Why God, would You take my children's father? He was a good father...not perfect...but he loved his kids. He provided for them, he invested in them, he hoped for them... Now, everything has to change for them. Abbi, who has only known life as the pastor's daughter, is no longer the pastor's daughter. She's 14 1/2...a good kid with lots to offer, but very emotional in nature. Now, add this to what she has to digest...really? Why? Doran is about to graduate from high school...just 3 more months and he could've seen his son graduate...was that too much to ask? Zac is going to ministry school in August...something his dad and I have prayed for since he was a baby...I just don't understand. Why?
Why God, would You take the pastor of a church that has come so far yet still has so far to go in order to fulfill the vision You gave us. YOU GAVE US THE VISION....we didn't make it up!! Jeff was one of the hardest working, real life pastors I have ever seen. So why, when we were faithful to do what You called us to, did You have to take him. Why?
Why God, would You take the son and brother who loved and prayed for his family everyday. He understood the hell he put them through in the first 22 years of his life...but for the last 30, there was not a day that went by that he didn't pray for them. Why?
I have a hundred more "why's" that are exploding in my head today. But God isn't answering the why's today. I don't know if He ever will. He did however, give me a glimpse of the bigger picture this evening as I thought about the events of the day.
Our peaceful Sunday morning was interrupted...no completely hi-jacked, by a furious 14 year old who wasn't getting her way about what she was wearing. I said, "Not appropriate for today" and she began to throw a series of tantrums that would last throughout the day. Before you judge her...understand that she was only doing what each of us do when we don't get our way. We may be able to "control" ourselves better but we all buck it when we think we aren't getting our fair shake.
After our morning argument bled over into the afternoon, my patience was thin and I was ready to "beat" her. I didn't, mind you, but the thought did run through my mind. It was then that I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to take her away for a few hours...just the two of us. But wait, we had Men's and Women's ministry and choir practice! Stronger than ever the nudging to whisk her away came. So I just blurted out, "Get some comfortable clothes on. We are going for a ride."
Ten minutes later, we were in the car. Riding down the highway, we began to talk...okay, we yelled at first but soon calmer heads prevailed and we were able to talk to each other. She told me of all the hurt she was experiencing and I explained that there was a right and a wrong way for her to deal with it...the choice was hers. Then words began to come out of my mouth and as I heard them, I knew that they were also to me from God.
I said, "Abbi, I cannot promise you that I will always be able to explain every decision to you. Sometimes I will make decisions that you disagree with or you don't understand. It is then that you will have to trust me. I have proven to you already that I love you...I am your fan. I have your best interest at heart. When you do not understand or disagree, it is okay to be upset...but it is not okay to be disrespectful. You are going to have to trust me...I am trustworthy."
Tonight, as I rehearsed our conversation while putting away some things in our bedroom, I began to ask the "why's" again. God reminded me of my conversation with Abbi...and to me He said, "I cannot promise you that I will always explain every decision to you. Sometimes you won't understand...and then you will have to trust me. It is okay to be upset, but remember who I am. You are going to have to trust me...I am trustworthy."
He's right, you know. He is trustworthy. I do not pretend to understand all that we have lost... I see NO reason for this. God understands that I am upset...but I have to trust Him. And I can...because He is trustworthy...truly worthy of my trust...truly worthy of my praise.
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