Our Journey Post 45 (Missing Him)

Some days I miss him so much, it is hard to breath.   Today was one of those days.  This morning, I had a doctor's appointment and had to fill out paperwork.   It was the first time I had to check the "widow" box.   I didn't want to ever check that box.  I suppose no one does.  We were supposed to be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this year.

I drove away from the doctors office and began to sob.   It wasn't the stupid box...it was that I miss my husband.   I miss his smell.   I miss his smile.   I miss his laugh.  I miss his temper.   I miss his wisdom.   I miss his voice.  I miss his embrace.   I miss his sarcasm.   I miss his presence.  I just miss him.

I hear people complain about their spouses and how they aren't meeting their needs and I just want to scream, "I would give anything to have mine here to aggrevate me!"   On days like today, I just wonder why God had to take the other half of me...

I struggle, yet I know that God sees my tears and He weeps with me.   The comfort I need today can only come from God.   It is strange that I can be so angry with Him for taking Jeff, yet at the same time I know that He is where I will find refuge.   He is my comforter.  As I struggle with decisions and a new normal, I understand that God is right here with me.

His Word has become a lifeline for me.   This morning I read, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Gen 50:20.    It reminded me that the very thing that it appears would destroy me, when surrendered to God, will become a mighty tool to do something I cannot even fathom.

In Psalms I read, "Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God,for I will yet praise him,  my Savior and my God."   Honestly, today was a day when I didn't "feel" like praising Him.   Gone was the Libby who stood at her husband's casket and celebrated the goodness of God.   Today, my soul was sad...downcast.   It was a day to mourn all the hopes and dreams that are now lost.   A day of why's and why not's.   I am so thankful though, that I have a personal relationship with a God who can not only handle my questions, He has allowed me to learn that praising Him has nothing to do with how I "feel".   I don't do it because I "feel" like it.   Just like I didn't love Jeff because I "felt" like it.   Somedays he was easy to love...but let's be honest...somedays he wasn't.   If I had only loved him when I felt like it, our marriage would have never survived the first year.   Many times I had to love him inspite of what I felt...but because he was my husband.   Likewise, there are times when I praise God, not because of what I feel but because of who He is.

Why, my soul, are you downcast...Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him...   Sometimes, I just have to tell my heart what it will do.   I will praise Him.    I have to remind myself that God intends this for my good.   So I will praise Him.    When I miss my love, I will command my heart to praise the God I serve.   He is faithful...He will not fail me.   The same God who dries my tears, cries alongside me.  

Oh Lord, hear my cry tonight.   Hold Your servant and heal my broken heart.   Accomplish in me whatever You choose.   The things that were meant to destroy me, please use for the saving of many lives.   Remind me to praise You when my soul is downcast...especially when my soul is downcast.   Let the tears that flood my eyes, be a soothing balm.   For You are my Savior and my God...my love, my heart is with you now.   Until that day when I can be with You, too, keep all that I have committed to You.   I will hope in You.