Christmas Day

It's always been my favorite time of year.  Celebrating the birth of my Savior is something I will never grow tired of.  But this year has been different on many levels.   This year, I couldn't summon the energy to decorate a tree or my house.   The annual tradition of buying a family ornament with our names on it, nearly drove me to tears and in fact fell by the wayside.  I just couldn't do it this year.   Doran finally put a tree up for me and Zac decorated it once he came home from InCharacter.

I've always loved decorating for Christmas, but I just couldn't make myself do it this year.   The presents weren't wrapped and sitting under the tree...it was just different.   Jeff has been gone for nearly 10 months now and though I am finding a new normal, I still miss him.  He will forever be a part of who I am.   I am a better person because he loved me.

I began to think about him this morning, about him celebrating Christmas in heaven.   I know he is having a blast.  I wouldn't bring him back...that would be very selfish of me.   If only I had known that last Christmas would be our last.   What would I have done differently?   I would have loved him better...without reserve.   I would've cared more about what was important to him, and less about what was important to the critics who watched from afar.   I would've held nothing back.

But you can't go back.  The slab on his grave reads, "You can never change your past, but you can always change your future."     Words that I heard him say thousands of times...words that ring loud and clear in my heart today.  

Today, I can be about making memories with my family.   Enjoying some of the old traditions and making some new ones, too.   One of our family traditions for years has been to go see a movie on Christmas day.   It's one of those silly things we do together and no matter where we are, we always go find a movie to watch together.    I'd be lying if I said that I wanted to keep this tradition this year.  Honestly, without Jeff, I thought this one would be too painful.   Thankfully, my kids insist on keeping this tradition.   So today, we will go see a movie...but not a sad one!    And we will start some new traditions today, too.   Not because there's anything wrong with the old ones, but because this man that we loved taught us to keep moving forward and not get stuck on the old.

Today, I will be about loving my family.   I will purpose in my heart that I will make sure they know that they are loved.   Somehow, I will put the past year behind me and I will concentrate on them.   God has given me three amazing children.   They are all different, yet equally amazing.   They have weathered this storm alongside me and frankly, many times they have weathered it better than me.  Sometimes, I forget that their grief is real, too.   But they know that their dad would want them to keep moving, so today we will do that.   We will keep moving.   We will find a new tradition to start.

God has been faithful to us over the course of this past year.   2014 was not the year that I expected, but it was one in which God displayed His goodness in my life.   He has let me experience life on a deeper, more intimate level than ever before.   In the past year, I have loved, grieved, laughed and cried.   I have searched for answers and found THE answer.   I don't understand all that has transpired...much of it I will never understand...but I've learned to trust Him.  

The world never understood God's plan.   Sending a baby to save us made no sense.   It wasn't something that could be comprehended...it would require faith
.   In the same way the world couldn't understand God's plan for salvation, I don't understand His plan for my life.  I just have to trust that it is there.   It will never make sense to me, I've come to realize that.  But God is good...and He works all things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.   I am called.   I know that He is working everything for my good.  

Lord, help me to trust you.   When things don't make sense and I can't get my mind around your plan...help me to trust your heart.   And Lord, there's a couple of newcomers in Heaven this year who happen to be very dear to my heart.   Let them know that we are carrying on...and we are so happy that they get to spend this Christmas with the One who it is all about.   Merry Christmas in heaven!

Cleaning out the Closet

I knew the day would come but the time just never felt right.   When you lose someone you love, unfortunately their stuff stays behind.   Getting rid of it is painful and sometimes even more scary than letting them go in the first place.   For nearly nine months now, Jeff's clothes have hung in my closet.   Right where he left them, I didn't move a thing.   He left a shirt hanging on a peg on the back of the bathroom door...it was still there until yesterday.

I don't know why, but in church yesterday I felt a nudge from God and knew it was time.  Time to put away the old things,  my husband wouldn't be coming back.   I came home from church and the house was empty...it was time.   So I found myself in the closet.  Packing away 25 years of memories.   Packing away unfulfilled dreams, precious memories.   Packing away my world.

It's during times like this that I am thankful for friends who are so close that they don't need explanations...they just come.   When I told my friend, Missy, what I was doing, she knew I needed her.  She just came.   She let me talk and she let me not talk.   Both are necessary.

One by one, we pulled suits and shirts out of the closet.   Golf shirts...how he loved playing golf.   I never would've dreamed it, but once he started playing, it was in him.   I'm so thankful that God gave him a place where he could unwind and enjoy life.    The pressures of ministry can be so taxing on your physical body.   Side note to my friends in ministry, find something outside the ministry that you love doing.    Not that you let it take precedence over the ministry, but we are not made for the constant stresses that ministry life brings.    We have to have somewhere to unwind.    That was free.

Now, for the rest of yesterday's story.   I am so thankful that God gives us seasons.   At Jeff's service, both Pastor Craig and Pastor Paul, two very dear friends who have known us in our darkest days, confirmed a word from the Lord for me.   They said that God was moving me into a new season.   That He was not finished with me but instead just getting started.  

After Jeff's death, I realized that the season I was in was sorrow.   It wasn't where I wanted to be.   I've told you before how I hate to cry.   But just like the seasons of the year, this season of sorrow was necessary for the next season He would take me to.   For nearly nine months, my heart has grieved deeply.   More deeply than I thought I could bear.   As hard as I tried to rush through it, God wouldn't let me.  Just when I thought I had grieved enough, it seemed a new wave of grief would hit.   But in the past couple of days something has begun to change.   I can only explain it as that first hint of fall after a hot Summer.   The seasons are about to change, in fact I know the change has already begun.

When I came home from church and found myself alone, I just knew...the seasons are changing...it's time to let some things go.   I wish I knew what was on the horizon.   I don't.   But somehow I know that it is going to be something I never even dreamed of.   Something greater than I could imagine.   I believe that it is important that I document every part of this journey.   Someone needs to read that there is a season that comes after sorrow.   So for that reason, and because I promised Jeff that I would keep writing until God released me, I will keep writing our story.   Well, I guess now it is my story.   I pray that it encourages someone, somewhere to hang on one more day.  

We don't understand God's plan for us...it is so much bigger than our humanity can conceive.   But He is faithful.   He walks with us through every season.   He doesn't have us walk through a single day without purpose...that's hard to remember but very important.   His purpose is never to harm us...that would go against His very nature...no, His purpose is to strengthen us, to free us, to give us hope.  

What season are you in?   If you are in a place of sorrow, as I was?  Take courage   Your season will not last forever.   Place your trust in Him.   Be real with Him about your feelings because  He can take it.   And don't forget that soon your season will change.   God knows when it is time to change...trust Him.

He made the moon to mark the seasons, 

and the sun knows when to go down.  Ps. 104:19

Giving Thanks...for everything.

Sometimes when I write for this blog, I just sit down and the words begin to flow.  Sometimes, I plan for days what I want to write.  This time, I think it will be a mixture of the two.  Today is Thanksgiving Day.   Nearly nine months has passed since Jeff drew his final breath here and moved to Heaven.

Today marks the beginning of our first holiday season without him in our lives.   He is not here today to remind me to be on time for the family dinner in Bristol.   He won't be sampling my dishes or griping because we don't have leftovers.  Our house won't be filled with sounds of football this afternoon.   He's not here to beg me not to put up that blasted tree yet and certainly not plug it in!

I won't be able to watch him take a post-turkey nap today.   And today, there will be no going over what I can and can't spend during my Black Friday shopping trip.

I've been up since four this morning.   My heart aches.   A trip to the gym and an hour or so of vigorous activity can't stop this ache.   I'm just going to have to walk it out...but not on a treadmill.  No, some things you just have to let yourself feel.

Today makes me miss my friend, Anne, too.  Thanksgiving was her day.   The day she would have her whole family over and shine like only she could.    I never could've imagined how dear she would become to me when we first met, but losing her was like losing a sister.   Today, they will have their first Thanksgiving without her at the helm...my heart aches for them as well.   We never dreamed that last Thanksgiving would be our last with the ones we loved so much.

Strangely though, amidst all the tears and heartache, I just find myself incredibly thankful today to have known and been loved by these two amazing people.   I wouldn't bring them back here if I could because I know that what they are experiencing there is more amazing than anything I could ever imagine.  Someday, I can go there and be with them again.   But today,  well today it just hurts really bad.

I am so thankful today for the people God has placed in my life for this season.   People who bring me joy in the midst of sorrow.   People who aren't afraid of my tears.   People who can make me laugh.   People who remind me to go on living.  

It's okay to pause and remember.   It's okay to hurt.   But it is also okay to laugh and to begin to make new traditions.  

Later today, the kids and I will go visit Jeff's grave.   It's time to change the flowers out.  He hated flowers...and would probably kill me for putting two (count them) urns on his grave.   I decided to put two Christmas trees made out of old golf balls on there for the season.   His old golf buddy, Mike, supplied me with lots of old golf balls and tees.   My friend, Sara, and my kids helped with assembly. They are a little on the tacky side but they have Jeff all over them.   (He would just be mad that I messed up that many balls!)

When we are through there, we will head to Bristol to spend the day with my family.   I hope they are ready for my gusher tears...I pray that God dries them before I get there and make a blubbering fool of myself.   Today, is going to be about making new memories.   Spending time with my kids and family and friends.  

Perhaps you have lost someone this year and today is hard for you.   Or maybe you know someone that has lost someone and your heart aches for them.   Can I just interject an idea...   If you have lost someone, reach out today to others and let them help you.   It is hard but it will help, I promise.   If you know someone who has lost someone, reach out to them.  Don't assume that they have someone or that you would be intruding on their space.   Let them know that you are there and that you want to help.   God gives us opportunities to comfort each other during sorrow.   We have to make the effort.  
And when you pause (and you should pause) to give thanks for all that God has blessed you with today, say a prayer for those who mourn, that they will be comforted.  

When I pause today, it will have to be a very long pause.  God has blessed me with more than I could list if I had a thousand years to list it.   Everyday, He reminds me that His ways are greater than my ways...His plans are way better than mine.   I don't understand it, but I trust it...and today I am so thankful for it.  

Oh Lord, let my life be one of gratitude.  One that is ever thankful for every blessing you bestow on me.   Let me never take for granted another day, be it a holiday or not.   Let my life be a reflection of Your nature.   One that gives hope to a hurting world and confidence that You will always be with us. One that is thankful everyday, and not just once a year.  

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  2 Corinthians 1:3-4

To Chase the Dark Away...

The darkness of depression is a very real thing.   We are all vulnerable to it.  It can follow a great loss or it can come on the heals of victory.   Whether it has a traceable reason, like the death of a loved one or the loss of a job, or a clinical reason...it comes from the same source.  It comes from the enemy of your soul.  The one who longs to make your world so dark that you can no longer catch even a glimmer of light.

Depression isn't always visible.   Some of us are very good at covering or putting on a face that says, "I'm ok", when in reality, we are not.   Depression says that we cannot tell others what we are facing...only making the darkness darker and pulling us further from the light.

The past few days have been dim for me.   When I say that I am scrambling for the light, I'm not kidding.   It is something that I am having to fight to keep at bay.   The feelings of isolation...not belonging...insignificance...being invisible...lonely.   It has been as if as soon as I fight one issue, another pops up.  

I had this conversation with myself this morning...you don't belong here...no one would miss you if you were gone.   Not because anyone made me feel that way...that wasn't the case.   It was the enemy of my soul playing an isolation game with me.   He is trying his best to obscure the light and effectively keep me in the dark.

Here is something I know about darkness.   No matter how dark it gets, it only takes a little light to pierce it.  But if you can obscure the light by putting something in front of it, you can keep it dark.   I learned this when we lived in Minnesota and the Summer months would have days that went on forever.   I remember one night being outside and thinking it was only around 5 or 6, only to find out that it was 11:30pm!   We had to purchase room darkening blinds and obscure the light so it would stay dark in the house at night.  

So what does that have to do with depression?   If the enemy of your soul wants to keep you in the dark...he will do everything in his power to obscure the light.   He will use your circumstances, your hangups, your failures and your victories to effectively put a barrier between you and God.   He'll use your friends, your family, your church...whatever, he doesn't fight fair.   And all that hullabaloo about Christians never being depressed...well, that's just baloney!   I think we are sometimes even more vulnerable to it...we need to be aware!

This morning as I warred with this ensuing depression, I found myself agitated.   I felt lonely and insignificant.   I missed Jeff intensely and found myself quite irritated by others who still have their spouses, yet treat them with disdain.   All feelings that I am justified in feeling...people tell me all the time that its ok and that I should feel this way.  But it's those very feelings that obscure the light.   Those feelings put the focus on me or on my circumstances.  It is only when my focus shifts to the Light, that the darkness begins to lift.

I know I was not alone today in my feelings.   I see others struggling with the same darkness.  Perhaps that is why I feel so compelled to expose it...so that the Light will chase it away.   This morning during worship, I found myself broken and I began to just cry out to God.   In my heart, I realized that it is only in His presence that I am whole.   But staying in His presence isn't always easy.   It requires a commitment, much like my marriage did.   I had to commit to stay with Jeff McFalls...there were times when it would have been easier to leave...to just go to another place.   Honestly...there are times when I think leaving His presence would be easier.   It wouldn't be...that is just a trick of the enemy.  Making the grass on the other side look greener.   Blocking the light...intensifying the darkness.

But when I come into His presence, the darkness begins to fall away.  So far, it hasn't completely left...but it has lost its grip on me.   I trust that as I focus more on Jesus and spend more time in His presence, the darkness will become less and less powerful.  If part of the enemy's plan is to keep me in the darkness by telling me not to talk about it...then I will SHOUT it from the mountain top!   I refuse to keep quiet and silently watch others be sucked into the darkness.  If you find yourself uncomfortable reading this, I apologize, but I cannot be silent.  I'm turning on a light...and darkness, you will have to go.  Lord, Your presence is all I need.

Stitches...leading to joy

I haven't written in a couple weeks...partly because I was busy traveling and working, partly because the words just wouldn't come.   But for whatever reason, sleep won't come tonight, so here I sit in front of my computer screen, doing what seems to help me and I'm told many others.

I seemed to have moved into a new stage of the grieving process.   I still miss Jeff terribly, but I've come to grips with the fact that the next time I see him will be in heaven.   I can now listen to his sermons and smile instead of weep.   I listened to a couple of his (very short) voicemails this week and actually laughed out loud.   To have been a preacher, he was not much for talking to a machine...I think his longest message was 8 seconds!  Thanks Babe!

I'm beginning to notice changes in the kids, too.   They still miss him, but they are more concerned now about living out what he taught them.   Everyday I see them getting closer to God...forging out a real, personal relationship with Him.

Tonight, we will go watch our oldest, Zac, in his first InCharacter production, "Happy Hollandaise".   Talking to him over the past few weeks is like talking to his dad in some ways.   He is diving into the Word...learning new scriptures every week.  And if he's anything like his dad, he'll be able to quote them to you ten years from now without missing a beat.   I know Jeff would be so proud.  The change is amazing

The marble slab on Jeff's grave reads, "You cannot change your past...but you can always change your future."   I think of how many times I heard him say that.   And now his son has grasped it...by turning to God, he is changing his future.   Gone is the life of depression and heartache that tried to get it's gnarly grips in him...now he is doing what he loves and preparing for a life rich in grace and mercy.


It's weird, because I feel like I'm moving to a new stage in grieving him, but I'm still in the early stages of grieving my friend, Anne.    Although, I must admit, every time I think of her and Jeff in heaven, I smile.   What a mess they must be!   If anyone ever tries to tell you that the steps of grief are linear...they are lying.   These steps are more like crochet stitches, I think.   Yes, you do make forward progress, but you are still gonna keep going back and forth throughout the whole thing.   Sometimes, you will feel like you are just being tied in knots!

Thanksgiving is just a couple weeks away.   I wish I could say I was looking forward to it...I'm not.   I'm gonna miss him raving about my Senator Russell Sweet Potato Casserole (with enough sugar to put one into a diabetic coma)!   I'll miss him watching football (or whatever sport he could find) while I put up the tree.   I'll miss Anne talking about fixing dinner for her family...we always made some of the dishes together ahead of time.   But I think hardest of all, will come on Friday.   I am gonna miss Black Friday shopping with my friend.

You see, for us it was never about the shopping.   We could've cared less about the deals or sales.   It was always about us spending time together.   Eating together, people watching, embarrassing our daughters, sipping on coffee drinks or hot chocolate...oh, and many times visiting the cemetary to make sure Boots grave had fresh flowers on it!   (Boots was Anne's aunt and was a true Southern lady...she left Anne in charge of making sure she had flowers!)

Most of the time, we'd come home with just a few knick knacks and whole lot of memories.   This year I will go with her daughter, Rebecca and Regan (Rebecca's friend who Anne treated like a daughter).    We are gonnna shop, and eat, and sip on coffee drinks and laugh.   Laugh.   Laugh.   Because that is important.   Anne would want us to laugh.   Jeff would want us to laugh.   So laugh we shall!

We will laugh and remember.   Then we'll probably cry some, too!   That's ok though, because tears have a way of healing hearts.   I can feel mine beginning to heal.   Oh, it will probably always ache to some degree, but slowly, surely healing is taking place.   Joy is coming...

I am reminded of a Psalm...65:8 "The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders; where morning dawns, where evening fades, you call forth songs of joy."   Evening is fading.   Morning is on the horizon.   Soon, God will call forth songs of joy.  Joy is coming!

A One Foot In Front of the Other Kind Of Day

The alarm went off at 5:45 am like it always does.   I didn't want to get out of bed.  Not because I was still sleepy, no, today was different.   I just didn't want to move.   Maybe it was a dream.   Maybe just part of the process.   Whatever the reason, I knew today would be a struggle the moment my eyes opened.

It's been nearly eight months now.  Most days I am okay...but not today.   Today, I am a hot mess (special emphasis on the "mess").   Today, the grief seems unfair.  What did I do to deserve this?  Before I get letters or comments, let me say, I know this isn't because of something I "did"...but still, life seems very unfair at the moment.   Then again, I didn't "do" anything to deserve the life I had before...it was only because of God's grace that I ever experienced even one day of it.

I miss him so much today I can barely breath.   My eyes are swollen, my nose is red and my heart is shattered.   I miss everything about our life together.   Part of me feels terribly selfish when I realize that I had 25 years of something many never even get to experience for day.   Still, twenty-five years was not long enough.  

My vocabulary falls short of the words needed to express my heart today.   Saying I miss him and I miss our life together seems shallow when compared to what I feel today.   Today, I am once again grieving the loss of my husband, the loss of my lover, the loss of our ministry together, the loss of my life.   We became one when we said "I do", so it is difficult, if not impossible to see where he ends and I begin.  I loved our life together, everything about it.   Today, it feels like that life is so far away. Like I am trapped in a foreign, unfamiliar land.   I just want to be home again.

I miss being in the ministry with him.   Pastoring people.   It's what I was called to do at age 15 and what I have loved for as long as I can remember.  For me, it wasn't a position.   It was my life's calling...everything else falls short.   I cannot explain it and don't even come close to understanding it.   I am just completely grieved by...I don't even have words to express it...the loss of what I felt I was created to do.

I am thankful for the Word of God and for the encouragement it brings to me.   I'm thankful that I know these are light and temporary trials.   That God has a plan for my life.   That His calling is without repentance and that He is good.   If I didn't have this hope, I would truly be crushed and have no hope of leaving this dark place of grief.

But I do have that hope.   I was reminded again recently that the struggles I face today are building my character to match my calling.   God will redeem this pain.   I have to believe that He will once again allow me minister...to shepherd people.    I have to believe that somehow, He will use every tear I have cried and every emotion I have felt, to bring someone who crosses my path closer to Him.

Perhaps, my struggle will help someone love their spouse better.   Perhaps it will help a minister's wife appreciate her place in the kingdom.   Perhaps... right now, I don't know.  I don't know how He will use this.   Just that He promised that if I would yield my life to Him, He would use me.   That is what I've done and today, once again, I decide to yield me to Him.   I know He understands...His word tells me so.

I will pull my feet out of bed, put one in front of the other and walk this walk for as long as He keeps me here.   Father, use me anyway you choose.

"For we do not have High Priest who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning."  Hebrews 4:15

A new morning!

The sun will be up soon and as I sit here in the pre dawn moments, I am thinking about all that happened yesterday.   We honored my friend with a beautiful celebration service that pointed people to God.   She is happy and healthy and as our pastor said, would be downright mad at us if we brought her back.

But now to carry on without her.   I've been here before.  As a matter of fact, I don't think I've left this place of grief just yet.   Missing Jeff and now missing Anne, will be part of my daily routine for quite some time.  Walking out life down here, when so many of the ones you love are in Heaven.   To be honest, I used to think it was something the elderly had to deal with...now I understand that grief doesn't have an age limit.

Now, nearly 8 months after Jeff's passing, I find myself grasping for specific memories of him.   I want to remember every detail of his face.   I want to remember his voice, I want to remember his eyes, his touch, his laugh.    Sometimes it is so strong in my memory it is almost as if he is in the room with me...other times it seems like I am trying to catch air in a fishnet.

This morning, I woke thinking of Anne...trying to remember her voice.   Her laugh.  The crazy things she would say that made no sense but still made me laugh.   She hasn't been gone a week yet.  This time last week, we sat and talked...she was weak, but she was here.   I prayed that the Lord would never let me forget the details of my friend.

As the sun set on Jeff and Anne, I have to say those were the two most spectacular sunsets I've ever witnessed.   Brilliant in rays of love and joy.   Darkness followed as they left this world...not for them, but for those of us left behind.   The world isn't as bright without them.

But I am thankful this morning that we have the promise of a sunrise.   In God's timing, He will send light again into our lives.   Beautiful colors and calm peace.   As much as I love a beautiful sunset, it is the sunrise where I find myself in awe of God and feeling closer to Him.

I do not understand and will not attempt to predict when it will happen, but I trust my God.  The same God that Jeff and Anne trusted.   There will come a day when He will wipe our tears and awe us by the beauty of a new morning.

I was interrupted as I wrote this blog for just a bit.   I had to leave and take Abbi to school.  This is how cool God is.   As we left the house, it was completely dark outside.   Approaching the intersection before Abbi's school, I was about 10 cars back in line...traffic was slow today.   I noticed the sky...dark but I could see the outline of clouds...a ripple effect, almost like waves.   Then slowly (yet quickly at the same time), the clouds began to change, from grey to light pink to brilliant pink.  Then almost a bright orange.   Here come's the sun.   All that, before I could make it to her school just a few hundred yards away.

God reminded me that the very thing He had laid on my heart to write about in the wee morning hours of darkness, would be even more brilliant when He brings it to pass.  It will take my breath away, just like that sunrise did this morning.   This period of darkness will not last forever...morning is coming.   Oh what a morning it will be.

I believe the very first blog I ever wrote was about waiting with anticipation for the sunrise...for me, the sunrise will never get old.   I will always approach it with the expectancy of a child on Christmas morn.   Lord, I don't know what tomorrow holds for me, but I trust You and I know that You are good.   Whatever it is, I will look for it with great expectancy.   Anticipating it's arrival.   Here comes the Son!

Hello Guilda

When we first moved here fifteen years ago, I encountered a lady who would forever change my life. It was apparent from the get-go that she had a crazy sense of humor but I had no idea that she would bring me joy in my darkest days...a friendship that was more like family.     To look at us, you would never think that we would end up as close friends.  She was older by several years and she we didn't have a lot in common...or so we thought.

Not long after coming to Medart and meeting Anne,  Jeff decided that he would like to start a Wednesday night dinner to help build attendance for our midweek services.   We came from a large church in Georgia that had a successful Wednesday night dinner and although we knew we couldn't do it on that scale, we decided to start somewhere.   I called 3 or 4 ladies in the church and asked for their help.   For the first few weeks, we would cook everything at home and bring it to the church to serve...but then we decided to meet at the church and cook a meal from scratch.   Peggy Beck, Phyllis Lynn, Anne Stewart and I met one Wednesday afternoon in the tiny little kitchen in the back of the church building and we commenced to cooking a down-home meal for some hungry folks.

About an  hour into that endeavor, I decided that we needed some table decorations.  Something "fall"ish as the weather had changed.   I started digging through closets, looking for anything I could create a centerpiece with.   Before long, that little fellowship hall had been transformed and the other three ladies had finished cooking the meal.   They just looked at me and shook their heads...what would they do with me?   It was then that Anne turned to me and said, "That's beautiful, Guilda."   Guilda?   Who's Guilda?   I chalked it up to me being new and maybe reminding her of someone else but after she called me that several more times, I couldn't take it anymore.   I HAD to set her straight. So I said, "Um, you do know my name isn't Guilda, right?  It's Libby."   She just grinned at me and said, "Yeh, I know...GUILDA!...I call you that because you always gild the lily."   "I what?"  "You gild the lily."    I had never heard that term before which made her want to use it all the more.  When you "gild the lily", you adorn unnecessarily something already beautiful. The expression is a condensation of Shakespeare's metaphor in King John: "To gild refined gold, to paint the lily ... is wasteful and ridiculous excess." i.e., you wouldn't need to add gold to a beautiful lily.  Over the next 15 yrs, she would refer to me as Guilda on several occasions.  It was her term of endearment for me.

Anne's dry sense of humor won me over right away, but it was her tenacity to persevere that truly let me know that we could be close friends.   On many occasions, I would volunteer for something that was way bigger than I could handle.  Anne always came to my rescue.  She would work tirelessly with little or no recognition,  except that I would tell her how much I loved her.   For ten years, she was my constant kitchen lady.   She cleaned up my messes and wrapped more green beans than anyone should do in a lifetime.   Once, we were catering a wedding and the air conditioner in the kitchen went out.  Peggy and Anne worked all day and night in that 900 degree kitchen and did not complain.  They just grabbed a fan and a bag of ice and made do.

My favorite memories of her though are the times that she was "Amelia Bedilia" incarnate!   It did not pay to have two conversations at once with Anne.   There was no telling what you might end up with.   She would probably kill me for saying this, but it needs to be told!! Once we were having a conversation about various weightloss measures we had tried.   I told her how I had been wrapped on a couple of occasions and then would put on a sweatsuit and work out.  This would make me sweat more and I would usually loose a couple inches off my thighs and midsection.    We also discussed a diet that I was on that called for me to drink several glasses of water everyday with a tsp of cayenne pepper in the water to raise my metabolism.   Later that night I got a call from Anne.  "What have you done to me?"   "I'm sorry, what are you talking about?"   "That diet idea you gave to me today...I think you have ruined me!!!"    Now, I was completely clueless to what she was talking about and then it hit me...oh no...she combined the conversations!   My crazy friend had just rubbed hot sauce all over her thighs and then wrapped them in Saran wrap!   She was ON FIRE!!!!  And all I could do was laugh!!   As a matter of fact, I'm giggling right now as I write this!

Last December, we were catering a Christmas dance for ROTC and her husband,  Mike called to tell me that she might not be able to make it.   She was having severe kidney pain and was going to the Dr. that day.   I knew it had to be bad for her to have to back out on me.   She pushed through and still made it before the event to help.   But something wasn't right.   We had no idea that cancer was ravishing her body at the moment.   In the weeks to come, we would realize that this nightmare was real.   Not only did my husband have cancer, so did my dear friend.

Yesterday, her struggle ended.   I will not say she lost her battle...she didn't.  She was victorious!  She won!  She is in heaven and nothing here can compare to what she is experiencing there.   We, however, now have to deal with the loss of such a beautiful, fun woman.   There is a void that deep.   Anne Stewart was the one of the strongest and most loving women I have ever known.   Everyone who knew her felt better just by being in her presence.   She may not have been perfect, but she was pretty darn close, if you ask me.

I have more Anne stories to share and you will probably hear those in the upcoming blogs.   Please pray for her family, Mike and Rebecca, and her brothers, sisters-in-love and a host of nieces, nephews and cousins.   The coming days will be incredibly hard.   We have a hope though, because we know who she put her faith in and we are persuaded that He is able!  We will see her again...we don't say goodbye...just see you later.

Groundhog's Day

Have you ever watched the movie, Groundhog  Day?   You know the one where Bill Murray keeps waking up and its the same day...over and over and over?   Well, I feel like I am trapped in that movie, only it's not so funny.

We are approaching the seven month anniversary of Jeff's home going in just 3 short days.  Seven months of missing him.  Seven months of asking God why only to come to the conclusion over and over that God is sovereign.

Today, we put my dear, dear friend into hospice care.  Watching her family is like having an out of body experience.   The struggles, the decisions, the tears, the fears... it is a different day, but it sure feels very much the same.

The past few days I have begged God for more time.  Begged Him to heal my friend.   We have a plan...we planned to go on the road together!  Glorifying God all the way.   But tonight, unless the Lord intervenes (and we believe very much that He can), it won't be long until she sees Jesus.

Anne has been my friend for the last fifteen years.   She has worked with me in kitchen that were 900 degrees and never once threatened to quit on me.   She has had my back when it seemed that world was turning against me.  She has made me laugh and held my hand as I cried.   Black Friday just isn't Black Friday until she and I can meet up and shop.   We may not buy a thing but we sure do enjoy shopping.  She has a crazy (as in insane) addiction to pigs, which I may have contributed to on occasion.   She has a knack for burning things that should not be capable of burning...but somehow!

Tonight, I am faced with the possibility of losing my friend.  My heart is breaking.   All over again.   To be honest, I just want to scream.   I don't want lose her...she's as close as a sister.  Still, I know, that I know, that I know that God is good.   He knows our first day and our last.   When life is not fair, He is still good.

He comforted my heart today and as I visited with Anne tonight, I saw it on her face, too.   She is being comforted by the One who loves her more than we can fathom.   She is strong and she is a fighter.   She loves her family and she loves God.

Tonight, I find myself praying for her.  For her husband and her daughter.  For her brothers and their wives.   For her nieces and nephews.   And for her friends (me included).   That we will all know the comfort that can only come from God.

I will NOT stop praying for her healing.   I am not giving up on this!  I believe that God can heal her and was reminded again tonight of just how powerful he is.   I will keep on praying.  I'd appreciate it if you would join me, too.

Finding Gratitude...

Growing up, I remember my mom always telling us that if we looked hard enough we could always find something to be thankful for.   I remember watching her as she worked hard and raised the five of us as a single mom...but she was always thankful.   Life didn't turn out the way she planned it or the way she wanted...but she was thankful.  It spoke volumes to people around her.   It spoke volumes to her family.   It spoke volumes to a young, impressionable girl who would someday need to put that kind of thought process into action.

I will not kid you, the last two years have been some of the most painful days I've ever walked.   Finding out that your love has terminal cancer is heart-breaking, scary and overwhelming to say the least.    Walking through cancer treatments, both chemo and radiation, is so hard as you watch your loved one slip away.   And there is nothing you can do.   Nothing to make them better.   Nothing to take away the pain.   You feel helpless and at times hopeless.

When the day comes and the doctor tells you that they have done all they can do, you just want to run away and hide.   Feelings of thankfulness are not oozing from your being.   We were told that Jeff had two, may three weeks to live.   As gentle and caring as our doctor was, I couldn't bring myself to thank him.  I didn't want to hear what he was saying.

Over the next few days, Jeff prepared me for what was to come.    He called our banker, our insurance agent, the funeral home and even someone about the burial plot.   He spent precious hours just talking to me.   Reminiscing and talking about my future.   A future that wouldn't include him.

We didn't get our two to three weeks.  We had nine days.   Nine days from the time we learned that the treatments were not working anymore until he left us for heaven.    How do you pack a lifetime into nine days?   I will tell you, I struggled to find something to be thankful for during that time.   I was angry...the doc had said two to three weeks...we should've still had time.  Nine days.  216 hours to say "I love you".   Not enough time.

On Thursday evening (before Jeff had the first mini-stroke on Friday), we were laying in bed.   Laying in the bed had become very painful for him as the cancer had moved to the bones and finding a comfortable position was no longer possible.   He turned to me and just said, "Come here".   He just wanted to hold me.   So for about 20 minutes, we just laid there, embracing, saying goodbye without using words...only tears.   Then the pain became unbearable and he had to return to his chair for the remainder of the evening.   At the moment, I could see nothing to be thankful for.   I was having to say goodbye to my love.   I was not feeling thankful at all.

It was not until recent days that I have been able to be thankful.   Can I be honest and tell you that I've had to dig for it?   It didn't come quickly or without tears being shed.   See, I've learned to be thankful for cancer.   I know, that sounds crazy and many will never understand it.   Somedays, I am not sure I understand it myself.   But the reality of it all is that cancer gave us time to say goodbye.   God could have taken him home in an instant with the pulmonary embolism that started all this.   We never would've known what hit him.   There would have been no time for goodbye.   Instead, He gave us eighteen months.    And if that weren't enough, He gave us a 9 day warning.    Jeff McFalls left this world knowing that his family loved him and having made sure that we knew he loved us, too.

Last night a tragedy struck one of my friends as her husband was quickly ushered to heaven.   No time for lengthy goodbyes.   As my heart breaks for her and I know that she is crushed, I found myself thankful for the time we had.   My friend will now have to walk this awful road of grief, but I know that with God's help, in time, she will find things to be thankful for.    It won't be the same things I am thankful for.  Our situations are not the same.   But we serve the same God and we look to Him for healing and restoration.   In time...all in good time.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, (from the Living Translation), "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."    It doesn't come easy all the time.  Sometimes we must dig deep to find it.   But finding gratitude is God's will for my life.   Lord, help me to have a heart of gratitude.   One that seeks after You and reflects your image.

Six months

It's been six months since you left this world and made heaven your home.   I miss everything about you.   Somedays, it just doesn't feel real...then others, it's so real I can't breathe.   I know that you are beyond happy there.   It makes staying here very hard for me.  You know I never did like to let you take trips without me!

Yesterday, the reality of your absence was so heavy.   I went to church like usual, but during the pre-service prayer time, I was suddenly overwhelmed with grief.   I looked at the stage and could see you standing there, with your feet hanging over the edge...scaring me like you always did.   I heard your laugh and caught that little wink that was meant just for me.   Then the tears began to fall.   Those days are gone.  

Zac is settled at inCharacter now...you would be so proud of him.   He is excited about the plan God has for him.   Our prayers have been answered...our prodigal has returned.   Doran drove to Tampa for the first time this weekend...I was a nervous wreck!   Remember the first time Zac drove in heavy traffic and how terrified we were?   Yeh, didn't get any better with the second one!   Oh, and speaking of our kids driving...Abbi will be 15 next month and getting her permit.  I thought the deal was that you would teach her to drive!!!   Lord, help me with this one!   We drove around the church parking lot about 900 times the other day (at a top speed of 5 mph), so she could get familiar with how a car works.   You would have smiled...by about the 10th lap she was singing and telling me how to drive!  You owe me!

Our new pastors are settling in...you would love them.    Sometimes he reminds me of you.   He tells it like it is, in love.   You would be pleased.   The new nursery wing is almost complete.   It's going to be beautiful.   Things are changing around Medart Assembly (just as you would've wanted) but your presence still remains on many levels.  

I am working on my credentials.   Hopefully, I will be a credentialed minister with the Assemblies of God within the next month or so.   I looked at your mantel again the other day...soon I will have one of my own, I only wish you could place it on my shoulders.   And there are so many questions I want to ask you about this process.    I'm having to dig for it but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.   I wish I had your brain!

I am broken, but I am not destroyed.   I have found that I can lay at the feet of Jesus and find hope and restoration there.   He is healing my heart and preparing me for the future.   A future that is even more amazing than I can imagine.    As I wept during prayer yesterday, I "laid at his feet" on your old chair and knew that not one tear was in vain...Jesus kept them all.  As I laid there and just listened to Him...His words were a soothing balm for me soul.   Peace, be still.

Thank you, for all the years that you loved me.   For the way you prepared me to face this world without you.   You taught me how to be real, how to live for Jesus everyday.    You taught me how to minister and how to study God's word.   You taught me that I could trust Him and that nothing I face is too difficult for God.   Six months seems like years.   I wish you didn't have to go, but I trust God and I look forward to our reunion in Heaven.   I love you, Jeff McFalls.    Happy Six Months in Heaven!

Treasures

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever look at the calendar and not associate dates with memories of Jeff McFalls.   As we approach the six month mark since he's been gone, I find myself more and more emotional.   Tonight, I stood on stage and looked at the place where my husband preached his last message.   It was six months ago tonight.  We didn't know that he would be in heaven before the week was out.  It feels like he's been gone much longer, yet the pain of his absence is still so fresh that it reminds me that it hasn't been very long at all.

It just seems like every time I see a blasted calendar, it brings back memories of another time...a time where he still was here and my life was complete.   Now there is a void...one that only God can fill.

I've been listening to his sermons this week and it makes me miss him, yet comforts me at the same time.   I'm grateful for a plethora of sermons and recordings that captured his voice.   I wish there was more video.   Sometimes I just go stand in our closet and hold one of his shirts.   His scent is fading, but his memory is not.  

I try to imagine what heaven must be like.   What is he doing there?  What does his new body look like?    Funny,  as much as he enjoyed eating and golf, somehow I know that those things are no longer important to him.   All that matters now is worshipping his Lord.   I think I could find him right away...he'll be at the feet of Jesus.

As I thought about that tonight, I realized that everything Earthly thing that was important to Jeff McFalls, lost it's importance when he entered heaven.   As much as he loved loud, rocking' music, the music there is far, far, far better.   He loved football and basketball and golf...but I bet he hasn't missed it once since being there.   I noticed yesterday that ESPN hasn't been on in our home since he left.  (That may change with football season coming!)  It makes me think...what do I treasure here?   What do I invest my time, energy and money into?   My most valuable possessions will one day become worthless to me.   Only what I have stored up in heaven will be important.

Jeff made regular deposits into heaven's economy before leaving this world.   When I think of all the people he told of Jesus, all those who he helped send a missionary to, all those who he loved on while he was here,  I know that he is reaping the blessings now.  

I want to do the same.   I want to invest in God's economy.  With my time, talent, words and deeds, I want to touch people and tell them about Jesus.   I want to win as many as possible to him.   When I look at the happenings around the world, I have to think time is short.   When I look at the calendar, I know that it is very possible that by the time this  calendar expires, we could be with Jesus.   I want to make the most of every day...live life to the fullest until He comes again or takes me home.   Matthew 6:21 says that where my treasure is, there my heart will be also.   If that is the case, my heart is already there.

The Ministry of Weed Pulling

Anyone who knows me, knows that gardening is not my thing.   I do love gardens and am captivated by how they grow...I'm just not very good at it.   My family, on the other hand, is full of wonderful gardeners.   Just after Jeff passed away, my mother and my sister decided it was time for my yard to have some life to it.   They came over and planted beautiful plants in my flower gardens (that were pretty much just dirt at the time), and gave me instructions on how to "not kill" the pretty flowers.   All my friends were certain that this was an effort in futility and the plants would soon be dead.   I had to agree with my friends.   But for some reason Mom and Christie believed in me.

Nearly six months later, that garden is still blooming and growing!  Believe me, no one is more surprised than I am!!!   I have to thank our friend, Ronnie, for coming over and checking my irrigation system and actually setting a timer so the plants to get watered a couple of times a day.   Now, every time I step out of my front door, I get to see pretty flowers...what joy it brings me.

But along with those flowers come other unwanted visitors.   There are insects (that I'm learning to appreciate) and nasty weeds (that I loathe).  My friend, Chris (whose garden is AMAZING...she like even grows food in hers!), came by to visit one day and when I opened the door, she was pulling a weed from my garden.   She apologized and told she just couldn't help herself...weeds drive her nuts.   It didn't bother me a bit!   She went on to say that she found weed pulling to be therapeutic and that she actually enjoyed it.  Odd.   How could someone ENJOY pulling weeds? It made no sense to me.

Well, time has passed and though my garden is still growing well, so are the weeds.   At first, it was just a few along the edge of the sidewalk...then more and different kinds began to grow.  Yesterday, as I walked past my garden, I realized that it was becoming more difficult to identify the weeds from the flowers.

Sin is that way.   If we ignore it, it doesn't stop growing.  No, instead it takes root and sprouts up in new places.   Eventually, it will rise up and choke out everything good in our lives...and it will become harder to identify (because we become numb to it).    It must be "weeded" from our lives on a daily basis.

My first attempt at pulling weeds was a failure.   I waited until the hottest part of the day and became frustrated very quickly when the weeds would not come up.   I was hot, defeated and worst of all, still had a garden full of weeds.  I then remembered something my friend told me, it's easier to weed when the soil is soft.   Right after a rain (or after the sprinkler system has cycled) is the best time to weed.  So this morning, as I walked by the bed, I noticed that ground was wet...I stopped and pulled a weed. It came out with ease.   Before I knew it, I had pulled all the weeds out of that bed.  My hands were dirty, but the weeds were out and my garden was healthier for it.

It was in the middle of that weed pulling venture that God spoke truth to me.   I don't know if you caught it, but I've already said, "weeds are easier to pull when the soil is soft".   Rain softens soil, a sprinkler system softens soil...and I realized this morning, tears soften soil as well.  When the soil of my life has hardened (by the pressures and exposure that this life brings) and weeds have taken root, sometimes God will allow an unexpected storm to come along and soften our soil.   It is not meant to harm us...it comes to soften us.   The same rain that softens the soil so that weeds can be more easily removed, brings nourishment to the plants.   The same tears that soften my heart so that sin can be more easily uprooted, will bring growth and fruit that is good.

I learned a couple of other things this morning about weeds.   1) Younger weeds are easier to pull than those that have been ignored for months...uproot sin early, don't let it take root.  This is especially true with offense.  If you let it take root, it will quickly turn to bitterness, then hatred...and then it is not so easily uprooted.   Deal with sin as soon as you recognize it...it will be much easier.  2) When pulling weeds, you will get dirty.   My hands were filthy when I finished...and bleeding in a couple places where a thorn got me.    Don't expect it to look pretty when your pulling the "weeds" in your life.   If you are doing it right, it most likely will not look pretty.   You can always wash your hands afterward.

The hardships that I have lived through in the past couple of years made my heart hard in places.   I allowed sin to take root and hoped that if I ignored it, it would die or simply go away.   I couldn't understand, when the weeping came, that God was allowing the tears to soften the soil of my heart.   What seemed like a senseless downpour to me, was intended to soften, bring life and cleanse me so my life would be a fragrant garden.   As I pulled those weeds this morning, I thanked God for the storms that I have misunderstood.   Thank you, Lord, for loving me enough to send a storm to soften my heart.   Thank you that you do not just ignore the wrong things in my life, that you deal with them, uprooting the evil and bringing forth new life that glorifies You.   Create in me a new heart, and renew a right spirit within me.  Ps. 51:10.

  

Indentations

As I write this blog entry, I am approaching what would have been the 25th anniversary of the day I said "I do" and began this amazing life with Jeff.   On that hot Summer day in 1989, we stood before our friends and family and exchanged vows and rings, sealing our promise with a kiss.   Alas, we were husband and wife.   I never would have dreamed that I would approach this Silver Anniversary as a widow.   That the love of my life would move to Heaven just a few short months before our celebration.  No, on that day all I knew was that the ring he placed on my finger that day would be there for a very, very long time.  

When Jeff and I began to talk about getting married, I worked in a large jewelry store.   I looked at rings all day, inspected them and knew how to tell the good diamonds from the bad ones in a glance.   I paid very close attention to the craftsmanship of rings and was intrigued by every detail.   Jeff knew this so he went to a local jeweler (not a chain), where the owner was known for hand picking his stones and for crafting one of a kind jewelry.    His work wasn't particularly flashy or over the top, but it was detailed and no two rings that he made were the same.  

That day, as he placed the ring on my hand and I placed one on his, we promised to love each other until "death do us part".   That promise ended as he drew his last breath on March 8th of this year.    Twenty-five years and 3 days after he asked me to be his bride...5 months short of our 25th anniversary.

Many times during our marriage, I would tease him about getting me new rings.   You see, as a college student, when you decide to purchase a hand crafted, hand picked diamond...you have to choose between quality and quantity.   He chose to go with something that was crafted well and had a diamond of value rather than a larger stone of lesser quality.   I love my ring, still, I enjoyed teasing him that when our twenty-fifth anniversary came around he would need to buy me a new ring!

Anyone who knew Jeff, knew he was not one to buy frivolous gifts.   Gifts didn't mean much to him, but he understood that I enjoyed them so he honestly tried to give them.    One night as we were getting ready for bed, I took off my rings and was applying lotion to my hands.   Jeff noticed that my wedding rings had left a deep indentation on my finger and he commented on it.   "Are your hands swollen?" he asked.    When I responded that they weren't but that the rings had just left a permanent indentation on my hand, he smiled.  "Oh well, guess that means no new rings, huh?   They wouldn't fit the groove."   I promptly reassured him that my finger would adjust.

Now, with our anniversary just 24 hours away, I find myself looking at that indentation.   Perhaps my finger will adjust, but I don't think my heart will.   Jeff McFalls left an indentation on my heart that is permanent...it will always be there.  

In the months since his passing I've had good days and bad days.   I have mourned the loss of a wonderful husband and father.   I have grieved over shattered dreams and the absence of my lover.   I've had to learn new things, how to take care of my family, how to function without him.   I've made decisions about finances, faith and family.   But I have avoided the thought of exchanging the ring.

Tuesday is the day that I thought I would take off my wedding band and exchange it for a new ring.   Now, I'm just not sure.   As I took the rings off tonight to clean them, I once again saw the indentation.   It is deep, as was our love for each other.   I looked up the word indentation...I found this, a deep recess or cut, a notch or impression left by direct contact with another object.   My finger has what seems to be a permanent recess...and impression left by direct contact with the ring.   My heart has an indentation as well.   A deep recess left by direct contact with an amazing man.   It will never be the same.  

I find myself wondering if I am leaving indentations on the lives of those I come in contact with.   Am I consistent enough to leave an impression?   And what will the indentations that I leave look like?    See I can show you the indentations on my hand and you can tell exactly how those rings were on my hand.   I look at our rings and they both have indentations on them...places where the rings have come in direct contact with things that left dents and cuts on them.    The indentations are very specific.  So is the indentation on my heart, but the indentation on my heart doesn't just look like Jeff McFalls...it looks like the God he served.    Why?   Because God had already left an indentation on his heart before I ever met him.   Jeff lived his life to be like Jesus as best as he could. That was his aim, to reflect Jesus.  So it is only natural that the impression he would leave would look like Jesus.

When I leave an indentation on the lives of others, I want it to be God shaped.   I want it to be an impression that looks like the cross...not like me.   In order for that to happen, I must have direct contact with Jesus.   Anything else will end up reflecting me...and that is an indentation that is worthless.    Only what I am in Christ is worth passing on.  

My plans for now are to put a new ring on my finger on Tuesday.   Honestly, I don't know if it will happen or not...I'm not there yet.   But whether I do or don't take off this ring, I will never look at my left ring finger again that I do not think of Jeff and thank God for every moment He gave me with him.   And when I think of him, how can I not remember his first love...Jesus Christ.   Oh Lord, leave your indentation deep on my heart and let whatever mark I leave on this world look like You.

When the answer is no...

Sometimes, when I blog, it is comforting to me.   It helps me to get it out...to express my feelings and to heal.   But sometimes, it is just downright painful.   I suppose that it is still healing but it hurts  terribly and I have to make myself do what I promised Jeff I would do...keep telling the story.    I'm already sensing that this blog will fall into the latter category.

Today is Independence Day...well, for at least 2 more minutes anyway...I put this off all day.   In the past, we've always shared this day with friends, watching fireworks, eating together and just enjoying each other's company.   Today, it didn't happen like that.   No, today I went to Jeff's grave.   Even though I know he is not there, the overwhelming urge to just lay down on his grave was nearly more than I could stand.   I wanted to just curl up in a ball and spend the day talking to him.   Only by the grace of God was I able to walk away and regain my composure.   I miss him more than I can say.   I just want to hear his voice and feel his arms around me again.  

I am thankful for friends who have been so good to me throughout all this.   Friends who are real enough to ask the hard questions.  Friends who don't just say they are praying, I can trust that they really are.   And they put legs on their prayers.   On more than one occasion this week, I have had friends who genuinely showed their love and concern for me as they have inquired about how I am handling my grief, my financial status, my dreams for the future and how my kids are doing.   So here I am, surrounded by wonderful people who are precious friends, yet tonight I feel so lonely.    Tonight I am keenly aware that everything has completely changed.

My heart is broken tonight but still I know that I do not grieve as those who have no hope.  Do I hurt?    So much that it is hard to catch my breath.   But I am not hopeless.   I trust a God who gives me hope even when I cannot see what I am hoping for.   It does not make sense...how can my heart hurt so deeply, yet hope so deeply at the same time?    Second Corinthians 1:5 says, "For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."   I guess that sums up what I am feeling...great suffering mixed with great comfort that can only come through Christ.  

All week long I have been meditating on a couple of verses.   One is the verse that I just quoted.  The other is Jeremiah 33:3, "Call to me and  I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."   I was really struggling with the first part of this scripture.   See, I called on God to heal my husband.    I did everything I knew to do to get God's attention and call out for a miracle.   So when I read "Call to me and I will answer you...", it was a hard thing for me to swallow.   I DID call...so why didn't God answer?   Why didn't he heal Jeff?   It would've only taken a touch and I know that cancer would've been obliterated.     So this week, I've argued a little (ok, a lot) with God about this verse.  Here is the outcome...  I have realized that just because God didn't give me what I wanted doesn't mean that He didn't answer me.   This time He said, "No".   We don't like that and we certainly don't like to talk about it but the fact is, sometimes God says, "No".     I found this really offensive until God pointed out some things to me.   One, I hate to be around kids who have parents that never say, "No".   They turn out to be brats and make life miserable for all those around them that have to endure!   Two, because I dislike that kind of parenting model, I have no problem telling  my children, "No".    It doesn't mean that I love them less or that I am trying to be mean.   In fact the opposite is more true...it is because I love them so much and I see a bigger picture than they do.    The Bible refers to God as being a good father...and a good father will say, "No" sometimes.   I called out to God and He did answer me...and his answer was no.

So then comes the rest of that verse...and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.   I believe that is where my hope is coming from tonight.   The calm reassurance that God is in the process of revealing to me great and unsearchable things...things I cannot fathom.   He is telling me things so great that it never even occurred to me that I could hope for them.   He is planting dreams in my heart that I never could've even hoped for a year ago.   Today, I walked around and around Jeff's grave...talking to him about all the things that I believe God is speaking to me...things about my future, things about my ministry, things that are great and unsearchable, things that I never knew could be part of God's will for me.    Honestly, some of those things would never have materialized if Jeff had been healed.   This kind of suffering was necessary in order for me to be available for the next calling God has on my life.   Does it make the suffering easier ?   Well, no, not really.   But it does reassure me that God will use it to develop me and make me ready for call He has placed on my life.

Though I feel alone, I know that I am not.   Though my heart is shattered, I trust that the incredibly creative God that serve can take the pieces and make something even more beautiful.   Though it feels that everything has changed and nothing will ever be the same again, I know that God has a plan for me...plans that are even greater than my hopes and dreams.   Lord, give me courage to do whatever you call me to.   Remind me that I can call to you, and you not only hear me, you answer.  

Out of the blue...

Today was a beautiful day.   As the third week of my seven week camp experience draws to a close, I am happy to say that this week has been amazing!   Everything has been working like clockwork in the kitchen and it has been a great week.   So when I started crying this morning for no reason, it completely caught me off guard.  

I was minding my business, grilling hamburgers and all the sudden the tears started.   I was overwhelmed by how much I missed Jeff.   I'm standing there looking at ground beef and all I can think about is Jeff grilling in our backyard.   

Several times since his passing, I have found myself in tears because something sad has happened or because I'm having a bad day.   But today I was thinking happy thoughts and suddenly the tear faucet turned on.   I can't really say that they were totally sad tears...yes, they were tears of sorrow because I miss my husband so badly.   But the memories on my mind were such fond memories that for a moment I almost forgot that he was gone.   It only lasted a moment, but for just a moment it felt like he was there. 

 As quickly as the feeling came, it left in a whoosh, leaving tears in it's wake.   But God is always good.   Even in the midst of tears that I did not understand, He knew exactly what my heart needed.   As my memories turned to questions and my questions turned heavenward, God responded in true God-like fashion.   He sent people to the grill to give me hugs.   He began to remind me of scripture that restored my soul.   Then, this afternoon, encouragement came from friends...first in the form of a beautiful card, then moments later in the form of beautiful flowers.   Both the card and flowers had the sweetest words in them...words that brought more tears, but strangely they were comforting tears. 

I cannot explain today...my vocabulary and use of language falls far short of describing what happened to me as I flipped hamburgers.   But I do know that God understands everything that I cannot.   He understands why Jeff's time on Earth was cut painfully short.    He understands why my heart must hurt.   He knows me better than I know myself.   He knows what my next season is and how He wants to use me in every season.   Things I can neither understand or explain.

Tonight the tears are still brimming.   Though I normally hate them, not tonight.   Tonight, I know that tears are from God...they are healing tears.   Tears that were unexpected, but they come with sweet memories of a man that I loved with all my heart.    My heart is broken, but I have a promise that it will heal.    The God that I serve will heal my heart, but until that day He will hold my heart.   

Thank you, Lord, that out of the blue, you come to me.   You comfort me when I don't even realize how much I need your comfort.   You heal me, when I don't understand how weak I am.   I will never understand You, but I know You.   I know Your nature...I know Your Word.   You are good, even when I don't expect it.   

In Hot Pursuit...

Every now and then, I find time to just "veg" in front of the tv.   Last week, while I was at camp, I was having trouble sleeping and found myself sitting on the sofa, watching some kind of cop show.   I was so exhausted mentally that I sat and watched a 20 minute high speed chase and somehow didn't feel compelled to change the channel.   I just sat there and watched a multitude of police vehicles pursue one lone truck that was used in the get away of crooks who had just robbed a store (or something...I don't really remember all the details!)   It wasn't really important what the offense was...the show was all about the pursuit.

Isn't that a good reflection of the society we live in.   We are all in pursuit of something.   Some pursue a career or wealth, some pursue knowledge, some pursue health or happiness, many pursue love.

As I plotted this blog, I began to recall my relationship with my late husband.   Jeff loved to tell everyone about how I had pursued him until I caught him.   Although he did like to really embellish the story, there was much truth in the tale that he told.   Once I realized that Jeff was A) available and B) a good catch, I do have to admit that the pursuit was on!   My mom had always taught me that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, so I began to send all my delacasies over to his dorm.   Nearly every day I would make cookies, or brownies or an oreo delight and take it over to Ellis Hall.   Looking back, I realize there was no way he could've eaten all that stuff...so that's why all his friends seemed to encourage him to date me!

Then came the time to step up my game and give the "whopper" 11 buck tip that really turned his head!  (See "Best Tip Ever" from May 8, 2014).   Hot pursuit, baby!   But wait, he was still playing a little hard to get...so okay, full steam ahead!   Thanksgiving break and I've gone to Charlotte with my friend, Tina.   We decide to cook a Thanksgiving meal for Jeff and some friend of hers (sorry, I don't remember his name or what he even looked like...I wasn't pursuing him!)  We worked all day to prepare a beautiful turkey, grandma's recipe for dressing, green bean casserole, broccoli casserole, sweet potatoes, rolls and dessert.   It was beautiful and I was certain that this pursuit was about to come to an end as surely he would see what an amazing cook I was and proclaim that he needed me in his life!   All was going well, until we began to slice the turkey (which was on a beautifully set table, btw).    About a 1/2 inch in, the turkey wasn't just raw...it was still frozen!   No one told us to THAW the turkey!!!  (And they didn't tell us about the baggie with all the giblets and the neck that was stuffed inside the bird either!)    So our pursuit changed at that moment, as we drove to a nearby restaurant for a burger!

I tell that story because when I wanted Jeff in my life, there was nothing that could stop me from pursuing him.    I'm not that different from you.   When you want something you will go after it until you get it.   Admit it.  

So when it comes to the things of Christ, why do we give up so easily.   "I just don't feel like I'm being fed anymore" is one the things that we have heard most in ministry and I drives pastors crazy!!!    How much have you really pursued spiritual food?  Have you sought out the presence of God?   I'm not talking about church hopping...I'm talking about what we are doing to create an atmosphere for the presence of God.   We just want it to happen but we are not willing to go after it.  

The part of the story that I don't often tell (and Jeff never told) is how he pursued me.   He would reroute his day so that he would be in my path between my dorm and my classes.   He would deliberately make up reasons that he needed my help with homework or studying in his classes.   He left sweet notes on my car, in my mailbox, in my textbooks...   See, I was pursuing him, but he was pursuing me, too.

Christ has pursued us...He still is!   Christ left all the comfort of heaven and came to this Earth in pursuit of us.   He died in pursuit of us.  He continues to pursue us...calling and beckoning to us.  Wooing us to Him.  

In our Sunday School class we are studying "Not a Fan" by Kyle Idleman.   This week's lesson has "the pursuit" at the forefront of my thoughts.   How can I not pursue Christ?   How can I not pursue His presence?   He gave everything in pursuit of me.   His presence is so sweet...I need it more than the air I breathe.    Over the past few weeks at camp, I have found that it is easy to get lost in the hooplah and forget to pursue His presence.   But the hoopla will never sustain me...only His presence!
So I will pursue...HOT PURSUIT!  

I leave you with the lyrics to one of my new favorite worship songs...

"Your presence is all I need
It's all I want, It's all I seek
and without it, without it there's no meaning.

Your presence is the air I breathe
the song I sing and the love I need
and without it, without it I'm not living."

And anything I need that badly, I WILL PURSUE!

A Change in Plans

I am a planner.   I make lists...then I list my lists.   It's something I do without really thinking about it.     Whether I am planning a meal or shooting a wedding, there is this eternal list going on inside my brain.   Sometimes the list will actually make it to paper, but more times than not, it is just an invisible scrolling list in my mind.

After Jeff passed away, an immediate list started rolling in my brain of dreaded days to come.   The funeral, his birthday, the day our church would replace him as pastor, our 25th anniversary, but the day that I dreaded most was going to be Father's day.   It was number one on my list, then it kept popping up over and over.    Father's Day, and the father of my children is gone.

Father's Day would also mark the 5th anniversary of our church being in its new sanctuary...a building the my husband worked hard to see completed.   When we came to this church nearly 15 years ago, the forty or so people who worshipped there had a dream of building a new sanctuary and seeing it filled with unfamiliar faces.     Until then, it was only a dream, but shortly after we came the dream began to take legs.    It didn't happen over night.   It was a long hard fight!  With God's help and the hard work of a unified church, the dream finally became a reality on Father's Day, 2009.  

So perhaps that is why Father's Day stuck out so much to me.   I don't know.   I only know that I dreaded this first Father's Day without Jeff more than any other day on that list of dreaded days.  

I really felt helpless as to how to control my feelings regarding this day.    Feelings of panic...similar to suffocation.   In an effort to gain "control" over my feelings toward Father's Day, I decided to come up with a plan...to make a new list.    My plans included worship of course, followed by a trip to the cemetary to do something at his grave that I thought would honor him and give the kids a chance to say Happy Father's Day to Daddy.    Then I thought I would keep myself busy for the rest of the day with work until I would have to pack up an go back to Marianna for another week of cooking at camp.    Once in Marianna, I knew I would have so much to do that thinking about this dreaded day would be the last thing on my mind.

God, however, must not have been real impressed with my plans or my lists though.    Sometime Saturday I began to feel ill...not terrible, just not well.   But by the early morning hours of Sunday morning, I was incredibly sick...fever, chills, aches, stomach pain...it just kept getting worse.   I texted our worship leader to let him know I wouldn't make it to sound check but would still try to make it service.   The next thing I knew it was early afternoon and one son was already on his way to Marianna.   After a couple of hours, I felt like I might live and began to get ready to head to camp.   God gave me about 3 hours, just enough time to pack and drive to Marianna before the second wave of sickness rolled in.   Just as we pulled into the campground, I felt my fever go back up and I didn't even bother to unload my bags.   I simply got out of the car and into the camper where I crashed.   I'm not sure what happened for the next several hours, except I was in and out of coherency and was thankful for good friends and family who checked in on me.

Thankfully, by the next morning, I was well enough to go to work, however the fatigue and pain would linger for the next several days.    As a matter of fact, today (Thursday) is the first day that I have felt back up to 100%.   So, when it hit me today that God had completely altered my plans for this week...it was kinda an "ah-ha" moment for me.

"Ah-ha" because God never intended for me to do all the things that I had planned out for Father's Day.    He didn't intend for me to fear that day, or any other for that matter.   He didn't intend for me to make a big deal about it being the anniversary of the opening of the new sanctuary...I suspect my husband is up there begging Him to make me stop making a big deal of things.   Jeff never was one for Pomp and Circumstance.

"Ah-ha" because God, nor Jeff would've wanted me to be so heart broken over such a special day.   It is a day set aside for honoring men who have loved and raised the children God has blessed them with.   That is something I do everyday.   I honor him because when God gave me Jeff McFalls, He gave me someone that surpassed all the qualities I had on my list for a husband.   Then, when God began to give us children, I was even more amazed my this precious gift I had in him.   He was gentle and firm...and consistent (most of the time).   His love could not be diminished by the rebellion of a child, nor the failure to return the love shown.   He was Daddy in every way...a Godly example of what a man should be.   This was a day when I should celebrate...not be broken hearted.

"Ah-ha" because I realized that in the midst of being so sick...my plans had gone out the window.   I had lost my list.   God had changed my plans and in the aftermath, I discovered that my plans were silly plans anyway.   They weren't plans that were designed to move me along this path I am on...they were plans to dig in my heals and take root.    Taking root in deep grief is never a good thing.   See, God knew that as innocent as the plans on my list looked, my real aim was to make sure everyone remembered to grieve Jeff the way I grieve him.    Those plans do not come from Him.   (And Jeff McFalls would "have my hide" if he knew anything about those plans!)  I'm not saying God wants us to forget him...but there is a fine line I am going to have to be very careful to not fall prey to crossing it.   How do I know that God's plans differ from the plans I had for that day?  Well...I guess that's my last "Ah-ha".

"Ah-ha" that God has a plan for me...a plan to prosper me and not to harm me...a plan to give me a hope and a future.   Jeremiah 29:11  has been one of our favorite verses for our whole marriage.   This week, as I had my "Ah-ha" moment, the verses following held a new dearness to me..."Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.   You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

So tonight I am making a new list.   It's a seek and find list.   A list of all the things I am seeking from God...things for my future.    Things I believe He has promised me.   Things that can come only from Him...and only because they are in His plan for me.   A change in plans...maybe not so bad after all!