They warned me that the first year would be the hardest. It would be filled with firsts. Our first Christmas without him, the first Easter, the first Father's day...the first Birthday. Well, today was the first birthday since Jeff was promoted to Heaven. I have no doubt that he has had a glorious day...worshipping his King and celebrating with Him. But for those of us left here...it has been a day filled with emotion.
For me, it was a day of reflecting on all the things I loved about this man. I am grateful for every moment that I was able to share his amazing life. As I pondered all the things that attracted me to him, a thought occurred to me. This is the reason for tonight's blog.
When I met Jeff McFalls, in September of 1988, he was already in Bible College, pursuing a degree that would launch him toward his calling of becoming a minister. Jeff was an older student (26) and so was I (21) so we really weren't into playing any dating games. We both were dedicated to the calling God had placed on our lives and believed that casual dating was a distraction that neither of us needed. We only wanted to pursue a relationship if this was part of God's plan...otherwise, we could be friends but we wanted to "guard our hearts" (Proverbs 4:23).
If I could give young people who feel that they are called into full time ministry one piece of advice...it would be that you do what Jeff McFalls did on our 3rd date. We were sitting in his car, outside Perkit's Yogurt Shop in Cleveland, TN, when Jeff began to ask questions. First, he asked about my salvation experience. Then about my views on the Holy Spirit, sanctification, the Bible, the Church, my calling, and the list goes on. For nearly 3 hours, we discussed what I was reading in my daily devotions and the fact that I felt called to ministry at age 15. What did that mean to me? How did I see myself fulfilling that calling?
By the time that conversation came to an end, it was clear to both of us that we shared the same vision for ministry. So, then came the question...was the timing right and did we believe that it was God's plan for us (individually) to pursue a dating relationship. I'm so glad we chose to pursue!
Just a few weeks later it became evident to us that God had indeed put us together and that we were better together than we could ever be alone. At that point it was just a matter of formalities...plan that wedding and let's get this show on the road! We were married just 10 months after our decision to date.
Now here is where the advice comes in... Young ministers, don't be afraid to ask all the questions. Listen carefully and don't be afraid to walk away if the answers are wrong. Ask the questions early...before your heart gets involved. If God has called you to ministry and He intends for you to be married...then He calls your spouse as well. We have witnessed marriages and ministries that have failed because only one felt the calling...the other just felt the responsibility and soon came to resent it.
Jeff and I fell hopelessly in love...but only after that conversation. And we understood that although we loved each other deeply, we loved God more. During the course of our marriage, there were times that I began to resent the ministry...it was then that I would realize that I had put Jeff in front of God. I'm so thankful for a Godly man who was never afraid to address the hard issues with me. He was gentle but firm, reminding me that God had to come first. On more than occasion he had to remind me about the "test" and my answers. Even though this would make me mad, I knew he was so right. God had called me long before Jeff came on the scene and He deserved my full dedication.
A week or so before he passed, we were laying in bed one night talking. He reminded me again of the "test". He said, "You know, I'm so glad that God let me share in your ministry." My ministry? I really had never thought about it that way. I always thought about it as me sharing in his ministry...but that night, he recognized that I had a calling on my life as well.
Today, I struggled with thoughts of him. I long to have him here...working alongside me again. But that was not what God had planned. I don't know what this next season of life will bring. I have a few ideas, but at this point, I am just praying and asking God to open all the right doors. I am thankful that God gave me such an incredible man, to encourage and challenge me to pursue the calling placed on my life.
My prayer for all those who are called to ministry is that He would pair you with someone as incredible and custom-made for you as He did for me. A part of me is missing now...but I trust God to fill the empty places. His plan for my life is so much better than anything I can dream of. As long as He is glorified, I am good with anything.
I am thankful for the "test" and oh so glad that I passed. Happy Birthday, my love...thank you for making me better, for teaching me to be brave, for encouraging me to pursue the calling God placed on my life. I'm honored to have been your wife...I will forever love you.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Our Journey Post 45 (Missing Him)
I drove away from the doctors office and began to sob. It wasn't the stupid box...it was that I miss my husband. I miss his smell. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his temper. I miss his wisdom. I miss his voice. I miss his embrace. I miss his sarcasm. I miss his presence. I just miss him.
I hear people complain about their spouses and how they aren't meeting their needs and I just want to scream, "I would give anything to have mine here to aggrevate me!" On days like today, I just wonder why God had to take the other half of me...
I struggle, yet I know that God sees my tears and He weeps with me. The comfort I need today can only come from God. It is strange that I can be so angry with Him for taking Jeff, yet at the same time I know that He is where I will find refuge. He is my comforter. As I struggle with decisions and a new normal, I understand that God is right here with me.
His Word has become a lifeline for me. This morning I read, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Gen 50:20. It reminded me that the very thing that it appears would destroy me, when surrendered to God, will become a mighty tool to do something I cannot even fathom.
In Psalms I read, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God,for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Honestly, today was a day when I didn't "feel" like praising Him. Gone was the Libby who stood at her husband's casket and celebrated the goodness of God. Today, my soul was sad...downcast. It was a day to mourn all the hopes and dreams that are now lost. A day of why's and why not's. I am so thankful though, that I have a personal relationship with a God who can not only handle my questions, He has allowed me to learn that praising Him has nothing to do with how I "feel". I don't do it because I "feel" like it. Just like I didn't love Jeff because I "felt" like it. Somedays he was easy to love...but let's be honest...somedays he wasn't. If I had only loved him when I felt like it, our marriage would have never survived the first year. Many times I had to love him inspite of what I felt...but because he was my husband. Likewise, there are times when I praise God, not because of what I feel but because of who He is.
Why, my soul, are you downcast...Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him... Sometimes, I just have to tell my heart what it will do. I will praise Him. I have to remind myself that God intends this for my good. So I will praise Him. When I miss my love, I will command my heart to praise the God I serve. He is faithful...He will not fail me. The same God who dries my tears, cries alongside me.
Oh Lord, hear my cry tonight. Hold Your servant and heal my broken heart. Accomplish in me whatever You choose. The things that were meant to destroy me, please use for the saving of many lives. Remind me to praise You when my soul is downcast...especially when my soul is downcast. Let the tears that flood my eyes, be a soothing balm. For You are my Savior and my God...my love, my heart is with you now. Until that day when I can be with You, too, keep all that I have committed to You. I will hope in You.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Our Journey Post 44 (Worth it)
Jeff has been gone for over a week now. The house is quiet...painfully quiet. Soon we will discover our new "normal". I miss him terribly but I have the most unexplainable peace that he is doing exactly what he has lived for the past thirty years...I know he is worshipping Jesus. God has met or is meeting every need that our family has, so I am not fretting over that. This must be that peace that surpasses all understanding that I've heard about all my life.
When we found out that Jeff had cancer, we discussed our fears and our dreams. We talked about our frustrations and our heartaches. Jeff wanted to see Doran and Abbi graduate. He wanted to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day and threaten the young man who would take her within an inch of his life if he ever hurt her. He wanted to see Zac and Doran finish college and become whatever God had called them be. He wanted to see our grandchildren...and spoil them. He wanted to see Medart Assembly's new building completed and the old one renovated into something that would attract teens and children so that they could meet Christ.
Dreams... visions... vapors. I remember railing at God that 25 years with my love was not enough and He would have to rethink this and give me more. I begged God for 10, 15, or 50 more years. Jeff said 50 was too much...he was always so practical!
Jeff's diagnosis with cancer came on the heels of one of the darkest periods we ever experienced in our ministry. We felt completely betrayed and abandoned. I couldn't imagine why God was letting us go through such an awful time and it seemed that even He had turned His back on us. I can only imagine how Christ must have felt on the cross when God turned away. Undescribable emptiness.
So for this diagnosis to come right after such an awful trial, I was very distraught one morning and crying out to God in my anger. Jeff came into the living room and sat down with me. He held me and we cried. I was groping for answers and I turned to him and said, "This must be for a greater reason." It was the only way I could keep from wanting to walk away from this God I had dedicated my life to. There must be a greater reason.
For the next couple of hours we just held each other and talked. We talked about our children. We talked about our families. We talked about our church. I said to him, "Maybe this is so that Zac (our oldest) can find his way back to God and His plan for him." Jeff's face lit up at that possibility. He would gladly endure cancer, treatments, even death to see his boy serving God and worshipping the way he once did.
The next part made me giggle a little. I said, "What if this is for all those who have walked away or betrayed us in the past? What if God wants to call them back to be reconciled?" "Ok, well, I'm not OK with that one!", he replied. He was honest to a fault. It was not that Jeff did not want them to be reconciled...he longed for that...it was just he wasn't willing to pay such a high price for their reconciliation.
News of Jeff's diagnosis spread quickly. Some relationships were healed immediately. Some were not. I can't explain how God does things.
But in one relationship, a miracle took place. I watched the relationship between Jeff and Zac transform before my eyes. Those two had struggled through the teen years and early adulthood. Zac is very much like his dad in many ways and because of that they butted heads...often. But in the midst of this whole battle with cancer, God performed a miracle in our son.
From a very early age, Zac has always loved acting. To say he is dramatic is an understatement. Yet he struggled to find his place in the church. During his teen years, he bought into a lie that said he could only persue his dream of being an actor if he chased the world's dreams for him. There was no place for him in the church. Satan is such a liar.
We called out to God on our son's behalf and begged God to block out the lies. Still, everyday he seemed to slip further and further from us. The relationship between a rebelious son and hard headed dad grew more and more tense. Still, every night as we lay in bed, Jeff would talk about Zac's future and dreams he had for him. He prayed for him like no other. He understood Zac's rebellion much better than I, because he had been there.
With the diagnosis, Zac and Jeff began to find their way back to each other. They spent valuable time together again. Sometimes they just sat and watched tv together, sometimes they talked, sometimes they just were.
One night while we were laying in bed, we talked about our children and their futures. His voice cracked as he spoke of how proud he was of all of them. He dreamed for their futures. He said to me then, "Zac's gonna be ok...he just has to find his way...God is going to help him and then He'll be able to use him. Just wait and see."
Just a couple of weeks later we were saying goodbye for the last time. Last Thursday, we laid his body to rest. On Friday, my boys left for a weekend preview with inCharacter School of Ministry...a school that specializes in using the arts as a form of ministry. Zac returned with a newfound faith and a purpose! Last night, we filled out his application to the school for Fall. If all goes well, he will begin his ministry training in the Fall of 2014.
I cannot think of anything his father would want more. At Jeff's funeral, the song, "It's Gonna Be Worth It" played over and over and over. I know without a doubt, that Jeff is singing the past tense of that song now...It was all worth it! (My son has come home), It was all worth it! (I'm with my Lord!), It was all worth it...(I can't wait until you all get here, too!)
When we found out that Jeff had cancer, we discussed our fears and our dreams. We talked about our frustrations and our heartaches. Jeff wanted to see Doran and Abbi graduate. He wanted to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day and threaten the young man who would take her within an inch of his life if he ever hurt her. He wanted to see Zac and Doran finish college and become whatever God had called them be. He wanted to see our grandchildren...and spoil them. He wanted to see Medart Assembly's new building completed and the old one renovated into something that would attract teens and children so that they could meet Christ.
Dreams... visions... vapors. I remember railing at God that 25 years with my love was not enough and He would have to rethink this and give me more. I begged God for 10, 15, or 50 more years. Jeff said 50 was too much...he was always so practical!
Jeff's diagnosis with cancer came on the heels of one of the darkest periods we ever experienced in our ministry. We felt completely betrayed and abandoned. I couldn't imagine why God was letting us go through such an awful time and it seemed that even He had turned His back on us. I can only imagine how Christ must have felt on the cross when God turned away. Undescribable emptiness.
So for this diagnosis to come right after such an awful trial, I was very distraught one morning and crying out to God in my anger. Jeff came into the living room and sat down with me. He held me and we cried. I was groping for answers and I turned to him and said, "This must be for a greater reason." It was the only way I could keep from wanting to walk away from this God I had dedicated my life to. There must be a greater reason.
For the next couple of hours we just held each other and talked. We talked about our children. We talked about our families. We talked about our church. I said to him, "Maybe this is so that Zac (our oldest) can find his way back to God and His plan for him." Jeff's face lit up at that possibility. He would gladly endure cancer, treatments, even death to see his boy serving God and worshipping the way he once did.
The next part made me giggle a little. I said, "What if this is for all those who have walked away or betrayed us in the past? What if God wants to call them back to be reconciled?" "Ok, well, I'm not OK with that one!", he replied. He was honest to a fault. It was not that Jeff did not want them to be reconciled...he longed for that...it was just he wasn't willing to pay such a high price for their reconciliation.
News of Jeff's diagnosis spread quickly. Some relationships were healed immediately. Some were not. I can't explain how God does things.
But in one relationship, a miracle took place. I watched the relationship between Jeff and Zac transform before my eyes. Those two had struggled through the teen years and early adulthood. Zac is very much like his dad in many ways and because of that they butted heads...often. But in the midst of this whole battle with cancer, God performed a miracle in our son.
From a very early age, Zac has always loved acting. To say he is dramatic is an understatement. Yet he struggled to find his place in the church. During his teen years, he bought into a lie that said he could only persue his dream of being an actor if he chased the world's dreams for him. There was no place for him in the church. Satan is such a liar.
We called out to God on our son's behalf and begged God to block out the lies. Still, everyday he seemed to slip further and further from us. The relationship between a rebelious son and hard headed dad grew more and more tense. Still, every night as we lay in bed, Jeff would talk about Zac's future and dreams he had for him. He prayed for him like no other. He understood Zac's rebellion much better than I, because he had been there.
With the diagnosis, Zac and Jeff began to find their way back to each other. They spent valuable time together again. Sometimes they just sat and watched tv together, sometimes they talked, sometimes they just were.
One night while we were laying in bed, we talked about our children and their futures. His voice cracked as he spoke of how proud he was of all of them. He dreamed for their futures. He said to me then, "Zac's gonna be ok...he just has to find his way...God is going to help him and then He'll be able to use him. Just wait and see."
Just a couple of weeks later we were saying goodbye for the last time. Last Thursday, we laid his body to rest. On Friday, my boys left for a weekend preview with inCharacter School of Ministry...a school that specializes in using the arts as a form of ministry. Zac returned with a newfound faith and a purpose! Last night, we filled out his application to the school for Fall. If all goes well, he will begin his ministry training in the Fall of 2014.
I cannot think of anything his father would want more. At Jeff's funeral, the song, "It's Gonna Be Worth It" played over and over and over. I know without a doubt, that Jeff is singing the past tense of that song now...It was all worth it! (My son has come home), It was all worth it! (I'm with my Lord!), It was all worth it...(I can't wait until you all get here, too!)
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Our Journey #43 (Home Sweet Home)
It's early in the morning on the day that we will lay the love of my life to rest. Sleep will not come for me tonight, only memories. Jeff made me promise that I would finish telling this story. I will continue writing until it is complete...many still need to hear.
On Friday evening, life as I knew it began to take a sharp change. We had planned for months to perform a wedding for sweet friends who attended our church. Jeff would perform the ceremony and I would shoot it. Jeff did his normal pre-marital counseling and I was able to sit in on a couple of the sessions. The wedding was to be performed outside by the river, but flooding forced us to move inside. It was a good thing, as he had grown very weak over the course of a few days.
At eight o'clock, Jeff performed a beautiful ceremony for Robert and Sarah, while I clicked away with my camera. I must admit, I struggled to keep my focus on the Bride and Groom...my camera seemed trained on him. Once the ceremony was over and he had been helped into the car, I did something that perhaps wasn't professional...but I am so glad I did. I walked over to the car and I planted a sweet kiss on my love. We exchanged, "I love you"'s and they drove away. I headed to the reception, back in photographer mode, but thoughts of my husband were never more than a breath away. Less than an hour passed before I noticed two missed calls from my precious sister-in-law. Her words were filled with both fear and concern for me. "Libby, we think Jeff has had a stroke. We've called the paramedics. Come quickly but don't drive, have someone bring you."
My sweet Brittany drove me straight to our house, while I made frantic phone calls to prayer partners, family and board members. He was already in the ambulance when we got there and I just jumped in. Immediately, I started praying...then I looked around. There in that ambulance were men who had sat under my husband's teaching and one from a neighboring church. He leaned over and said, "Just keep praying." That's what I did.
As we approached the hospital, he began to regain consciousness. He knew me, he knew Jerry(one of the paramedics who was from our church). He began to squeeze my hand and I just kept on praying. At the ER, they told me that he had suffered a TIA, a warning stroke. God was merciful and gave us a couple of hours of coherency, where he knew us and was able to talk to us.
He was able to talk to each of the kids. He told them that he wanted them to chase their dreams and love Jesus. It was what he has told them all their lives. He reminded me that I knew what to do, as we had discussed in depth what his wishes were.
The hospital waiting room filled up quickly...speaking volumes about the man who held my hand. Soon, he began to get sleepy and was in and out for some time. They moved him to the cancer floor and as they were checking him onto the floor, he and I exchanged a quick little "look" and smile. That smile that I love so much.
From the cancer floor, we moved to the Hospice House (Big Bend Hospice) and there we began to escort him to heavens gate. We would only be allowed to go so far.
My dear friends, Tony Miller and Kim Miller Parker, came in from Columbus and coached me through those final hours. God was so merciful. They explained to me everything that was happening. His breathing changed. Tony whispered to me that he liked to refer to that as the patient singing his way home as it was rhythmic and calm.
Well, I decided that if Jeff was singing, I would join him. It was something we often did in the car. He was usually off key, but that day it was my turn to be off key...still we were in perfect harmony. I started singing a praise chorus that was one of our favorites, "It's gonna be worth it, It's gonna be worth it, It's gonna be worth it all...I believe it". Soon, another voice joined in...then another and another and another. We kept on singing and more people kept on joining us. I cannot tell you who was in the room, just that their voices sounded like angels singing. I looked up at one point and there must have been 30 people in that room. All singing, hands raised toward Heaven. We were providing an escort as a soldier was returning home.
Then it occurred to me that if I was holding his hand when Jesus took his hand, my hand might just brush against my Master. I held his hand and sang to my sweet husband as Jesus came and took his hand. I don't think he looked back...he loved me, yes...but only less than he loved his Lord. Softly, sweetly, he left this Earth and joined a multitude of friends and family in Heaven.
The last few days have been a blur. But God has remained faithful to me. He promised to comfort me, and He has. He promised to provide, and He has. He promised me love and He has opened the flood gate of Heaven and poured love upon our family. I can certainly say that God is good! His mercy endures forever.
In just a few hours we will meet to celebrate Jeff's home going. He was adamant about not wanting this service to be about him but instead to be about the one he spent his life serving. He wanted an all out worship service. One where God is glorified and people are drawn to give their lives to Him. That is what He is going to get. We will worship our Lord...not because we do not grieve, but because we do not grieve without hope.
Jeff is home...we are still on the journey. He always did want to get wherever he was going early! Tonight, hundreds of friends filed in to pay their respects and love on our family. Each of us on a journey...not in the same place but moving nonetheless. Some of us are headed home and some of us are still searching. If I know my husband, he was shouting from Heaven, "Come this way!!! This is the way home!!!"
So today as we celebrate that he has made it home, I pray that those who are still searching will listen closely. Let us show you the way. There would be no higher honor.
Oh God, You are Sovreign. You know our first day from our last. You did not take Jeff early...You had this planned all along. Help us through these days. Thank you for being merciful. Now Lord, as we worship You, today, would you help us point others to You. Let me be like a huge billboard, shouting, "This way to Jesus!!!". Take what happens today and bless it exponentially. Let it explode and catch like wildfire. Let revival breakout and let Your work not only continue but be done on even higher and more excellent level than ever before. Bless the church that has loved him and followed his leadership for nearly 15 years. Bless the missionaries who he dearly loved and provide for them to be able to proclaim your Good News to the world. No Limits...blow our minds!
On Friday evening, life as I knew it began to take a sharp change. We had planned for months to perform a wedding for sweet friends who attended our church. Jeff would perform the ceremony and I would shoot it. Jeff did his normal pre-marital counseling and I was able to sit in on a couple of the sessions. The wedding was to be performed outside by the river, but flooding forced us to move inside. It was a good thing, as he had grown very weak over the course of a few days.
At eight o'clock, Jeff performed a beautiful ceremony for Robert and Sarah, while I clicked away with my camera. I must admit, I struggled to keep my focus on the Bride and Groom...my camera seemed trained on him. Once the ceremony was over and he had been helped into the car, I did something that perhaps wasn't professional...but I am so glad I did. I walked over to the car and I planted a sweet kiss on my love. We exchanged, "I love you"'s and they drove away. I headed to the reception, back in photographer mode, but thoughts of my husband were never more than a breath away. Less than an hour passed before I noticed two missed calls from my precious sister-in-law. Her words were filled with both fear and concern for me. "Libby, we think Jeff has had a stroke. We've called the paramedics. Come quickly but don't drive, have someone bring you."
My sweet Brittany drove me straight to our house, while I made frantic phone calls to prayer partners, family and board members. He was already in the ambulance when we got there and I just jumped in. Immediately, I started praying...then I looked around. There in that ambulance were men who had sat under my husband's teaching and one from a neighboring church. He leaned over and said, "Just keep praying." That's what I did.
As we approached the hospital, he began to regain consciousness. He knew me, he knew Jerry(one of the paramedics who was from our church). He began to squeeze my hand and I just kept on praying. At the ER, they told me that he had suffered a TIA, a warning stroke. God was merciful and gave us a couple of hours of coherency, where he knew us and was able to talk to us.
He was able to talk to each of the kids. He told them that he wanted them to chase their dreams and love Jesus. It was what he has told them all their lives. He reminded me that I knew what to do, as we had discussed in depth what his wishes were.
The hospital waiting room filled up quickly...speaking volumes about the man who held my hand. Soon, he began to get sleepy and was in and out for some time. They moved him to the cancer floor and as they were checking him onto the floor, he and I exchanged a quick little "look" and smile. That smile that I love so much.
From the cancer floor, we moved to the Hospice House (Big Bend Hospice) and there we began to escort him to heavens gate. We would only be allowed to go so far.
My dear friends, Tony Miller and Kim Miller Parker, came in from Columbus and coached me through those final hours. God was so merciful. They explained to me everything that was happening. His breathing changed. Tony whispered to me that he liked to refer to that as the patient singing his way home as it was rhythmic and calm.
Well, I decided that if Jeff was singing, I would join him. It was something we often did in the car. He was usually off key, but that day it was my turn to be off key...still we were in perfect harmony. I started singing a praise chorus that was one of our favorites, "It's gonna be worth it, It's gonna be worth it, It's gonna be worth it all...I believe it". Soon, another voice joined in...then another and another and another. We kept on singing and more people kept on joining us. I cannot tell you who was in the room, just that their voices sounded like angels singing. I looked up at one point and there must have been 30 people in that room. All singing, hands raised toward Heaven. We were providing an escort as a soldier was returning home.
Then it occurred to me that if I was holding his hand when Jesus took his hand, my hand might just brush against my Master. I held his hand and sang to my sweet husband as Jesus came and took his hand. I don't think he looked back...he loved me, yes...but only less than he loved his Lord. Softly, sweetly, he left this Earth and joined a multitude of friends and family in Heaven.
The last few days have been a blur. But God has remained faithful to me. He promised to comfort me, and He has. He promised to provide, and He has. He promised me love and He has opened the flood gate of Heaven and poured love upon our family. I can certainly say that God is good! His mercy endures forever.
In just a few hours we will meet to celebrate Jeff's home going. He was adamant about not wanting this service to be about him but instead to be about the one he spent his life serving. He wanted an all out worship service. One where God is glorified and people are drawn to give their lives to Him. That is what He is going to get. We will worship our Lord...not because we do not grieve, but because we do not grieve without hope.
Jeff is home...we are still on the journey. He always did want to get wherever he was going early! Tonight, hundreds of friends filed in to pay their respects and love on our family. Each of us on a journey...not in the same place but moving nonetheless. Some of us are headed home and some of us are still searching. If I know my husband, he was shouting from Heaven, "Come this way!!! This is the way home!!!"
So today as we celebrate that he has made it home, I pray that those who are still searching will listen closely. Let us show you the way. There would be no higher honor.
Oh God, You are Sovreign. You know our first day from our last. You did not take Jeff early...You had this planned all along. Help us through these days. Thank you for being merciful. Now Lord, as we worship You, today, would you help us point others to You. Let me be like a huge billboard, shouting, "This way to Jesus!!!". Take what happens today and bless it exponentially. Let it explode and catch like wildfire. Let revival breakout and let Your work not only continue but be done on even higher and more excellent level than ever before. Bless the church that has loved him and followed his leadership for nearly 15 years. Bless the missionaries who he dearly loved and provide for them to be able to proclaim your Good News to the world. No Limits...blow our minds!
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Our Journey Post 42 (When the going gets tough...it just did!)
I have struggled for days, trying to find the right words to write this post. This has by far been the most heart wrenching week of my life. I have cried more than should be humanly possible...to the point that I didn't recognize myself the next morning when I looked in a mirror. I have been open and honest about my feelings since the beginning of this blog and tonight will be no different. If that kind of honesty is too much for you, you may want to stop reading now...it's about to get very real.
Jeff & I will be married for 25 years on August 5th of this year. He will celebrate 30 years of being a Christ follower in November. His 52nd birthday is on March 31st. Our middle son graduates in June. Our daughter begins high school in August. In August we also will celebrate 15 years as pastor of Medart Assembly of God. 2014 was to be our year of mile stones. The year that we celebrate all that God has helped us accomplish. Then Thursday happened.
Thursday, we went to see Jeff's oncologist. He was supposed to have a chemo treatment and our doctor had just returned from an extended vacation in India. We were expecting to get the results from the scans that had been performed the week before. We thought we were prepared...we were not.
What Dr. Bandheri had to tell us sent us spiraling out of control. Dr. Bandheri first told us what we suspected, that the chemo he was on was no longer working. But he didn't stop there...not only was that chemo no longer working...he didn't think any of the chemo drugs available would work for us either. His recommendation...stop treatment, call hospice and prepare to die. Then came the big shocker...the time table. Weeks. Maybe months. If we were lucky. What? Wait...what did he just say? Noooooooo...this cannot be happening. Jeff just had a scan in January that showed the tumors were still shrinking...how did we go from that to no more options in one month? This just doesn't make sense.
We left the doctors office in tears and complete silence. I sobbed all the way home, finding it hard to breathe myself. I messaged a couple of friends and family members. I needed someone to wake me up and tell me that this was a bad dream and all was well. Only I wasn't dreaming. Things just got really real.
How could I possibly be about to lose my husband. I cried out to God...Please take me instead! Or at least take me, too. I found myself so angry that it scared me. I was angry at cancer. But perhaps for the first time in my life I was really angry with God. (This is where I'm being totally honest...hang with me.)
I was 15 when I felt God call me to ministry. I dedicated my life to doing whatever He called me to do. I didn't pursue certain dreams that could've profitted me because I felt a higher calling and was committed to fulfill that calling. At age 21, I went to Bible college against the advice of many in my life. I did not go to Lee on a "man-hunt" as many have done...I went on a ministry hunt. I knew I was called to ministry and I went there to prepare myself for a life of servanthood. Within the first semester there, however, I met Jeff McFalls and an amazing journey began. He too, was on a mission to prepare himself for ministry and didn't have time to search for a girlfriend. We weren't looking for each other, but God brought us together anyway...it was nothing short of miraculous. Long story short, we fell in love and married a few months later...and together we pursued a lifetime of ministry.
So on Thursday, when that precious doctor told us that Jeff's life would soon end, I lost it! What do you mean, God? We have dedicated our lives to you. We have sacrificed. We have endured. We have praised you in the midst of dark days. How can you do this to us? How can you take him? This is not fair!!
I AM WITH YOU. It was faint, like a whisper...but I heard it. I AM WITH YOU. You are not alone. I AM WITH YOU. There is not one step on this journey that I have missed. I AM WITH YOU.
And then I began to feel His presence and sense His encouragement. Through friends and through personal study, He began to lead me to passages in the Bible that reminded me that the doctors may have done all they can do, but the Great Physician is not out of options.
He reminded me of the power that He gave to Ezekial to prophesy to dry bones and see them come back to life. He reminded me to not be afraid...that when I pass through the waters he would be with me...as I walk through the fire, I would not be burned. He reminded me of all the impossible miracles He performed in the Bible. He pointed out Lazarus...now that was a hopeless case.
He reminded me that from the beginning of this whole cancer ordeal, we SAID we wanted Him to get the glory. Well, it's time to put our money where our mouth is. Now is the time that we must trust Him completely. I'm looking at my frail husband, who just 2 years ago was healthy as a horse...and I have to say, "God, I trust you with his future."
He is struggling...breathing is a fight. But our trust is in God. His body is frail...but our trust is in God. Without a miracle, his time is short. And yes, I know that either way is a win for him...but I am standing in faith that God isn't finished with him yet. We are not giving up.
Tonight, I am speaking (with the power of our sovreign Lord) to his lungs and commanding them to take in air. I am speaking to his heart and telling it to get in right rhythm. You can call me nuts if you want to...honestly, I don't care. I am calling on all our friends and family to come alongside us and pray believing, too. Jeff McFalls is loyal friend and comrade. He is friend to fellow pastors and to missionaries all over the world. But he is also a friend to the misfits...to those who aren't accepted by society. He has stood in the gap for so many...now he needs you to stand in the gap for him. Pray friends. Pray for the miraculous for us.
When the going gets tough, the tough go to God! That's all we know to do...but that's all we need to do. He is our hope...we will go to HIM!
Jeff & I will be married for 25 years on August 5th of this year. He will celebrate 30 years of being a Christ follower in November. His 52nd birthday is on March 31st. Our middle son graduates in June. Our daughter begins high school in August. In August we also will celebrate 15 years as pastor of Medart Assembly of God. 2014 was to be our year of mile stones. The year that we celebrate all that God has helped us accomplish. Then Thursday happened.
Thursday, we went to see Jeff's oncologist. He was supposed to have a chemo treatment and our doctor had just returned from an extended vacation in India. We were expecting to get the results from the scans that had been performed the week before. We thought we were prepared...we were not.
What Dr. Bandheri had to tell us sent us spiraling out of control. Dr. Bandheri first told us what we suspected, that the chemo he was on was no longer working. But he didn't stop there...not only was that chemo no longer working...he didn't think any of the chemo drugs available would work for us either. His recommendation...stop treatment, call hospice and prepare to die. Then came the big shocker...the time table. Weeks. Maybe months. If we were lucky. What? Wait...what did he just say? Noooooooo...this cannot be happening. Jeff just had a scan in January that showed the tumors were still shrinking...how did we go from that to no more options in one month? This just doesn't make sense.
We left the doctors office in tears and complete silence. I sobbed all the way home, finding it hard to breathe myself. I messaged a couple of friends and family members. I needed someone to wake me up and tell me that this was a bad dream and all was well. Only I wasn't dreaming. Things just got really real.
How could I possibly be about to lose my husband. I cried out to God...Please take me instead! Or at least take me, too. I found myself so angry that it scared me. I was angry at cancer. But perhaps for the first time in my life I was really angry with God. (This is where I'm being totally honest...hang with me.)
I was 15 when I felt God call me to ministry. I dedicated my life to doing whatever He called me to do. I didn't pursue certain dreams that could've profitted me because I felt a higher calling and was committed to fulfill that calling. At age 21, I went to Bible college against the advice of many in my life. I did not go to Lee on a "man-hunt" as many have done...I went on a ministry hunt. I knew I was called to ministry and I went there to prepare myself for a life of servanthood. Within the first semester there, however, I met Jeff McFalls and an amazing journey began. He too, was on a mission to prepare himself for ministry and didn't have time to search for a girlfriend. We weren't looking for each other, but God brought us together anyway...it was nothing short of miraculous. Long story short, we fell in love and married a few months later...and together we pursued a lifetime of ministry.
So on Thursday, when that precious doctor told us that Jeff's life would soon end, I lost it! What do you mean, God? We have dedicated our lives to you. We have sacrificed. We have endured. We have praised you in the midst of dark days. How can you do this to us? How can you take him? This is not fair!!
I AM WITH YOU. It was faint, like a whisper...but I heard it. I AM WITH YOU. You are not alone. I AM WITH YOU. There is not one step on this journey that I have missed. I AM WITH YOU.
And then I began to feel His presence and sense His encouragement. Through friends and through personal study, He began to lead me to passages in the Bible that reminded me that the doctors may have done all they can do, but the Great Physician is not out of options.
He reminded me of the power that He gave to Ezekial to prophesy to dry bones and see them come back to life. He reminded me to not be afraid...that when I pass through the waters he would be with me...as I walk through the fire, I would not be burned. He reminded me of all the impossible miracles He performed in the Bible. He pointed out Lazarus...now that was a hopeless case.
He reminded me that from the beginning of this whole cancer ordeal, we SAID we wanted Him to get the glory. Well, it's time to put our money where our mouth is. Now is the time that we must trust Him completely. I'm looking at my frail husband, who just 2 years ago was healthy as a horse...and I have to say, "God, I trust you with his future."
He is struggling...breathing is a fight. But our trust is in God. His body is frail...but our trust is in God. Without a miracle, his time is short. And yes, I know that either way is a win for him...but I am standing in faith that God isn't finished with him yet. We are not giving up.
Tonight, I am speaking (with the power of our sovreign Lord) to his lungs and commanding them to take in air. I am speaking to his heart and telling it to get in right rhythm. You can call me nuts if you want to...honestly, I don't care. I am calling on all our friends and family to come alongside us and pray believing, too. Jeff McFalls is loyal friend and comrade. He is friend to fellow pastors and to missionaries all over the world. But he is also a friend to the misfits...to those who aren't accepted by society. He has stood in the gap for so many...now he needs you to stand in the gap for him. Pray friends. Pray for the miraculous for us.
When the going gets tough, the tough go to God! That's all we know to do...but that's all we need to do. He is our hope...we will go to HIM!
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