Our Journey (Post 25 )

Throughout our ordeal with cancer, I have had an unexplainable peace.   A peace that I didn't understand, much less be able to put it in words.  Oh, I've experienced moments of helplessness and shear terror, but even in those, I can feel God's presence near me.

I posted about one of those times Wednesday night.   Yesterday (Thursday), the neatest thing happened to me.   I'm not sure whose benefit this post is for.  Sometimes, I feel that I'm writing for an audience, to encourage and give hope to others who might be going through difficult situations.   Sometimes, I know it's just for me...a way of getting everything out before I explode.   Today, I think it may be for both.

All along the way, we have discussed the possibility of Jeff not being healed this side of heaven.   It's not a possibility we like to consider, but we understand that people die of cancer everyday.   With the reoccurrence of his cancer, we were forced to discuss things that we hoped we would not discuss until we were well into our 80's.

Though it's not what we want, Jeff is okay with the possibility.   He knows what awaits him and though he doesn't want to leave his family, being with Jesus is going to be amazing.   I, on the other hand, am not okay with that possibily.   Don't get me wrong, I too know where he is going and I know God would take care of us and help us through it, but I just don't believe that God is through with him on this earth yet.  I have believed from day one that God will heal him...I still hold to that.

I was struggling with this very thought yesterday...wondering if maybe I was over spiritualizing everything, when I recieved a phone call.  A most unusual phone call.

I recieved a phone call from a friend. This friend is one of those friends that I can go for months and not speak to, but if we are ever together it is like we were never apart.   Occassionally God will lay this friend on my heart and I'll call her to check on her.   She does the same for me but we live more than 100 miles apart and don't get to chat often.   One thing I have learned about this friend is that she doesn't need all the details in order to pray.  I can paint with broad strokes for her and God always seems to direct her to where the real need is.   She is in-tune with Him and though she has on occassion delivered a timely word to me, she never over-spiritualizes things...at least not that I have seen.   She has been a mentor, friend and prayer partner for many years.  I trust that when she gives me advice that she is not doing so for her own gain or fame, but because she truly cares about me and has talked to God about my problem.

So yesterday, she calls me.   She doesn't know the discussions Jeff and I have been having.  She doesn't know the private battle that is raging inside my mind.   She just believes she has heard from God and wants to tell me what she's heard.   She even prefaced what she had to say by telling me that if she was off base I could disregard or throw out anything that didn't fit.   She couldn't have been more right on if she'd tried.  I believe that God used her to build my faith...and I hope it will build yours as well.  Here's what she had to say to me...to the best of my memory.

"God already knows the beginning from the end.  He knows exactly how many days Jeff has on this Earth.   So what if...what if...God plans for Jeff to live to be seventy something?   To see his kids raised and married?  To enjoy grandchildren?  And what if Satan, knowing that Jeff is a servant of God and pastor with a heart for the community in which he has been placed, wants to undermind God's plan.   Now he can't destroy God's plan for Jeff's life...all he can do is convince Jeff that God is through with him.   So what if he uses the medical field to convince Jeff that his life is over?   If Jeff believes the lie then he gives up and "accepts" his "fate".   And maybe God allows that kind of temptation to strengthen our faith.    Don't believe the lie!  Keep trusting God for miraculous healing and for many years of ministry."

Our conversation was short but God continued to speak to me throughout the rest of the day and into the night.   Already He has driven home the "Do you trust me?" question.    Now, he is reminding me that we have an enemy who will do whatever he can to get us to lose sight of the prize.   I believe that God is going to heal my husband this side of heaven.   I believe that we will grow old together.   If I am wrong, then I believe I serve a God who can heal my broken heart and give me a new purpose in life.   But if I am right, I need friends who will come alongside us and help us believe for this miracle.   I don't know how it will come.  Perhaps with just a touch or perhaps it will be through the wisdom of medical professionals.   I'm asking our friends and family to have faith with us.   To believe in a God who heals.   And to believe that God will heal Jeff.    I know some will think I've lost my mind...some will think I just can't cope.   But God knows my heart...He has heard my deepest cries.   Will you please believe with us?  This I know for sure...the God I serve is not cruel.   He knew the thoughts that were inside my head that I wouldn't even verbalize to my husband.   He used a friend who was hours away to tell me that He is listening to my prayers...He just wants me to keep believing!