Our Journey Post 44 (Worth it)

Jeff has been gone for over a week now.  The house is quiet...painfully quiet.   Soon we will discover our new "normal".   I miss him terribly but I have the most unexplainable peace that he is doing exactly what he has lived for the past thirty years...I know he is worshipping Jesus.  God has met or is meeting every need that our family has, so I am not fretting over that.  This must be that peace that surpasses all understanding that I've heard about all my life.

When we found out that Jeff had cancer, we discussed our fears and our dreams.   We talked about our frustrations and our heartaches.   Jeff wanted to see Doran and Abbi graduate.   He wanted to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day and threaten the young man who would take her within an inch of his life if he ever hurt her.   He wanted to see Zac and Doran finish college and become whatever God had called them be.   He wanted to see our grandchildren...and spoil them.   He wanted to see Medart Assembly's new building completed and the old one renovated into something that would attract teens and children so that they could meet Christ.

Dreams... visions... vapors.   I remember railing at God that 25 years with my love was not enough and He would have to rethink this and give me more.   I begged God for 10, 15, or 50 more years.  Jeff said 50 was too much...he was always so practical!

Jeff's diagnosis with cancer came on the heels of one of the darkest periods we ever experienced in our ministry.  We felt completely betrayed and abandoned.   I couldn't imagine why God was letting us go through such an awful time and it seemed that even He had turned His back on us.   I can only imagine how Christ must have felt on the cross when God turned away.   Undescribable emptiness.  

So for this diagnosis to come right after such an awful trial, I was very distraught one morning and crying out to God in my anger.   Jeff came into the living room and sat down with me.  He held me and we cried.   I was groping for answers and I turned to him and said, "This must be for a greater reason."   It was the only way I could keep from wanting to walk away from this God I had dedicated my life to.   There must be a greater reason.

For the next couple of hours we just held each other and talked.   We talked about our children.   We talked about our families.  We talked about our church.   I said to him, "Maybe this is so that Zac (our oldest) can find his way back to God and His plan for him."    Jeff's face lit up at that possibility.   He would gladly endure cancer, treatments, even death to see his boy serving God and worshipping the way he once did.  

The next part made me giggle a little.   I said, "What if this is for all those who have walked away or betrayed us in the past?  What if God wants to call them back to be reconciled?"   "Ok, well, I'm not OK with that one!", he replied.  He was honest to a fault.   It was not that Jeff did not want them to be reconciled...he longed for that...it was just he wasn't willing to pay such a high price for their reconciliation.

News of Jeff's diagnosis spread quickly.   Some relationships were healed immediately.   Some were not.   I can't explain how God does things.

But in one relationship, a miracle took place.   I watched the relationship between Jeff and Zac transform before my eyes.    Those two had struggled through the teen years and early adulthood.  Zac is very much like his dad in many ways and because of that they butted heads...often.   But in the midst of this whole battle with cancer, God performed a miracle in our son.  

From a very early age, Zac has always loved acting.   To say he is dramatic is an understatement.   Yet he struggled to find his place in the church.  During his teen years, he bought into a lie that said he could only persue his dream of being an actor if he chased the world's dreams for him.  There was no place for him in the church.    Satan is such a liar.

We called out to God on our son's behalf and begged God to block out the lies.   Still, everyday he seemed to slip further and further from us.   The relationship between a rebelious son and hard headed dad grew more and more tense.   Still, every night as we lay in bed, Jeff would talk about Zac's future and dreams he had for him.   He prayed for him like no other.   He understood Zac's rebellion much better than I, because he had been there.  

With the diagnosis, Zac and Jeff began to find their way back to each other.   They spent valuable time together again.   Sometimes they just sat and watched tv together, sometimes they talked, sometimes they just were.  

One night while we were laying in bed, we talked about our children and their futures.   His voice cracked as he spoke of how proud he was of all of them.   He dreamed for their futures.   He said to me then, "Zac's gonna be ok...he just has to find his way...God is going to help him and then He'll be able to use him.  Just wait and see."

Just a couple of weeks later we were saying goodbye for the last time.   Last Thursday, we laid his body to rest.  On Friday, my boys left for a weekend preview with inCharacter School of Ministry...a school that specializes in using the arts as a form of ministry.   Zac returned with a newfound faith and a purpose!  Last night, we filled out his application to the school for Fall.   If all goes well, he will begin his ministry training in the Fall of 2014.  

I cannot think of anything his father would want more.   At Jeff's funeral, the song, "It's Gonna Be Worth It" played over and over and over.   I know without a doubt, that Jeff is singing the past tense of that song now...It was all worth it! (My son has come home), It was all worth it! (I'm with my Lord!), It was all worth it...(I can't wait until you all get here, too!)