Out of the blue...

Today was a beautiful day.   As the third week of my seven week camp experience draws to a close, I am happy to say that this week has been amazing!   Everything has been working like clockwork in the kitchen and it has been a great week.   So when I started crying this morning for no reason, it completely caught me off guard.  

I was minding my business, grilling hamburgers and all the sudden the tears started.   I was overwhelmed by how much I missed Jeff.   I'm standing there looking at ground beef and all I can think about is Jeff grilling in our backyard.   

Several times since his passing, I have found myself in tears because something sad has happened or because I'm having a bad day.   But today I was thinking happy thoughts and suddenly the tear faucet turned on.   I can't really say that they were totally sad tears...yes, they were tears of sorrow because I miss my husband so badly.   But the memories on my mind were such fond memories that for a moment I almost forgot that he was gone.   It only lasted a moment, but for just a moment it felt like he was there. 

 As quickly as the feeling came, it left in a whoosh, leaving tears in it's wake.   But God is always good.   Even in the midst of tears that I did not understand, He knew exactly what my heart needed.   As my memories turned to questions and my questions turned heavenward, God responded in true God-like fashion.   He sent people to the grill to give me hugs.   He began to remind me of scripture that restored my soul.   Then, this afternoon, encouragement came from friends...first in the form of a beautiful card, then moments later in the form of beautiful flowers.   Both the card and flowers had the sweetest words in them...words that brought more tears, but strangely they were comforting tears. 

I cannot explain today...my vocabulary and use of language falls far short of describing what happened to me as I flipped hamburgers.   But I do know that God understands everything that I cannot.   He understands why Jeff's time on Earth was cut painfully short.    He understands why my heart must hurt.   He knows me better than I know myself.   He knows what my next season is and how He wants to use me in every season.   Things I can neither understand or explain.

Tonight the tears are still brimming.   Though I normally hate them, not tonight.   Tonight, I know that tears are from God...they are healing tears.   Tears that were unexpected, but they come with sweet memories of a man that I loved with all my heart.    My heart is broken, but I have a promise that it will heal.    The God that I serve will heal my heart, but until that day He will hold my heart.   

Thank you, Lord, that out of the blue, you come to me.   You comfort me when I don't even realize how much I need your comfort.   You heal me, when I don't understand how weak I am.   I will never understand You, but I know You.   I know Your nature...I know Your Word.   You are good, even when I don't expect it.   

In Hot Pursuit...

Every now and then, I find time to just "veg" in front of the tv.   Last week, while I was at camp, I was having trouble sleeping and found myself sitting on the sofa, watching some kind of cop show.   I was so exhausted mentally that I sat and watched a 20 minute high speed chase and somehow didn't feel compelled to change the channel.   I just sat there and watched a multitude of police vehicles pursue one lone truck that was used in the get away of crooks who had just robbed a store (or something...I don't really remember all the details!)   It wasn't really important what the offense was...the show was all about the pursuit.

Isn't that a good reflection of the society we live in.   We are all in pursuit of something.   Some pursue a career or wealth, some pursue knowledge, some pursue health or happiness, many pursue love.

As I plotted this blog, I began to recall my relationship with my late husband.   Jeff loved to tell everyone about how I had pursued him until I caught him.   Although he did like to really embellish the story, there was much truth in the tale that he told.   Once I realized that Jeff was A) available and B) a good catch, I do have to admit that the pursuit was on!   My mom had always taught me that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, so I began to send all my delacasies over to his dorm.   Nearly every day I would make cookies, or brownies or an oreo delight and take it over to Ellis Hall.   Looking back, I realize there was no way he could've eaten all that stuff...so that's why all his friends seemed to encourage him to date me!

Then came the time to step up my game and give the "whopper" 11 buck tip that really turned his head!  (See "Best Tip Ever" from May 8, 2014).   Hot pursuit, baby!   But wait, he was still playing a little hard to get...so okay, full steam ahead!   Thanksgiving break and I've gone to Charlotte with my friend, Tina.   We decide to cook a Thanksgiving meal for Jeff and some friend of hers (sorry, I don't remember his name or what he even looked like...I wasn't pursuing him!)  We worked all day to prepare a beautiful turkey, grandma's recipe for dressing, green bean casserole, broccoli casserole, sweet potatoes, rolls and dessert.   It was beautiful and I was certain that this pursuit was about to come to an end as surely he would see what an amazing cook I was and proclaim that he needed me in his life!   All was going well, until we began to slice the turkey (which was on a beautifully set table, btw).    About a 1/2 inch in, the turkey wasn't just raw...it was still frozen!   No one told us to THAW the turkey!!!  (And they didn't tell us about the baggie with all the giblets and the neck that was stuffed inside the bird either!)    So our pursuit changed at that moment, as we drove to a nearby restaurant for a burger!

I tell that story because when I wanted Jeff in my life, there was nothing that could stop me from pursuing him.    I'm not that different from you.   When you want something you will go after it until you get it.   Admit it.  

So when it comes to the things of Christ, why do we give up so easily.   "I just don't feel like I'm being fed anymore" is one the things that we have heard most in ministry and I drives pastors crazy!!!    How much have you really pursued spiritual food?  Have you sought out the presence of God?   I'm not talking about church hopping...I'm talking about what we are doing to create an atmosphere for the presence of God.   We just want it to happen but we are not willing to go after it.  

The part of the story that I don't often tell (and Jeff never told) is how he pursued me.   He would reroute his day so that he would be in my path between my dorm and my classes.   He would deliberately make up reasons that he needed my help with homework or studying in his classes.   He left sweet notes on my car, in my mailbox, in my textbooks...   See, I was pursuing him, but he was pursuing me, too.

Christ has pursued us...He still is!   Christ left all the comfort of heaven and came to this Earth in pursuit of us.   He died in pursuit of us.  He continues to pursue us...calling and beckoning to us.  Wooing us to Him.  

In our Sunday School class we are studying "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman.   This week's lesson has "the pursuit" at the forefront of my thoughts.   How can I not pursue Christ?   How can I not pursue His presence?   He gave everything in pursuit of me.   His presence is so sweet...I need it more than the air I breathe.    Over the past few weeks at camp, I have found that it is easy to get lost in the hooplah and forget to pursue His presence.   But the hoopla will never sustain me...only His presence!
So I will pursue...HOT PURSUIT!  

I leave you with the lyrics to one of my new favorite worship songs...

"Your presence is all I need
It's all I want, It's all I seek
and without it, without it there's no meaning.

Your presence is the air I breathe
the song I sing and the love I need
and without it, without it I'm not living."

And anything I need that badly, I WILL PURSUE!

A Change in Plans

I am a planner.   I make lists...then I list my lists.   It's something I do without really thinking about it.     Whether I am planning a meal or shooting a wedding, there is this eternal list going on inside my brain.   Sometimes the list will actually make it to paper, but more times than not, it is just an invisible scrolling list in my mind.

After Jeff passed away, an immediate list started rolling in my brain of dreaded days to come.   The funeral, his birthday, the day our church would replace him as pastor, our 25th anniversary, but the day that I dreaded most was going to be Father's day.   It was number one on my list, then it kept popping up over and over.    Father's Day, and the father of my children is gone.

Father's Day would also mark the 5th anniversary of our church being in its new sanctuary...a building the my husband worked hard to see completed.   When we came to this church nearly 15 years ago, the forty or so people who worshipped there had a dream of building a new sanctuary and seeing it filled with unfamiliar faces.     Until then, it was only a dream, but shortly after we came the dream began to take legs.    It didn't happen over night.   It was a long hard fight!  With God's help and the hard work of a unified church, the dream finally became a reality on Father's Day, 2009.  

So perhaps that is why Father's Day stuck out so much to me.   I don't know.   I only know that I dreaded this first Father's Day without Jeff more than any other day on that list of dreaded days.  

I really felt helpless as to how to control my feelings regarding this day.    Feelings of panic...similar to suffocation.   In an effort to gain "control" over my feelings toward Father's Day, I decided to come up with a plan...to make a new list.    My plans included worship of course, followed by a trip to the cemetary to do something at his grave that I thought would honor him and give the kids a chance to say Happy Father's Day to Daddy.    Then I thought I would keep myself busy for the rest of the day with work until I would have to pack up an go back to Marianna for another week of cooking at camp.    Once in Marianna, I knew I would have so much to do that thinking about this dreaded day would be the last thing on my mind.

God, however, must not have been real impressed with my plans or my lists though.    Sometime Saturday I began to feel ill...not terrible, just not well.   But by the early morning hours of Sunday morning, I was incredibly sick...fever, chills, aches, stomach pain...it just kept getting worse.   I texted our worship leader to let him know I wouldn't make it to sound check but would still try to make it service.   The next thing I knew it was early afternoon and one son was already on his way to Marianna.   After a couple of hours, I felt like I might live and began to get ready to head to camp.   God gave me about 3 hours, just enough time to pack and drive to Marianna before the second wave of sickness rolled in.   Just as we pulled into the campground, I felt my fever go back up and I didn't even bother to unload my bags.   I simply got out of the car and into the camper where I crashed.   I'm not sure what happened for the next several hours, except I was in and out of coherency and was thankful for good friends and family who checked in on me.

Thankfully, by the next morning, I was well enough to go to work, however the fatigue and pain would linger for the next several days.    As a matter of fact, today (Thursday) is the first day that I have felt back up to 100%.   So, when it hit me today that God had completely altered my plans for this week...it was kinda an "ah-ha" moment for me.

"Ah-ha" because God never intended for me to do all the things that I had planned out for Father's Day.    He didn't intend for me to fear that day, or any other for that matter.   He didn't intend for me to make a big deal about it being the anniversary of the opening of the new sanctuary...I suspect my husband is up there begging Him to make me stop making a big deal of things.   Jeff never was one for Pomp and Circumstance.

"Ah-ha" because God, nor Jeff would've wanted me to be so heart broken over such a special day.   It is a day set aside for honoring men who have loved and raised the children God has blessed them with.   That is something I do everyday.   I honor him because when God gave me Jeff McFalls, He gave me someone that surpassed all the qualities I had on my list for a husband.   Then, when God began to give us children, I was even more amazed my this precious gift I had in him.   He was gentle and firm...and consistent (most of the time).   His love could not be diminished by the rebellion of a child, nor the failure to return the love shown.   He was Daddy in every way...a Godly example of what a man should be.   This was a day when I should celebrate...not be broken hearted.

"Ah-ha" because I realized that in the midst of being so sick...my plans had gone out the window.   I had lost my list.   God had changed my plans and in the aftermath, I discovered that my plans were silly plans anyway.   They weren't plans that were designed to move me along this path I am on...they were plans to dig in my heals and take root.    Taking root in deep grief is never a good thing.   See, God knew that as innocent as the plans on my list looked, my real aim was to make sure everyone remembered to grieve Jeff the way I grieve him.    Those plans do not come from Him.   (And Jeff McFalls would "have my hide" if he knew anything about those plans!)  I'm not saying God wants us to forget him...but there is a fine line I am going to have to be very careful to not fall prey to crossing it.   How do I know that God's plans differ from the plans I had for that day?  Well...I guess that's my last "Ah-ha".

"Ah-ha" that God has a plan for me...a plan to prosper me and not to harm me...a plan to give me a hope and a future.   Jeremiah 29:11  has been one of our favorite verses for our whole marriage.   This week, as I had my "Ah-ha" moment, the verses following held a new dearness to me..."Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.   You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

So tonight I am making a new list.   It's a seek and find list.   A list of all the things I am seeking from God...things for my future.    Things I believe He has promised me.   Things that can come only from Him...and only because they are in His plan for me.   A change in plans...maybe not so bad after all!

Let me introduce you...

Sometimes a writer needs a prompt to write.   We have a million things to say but until we have that prompt, we just can't seem to get started.   One of my dear friends, who also is a blog writer, recently advised me to start jotting down ideas when they come to mind so I've been trying to do that.  Another dear friend knew about this advice and was in our Sunday School class this week when I shared a story.  She promptly leaned over and said, "Hey, that's a write down!"    So if this post strikes a note with you, if it makes you think...then you have my friends Barbara and Missy to thank!

The setting for tonight's story is the Fall of 1988 in Charlotte, NC.   Jeff and I had been dating for couple of months and I was invited by a mutual friend to visit Charlotte for Thanksgiving break (note: Jeff was from Charlotte, too).   Jeff  introduced me to his family and several of his friends and our holiday was going beautifully.   Sunday came and we went to his home church, Central Church of God.   Now, Jeff loved his pastor, Loran Livingston.

That's all I had heard about...my man Loran...Loran this, Loran that...   Loran Livingston was the first pastor that Jeff had ever heard who was REAL.   He was interesting and straight to the point.   For that reason, Jeff looked up to him and considered him to be a mentor.

On campus (Lee), Loran Livingston was a legend.   He was the pastor of one of the largest and fastest growing churches in the Church of God.   He was an amazing preacher and after hearing just one of his sermons, I had to agree that he was truly one of a kind.

So when the service ended that morning and Jeff said to me, "Hey, come on, I want to introduce you to my pastor", I naturally felt proud that he would consider me worthy of meeting his mentor.  I mean, things were getting pretty serious but this would be a big step.   I was thrilled!

As we made our way across the sanctuary to where Loran was standing, my heart swelled.   This was like taking our relationship to the next level.   We had to wait for a couple of others to finish their conversations with him but finally we were standing face to face with (as Jeff liked to refer to him) the man, Loran!

Pastor Livingston embraced Jeff right away and welcomed him home.  After a little small chat about how school was going and what was new in his life, Jeff turned to me and said to Loran, "Pastor, let me introduce you to Libby, she's Tina's friend..."    And I couldn't tell you what he said after that...no, my mind was stuck on, "Libby, she's Tina's friend...".    I mean, I WAS Tina's friend...but that wasn't the way I thought I would be introduced.   What I expected was, "my girlfriend" or even "my new friend"...but to be introduced as "Tina's friend", well it told me that he wasn't willing to commit to anything with me.

It hurt and even though he didn't mean it that way, it spoke volumes to me.   A non-committal introduction.

I wonder how often I have done the same thing to Jesus.   I have the perfect opportunity to introduce Him to my friend as the love of my lfe...yet I very non-chalantly introduce Him as an acquaintance.   I tell people about Him...just not about what He means to me.

See, He is my everything, but sometimes I don't tell people that...because I don't want to seem like I'm a fanatic...I don't want them to think I'm a Jesus Freak.   But I am!  

Shortly after that encounter Jeff declared his love for me.   Once he realized how much it hurt for him to not introduce me as his girlfriend, he began to seriously consider where he wanted our relationship to go.   I've had to do the same with Jesus.   I'm not ashamed of Him.   I want to spend eternity with Him and I don't care who knows it!   No, wait...yes I do.   I do care!   I want everyone to know it.   I want to introduce Him to everyone I meet.   It's what I live for.   I love Him and I want everyone to know.   So, let me introduce you to the love of my life, the Savior of the world, the one who gave His life for me.   Let me introduce you to Jesus Christ!  I can think of no higher honor!

Seasons change

Three months.   That's how long it's been since I held his hand, felt his kiss, said "Goodbye".   Three months.   It seems like forever.   Like somehow time is standing still...but moving at lightning speed at the same time.   I know that doesn't make sense, but I am learning that life doesn't always make sense.  

This week has been a crazy week.  Tuesday, I shot a wedding and cried through the "Daddy/Daughter dance" as a brother stood in for a father who had already gone to heaven.    Wednesday, I celebrated Doran's baccalaureate...and cried as I realized that Jeff just barely missed this moment.   Thursday, I attended my nieces wedding rehearsal.   Friday was slam packed with a bridal luncheon and Doran's graduation (again, very emotional...proud, happy and sad all at the same time).  Saturday, we celebrated Dianna & Brent's big day...and I missed my husband terribly.  And then came today.   A day that I had both dreaded and looked forward to...I know, weird.

I dreaded it because it marked the anniversary of him leaving.   I looked forward to it because I knew our church was about to step into a new season.

This morning my emotions were all over the place...I know that most of that was due to the schedule I have had this week.   Tears started on the way to church and were flowing freely by the time I got through praise team sound check.   I was just about to the point of going home when I texted two of my friends (not from our church) to pray for me.   I knew right away that they were standing in the gap for me, because God began to comfort me, like a blanket.

I posted this earlier on Facebook, but I'll repeat it for those that didn't see it.   God reminded me that a season is three months long.   Seasons pass.  And the one I am in is passing.   It has been three months of mourning.   Three months of missing my husband terribly...three months of inconsolable sorrow.   God promised me today that a new season is beginning.

This doesn't mean that my time of missing Jeff is over...it is not.   I will mourn his death for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.    But what I believe God was saying to my heart this morning is that a season is coming in which I will celebrate Jeff's life.   I will celebrate his accomplishments.   I will celebrate the amazing husband he was.   I will celebrate the nearly twenty-five years of marriage we had.  

Today, we elected a new pastor.   The similarities between him and Jeff were uncanny...but that would not have been enough to put my heart at ease.   No, it would take the Lord giving me a real peace that this family was the one.   It was what I asked God for...and He delivered.   I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that God had ordered our steps and theirs.   I had prayed for them before I knew their names...and I loved them before I saw their faces.  

Tonight, I have a new pastor and a new first lady.   My role has changed.   My season has changed.   I don't know what to expect for this new season, but I trust God that it will be amazing.   This morning He promised that in this new season He would turn my mourning into dancing.   That is hard for me to imagine right now, but I trust Him.   He knows the desires of my heart.   I have told him my hopes and dreams.   My future is in His hands...and I know He will faithfully walk with me in this season.   He will somehow turn my mourning to dancing.   And when He does...I will shout it from the mountain top!   To God be the glory!!