A Change in Plans

I am a planner.   I make lists...then I list my lists.   It's something I do without really thinking about it.     Whether I am planning a meal or shooting a wedding, there is this eternal list going on inside my brain.   Sometimes the list will actually make it to paper, but more times than not, it is just an invisible scrolling list in my mind.

After Jeff passed away, an immediate list started rolling in my brain of dreaded days to come.   The funeral, his birthday, the day our church would replace him as pastor, our 25th anniversary, but the day that I dreaded most was going to be Father's day.   It was number one on my list, then it kept popping up over and over.    Father's Day, and the father of my children is gone.

Father's Day would also mark the 5th anniversary of our church being in its new sanctuary...a building the my husband worked hard to see completed.   When we came to this church nearly 15 years ago, the forty or so people who worshipped there had a dream of building a new sanctuary and seeing it filled with unfamiliar faces.     Until then, it was only a dream, but shortly after we came the dream began to take legs.    It didn't happen over night.   It was a long hard fight!  With God's help and the hard work of a unified church, the dream finally became a reality on Father's Day, 2009.  

So perhaps that is why Father's Day stuck out so much to me.   I don't know.   I only know that I dreaded this first Father's Day without Jeff more than any other day on that list of dreaded days.  

I really felt helpless as to how to control my feelings regarding this day.    Feelings of panic...similar to suffocation.   In an effort to gain "control" over my feelings toward Father's Day, I decided to come up with a plan...to make a new list.    My plans included worship of course, followed by a trip to the cemetary to do something at his grave that I thought would honor him and give the kids a chance to say Happy Father's Day to Daddy.    Then I thought I would keep myself busy for the rest of the day with work until I would have to pack up an go back to Marianna for another week of cooking at camp.    Once in Marianna, I knew I would have so much to do that thinking about this dreaded day would be the last thing on my mind.

God, however, must not have been real impressed with my plans or my lists though.    Sometime Saturday I began to feel ill...not terrible, just not well.   But by the early morning hours of Sunday morning, I was incredibly sick...fever, chills, aches, stomach pain...it just kept getting worse.   I texted our worship leader to let him know I wouldn't make it to sound check but would still try to make it service.   The next thing I knew it was early afternoon and one son was already on his way to Marianna.   After a couple of hours, I felt like I might live and began to get ready to head to camp.   God gave me about 3 hours, just enough time to pack and drive to Marianna before the second wave of sickness rolled in.   Just as we pulled into the campground, I felt my fever go back up and I didn't even bother to unload my bags.   I simply got out of the car and into the camper where I crashed.   I'm not sure what happened for the next several hours, except I was in and out of coherency and was thankful for good friends and family who checked in on me.

Thankfully, by the next morning, I was well enough to go to work, however the fatigue and pain would linger for the next several days.    As a matter of fact, today (Thursday) is the first day that I have felt back up to 100%.   So, when it hit me today that God had completely altered my plans for this week...it was kinda an "ah-ha" moment for me.

"Ah-ha" because God never intended for me to do all the things that I had planned out for Father's Day.    He didn't intend for me to fear that day, or any other for that matter.   He didn't intend for me to make a big deal about it being the anniversary of the opening of the new sanctuary...I suspect my husband is up there begging Him to make me stop making a big deal of things.   Jeff never was one for Pomp and Circumstance.

"Ah-ha" because God, nor Jeff would've wanted me to be so heart broken over such a special day.   It is a day set aside for honoring men who have loved and raised the children God has blessed them with.   That is something I do everyday.   I honor him because when God gave me Jeff McFalls, He gave me someone that surpassed all the qualities I had on my list for a husband.   Then, when God began to give us children, I was even more amazed my this precious gift I had in him.   He was gentle and firm...and consistent (most of the time).   His love could not be diminished by the rebellion of a child, nor the failure to return the love shown.   He was Daddy in every way...a Godly example of what a man should be.   This was a day when I should celebrate...not be broken hearted.

"Ah-ha" because I realized that in the midst of being so sick...my plans had gone out the window.   I had lost my list.   God had changed my plans and in the aftermath, I discovered that my plans were silly plans anyway.   They weren't plans that were designed to move me along this path I am on...they were plans to dig in my heals and take root.    Taking root in deep grief is never a good thing.   See, God knew that as innocent as the plans on my list looked, my real aim was to make sure everyone remembered to grieve Jeff the way I grieve him.    Those plans do not come from Him.   (And Jeff McFalls would "have my hide" if he knew anything about those plans!)  I'm not saying God wants us to forget him...but there is a fine line I am going to have to be very careful to not fall prey to crossing it.   How do I know that God's plans differ from the plans I had for that day?  Well...I guess that's my last "Ah-ha".

"Ah-ha" that God has a plan for me...a plan to prosper me and not to harm me...a plan to give me a hope and a future.   Jeremiah 29:11  has been one of our favorite verses for our whole marriage.   This week, as I had my "Ah-ha" moment, the verses following held a new dearness to me..."Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.   You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

So tonight I am making a new list.   It's a seek and find list.   A list of all the things I am seeking from God...things for my future.    Things I believe He has promised me.   Things that can come only from Him...and only because they are in His plan for me.   A change in plans...maybe not so bad after all!