Heaven

The past week has been a bittersweet week for me.  I traveled cross country to visit a friend and that was sweet...but it was my first time flying alone in more nearly 25 years...that was bitter.   Doran attended his Sr. prom and looked so handsome in his tux...but his dad wasn't here to see it.    People say to me that he is watching and perhaps he is...but I felt the loss of my husband deeply this week.  

Several times throughout the week, I found myself talking to God and just saying, "I can't believe you took him home."    I'm not mad at God...at least most of the time I'm not...but I cannot get my mind around why He would take him.   I doubt that it will ever make sense to me this side of heaven.   But if there is a truth that I have learned throughout this journey, it is that God is still God and He is still good.  I do not serve Him because He does things my way...I serve Him because I believe He is God.

Today we had lunch with some friends from out of town.   We met them in Tallahassee and had lunch with them.   Since we are not often able to be together in one place, I decided it would be a good day to try to catch a movie together.   After Doran graduates in June, our lives will be very busy for the whole summer so it is important for us to spend as much time together as possible now.

We looked at the movies that were showing and decided to see "Heaven is for Real".   I have not read the book and keep in mind that I was married a long time to one of the biggest skeptics God ever placed on the Earth.   He wasn't skeptical about whether or not Heaven exists...just about the people who try to get rich by selling books about it.    Anyway, we decided to go see it.

The movie was a good movie.  I'm encouraged that there are many Christian movies out this year.  However, it scares me a little that many will base their beliefs off of what they see in a movie and never take time to see what the Word of God says.   I'm not here to point out inconsistencies in these movies...I've already stated that I thought this was a good movie.   But good as it is, it is just a movie.      And as adorable and innocent as that little boy was in the movie...this movie is only an interpretation of what he was able to describe.   It falls far short of what awaits us in Heaven.

When Jeff left us, nearly 2 months ago, he made Heaven his new home.   It is hard for us to imagine what he is doing there.   Some say he is singing.   Some say he is dancing.   Some say he is watching over us...but I think he is probably bowing at the feet of Jesus, worshiping his Savior.   Perhaps he has located his favorite college professor, Don Bowdle, by now and is getting a refresher in Greek or Systematic Theology.   Perhaps he's sitting with his mom, talking about all the high hopes they have for family members.   Perhaps he is laughing with Marjorie Myers and Eugene Jordan who got there just before him!  I don't know, but somehow, I think he is busy worshiping Jesus.   Why?   Because, that's all that really matters.

See, this is where I usually have problems with folks who want to bring me ninety books about Heaven.   Yes, I have a loved one there, and yes, it might bring comfort to think that he is watching over us and helping us find our way.   But bottom line is that Jeff McFalls loved Jesus.   Jesus was the only one who Jeff loved more than me.   He lived his life to worship this Christ who radically transformed his life.    So, I see him singing praises loudly, not caring whether he is on key or not.   I can see him cheering us on as we run this race.   But mostly, I see him being as close to Jesus as he can possibly get.

Heaven is for real...but I don't need a movie to tell me that.   I believe it because it is in God's word.   His infallible, complete word.   My husband is there, along with many loved ones who've gone before.   One day I will get to go, too, but until then, I am called to follow Christ here.   I need to know what that looks like.   How do I practically live out my faith so that others will see it and believe.  Not believe in me, but in the God who strengthens me.   I keep on declaring the Word of the Lord, that's how!   God's word will not return void.   Oh Lord, help me to declare your Word in such a way that I draw others to You.  Grant me favor, that I might be like a magnet pulling people to you.   I believe that Heaven is real and I want to take as many with me as I possibly can!

Easter Morning...HE LIVES!

Easter morning...it's always been my favorite holiday!  It was on this morning that my precious savior rose from the grave, defeated death and won the victory for all time.   For the last several years, I have been so exhausted by the time Easter gets here, I've missed some of the blessing that comes with observing this day.

For the last 13 years or so, I've directed an Easter production.  For months on end, I would brainstorm and work to make each production as realistic and evangelistic as possible.   We have seen many come to know the Lord through these productions so not having one seemed ridiculous to me.   But sometimes, God does ridiculous things!   You see, sometimes I got so caught up in the drama, I forgot who the drama was about.

I have to admit, I feel like a fish out of water...it just doesn't feel right.   I feel like I should be building a set, or doing makeup, or leading a song, or writing a scene...but this year God said, "No".   Just as I said yesterday...He is saying be still.   Be still doesn't always mean do nothing...but this time, I think it means that I am to slow down...and really think about the reason I celebrate Easter.

This being my first Easter without Jeff, I found myself dreading this day.   You see, Easter was his favorite holiday, too.  He would light up just talking about Easter and the Resurrection of our Lord!   So to spend the day without him, well frankly, it scares me.   I've tried to stay busy, but I don't think I can be busy enough to keep me from missing him.   Everywhere I look, I am reminded of what I have lost.  As I sat licking my wounds, I was reminded that Jeff will have the best Easter ever this year...he is with our Savior!   Knowing that brings me comfort...but still my heart hurts.

My struggle with sadness on this happiest day of the year in a Christian's life has made me think.   What does His resurrection mean for me?   I have based my entire belief system on the events of this one day.  Had it not been for this day, my Savior would just like all the other heads of religions...he would be dead, in a grave.   But He's not!  He is alive!   And because He lives, that makes everything different!   Because He lives, everything He said is validated.   And He said that He came to give us life more abundantly.

I remember hearing Bill Gaither sing this old song:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, I know
He holds the future.
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

I can face tomorrow.  All fear is gone.  He holds my future.  So yes, life is worth living...because He lives!  I can't promise I won't shed a tear today...too late, already have.   But I can promise this...I will praise my precious Savior today.   I will proclaim His goodness!   I will worship Him with all my energy...JUST BECAUSE HE LIVES!   That's all the reason I need.

If you are reading this blog and you haven't met my Jesus...but you'd like to...He's only a breath away.   He's alive and well today and it would be my great pleasure to introduce you to Him.  This year, I don't have a spectacular drama to bring you to Him...all I have is my experience.   If you want to meet Him, please contact me...you can simply leave a message in the comments and I will contact you.   I can promise you this...my Jesus definitely wants to meet you!!

Happy Easter...HE LIVES!

Be still Butterfly

As I start this blog, let me first say that I am not one who is prone to the "Woo-Woo".  By that, I mean I don't get overly excited when I see a cloud that looks like an angel, or when I see a "sign" that others might think miraculous.   I spent more than half my life married to a man who for the most part was a skeptic...some of that rubbed off on me.

Still, occasionally God will use something little to get my attention.  I believe that is what has happened in the past few days.   Someone, I don't know who, has been taping a little silk butterfly to my mailbox.  Just one at a time...I remove it and another one appears.   At first, I thought it was a neighbor kid who was just being sweet.   But now, I'm beginning to think that it is someone who is just letting me know that I am in their thoughts and prayers.  

It is a very sweet gesture and whether that is its intent or not...that is the way God is using it.  Every time I see the butterflies (I've saved them and have them in my car and in my room), I am reminded that God has a new season for me.   That even though it feels as though I am constricted and constrained right now...a day will come when once again I will be able to push my way through this and break forth into a new season.

This cocoon is dark and confining, but it is also strong and protective.   In order to break forth, I will have to struggle.  It's part of the process and to bypass the process would mean my "wings" would be weak and death would be eminent.   The struggle is not fun, but it is necessary.  But now is not the time for the breaking forth.  Now is the time for being still.

Over and over again, God has spoken these very words to me this week.

"The Lord will fight for you' you need only to be still." Ex 14:14

"Be still, and know that I am God..." Ps 46:10

"He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!"...Mark 4:39

Just to name a few...

I believe that right now, God just wants me to "Be Still".  He made me, so He understands better than anyone just how much trouble I have with this command.   Being still is not my thing.  So honestly, when I first saw the butterflies, I wondered if God was pointing out how "flighty" I am.  How I flit from this project to that project.  Now I believe He has been giving them to me to remind me of what is ahead...however He also wants me to understand how important the cocoon is.   It is in the cocoon that I must wait, for God's perfect timing.

I'm reminded of an old song that we used to sing...

They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength
They will mount up with wings as eagles.
They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint
Teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait.  

That is my prayer tonight...Lord teach me to wait, to be still, so that when the day comes and You say I'm ready, I can begin to break out of this dark confining place.   That you will give me beauty for my ashes.   New wings for a new season!

Our Journey - Why?

As we approach the one month anniversary of Jeff's passing, I find myself more and more emotional. Feelings that didn't surface at first are now finding their way to the surface, one by one.   Today, I have been plagued with the "why" question.

Why God, would You take my husband, the love of my life?  We truly loved each other, enjoyed each other, worked at making our marriage better every day. There are losers out there who are throwing their marriages away...why did mine have to end?   Why did we not make it to our 25th wedding anniversary...it's just a few short months away.   Why?

Why God, would You take my children's father?   He was a good father...not perfect...but he loved his kids.   He provided for them, he invested in them, he hoped for them...   Now, everything has to change for them.   Abbi, who has only known life as the pastor's daughter, is no longer the pastor's daughter.   She's 14 1/2...a good kid with lots to offer, but very emotional in nature.   Now, add this to what she has to digest...really?   Why?   Doran is about to graduate from high school...just 3 more months and he could've seen his son graduate...was that too much to ask?   Zac is going to ministry school in August...something his dad and I have prayed for since he was a baby...I just don't understand.   Why?

Why God, would You take the pastor of a church that has come so far yet still has so far to go in order to fulfill the vision You gave us.   YOU GAVE US THE VISION....we didn't make it up!!  Jeff was one of the hardest working, real life pastors I have ever seen.   So why, when we were faithful to do what You called us to, did You have to take him.   Why?

Why God, would You take the son and brother who loved and prayed for his family everyday.   He understood the hell he put them through in the first 22 years of his life...but for the last 30, there was not a day that went by that he didn't pray for them.   Why?

I have a hundred more "why's" that are exploding in my head today.   But God isn't answering the why's today.   I don't know if He ever will.   He did however, give me a glimpse of the bigger picture this evening as I thought about the events of the day.

Our peaceful Sunday morning was interrupted...no completely hi-jacked, by a furious 14 year old who wasn't getting her way about what she was wearing.   I said, "Not appropriate for today" and she began to throw a series of tantrums that would last throughout the day.    Before you judge her...understand that she was only doing what each of us do when we don't get our way.   We may be able to "control" ourselves better but we all buck it when we think we aren't getting our fair shake.

After our morning argument bled over into the afternoon, my patience was thin and I was ready to "beat" her.   I didn't, mind you, but the thought did run through my mind.   It was then that I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to take her away for a few hours...just the two of us.   But wait, we had Men's and Women's ministry and choir practice!  Stronger than ever the nudging to whisk her away came.   So I just blurted out, "Get some comfortable clothes on.  We are going for a ride."

Ten minutes later, we were in the car.   Riding down the highway, we began to talk...okay, we yelled at first but soon calmer heads prevailed and we were able to talk to each other.    She told me of all the hurt she was experiencing and I explained that there was a right and a wrong way for her to deal with it...the choice was hers.   Then words began to come out of my mouth and as I heard them, I knew that they were also to me from God.

I said, "Abbi, I cannot promise you that I will always be able to explain every decision to you.  Sometimes I will make decisions that you disagree with or you don't understand.   It is then that you will have to trust me.   I have proven to you already that I love you...I am your fan.   I have your best interest at heart.   When you do not understand or disagree, it is okay to be upset...but it is not okay to be disrespectful.   You are going to have to trust me...I am trustworthy."

Tonight, as I rehearsed our conversation while putting away some things in our bedroom, I began to ask the "why's" again.   God reminded me of my conversation with Abbi...and to me He said, "I cannot promise you that I will always explain every decision to you.   Sometimes you won't understand...and then you will have to trust me.   It is okay to be upset, but remember who I am.  You are going to have to trust me...I am trustworthy."

He's right, you know.   He is trustworthy.   I do not pretend to understand all that we have lost... I see NO reason for this.   God understands that I am upset...but I have to trust Him.   And I can...because He is trustworthy...truly worthy of my trust...truly worthy of my praise.

Our Journey (It is Well-ing up in my throat!)

Thursday, April 3rd

I tried to convince myself that I was okay.   Tried to tell everyone that I was just fine and that I would make it.   Only this morning, myself disagreed with my reason.  The harder I tried to fight the tears, the more they seemed to well up in my throat until finally the dam burst and the sobbing commenced!

I HATE days like today.   Let me say that again...I HATE days like today.   For the biggest part of the day, I couldn't hold a single conversation without ending up in tears.   Those of you who know me know how much I hate crying.   These tears seemed destructive, not healing.

I guess somedays will have to be like today.   Days when it feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest.   In my anguish, I cried out to God.   Lord, you have to help  me here!   Can I tell you that even in the darkest part of this valley, God doesn't leave my side.    He is here with me.   Sometimes the valley is so dark that I have trouble seeing Him, but he is there.  Quietly, gently, He comforts my soul.  

Since I was a teenager, I have had a favorite hymn.   It Is Well With My Soul is my absolute favorite hymn ever.   Horatio Spafford knew great grief when He wrote this song.  He had lost his only son to Scarlet Fever, then suffered financial ruin during the Great Chicago Fire.  Finally, he planned a trip to Europe with his wife and four girls...only he was delayed on business concerns.   On the journey to Europe, his family's ship collided with another ship and sank rapidly.  All four of Spafford's daughters drowned in the accident.   His wife, surviving the accident but only by herself, sent a message to her husband with the tragic news.   As he traveled to be with his wife, his ship passed near the site of the crash.   In his grief, he penned these words...

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,  (later changed to say)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
A song in the night, oh my soul! (later changed to Even so, It is well with my soul)

Although I have loved this song most of my life, today I understand it.   I understand sorrow that comes in waves like sea billows.   I understand feeling as if Satan is winning, but knowing that Christ has seen me and has already paid the price for victory.   I understand that the grave is not my goal...nor was it the goal of my precious husband.   The sky was his goal...and he has achieved it.   It is my goal as well and it is the goal of all 3 of our children.   I so look forward to that day when the trumpet sounds and the Lord descends...a song in the night (even the darkest night)...Even so, It is well with my soul.

Today, my sorrow felt as if it was welling up in my throat...it was  sufficating me.   Still, because I serve a God who sees my pain and walks through this dark valley with me, I can say, "It is well, it is well with my soul."

Our Journey (Attention to the "s")

One of the things I grew to love about my husband was the special attention he gave the letter "s".   To you (and me) it may seem insignificant, but to Jeff it was very important.    You see, his name ended in s...but many times, people would leave the last letter off and call him Jeff McFall.   Oh, how that would make his blood boil!

He would say, "What if I chose to leave the last letter off of their name?"   To Jeff McFalls, the last letter was very important!  Not just the omission of the last letter, but also the addition of a letter would set him off, too!

I remember sitting in a chapel service at Lee and all of the sudden I caught a swift elbow in my side.   The chapel speaker had been speaking about end time prophecy and had referred to the book of Revelations three times.    I looked at him puzzled (and quite annoyed to be honest) and he whispered through gritted teeth...there is only ONE Revelation...no "s" on it!

At the moment, I remember thinking, "How petty...just listen to the sermon and quit being so nit-picky."    However, over time I realized that it was his attention to detail that would many times indicate the first red flag for whether or not we should even listen to the person who was speaking.   Now, I'm not saying that everyone who ever put an s on Revelation is worthless and not worth listening to.   What I am saying is that perhaps we sometimes listen to those who use cliché or words that sound good, when in fact they haven't properly prepared for the task God has called them to.    Attention to detail is a must when one is rightly dividing the Word of God.   It is also important when dealing with the people God has entrusted into your care.

Pay attention to details...don't just skim over them.   Learning someone's name lets them know that you value them.   You care enough to get it right.   Likewise, paying attention to God's Word tells Him that you value it.   Do you value it enough to pay attention to the little details or are you willing to accept what you've simply "heard" all your life.   God's Word is worth investigating for yourself!   Psalms 119:9-16 expresses my thoughts this morning best!  Lord, don't let me wander from Your commands because I stop paying attention to detail or because I take someone else's word.   It is Your Word and only Your Word that is of upmost value.   Help me pay attention to the "s"... You are worth the effort!