Today was perhaps the most unnerving day I've had so far. I can't really explain it but I felt completely overwhelmed and helpless. I wanted to just curl into a ball and cry...or hurl...or both. I suppose I knew it was coming, but I was blindsided by the severity of my emotions. I found myself sad, scared, overwhelmed and mad all at the same time (but mostly mad). I know it's not the thing you expect to hear from a pastor's wife, but I've promised to be honest and if I am going to be honest, well, today was the pits!
Several years ago, Jeff and I came to an agreement that he would handle all the bookkeeping for the family. For years he has paid all the bills, balanced the checkbook and just let me know when we had money to spend and when we didn't. Well, considering his recent diagnosis, he wanted me to be prepared for anything, so today was the day for me to get a crash course in paying bills. Now I'm a smart girl (or atleast I think I am), so this should have been a simple thing to do. Technically it wasn't bad, emotionally it was killing me.
The longer the day grew, the more anxious my heart became and the harder it became to hold the tears at bay. I understand that it is ok to cry and sometimes even therapeutic. I also understand that once I turn the faucet on, turning it off is next to impossible. My sweet husband was so sensative to my needs today. I know it kills him to see me like I was today. Still I couldn't pull out of the funk. Understanding, even better than me, what I needed, he sent me home. He said stay home, send the kids to church and just have some "me" time...translation, "Go home and have a good cry."
So home I went...only to feel the tension in my body grow. I walked into a messy house. Don't really know what I expected there, but today it just added to my frustration. There were dishes in the sink, a pile of laundry to be washed and their rooms were, well, let's just say that they won't be earning an allowance this week!
After feeding them, I sent the kids off to church and then I commenced to cleaning. Now, no one who knows me (really knows me) would accuse me of being a clean freak. I have a hard time staying focused on one task at a time. Normally I will start a task and ten minutes later I am distracted by an old picture or something else I haven't seen in years. But let me tell you, when I am mad I am a cleaning machine. I'm talking methodic and spotless! The madder I am, the cleaner my house will be.
I was in the kitchen. I took the stove apart, the coffee maker apart. I scrubbed everything in sight...swept and mopped...and the whole time I was balling my eyes out. I'm talking gut wrenching sobs. Friends called to check on me and I think they thought I was losing my mind. I was. With every wipe of the sponge, every swish of the broom, every scrub, I was crying out to God. "Lord, I don't understand why we have to go through this. I trust you. I'm pretty sure that I've always trusted you, but right now, Lord, I cannot get my mind around this. I need you to help me. I need a miracle, God." I ranted. I raved. I railed. I wailed. But what I couldn't do was hear. I couldn't hear the God that I serve saying anything.
The silence was deafening. So I cried and cleaned even harder. In my frustration, I called out to Him again. I was in the middle of wiping down the counters and everthing on them when I shouted amidst the tears, "God what am I supposed to do? You have to help me." I looked down at the plaque in my hand and I couldn't believe my eyes. There was my answer. This plaque has been sitting on my kitchen counter for years but many times gets pushed behind stuff or just gets over looked. I was dusting it off and I read it...I could hear God. The plaque simply says "Be still and know that I am God. Ps 46:10". Be still...stop trying to figure out what the future holds, how you will fix everything. Just be still, my child. Shhhh, it's gonna be ok...Daddy's here. Know that I am God...I am God...you are not. I have every detail of your life under control. Trust me. I want you to trust me.
There it was...peace. Reassurance that despite a bad report, a messy house, dissapointments and a broken heart, that God was in control and that I can trust Him. He will make our path straight. I believe that He will give us a miracle. There are two specific miracles I am asking for...one is Jeff's healing, the other is a spiritual matter. God assured me in a millisecond that He had this. That I could be still and should be still. I should be still because I trust Him. There is nothing that makes a Daddy happier than for His children to trust Him. Completely and totally trust Him.
Thank you, God, that You are trustworthy. Thank you for the gentle reminder that You are not worried about my situation...you have it under control. All I have to do is be still and know that you are God.
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