Out of the blue...

Today was a beautiful day.   As the third week of my seven week camp experience draws to a close, I am happy to say that this week has been amazing!   Everything has been working like clockwork in the kitchen and it has been a great week.   So when I started crying this morning for no reason, it completely caught me off guard.  

I was minding my business, grilling hamburgers and all the sudden the tears started.   I was overwhelmed by how much I missed Jeff.   I'm standing there looking at ground beef and all I can think about is Jeff grilling in our backyard.   

Several times since his passing, I have found myself in tears because something sad has happened or because I'm having a bad day.   But today I was thinking happy thoughts and suddenly the tear faucet turned on.   I can't really say that they were totally sad tears...yes, they were tears of sorrow because I miss my husband so badly.   But the memories on my mind were such fond memories that for a moment I almost forgot that he was gone.   It only lasted a moment, but for just a moment it felt like he was there. 

 As quickly as the feeling came, it left in a whoosh, leaving tears in it's wake.   But God is always good.   Even in the midst of tears that I did not understand, He knew exactly what my heart needed.   As my memories turned to questions and my questions turned heavenward, God responded in true God-like fashion.   He sent people to the grill to give me hugs.   He began to remind me of scripture that restored my soul.   Then, this afternoon, encouragement came from friends...first in the form of a beautiful card, then moments later in the form of beautiful flowers.   Both the card and flowers had the sweetest words in them...words that brought more tears, but strangely they were comforting tears. 

I cannot explain today...my vocabulary and use of language falls far short of describing what happened to me as I flipped hamburgers.   But I do know that God understands everything that I cannot.   He understands why Jeff's time on Earth was cut painfully short.    He understands why my heart must hurt.   He knows me better than I know myself.   He knows what my next season is and how He wants to use me in every season.   Things I can neither understand or explain.

Tonight the tears are still brimming.   Though I normally hate them, not tonight.   Tonight, I know that tears are from God...they are healing tears.   Tears that were unexpected, but they come with sweet memories of a man that I loved with all my heart.    My heart is broken, but I have a promise that it will heal.    The God that I serve will heal my heart, but until that day He will hold my heart.   

Thank you, Lord, that out of the blue, you come to me.   You comfort me when I don't even realize how much I need your comfort.   You heal me, when I don't understand how weak I am.   I will never understand You, but I know You.   I know Your nature...I know Your Word.   You are good, even when I don't expect it.