The Weed

Visiting Jeff's grave is something that hasn't really bothered me since his passing.   Honestly, I understand that his body may be there, but he is not!  He is in heaven and the troubles of this world do not burden him anymore.   This week, however, I found it unusually unsettling to visit his grave.

When Jeff was alive and healthy, we would joke about whoever lived the longest not going to the grave site.   He would tell me to make sure I buried him in Bristol because he knew I'd always go home to visit...at least then I would come see him.   I would tell him that he could have me cremated and my ashes pressed in a diamond...which he could give to his next wife...that way I could keep an eye on him!   We were joking of  course...it wasn't supposed to happen this way...or this soon.

Friday, I had some errands to run and we seemed to have a "let-up" in the rains, so I wanted to just go check his grave and make sure it was ok.   After adjusting the 2 lilies that someone brought by (they had blown over in the storms) and clearing some debris, I started to leave and suddenly, I couldn't move.   I couldn't make myself walk away.   I just wanted to linger and stay right there with him.  I knew he wasn't there, but at the moment my heart just couldn't understand.   Tears flowed freely as I told him how badly I missed him and needed him here.   I told him how fragile and insignicant I felt without him by my side.   He's been gone nearly 2 months but it feels like eternity.   I just miss him so much.  I looked down and saw the tiniest little flower.   It was lavender with the most delicate little petals.  I know it was a weed but it was a pretty weed and I felt God say to me, "See that little flower. It is delicate and fragile, yet beautiful just the same.   It has no protection out here...no shade, no buffer from the wind.   But I know it is there, and I see it...just like I see you.   You are fragile right now but you are  beautiful to me.   Unlike this weed, you will grow stronger as you weather this storm.  Your roots are growing deep right now.   I see every tear you shed, I hear every plea, I know every desire and every fear.   This flower has no protection from the weather and you think you have lost yours...but you are wrong my child...I  am your protection.   I will watch over you and help you.   You are not insignificant...I have a purpose and plan."

I snapped a photo of the flower with my phone and honestly, my eyes were so blurry it is a wonder that you can even tell what it is.   Slowly, I forced myself to walk away...to go back to living life.   I drove around for several minutes, not wanting to go home with red eyes...I didn't want to upset the kids.   As I drove, I just cried out to God...I just don't understand.  For twenty-four and a half years we served Him...and had no plans of ever retiring.   We would have worked together as a team well into our eighties or nineties if He would have let us.   Why would you take someone out who was doing everything he knew to do to serve you?   It just doesn't make sense.   I wish I could tell you that the sky opened up and God gave me the answer I was looking for...but that didn't happen.   Slowly, a peace came over me.  The tears stopped and I felt like I could go home.   As I pulled in the driveway, I noticed it...a little orange silk butterfly taped to my mailbox.   Someone had been at it again...I think they had been praying for me.    God knew right when I would need it...when I was at my weakest.   So He gave me a weed and a butterfly to remind me that I am His and He is watching over me.

Tonight, I sat at the dining room table with all three of my kids.   We talked and cried, shared scripture and prayed.   Together, we read Psalm 32:8, "I will intruct you and teach you in the way you should go;  I will counsel you with my loving eye on you."   We have so much to learn.   So many ways we will have to learn to trust God.   God gave us an amazing husband and father when he gave us Jeff...but we don't have him anymore.   We choose to be thankful to God for blessing us with him for all that time.   He will heal our hearts, He will show us the way and He will give us a hope and a future.