Our Journey (It is Well-ing up in my throat!)

Thursday, April 3rd

I tried to convince myself that I was okay.   Tried to tell everyone that I was just fine and that I would make it.   Only this morning, myself disagreed with my reason.  The harder I tried to fight the tears, the more they seemed to well up in my throat until finally the dam burst and the sobbing commenced!

I HATE days like today.   Let me say that again...I HATE days like today.   For the biggest part of the day, I couldn't hold a single conversation without ending up in tears.   Those of you who know me know how much I hate crying.   These tears seemed destructive, not healing.

I guess somedays will have to be like today.   Days when it feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest.   In my anguish, I cried out to God.   Lord, you have to help  me here!   Can I tell you that even in the darkest part of this valley, God doesn't leave my side.    He is here with me.   Sometimes the valley is so dark that I have trouble seeing Him, but he is there.  Quietly, gently, He comforts my soul.  

Since I was a teenager, I have had a favorite hymn.   It Is Well With My Soul is my absolute favorite hymn ever.   Horatio Spafford knew great grief when He wrote this song.  He had lost his only son to Scarlet Fever, then suffered financial ruin during the Great Chicago Fire.  Finally, he planned a trip to Europe with his wife and four girls...only he was delayed on business concerns.   On the journey to Europe, his family's ship collided with another ship and sank rapidly.  All four of Spafford's daughters drowned in the accident.   His wife, surviving the accident but only by herself, sent a message to her husband with the tragic news.   As he traveled to be with his wife, his ship passed near the site of the crash.   In his grief, he penned these words...

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,  (later changed to say)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
A song in the night, oh my soul! (later changed to Even so, It is well with my soul)

Although I have loved this song most of my life, today I understand it.   I understand sorrow that comes in waves like sea billows.   I understand feeling as if Satan is winning, but knowing that Christ has seen me and has already paid the price for victory.   I understand that the grave is not my goal...nor was it the goal of my precious husband.   The sky was his goal...and he has achieved it.   It is my goal as well and it is the goal of all 3 of our children.   I so look forward to that day when the trumpet sounds and the Lord descends...a song in the night (even the darkest night)...Even so, It is well with my soul.

Today, my sorrow felt as if it was welling up in my throat...it was  sufficating me.   Still, because I serve a God who sees my pain and walks through this dark valley with me, I can say, "It is well, it is well with my soul."