They warned me that the first year would be the hardest. It would be filled with firsts. Our first Christmas without him, the first Easter, the first Father's day...the first Birthday. Well, today was the first birthday since Jeff was promoted to Heaven. I have no doubt that he has had a glorious day...worshipping his King and celebrating with Him. But for those of us left here...it has been a day filled with emotion.
For me, it was a day of reflecting on all the things I loved about this man. I am grateful for every moment that I was able to share his amazing life. As I pondered all the things that attracted me to him, a thought occurred to me. This is the reason for tonight's blog.
When I met Jeff McFalls, in September of 1988, he was already in Bible College, pursuing a degree that would launch him toward his calling of becoming a minister. Jeff was an older student (26) and so was I (21) so we really weren't into playing any dating games. We both were dedicated to the calling God had placed on our lives and believed that casual dating was a distraction that neither of us needed. We only wanted to pursue a relationship if this was part of God's plan...otherwise, we could be friends but we wanted to "guard our hearts" (Proverbs 4:23).
If I could give young people who feel that they are called into full time ministry one piece of advice...it would be that you do what Jeff McFalls did on our 3rd date. We were sitting in his car, outside Perkit's Yogurt Shop in Cleveland, TN, when Jeff began to ask questions. First, he asked about my salvation experience. Then about my views on the Holy Spirit, sanctification, the Bible, the Church, my calling, and the list goes on. For nearly 3 hours, we discussed what I was reading in my daily devotions and the fact that I felt called to ministry at age 15. What did that mean to me? How did I see myself fulfilling that calling?
By the time that conversation came to an end, it was clear to both of us that we shared the same vision for ministry. So, then came the question...was the timing right and did we believe that it was God's plan for us (individually) to pursue a dating relationship. I'm so glad we chose to pursue!
Just a few weeks later it became evident to us that God had indeed put us together and that we were better together than we could ever be alone. At that point it was just a matter of formalities...plan that wedding and let's get this show on the road! We were married just 10 months after our decision to date.
Now here is where the advice comes in... Young ministers, don't be afraid to ask all the questions. Listen carefully and don't be afraid to walk away if the answers are wrong. Ask the questions early...before your heart gets involved. If God has called you to ministry and He intends for you to be married...then He calls your spouse as well. We have witnessed marriages and ministries that have failed because only one felt the calling...the other just felt the responsibility and soon came to resent it.
Jeff and I fell hopelessly in love...but only after that conversation. And we understood that although we loved each other deeply, we loved God more. During the course of our marriage, there were times that I began to resent the ministry...it was then that I would realize that I had put Jeff in front of God. I'm so thankful for a Godly man who was never afraid to address the hard issues with me. He was gentle but firm, reminding me that God had to come first. On more than occasion he had to remind me about the "test" and my answers. Even though this would make me mad, I knew he was so right. God had called me long before Jeff came on the scene and He deserved my full dedication.
A week or so before he passed, we were laying in bed one night talking. He reminded me again of the "test". He said, "You know, I'm so glad that God let me share in your ministry." My ministry? I really had never thought about it that way. I always thought about it as me sharing in his ministry...but that night, he recognized that I had a calling on my life as well.
Today, I struggled with thoughts of him. I long to have him here...working alongside me again. But that was not what God had planned. I don't know what this next season of life will bring. I have a few ideas, but at this point, I am just praying and asking God to open all the right doors. I am thankful that God gave me such an incredible man, to encourage and challenge me to pursue the calling placed on my life.
My prayer for all those who are called to ministry is that He would pair you with someone as incredible and custom-made for you as He did for me. A part of me is missing now...but I trust God to fill the empty places. His plan for my life is so much better than anything I can dream of. As long as He is glorified, I am good with anything.
I am thankful for the "test" and oh so glad that I passed. Happy Birthday, my love...thank you for making me better, for teaching me to be brave, for encouraging me to pursue the calling God placed on my life. I'm honored to have been your wife...I will forever love you.
Amazing and Beautiful.
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