too mundane?    What if he had just spent the night there and then moved on in search of his next assignment?  What if he had said, "Ravens?  Seriously?"     God had ordered the ravens to feed him THERE...if he had moved on, he would have missed the nourishment that God had already provided for him.   When God tells us to wait, then doing anything else to rush the process along will only end in us missing the blessing of God.   His provision is based on his time table, not on ours.   Understanding that is key to our finding fulfillment.

The second passage that came to my mind was found in Isaiah 40:27-31.   God's people are tired and weary here..and they are doing what we do when we are tired and weary...complaining.   He reminds His people that  He will not grow tired or weary...we can't fathom that.   Imagine having a blink contest with God...He never gets tired...He can out wait the best of us!   Keep reading... those who wait upon the Lord, will renew their strength...   I used to think that meant wait as in rest...be completely still.   But before Jeff passed away, he shed a different light on this text.    Perhaps, when God says wait here, He is referring to what a waiter in a restaurant would do.   He is saying wait...as in serve...   Serve the Lord, until I give you your next assignment.     Serve Him, wait upon Him and your strength will be renewed.   Serve Him, wait upon Him and you will soar like an eagle.   Likewise, if you choose not to wait, then don't expect to be renewed or to soar.   The provision is directly lined up with our obedience.

God's promise of provision comes when we are obedient in the season of wait.   No, it is not a fun season.   It may be a very long season, but one thing is certain...if God has called you to a season of wait, you cannot find provision anywhere else.   And don't think you can out wait God and bypass this season by doing it your way.  Oh, He will let you...but the provision will not be there.   Satan may trick you for a time into thinking you've found it...but you'll soon find yourself feeling empty and dry. Why?  Because your provision (your ravens) are THERE where He told you to wait.   Only when you return to the season of wait will you find the provision He has for you.  

Lord, help me to not complain in this season of wait that you have for me.   Help me to find ways to serve until your provision comes.   Lord, let my strength be renewed as you feed me THERE...teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait.  

The Problem with Mountain Tops

Yesterday was a great day!  It was Mother's day, the day we celebrate all that mom's do and all that they are.   My children were so sweet, giving thoughtful gifts and loving on me all day long.   It was a beautiful mountain top kinda day.  One in which I felt that I was on top of the world.

The problem I have found with mountain tops, however is that they are surrounded by valleys.  Although one would love to stay on the mountain top, life usually happens in the valley.   I love to travel to the mountains, but I've noticed something in my travels...the stores, commerce centers are always located down below...in the valley.   Oh, you may find an occasional shop at the submit, but you will pay twice the price there...life happens in the valley.

When you are on the mountain top, you can see everything...for miles and miles.   You can see the valleys below and see how beautiful they really are.   But when you are in the valley, it's hard to appreciate the moment...all you see then is the mountain top...teasing and taunting you...saying, "Don't you wish you were here?"

Something else about mountains and valleys...the higher or steeper the mountain, the lower the valley.  That's just the way it is... still very beautiful but the ups and downs can be hard to navigate at times.

Today, I woke up to find myself in a valley.   Reality is setting in.   He's not coming home...he is already there.   I'm sure this is a reality that I will encounter over and over again, but today, it is just there...      Welcome to the valley.

The air seems heavier here...and it rains more.   But I must remind myself that things tend to grow better in the valley.  Is that what I'm doing now?   Growing?   Today it doesn't feel that way...it just feels like I'm being smacked upside the head with a reality that I'd rather not call my own.   He's not coming home.

I can hold on to the memories but my dreams for the future are gone.   Like chaff in the wind, blown away, never to be fully realized.   I vascilate between thankfulness for 25 wonderful years with a man who loved me unconditionally and great sorrow that I have now lost my love.   I want to heal and not get stuck in my grief...I know that Jeff would not want that for me...but in the valley sometimes the air is so thick and it seems that I will be here forever.

All my life, I've thought of valleys as a place of rest.   Peaceful and serene.    But this valley doesn't feel that way at all.   Maybe it's because I've never been in the valley alone.

One of my favorite places on Earth is Ecuador.   Jeff and I did several mission trips to Ecuador and I often kidded him and said that when we retired I wanted to move there.   He would then remind me that we were pastors...and we weren't retiring.

Ecuador has the most beautiful mountains.   I loved riding through those mountains and looking down the hillside.   There would be these little shacks scattered all along the mountain range.   Little shanties that were all about the size of a shed here, but not made as well.   I remember thinking, these poor people, they live this far out and to get anywhere they have to walk for days or rely on the goodness of other people.   Then, on about my 3rd or 4th trip there, I began to find myself a little envious of those very people.    They get to enjoy the beauty of the valleys all the time.  I wondered if they enjoy it or they are dying to get out of there.    I found myself just wanting to "hole-up" somewhere deep in one of those valleys and never return to civilization again.

So today, when I realized that I am again in a valley, I asked God to help me see the beauty in this.   Yesterday, I was on the summit, but today I need to learn to appreciate the valley and all it has to offer.   Lord, help me to learn to love whatever place you have me in.   Whether it is a valley or mountaintop, or somewhere in between...help me to flourish there.  Help me to look for the Lily of the Valley when I am there.   Give me glimpses of the mountain top when I am in the valley, but help me see the beauty of the valley when I am on the mountain.
 

Best Tip Ever!

It's been two months.   Sixty-one days without the love of my life.   Not a moment passes that I don't miss him.  I keep waiting for him to walk in or call.   I miss him so much.   I wish I could wake up and find that this is all just a vivid dream.   I've spent the past couple of days reminiscing...thinking about the early days.

Jeff and I met at Lee University (then it was Lee College).   My friend, Tina and I were on our way to social event on campus and Jeff was sitting in the pedestrian mall with his friends.   They were actually checking out pics of his then girlfriend...I was not interested.    Two weeks later, when Tina suggested that she'd like to introduce me to someone and I found out it was him, I was not amused...or interested.   I was at school to get an education, not to find a man -- Tina, however, was persistent...and sneaky.   Somehow she managed to arrange for the now single Jeff McFalls to be in my dorm lobby just as I was returning from class...very clever of her, I might add.

He needed a paper typed.   Guess who knew how to type?   Well, at least she got us to talk.   He was a nice enough guy, but he was focused on school and so was I.   No time for dating, or so we thought.   One night after classes, Tina suggested that we go grab a bite to eat.   She suggested that we go to the Gondolier...and guess who worked at the Gondolier?   She was hopeless...I might as well play along.   Jeff came over to wait on our table and I caught glimpses of the great guy that she had been telling me about.  Friends, I thought...we can be friends.

She and I ordered small greek salads...I think they were 3.99 each and we were both drinking water.   Jeff checked in on us several times and finally brought our checks to the table.   Then Tina asked me the strangest question, "How much extra cash do you have on you?"    At first, I thought she needed me to pick up her check, but she had something much more sneaky in mind.   I had enough to pay my bill and about eleven bucks to boot.  So Tina says, "Give it to me...trust me, you'll be glad you did."   Well, she was my friend and since I thought she needed it, I gladly handed it over to her.  She then proceeded to leave my future husband  an eleven dollar tip  (from me).   I thought she was nuts but then she convinced me that he was a starving college student and leaving him a good tip would be a blessing.   So I said ok.  

I was surprised when he showed up at my dorm the next morning to return the tip.   He said he knew that I couldn't afford it as a college student and that he didn't feel right about taking it.   When I refused to take it back, he said that I'd have to go out with him then...it was the only way he'd keep it. That eleven dollar tip turned out to be the investment of a lifetime.   One that I reaped an incredible return on!!

Just ten short months later, we were married.   Today, I sat and thought about all the things God had to work out in order for me to meet Jeff McFalls.   It amazes me that I even ended up at Lee...my life was on a completely different path and God stopped me in my tracks.   He ordered every step...even the eleven dollar tip for the $3.99 salad!

I don't understand why God had to take Jeff home so early...but I believe that God ordered his every step. Even the step that took him from this world to heaven. Proverbs 16:9 reminds me that "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." I had a plan...Jeff had a plan...but God had a bigger plan. I don't claim to understand His plan...but I do trust it. I have to. He has proven over and over that His plan is better than my plan...His way is higher than my way.   He directed a friend to make a ridiculous suggestion...and it changed my life.   It was the best tip I ever got...and the best one I ever gave.   Thank you, Tina Braswell, for hearing from God all those years ago and convincing your friend to do something that felt incredibly stupid.   Eleven dollars that led to a priceless lifetime of love and happiness.

I don't know what is on the horizon for me, but I do know that the same God who ordered my steps to cross paths with Jeff McFalls is still ordering my steps.   I may plan my course, but He will establish my steps.

The Weed

Visiting Jeff's grave is something that hasn't really bothered me since his passing.   Honestly, I understand that his body may be there, but he is not!  He is in heaven and the troubles of this world do not burden him anymore.   This week, however, I found it unusually unsettling to visit his grave.

When Jeff was alive and healthy, we would joke about whoever lived the longest not going to the grave site.   He would tell me to make sure I buried him in Bristol because he knew I'd always go home to visit...at least then I would come see him.   I would tell him that he could have me cremated and my ashes pressed in a diamond...which he could give to his next wife...that way I could keep an eye on him!   We were joking of  course...it wasn't supposed to happen this way...or this soon.

Friday, I had some errands to run and we seemed to have a "let-up" in the rains, so I wanted to just go check his grave and make sure it was ok.   After adjusting the 2 lilies that someone brought by (they had blown over in the storms) and clearing some debris, I started to leave and suddenly, I couldn't move.   I couldn't make myself walk away.   I just wanted to linger and stay right there with him.  I knew he wasn't there, but at the moment my heart just couldn't understand.   Tears flowed freely as I told him how badly I missed him and needed him here.   I told him how fragile and insignicant I felt without him by my side.   He's been gone nearly 2 months but it feels like eternity.   I just miss him so much.  I looked down and saw the tiniest little flower.   It was lavender with the most delicate little petals.  I know it was a weed but it was a pretty weed and I felt God say to me, "See that little flower. It is delicate and fragile, yet beautiful just the same.   It has no protection out here...no shade, no buffer from the wind.   But I know it is there, and I see it...just like I see you.   You are fragile right now but you are  beautiful to me.   Unlike this weed, you will grow stronger as you weather this storm.  Your roots are growing deep right now.   I see every tear you shed, I hear every plea, I know every desire and every fear.   This flower has no protection from the weather and you think you have lost yours...but you are wrong my child...I  am your protection.   I will watch over you and help you.   You are not insignificant...I have a purpose and plan."

I snapped a photo of the flower with my phone and honestly, my eyes were so blurry it is a wonder that you can even tell what it is.   Slowly, I forced myself to walk away...to go back to living life.   I drove around for several minutes, not wanting to go home with red eyes...I didn't want to upset the kids.   As I drove, I just cried out to God...I just don't understand.  For twenty-four and a half years we served Him...and had no plans of ever retiring.   We would have worked together as a team well into our eighties or nineties if He would have let us.   Why would you take someone out who was doing everything he knew to do to serve you?   It just doesn't make sense.   I wish I could tell you that the sky opened up and God gave me the answer I was looking for...but that didn't happen.   Slowly, a peace came over me.  The tears stopped and I felt like I could go home.   As I pulled in the driveway, I noticed it...a little orange silk butterfly taped to my mailbox.   Someone had been at it again...I think they had been praying for me.    God knew right when I would need it...when I was at my weakest.   So He gave me a weed and a butterfly to remind me that I am His and He is watching over me.

Tonight, I sat at the dining room table with all three of my kids.   We talked and cried, shared scripture and prayed.   Together, we read Psalm 32:8, "I will intruct you and teach you in the way you should go;  I will counsel you with my loving eye on you."   We have so much to learn.   So many ways we will have to learn to trust God.   God gave us an amazing husband and father when he gave us Jeff...but we don't have him anymore.   We choose to be thankful to God for blessing us with him for all that time.   He will heal our hearts, He will show us the way and He will give us a hope and a future.