Our Journey #17

January 22, 2013

Today was a milestone in our journey.   Jeff had his last chemo treatment.   Our doctor seemed very pleased with his progress.  He listened to his lungs and noted that they sound wonderful.  He told Jeff that he wants him back on the golf course, playing as much as possible, as soon as possible.  Music to my husband's ears (and honestly, it was quite melodious to me as well).  But as this day came to an end, I realized that this is where faith must really kick in.

Up til now, we have been actively doing everything we know to do to beat this monster called cancer.   We've done radiation, chemo, dietary changes, vitamin supplements, and even Xango juice.   I've researched until I feel that I could apply for med school...well, maybe for something in the medical field!!  

But now, we must wait.   Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers said it best...the waiting is the hardest part (and yes, I had to Google to see who sang it...Jeff is already in bed and my friend Katie, who would be my other "phone-a-friend" for music trivia has moved off to Chicago!)  Seriously, I suspect that this is the part that the majority of cancer patients struggle with the most.  Waiting to see if the treatment worked.   

Well, today, God has given me several confirmations that I can trust Him...He's got this.  As our world watched the debacle of an inauguration, I was once again reminded that God is in control.   Even though there were outright attempts made to leave Him out of today's celebration, I am reminded that He is sovereign and that He is still God even when governments turn away from Him.   Man cannot control Him.   And Satan and all His schemes is not even close to being a match for Him.  I know it may sound strange that I would find any encouragement in today's events...but I did.   I believe I was encouraged because it reminded me that God's word is true.   In John16:33 Jesus says  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  Whether it is political unrest or cancer or financial collapse...that is a promise that I can cling to!!  

God gave me another scripture today..But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31.  As I read that, I knew that God was preparing me for the wait.   It's time to wait on Him...to trust Him...to HOPE in Him (as the NIV says).   And as we do, He will renew our strength...I believe He is healing every cell in Jeff's body.   It says that we will mount up with wings like eagles.   Eagles soar...have you ever watched one in flight?   They soar high...up above the worries and concerns of earth.   And eagles have large, strong wings...I believe that what He has for us is unbelievably majestic and graceful...like the wings of an eagle.    They shall run and not be weary...reminds me that we are in a race and that the prize that awaits us is worth every step...let us not grow weary!   Dr. Bandheri told Jeff today...I'd like to see you running that golf course...I believe it's possible!   They shall walk and not faint...many times, in this walk, we have felt like we would faint.  Yet, even when it seemed we couldn't take another step, we could feel His gentle encouragement and His promise that He wouldn't let us faint.  Sometimes, it came through a God sent doctor, who placed his hand on his patient and prayed to a God who could do what man was incapable of doing.   Sometimes, it came through a meal, or a card, or a gift, or a phone call, or a note written by a sweet little girl.    But the encouragement always came...and the fainting never did.

So now the waiting begins...I won't promise that I won't worry from time to time.   I'm sure it will get me at times.   Cancer patients have a term they use for the time leading up to the rescans...they call it scanxiety.   Well, all I can says is that when I feel it, I plan to give it to God.  He says, "Cast all your cares on me..."  That's an offer I plan to take Him up on.   

Please keep us in your prayers over the next few weeks.   I will continue to post...I'm not out of words yet!!!  (Ha!  Just when you thought it was safe!!!)   Believe with us for this miracle.   We serve a wonderful, mighty God...nothing is impossible for Him.  Teach me, Lord...Teach me, Lord, to wait.

Our Journey #16

December 30, 2012

2012 is drawing to an end.   I've been going through old pictures today...feeling a bit nostalgic.   Jeff had his 5th chemo treatment on Wednesday, so that put him out for the bigger part of today.   So, I've just been thinking over the last year and pondering all the changes that we faced.    Our year started out a little rough, but sometimes that comes with being in ministry...you just have to learn to roll with the punches.   Easter was on us before we knew it and Jeff turned 50!   Summer rolled around and it seemed like it was over before it began.    Then September came and everything seemed to come to a screeching, grinding halt.   

It's amazing how fast your life can completely change.   Everything, your perspective, your priorities, your dreams, your needs, your wants...everything.    One of our oncologists (I'm not sure which one because I was still in the blurry stage), told us early on that this cancer has probably been in Jeff's body for 10-15 years.   Just a tiny cell or two...then one day, something triggered it to start growing in his body.   So today, as I looked over old pictures, I found myself looking for the cancer.   I know...that's crazy!   You can't see it in a photograph.   But I found myself looking at each picture and wondering, "was it growing here...or here?"    

I couldn't see the cancer, but what I did see took my breath away.    I saw a love that has endured many trials and tribulations.   Some we caused by our own stupidity...some that came at the hand of others...some, a result of an attack from an evil enemy.      I saw dreams that we've dreamed together, yet somehow long ago forgotten many of them.   I saw determination to make it...even when the odds weren't stacked in our favor.  I saw a family of imperfect people who were knitted together perfectly by a perfect God.   What I saw was my everything...

Tomorrow we will celebrate as he takes his last radiation treatment.   I must admit, it's a little bittersweet.   We've formed relationships with the people we've come in contact with there.   His doctor, who is a fellow believer, and who I believe was sent to us straight from God.   His nurse, who can give it back to Jeff as fast as he can dish it out...how I love to see them banter back and forth!   His two radiation techs who zap him every day.   They take such good care of him and I think he'd bring them home with us if they'd come.   The receptionist who greets us everyday as we come in...the volunteers who call him back for treatment.   And then there are the other patients who we sit with while waiting for treatment.   The sweet couple from Perry...this isn't their first go around.   The couple from Kinard...who somehow turned out to be related to Donnie Pitts and therefore have given us much to chat about!    The sweet little lady who comes in by herself everyday, and always looks perfect...but you know that somewhere in her body cancer is raging.   The precious lady who I've just recently met, she's recently divorced and is now battling cancer.   She is a believer and I know that God sent her as an encouragement to me and He sent me as an encouragement to her.   The "grumpy" man who cracks me up every day...he always comes out with 2 robes on...only to return from treatment with one on and the other in his hand.    The lady who reminds me so much of Jeff's grandmother...she just finished her treatment recently...she always had hugs for everyone.     So many people we've encountered...I just wish we would've met them somewhere else!

Last year, at this time, I was worried about petty things that I had no control over.   I never could have imagined all that was on our horizon for 2012.   But I did know that no matter what would come our way, God would be with us.   That is the promise that He gives us..."I will never leave you or forsake you".   As I looked at each picture, I couldn't see cancer...but I could see God with us.   God with us...through every valley, through every fear.     He doesn't always promise us that the outcome will be what we want or that the road will be easy.   But He does promise that He will be with us.    He's with us when fear attempts to raise its ugly head and doubts begin to fill my mind.   He's with us when the toll of treatment renders my strapping husband weak and feeling helpless.   He's with us when we can't see tomorrow for the mountain we are climbling today.   He is with us.

As we walk into that final treatment tomorrow...He will go with us...oh how I hope everyone can see Him!!!   I pray that they can see Him in everything we do.   That hit me today...He's been with me all along...I've felt Him and I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.   Have others been able to see Him?   That is truly my hope...in everything I do, Lord...let my life glorify You.    

So as 2012 ends and 2013 begins, I have hopes and dreams, concerns and fears...but I also have a promise.   God is with us!   I can think of no greater thing!

Our Journey #15

December 23, 2012

It's almost Christmas!   My favorite time of the year and though we have always been blessed to have awesome Christmases, this year it just seems a little sweeter.   All month long, Jeff has been preaching a sermon series on the gifts of Christmas.   All day long, I have been preparing an endless array of gifts for friends and family and even doctors!    So, all this talk about gifts got me to thinking...thinking about the many gifts we've been blessed with this year.   

We have been blessed with an incredible gift of peace in the midst of a storm that we never saw coming.   It was upon us before we knew it and we found ourselves reeling with each crashing wave...yet in the middle of all, Jesus spoke peace to our storm and gave us a calm that cannot be explained.

We have been given the gift of forgiveness.   Not only forgiveness for our sins, although that is of upmost importance, but this year we have forgiven others and been forgiven by others.    This kind of reconciliation can come only through the love of Christ at work in us.   This year, we found ourselves realizing that hurt feelings were minor offenses that God could and desired to heal.   Life is far too important for us to walk around mad at those who have offended us.  The more we have forgiven, the more we realize that we too, need that same forgiveness.  Even though I can't at this point say that every relationship is healed and restored, I can say that as for what I can control...all is forgiven.  I also believe that it is just a matter of time before God restores every relationship...and this year I've learned that His timing is always better than mine.

We have been given the gift of family.   No family is perfect.  We all have skeletons that we'd rather not let out...yes, even families in the ministry (especially families in the ministry).   This year, more than ever before, we have learned how important family is.  Both our extended family and our immediate family have become extremely dear to us.  Each one is a treasure...yet somehow we had taken our family for granted.   We found that our fuse was shorter when it came to family...that our tempers were hotter...and that we didn't say I love you nearly enough.   All that changed this year.   God helped us put family back in its proper place and helped us gain a new appreciation for them.   Our children, though they may not be perfect, are really good kids for the most part.    Yes, we have the typical headaches that any family with teens and young adults  have, but my kids (each in their own way) make us very proud.   When faced with a life changing diagnosis, they we shocked and scared...but then each one has risen to the occassion and found ways to help out.   This Christmas morning will be different for us...we've realized that the best presents don't fit under a tree!

This may sound very strange to you, but I believe we were given the gift of cancer this year.   AND NO, I don't want Jeff or anyone else to have cancer...I hate cancer...let's get that straight.   Here's what I mean...Jeff's life could've ended with a pulmonary embolism...we never would've even had a chance to say goodbye.    His cancer could've been so far gone that we wouldn't even get a chance to fight.   The embolism didn't take him out, and God gave us chance to fight because it is a gift.   He has allowed me the opportunity to reach countless people through this whole ordeal.   He has opened new doors of ministry that never would've been opened if not for that fateful diagnosis.   He has allowed a community to watch my husband display a strength that can only come from God as he battles this terrible disease.   He has allowed us to meet and interact with medical professionals and has used us to touch them in ways that wouldn't have been possible 6 months ago.   As we pray and believe that God will heal Jeff, we are ever mindful that nothing happens in a believers life by chance...the steps of a righteous man are ordered by the Lord!   This year, God ordered that we walk through the valley of cancer...we choose to be thankful in all things.

We have been given a gift of an incredible love.   After 23 years of marriage, I can honestly say that each day I fall more in love with this man than I ever dreamed possible.   I look at him on stage, and I think...that's MY man!   I have worked side by side with him in ministry...and yet I still miss him if we have to be apart.  I've seen him be gentle with those who need a gentle hand and I've seen him be more firm when needed. I've learned to appreciate and respect his judgement...he truly loves his flock.    I find myself getting aggrevated with couples who vow to love each other "til death do us part" and then throw it all away because they "fell out of love".   Then I remember, that we, too, once took our love for granted.   We didn't cherish each other and as a result we weren't always very nice to each other.    It took a conscience effort on both our parts to find our way back to our gift.   This gift is more amazing than all the other gifts...but make no mistake...it is not an effortless gift.   It is one that we must work at everyday, however, the more you work on it, the easier it gets and the more amazing it becomes.  

Christmas morning will not reveal big gifts under our tree.   We have what we need.   I'll make our traditional pancake breakfast and we will catch movie together.   But this Christmas, there will be something different.   We will pause...we will appreciate...we will laugh...we will love...we will give thanks and we will remember God's gift...His son, Jesus Christ.  Then, we will give that gift away...again, and again, and again...afterall, He really is the reason for the season and He is the greatest gift of all!    

Our Journey #14

December 10, 2012

I don't really know where to start this note...my mind is racing in a hundred million different directions.   I find myself experiencing so many different emotions that I fear that mear human words will not truly convey what is on my heart.    This past week has been a crazy torrent of trials and victories and obstacles...I feel like I'm on a white water raft!  It all started with Jeff having his 4th chemo treatment last Monday.   He was originally scheduled for the treatment a week earlier but due to a low platelet count, had to wait a week.   Since the place where I have my annual mammogram done is one floor below his chemo bay, I decided to be a good girl and book my scan to be done during his treatment.    The scan took only a few minutes and I met him in the bay to finish out his 3 hour treatment.   Tuesday, came and things appeared to be going smashingly...he went back for his post chemo shot that makes him feel awful...but we were still able to go to Abbi's Christmas band concert and enjoy that.   Wednesday, we headed in for our daily radiation appointment and met with the nutritionist.  She noted that he had begun to loose weight and gave us some tips for the sore throat that he was beginning to notice.  And everything from that moment to this has been a blur...   

Almost immediately after leaving the radiation office, Jeff began to have trouble swallowing.  Actually, he was having trouble before but I wasn't aware of it.  By Wednesday evening, he was feeling awful but insisted on going to church and preaching.   Thursday, things only grew worse.   His ability to swallow even liquids was not great and coupled with nausea...well, he quickly grew weak.   On our way to the radiation appointment, my phone rang and it was a number I didn't recognize.    I answered, only to find that it was the mammogram folks wanting me to come back in for a second scan and a possible ultrasound...are you kidding me????   Fear struck my heart...how would I ever break the news to my kids if this turned out bad?    I made an appointment for the next day and we continued on in silence.   Jeff was obviously worried about me...I was worried about him...we were both worried about our kids.  Friday morning came and Jeff was so weak, I knew he'd never make it into the radiation office...there's no way I could ask him to stay for my appointment, too.   Radiation didn't take long, but then they wanted to re-scan him...we are halfway through his radiation and they want to see if the treatment area can be diminished.   The worst part about these scans is I can't go back with him...I just have to sit and wait.   So wait, I did.   Thirty minutes later, he emerged with encouraging news...the larger tumor had shrunk by an additional 10%...the 2 smaller tumors are down by 50%.   Woo Hoo!   And it looked like I still had time to get him home and come back for my re-scan...something he didn't want me to do but was too weak to fight me on.

Once I had him safely tucked in bed, I returned to get my scan.   Now if the first scan wasn't uncomfortable enough, they amped up the second one just for me!   I just kept telling myself...they have to be thorough...you WANT them to be thorough, Libby!   The tech finished the scan and told me to stay put while she & the Dr. reviewed the results...in case they needed that ultrasound.    She returned a few minutes later with a smile and a, "You're free to go, all done!".   Another Woo Hoo!  I returned home to tell Jeff...and found him weaker still.   He had a wedding rehearsal to do on Friday evening and a wedding on Saturday.    With each passing moment his strength just seemed to float out of his body.  He wasn't eating and was barely drinking.    He made it through the rehearsal and we prayed for a better Saturday.   Saturday came, but his strength did not return.   He did manage to do the wedding but had to leave immediately afterward to go rest.   We began to pray that his strength would return for Sunday services.   He had 2 baby dedications planned for the a.m. service so that meant families would be there waiting.   There was NO WAY I would be able to talk him into sitting this one out.  So I got him ready  and drove a very weak husband to church.    He not only did the baby dedications but managed to preach an awesome message, even if he did have to do it from a stool.   I sat in my seat on the front row and thought how blessed I am to call him my husband.   He gives everything he has to serve the Lord...not for personal gain, but because that is what he is called to do.  

As we reported for his daily radiation treatment this morning, my big strapping husband was as weak as I've ever seen him.    He was downcast and his spirits were low.   Wondering if he should even continue treatment, he voiced his concerns to me.   He stepped on the scales and we found that he had dropped 15 lbs in the last week...no wonder he is drained and weak.    A few hours later and he had recieved some IV fluids and a pain medication to help him swallow more easily.   And the sweetest thing happened as we shared our concerns with our Radiation Oncologist...he put his hand on Jeff's shoulder, bowed his head and began to pray over him.     It wasn't an elaborate prayer, just a simple plea for God to help him through this most difficult time of his treatment.   I'm happy to report that he has eaten 2 (small) meals today.   He is stronger and appears to be beginning to come out of it.    He has about 14 radiation treatments left and 2 chemo treatments.   We are continuing to pray for a total healing and to thank God for every blessing.   

I don't understand the majority of what is happening to us, but I do understand that we serve a God who is complete control.    I trust Him to meet our needs.    I ask that when you think of us, pray for him.  Pray for God to heal him completely.   I know that many of you already do that and we are so grateful.   Pray for our testimony to be one that points people to Jesus.    As we go into this season that celebrates the birth of Christ, let us not become so focused on our on fraility that we forget to point others to Him!    To God Be The Glory!

2

Our Journey #13

November 18, 2012

Sometimes when I pray, my words run out...does that ever happen to you?   I mean, it seems that my vocabulary just isn't adequate enough to express what's in my heart.  This morning was one of those mornings.   Today is Sunday and Jeff has been very sick since Thursday night.  Let me back up a bit...Thursday, on the way home from his radiation treatment, he began feeling awful.   By Thursday night he was running a fever and had chills.   Fevers are not good for cancer patients, so I called his oncologist.   His oncologist called in an antibiotic for him and shortly after taking it, his fever broke...but then began the nausea.   Fast forward to today...he's still very sick.   I drove him to his radiation appointment at the crack of dawn, and he was so sick the whole way there.   When we made it back to the church, he went straight to his office and laid down. 

Those of you who know Jeff know that this means he is very sick.  We've been married 23 years and I've NEVER seen him do this.   So I go on into praise team rehersal and then into our pre-service prayer time.   I sat there and prayed for Jeff and for him to have the strength to preach, but honestly I was struggling to reign in my thoughts.   I found myself becoming very frustrated.  Frustrated with myself for not being able to think straight.  Frustrated with others for whining or not being dedicated, or having their own agenda or well, I really didn't need a reason...just frustrated.  I even found myself frustrated with God.   

So back to my prayer time.  When I found that I couldn't concentrate, I did what I always do...I said, "OK, God, guess you'll have to talk to me."  I pulled up Youversion on my phone and began reading in John 14.    "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God' trust also in me." verse 1.   I read through the whole chapter and again, toward the end of the chapter, a verse caught my attention.  "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." verse 27.  There it was again!   It was almost as if the words (or rather one word) was leaping off the page at me.   The word LET.   Another word for let is allow or permit.   It implies that I have control over my thought life.   "Do not let"...that means He's commanding me to command my heart!  Do not "let", "allow", "permit" your heart (to) be troubled. Trust in God.   Do not be afraid.

Suddenly, I realized that I had a choice to make.   I could continue to be frustrated, upset, TROUBLED...or I could command my heart to get in line with God's word.   I could command my heart to TRUST GOD.   I could command my heart to NOT BE AFRAID.   I could command my heart to stop being troubled.   The choice was mine.   I began to worship my God and one by one, my troubles began to fade.

I wish I could tell you that Jeff started feeling better.   He didn't.  In fact, he is worse tonight.  He missed the evening service...something he never does.   Everytime I look at him, my heart vies for control again.  It says, be afraid.   It says, don't trust.   It says, be frustrated.   But, what I learned this morning is that the choice is mine...do not LET your hearts be troubled!   

I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, but I know when God speaks to me...this morning He spoke to me.   So tonight, although my husband lies in our bed and is sicker than I've ever seen him, I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.    Although I am at my wits end, wanting to help him but utterly helpless as to what I can do, I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   Although people fail to live up to my expectations, I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   Although friends forsake me, I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   Although God's time table, doesn't line up with mine,  I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   And when I disappoint myself...I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   

My God is trustworthy...so I WILL trust Him.  Period.  End of Sentence.  This song came to mind, so I thought I'd just share the lyrics with you as I close.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Look full in his wonderful face.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace."

STOP LOOKING AT YOUR PROBLEM...LOOK AT THE PROBLEM SOLVER...AND DO NOT LET YOUR HEART BE TROUBLED!

Our Journey #12

November 8, 2012

If I have learned anything during our battle with cancer, its this...expect change.  Expect a change of emotions.  Expect a change of treatment. Expect a change in your schedule.  Expect a change in your lifestyle.  Expect a change in your priorities.  Expect a change of perspective.   Everything is about to change.  

The fair is in town and this week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  Highs, lows and fast curves, it feels like.  To be honest, I've always be more of a Merry-Go-Round kinda girl!   It started Monday with trip to the chemo dr and a chemo treatment.   I happened to mention a little cough to him and poof...xray!  Jeff had just endured 2 hrs of chemo and was ready for lunch...he was not happy with me and my big mouth.   Tuesday, he had to return to get a shot to boost his white blood cells...and the nurse tells him that it will make him feel "fluish" for 24 hours.  Great!   She also gave him the results from the xray...the mass in his lung was still there and "similar in size".  Double great (dripping with sarcasm!)   Wednesday, her words were proven true as he felt terrible all day.  He preached Wednesday night sitting down and it was obvious he felt bad.   Today was our scheduled meeting with the radiation oncologist and rescan day.   

Now, I have to tell you that when I read those xray results on Tuesday, it took my breath away.   We've been praying for the tumor to diminish or just be gone and we have believed God for the impossible.   So, I did the only thing I knew to do...I took it to the Lord and I called on some of my prayer warriors to do the same.  We began to pray for God to touch Jeff and change those results.   Yesterday, during one of his naps, I was praying over him.  I found myself begging God to spare him.  To just touch him...I believe that is all it would take...just like the woman with the issue of blood, if we could just touch the hem of his garment.   I felt in my spirit God asking me if I really believed that He would heal him.  I replied, yes.   Again, He asked me if I believed Him...again, I replied yes, I believe.   A third time He asked me the same question and for the third time my reply was yes (although I was beginning to wonder if maybe I didn't believe and that was why I was being asked 3 times).  Suddenly I heard the words in my spirit...Well then, BELIEVE!   So I purposed that I would do just that.   I would believe God for his healing touch on Jeff.   I would believe God for hope.   I would believe God, not because I have great faith, but because He is faithful.

This morning we started out and barely spoke on the way to the doctors office.    They came in and called him back...I would need to wait in the waiting room for this one.   I sat there and buried myself in God's word.   It was the only place I felt safe.   I read how God delivered David from the enemy's hand again and again.   Even when he was as close as a breath, and his entourage outnumbered David's...God did the impossible and delivered him.   I began to ask God for hope...I specifically asked that it not be a false hope, but that if God intended to bring us through this to give us some hope.   Soon, Jeff reappeared and motioned for us to go.   We walked silently to the parking lot...I was afraid to ask how it went.    Finally, I mustered an ounce of courage and asked.   Well, wouldn't you know it, the tumor has diminished by atleast 20-30% and it appears that it could be a little more from certain angles.   Radiation treatments begin on Wednesday.    HOPE!   Didn't I just ask for that?   Why did it suprise me so much?   Oh me of little faith!   

Ok, so that was good news, right?  So why didn't my husband look happy about it?   Well, I think there are many reasons.   One, we had really prayed that the cancer would be gone...that's what we were hoping for.   Two, he now has to do radiation...he is not happy about that.   Three, the results of chemo are kicking in...he feels awful.   There are more, but you get the picture.   So we go from happy that God has given us hope, to disappointed that we will still have to do radiation through the holidays.   Big swoosh...that might have even been the loopty loop!   

Tonight, my heart is light and heavy at the same time.  Light, because I know God answered my prayer this morning.  There is not a doubt in my mind about that.   Heavy, because my husband is in a low place...a place that he has helped many others through, but struggles to find his way through it now.   Last night, he admitted that his faith has been shaken this week.   Not his faith in God, but his faith that his healing will come.   That is why it is so important that we don't pull away from our brothers and sisters in Christ during these times.   We bear each other's burdens.  We pray for each other, we encourage each other, we stand in the gap if we must and we prop our brothers and sisters up until they can stand on their own again.   We are so grateful that we have friends who have prayed for us, fasted for us and who are willing to drop everything and come to us if need be.   

I guess the one thing I like most about roller coasters is that the ride doesn't last forever.   This trial is crazy, with wild curves and high victories followed by low valleys, but we will come through it...it will not last forever.  I am thankful that God gives me glimpses of hope right when I need them...just so I can keep going.    Tonight, I saw a shooting star on my way home...it was bright and had a long tail.  When I saw it, it reminded me that God knows where every star is, even the shooting ones.   He knows when star falls from its place.   He knows everything about us...he is still in control.   He knows exactly what we need to go through so that our testimony will be what He needs it to be.   Lord, help us not to grumble and complain,  help us to trust You, help us to glorify You!  (And ps...you can get me off this roller coaster anytime...I won't mind!)

3

Our Journey #11

November 5, 2012

It's been several days since I've posted last.   Today, Jeff had his 3rd chemo treatment.   For the most part, he is feeling good and we are thankful for that.    We made sure to vote early so he won't have to be around a ton of people tomorrow.   Thursday he will be rescanned and prepped for radiation.   We are praying that the tumor has either shrunk or disappeared completely.    Tonight, as our country is on edge, waiting for the outcome of tomorrow's election...I find myself holding my breath and hoping for good results on Thursday.  

Even as I say that, I am reminded that God is already in my tomorrow.   He goes before me and I should not fear.   I think one of my earlier posts was dedicated to fear or rather my victory over it.  So tonight, I just wanted to remind myself that I should not fear.   First, when I think about all the things that had to happen in order for Jeff to even get a diagnosis in the first place, I KNOW GOD IS IN CONTROL.  Then when I think about the mountains that He's already moved for us, I KNOW GOD IS IN CONTROL and I  am reminded that He is concerned about our every need.

God's word has become alive to me in a new way throughout this ordeal.   He gave me this passage early on in this and once again today, He has reminded me that it is true:

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the Lord, who is my refuge—

10 then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15  He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

16  With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Verse 5 and verses 14 through 16 have become my mantra!   I rehearse them over and over and over in my head.  Along with it, I rehearse the many ways He has met every need.   Sometimes, when you are overwhelmed by the "what if's", you just need to stop and rehearse!   Rehearse His word...say it over and over and over until it gets in you...and rehearse His blessings...what has he brought you through to get you to this point?   So tomorrow, and Wednesday and in the days that follow where Jeff doesn't feel well and I have to fight that fear away again, I will rehearse God's word and His goodness.  He has never failed me, he's not going to start now.

For those of you who are fretting over the election tonight, let me remind you that God is already in tomorrow.   Regardless of who is elected tomorrow, He is sovreign and He is in control.  As Christians, we must remember that.   Yes, we have a responsibility to do our part and vote, but ultimately, God is in control.  "He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning." Daniel 2:21

I'm telling my heart tonight to be still...be still and know that He is God...I think that applys to a lot of folks tonight!   So, hey you...BE STILL!

2

Our Journey #10

October 27, 2012

Normally, I do my best writing late at night...when everyone else is sleeping and my mind can just let go.   I am attempting to write this note at the crack of dawn, mainly because I heard something last night that stuck with me and because I wrestled all night with this post.   I've come to know that when that happens, it is usually not just about me, but someone out there needs to hear it.   I'm at a women's retreat this weekend and the speaker is Barbara Benton.  This is the first time I've heard her speak, but the words she spoke last night were straight from God, for me.  I'll not attempt to "repreach" her sermon, that would be plagerism.  I just want to share what God said to me during her message.   She spoke about going deeper with God and used the passage from Luke 5 (I think, I was so engrossed I forgot to write down the passage!)  She talked about being in shallow water and the benefits of being there...you can still touch bottom (safety) and you don't have to paddle (comfort).  When Jesus told Simon to "put out into the deep", the first thing Simon did was argue with Jesus.   The flesh will always fight against whatever God is trying to accomplish in your life.   I realized that this is the place I was at just a little over a month ago.   I was in the water, in the boat...but I was in shallow water...safe, secure, calm water.   Water that I could see bottom and touch it.   In Wakulla county we have one of the most beautiful rivers I've ever seen.   I love to go down the Wakulla River because I can see the bottom...it's shallow and in most parts of the river you can touch bottom.   I like that...I don't have to worry about what is going to get me...I can see it coming!   There's another river in our county, the Sopchoppy river, that I wouldn't swim in EVER!!!   The water is dark and though I don't know how deep it is, it looks deep to me because I can't see bottom!   So, you get the point...I don't like deep water!   It's unpredictable, it's dangerous, it requires that I trust the vessel I am riding in and/or the skills that I can muster to keep my head above water.    

On September 7th, Jesus asked me to put out into the deep.  Well, actually, it felt more like He threw me in over my head!  I fought against it...I didn't want to go deeper if it meant leaving the safety of the shore, the predictable, the comfortable.   So while this woman of God was preaching last night, my mind went back to when I was 8 or 9 (maybe younger) and I had taken swimming lessons every Summer at White Springs for probably 3 years.   I would go to class every day but I didn't learn to swim...because I liked to touch bottom.   Now my strokes were perfect, I had that part down, but my feet didn't leave the bottom so I really wasn't swimming.   One afternoon after swimming lessons, our family went to Lake Mystic for some family time.   And there, at the end of a long dock, one of my brothers picked me up and threw me in to deep water...at least it was over my head!      I fought him and I struggled and I screamed, "I can't swim!"  "Save me!".    He said, "Yes, you can...you just didn't know it...you are swimming right now!"   He was right!   While I fought it and didn't want to be thrown it, it was the best thing for me...I COULD swim!   Had I listened to my own flesh, I never would have known that.

When we got Jeff's diagnosis, I fought it...I cried out in terror and I didn't want to do this.  But God knows what we can bear and He knows what waits for us in the deep.   The beautiful things are in the deep.    The deep holds things that our minds can comprehend while we are in the shallow.   He wanted us to go deeper in our trust of Him.   He wanted us to go deeper in our ministry.   He wanted us to go deeper in our marriage.   He wanted us to go deeper.     

I'm not afraid of the deep anymore...actually, I'm more afraid of staying in the shallow.   You see...my God is in the deep and I want to be where He is!   At the end of this passage, after Simon argues with Jesus, he says to him...Nevertheless, at thy word I will let down my net.   He surrendered his wisdom to God's.    That's where I'm at...Nevertheless...I will go deeper!

2

Our Journey #9

October 22, 2012

Well, it's late...the sandman is elusive and so I guess it's time for another journal entry.   It's been kind of a rough week around our house.   The side effects from Jeff's chemo kicked in early Wednesday.   Unfortunately, late Wednesday, so did a rather painful sinus issue for me.   So here we are, a couple of laid up "invalids" attempting to take care of each other, but neither of us feeling very good at the moment!   Neither of us like to take medicine or go to doctors...yet that seems to be what our lives revolve around!   Oh well...we will not complain...it could be worse.   

Tonight, I just wanted to briefly share what I witnessed in my amazing husband today.   He woke up this morning (well actually now it is yesterday...anyway Sunday morning) feeling very crummy.   He wasn't sick but very fatigued and not at all feeling himself.    When he told me to take the kids and go on to praise team practice (and possibly lead prayer without him), I knew something wasn't right.   So I did as he asked and I prayed that God would give him the strength he needed to get through this day.   He arrived at the church shortly after prayer time began but it was obvious to anyone who knows him that he was weak and just not himself.  Several people stopped and prayed for him and even our Sunday School class took time to pray for him.  

Service began and still he was struggling.   A couple of folks came up and prayed for him, but this very watchful wife could see no change in his countenance.   His shoulders were sagging and his eyes heavy...like he needed a really long nap.   Our praise and worship time came to an end and it was time for him to take the stage and begin his sermon.   I grabbed a stool and placed it by his podium in case he would need to sit...I was certain he would.   Much to my surprise, it seemed as if the Holy Spirit had hooked up an invisible IV to him and was pumping him full of energy.   For the next 25 minutes, this man preached his heart out!   As he retold the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector from Luke 18, he spoke with vigor and the Word came to life!   He defiantly moved my stool (though I didn't mind at all!) out of his way...and he never missed a beat.   I was amazed.   Amazed that a man who obviously felt so badly just a few moments before, was now showing no signs of fatigue whatsoever.   Amazed at how God would use a story that has been told over and over to once again move hearts and draw people to repentance.   Amazed at how good God is to remind me that when we are weak, He is strong...and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.   

Throughout the day, I reflected on how good God is to us.   He brought it to my attention that Jeff's cough is much less freguent now and even when it is present, it is not nearly so violent.   I believe that God is healing him.  Time will tell, but I believe that the same God who spoke life into him this morning will continue to do it.   And furthermore I KNOW that with one simple touch from Him, Jeff's body will be made whole.   Our God is sovreign and worthy of my praise...even if He never answered another prayer...He is still worthy!   The last part of the passage that Jeff shared this morning has stuck with me all day..."For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."  There was a time in my life when I thought I deserved to be exalted...I'm not proud of it, it's just the truth.   However, in His infinite mercy, God has allowed me to be humbled...I can think of nothing I desire more.   I must decrease, He must increase. 

That is my prayer tonight...Lord, don't let me forget this one...let this be a lesson that I remember...be glorified in my life!

2

Our Journey #8

October 20, 2012

Nearly a week has passed since my last post.   In that time, Jeff had his 2nd chemo treatment and has toughed it out through the 48-72 hrs of nausea & fatigue that follows.   Maybe it was because we knew what to expect, but this one didn't seem as bad (to me anyway).   Monday morning started with some frustration, but I could see how God was at work even in our frustration.   We showed up at the chemo place for his 9 am appt only to find that he didn't have orders for chemo.   They told us that our doctor wanted to see us first (but our doctor's office had made no attempt to call us and schedule an appt)!   So over to the doc's office we go.   

We are sitting in the doc's office and I could feel my blood pressure rising, as well as fear creeping in.   Why wouldn't he send the orders...was something wrong with Jeff's numbers...what is going on.   Those nagging questions and many more that seem to assault your mind as you wait.   Finally the doc comes in and basically we find out that because we finally met our deductible, they wanted to change our chemo treatments to their office.   Thankfully, he changed his mind for this treatment...making this change would have meant Jeff would have to come back another day...postponing his recovery and possibly having him still sick on Sunday.   

So the doc begins to examine Jeff...listening to his lungs, checking for radiation symptoms (he had forgotten that we postponed the radiation), etc.   He says to Jeff, "Wow, you are doing really good...you are already sounding better and you are tolerating the radiation so well!".  To which Jeff replies, "Ah, we aren't doing the radiation yet."...."Oh, that's right...I don't know what I was thinking...you're not having to use your cough meds?"  "Nope" "Awesome".

He asked a few more questions and then indicated that he wanted us to head on over for the chemo and he wanted to see us before the next treatment and the radiation.   Now Jeff had some questions for him...like "Doc, what if my rescan shows that the cancer is gone...do I still have to do radiation"   "Well that is not scientifically possible"..."I know it may not be scientifically possible but I believe my God is healing me."   And just like that I believe God opened a door!   

You see, I've been praying for this doctor ever since the first time we met him in the hospital.   Praying that the faith that he witnesses in us and the healing that God brings will impact him so much that he will in fact become a believer in Christ as well.   He indicated that "our God" had already been at work in this situation.   Had this diagnosis come 3 or 4 years earlier, his prognosis would have been very grim.   The treatments that are available today were simply not on the horizon then.   In fact, Jeff's treatment plan was not available in Tallahassee a year ago...he would have had to travel to Moffitt or another cancer facility for this treatment.   God's timing is perfect.   

Had we not traveled to Louisville, KY...the blood clot may not have formed when it did.   Had the blood clot not formed when it did, Jeff wouldn't have suffered a pulmonary embolism.   Had he not had a PE, I certainly never would have gotten him into the hospital ...which means no testing and no diagnosis.    Had he not been diagnosed when he was, he was only months away from it being so far progressed that treatment would not have even been an option.

Futhermore, had God not placed my friend (who only remains nameless because I haven't asked her permission to use her name) in her job, with her expertise and contacts...we never would have persued further testing, never would have had a pulmonary consult, never would have had a bronchial biopsy and never would have been diagnosed...until it was too late.   God's timing is always perfect.

When we got the diagnosis, I called my friend right away to ask who she would use as an oncologist.  She responded, "Give me a little time to consult with some of my colleages and I will get right back with you.   When she called back with Bhanderi's name, I have to admit that I was a little hesitant.   His name was foreign...something in my spirit told me that he wasn't a believer.   I wanted a Christian doctor.  (Our radiation oncologist is a believer!)   But almost as soon as that thought entered my mind, so did the thought that perhaps God wanted to use Jeff and his story to win the lost...after all, we have prayed, "Win the lost at any cost!".   Please don't misunderstand me...it's not that I think God gave Jeff cancer...but I do believe that God wants to use it for His glory!  

This whole scenario is yet to be written...but what if God wants us to lead our Doctor to Him?   His timing is perfect!   I believe with all my heart that God loves our doctor and that He wants him to know Him.    What an honor it would be to lead him to the Lord!!!   So, as you pray for us, would you please add our doctor to your prayers?   That through this battle, He will come to know Christ as His Lord and Saviour! He is such a good oncologist...but with Christ, he can be even better!   God's timing is perfect...we believe that.   Jeff's healing will come when the timing is right...until then we will glorify Christ so that He may be lifted up for all (even our doctor) to see and know!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: Eccl 3:1

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  Eccl 3:11 

2

Our Journey #7

October 14, 2012

When I first started this blog, I warned you that you would see the real me...the good, the bad and the ugly.   So far, I've shared good...I've shared bad...and tonight, I'm gonna share the ugly.   Okay, let me preface this with a disclaimer.   Some of you fellas may not want to read this...the hormones are in full strength today and it may be more feminine emotion and terminology than you care to experience.     Let me also say upfront that some of the emotion I will put out there is just that...do not try to sell me your cure all, I've probably already tried it anyway!  Preface over...let's get started!

I woke up this morning and I knew that it was one of those hormonal kinda days...you know, the kind of day when you are certain that you shoulda been a hitman!   Jeff has another chemo treatment tomorrow, I'm hormonal, I've just finished a round of prednisone for a sinus infection and I'm exhausted.  Let's just say I was a bit on edge...a little testy.   I walk into the kitchen (the one my children have not lifted a finger to clean or help keep clean) and my wonderful middle child, Doran, is sitting at the dining room table.   Instead of saying, "Good morning, Mom" he opted for "Why do we have a stupid tablecloth on the table?"    BAD MOVE!!!!!   I'll leave it at he now FULLY understands why!!!

From there I moved into the bedroom to get myself ready for church.   As I stood in my closet singing Kum Ba Yah and looking at all my clothes I realized a very important truth...nothing fits anymore!   Yes, somehow I have managed to gain 30 lbs in the last year.    While friends and family and it seems like even the dog are having successful diet stories to share...I'm getting heavier and heavier! It's not that I'm not happy for my friends...but I really don't care to hear it when my scale just keeps moving up.   Every round of prednisone packs another 10 lbs on me so forgive me for being a little disgruntled and not so chipper!   So I try on like three pairs of pants and finally find one that buttons.   I decide that I need to wear a slimming undergarment...ok a girdle...so I go to my lingerie drawer where I proceed to pull out EVERY thing in there...but cant find the stupid girdle!   Ugggh!   Oh wait, I remember that on Friday I washed and dried it ...just didn't have time to get it out of the dryer.  But Jeff and Doran were at the house on Saturday, surely one of them has folded up all the clean clothes by now...HA!  Yep, there in the dryer was everything that I didn't get done on Friday.   By now the kettle is beginning to tap, tap, tap...the whistle is just moments away!

I march back into the bathroom to begin doing my makeup and getting my "church" face on and Jeff looks at me sweetly and says, "Honey, can I do anything to help you this morning?"   Okay, I know that should have disarmed me...but well, I'll just be honest...it just about set me over the edge!   (I know guys...you don't understand ANY of this, do you?   I may as well be speaking Portuguese!)   I did at least have the frame of mind to say to him, "Look, today is not my day, you might find it helpful to just not speak to me for a while."   Remarkably, he did just that...he quietly left the room.

Finally, I managed to get my big behind ready and emerged from our room ready to leave.   Jeff and I get into the car to head to church (Doran got out of the house pretty quick when he saw my mood!) and I decide to check my Facebook on my phone.  Phone is dead...like graveyard dead!   So I sigh and plug it in...thinking it will come up so I can atleast use it attached to the charger.   We get almost to the church before it even charges enough to turn on!   Uggggh!!!!

So we arrive at the church and I am at boiling point.   But we are at church...that means I need to get control of the situation or else innocent bystanders could be harmed!   As I walked in the door, I prayed that God would help me not bite someones head off today.   That was it...just a simple, quick, silly prayer.   But God heard it.   Just like He's heard all my other prayers.    It wasn't worded eloquently, nor was it spoken in a church voice.   It was muttered under my breath through gritted teeth.    He still heard it and answered.    Praise team warm up began and so did a warm up in my soul.   By the  end of our pre-service prayer I could feel a change in my spirit and our service was amazing!   He began to change my mood and then the most amazing thing happened...PEACE followed almost immediately by JOY!   He had turned my sorrow (frustration, ranting, grumbling, whining, etc.) into dancing!   That's what His Word says He will do!  You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, Psalms 30:11 (NIV)  

So, why did I share all this?   It occurred to me right after the joy came that many of you may have had the same kinda morning I did.   Maybe your's was worse.   Some of my frustration was self inflicted and some was from others...but God let me trade it all in and in return He gave me joy.   We can't beat God's currency system...He always give us something that far outweighs whatever we've brought to HIm.    Bring Him your frustration, your sorrow, your wailing...let Him turn it to dancing, uncontrollable laughter, unspeakable joy!

1

Our Journey #6

October 13, 2012

NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE.   That's what the bracelet says that  so many of our friends and I wear every day.   A bracelet that reminds us to pray for Jeff, for a cure, for his healing.   However, I couldn't help but think that sometimes people DO fight alone.   I don't know how...and I've tried to imagine how you could go through something like this alone, but truth is...some people choose to fight alone.     They choose to fight a battle without letting others around them help...I think their own pride is the culprit here.    They choose to fight a battle without the help of God...this one I have a hard time understanding.    From the first second we heard Jeff's diagnosis, God has been helping us through this...actually He was helping us even before the diagnosis, but we just didn't know it.   So I've wondered, and I am completely  miffed as to why anyone decides that they'd rather fight  alone.   

Many of you know that I have struggled with asthma for 10 yrs now.   What you may not have known is that the initial onset of asthma left us with a $85,000.00 hospital bill and an insurance company that deemed my condition to be a "pre-existing" conditiion and refused to pay.   In order to keep me healthy, I take a regimen of drugs to reduce inflamation in my lungs and keep my airways open...to the tune of several hundred dollars each month.   The harder we fought our insurance company, the sicker I would get, until one day I was ranting to God (well that's the best way to describe it!)   I felt Him say to me in my spirit, "Libby, who is your provider?"   See, I had put my faith in an insurance company to be my provider...but they let me down.    From that moment on, I made up my mind that I would trust God to be my provider...He would either provide by making the insurance company pay, or He would provide another way...BUT HE WOULD PROVIDE.   Long story short, about a year ago I went to the mailbox one day and in the box was an envelope from TMH.   No big deal, we had been getting the same bill every month for the last 10 years...and every month we made a payment.   We still  owed thousands of dollars but God had been faithful and provided a payment plan and the money needed to make each payment.   Normally, I would not open the bills (Jeff pays all our bills and so I just put them in the bill box for him).   This time though I absent mindedly opened the envelope and when I did I saw red writing on the page.  I thought to myself, "Did he miss a payment?   What in the world?"   Suddenly, the words written in red came into focus, "With deep appreciation, your bill has been paid in FULL"... ZERO BALANCE!!!!!!!!!!   I couldn't believe my eyes...we had not requested assistance or anything...just paid what we owed each month, thanking God for providing the means by which to do it!    

So, as the bills have started to roll in for cancer treatment and our insurance turns out to be just so-so...not at all as great as we thought is was...I find myself remembering that God knew what was on our horizon when He provided for that bill to be paid off.   He is already in our tomorrow...fighting on our behalf!  We don't fight alone...He was fighting for us before we even knew that we needed Him.   If I stop and think about how much this battle could cost it would indeed overwhelm me...however when I remember who my provider is, I understand that there is nothing for me to fear.   It was while I was thinking about this very thing today that God brought a very important truth to my heart.   NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE.   See, He is fighting for us before we even know we need help...and I believe He fights for us even when we are too proud to accept his help.  He fought for us even when we were in our sin. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8    

It's easier when we accept Him and learn to trust Him...but make no mistake...He fights for you...whatever your struggle is.    NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE!   

1

Our Journey #5

October 4, 2012

Maybe it was the rain, maybe I was just tired, maybe a little of both, but yesterday was one of those emotional days for me.   Not the breakdown in tears kind that I've had randomly throughout this ordeal but just the gamut of feelings and thoughts that I had to wrestle my way through with prayer.   I find that those things tend to hit me in waves and really are not dependent on anything happening around me...just a torrent of feelings that I have to take to my Father and let Him help me sort through them. 

Yesterday, the emotions were familiar.    I've been there before.   About a year ago God began a work in me.   All my life, I have battled fear.   I know, everyone battles fear, right?   Well, this was a fear that crippling kind of fear and I knew it wasn't from God.  He has not given us a spirit of fear!    So a little over a year ago He began to root out this fear and set me free from it.   The process was painful because the roots were deep.   I was comfortable with my fear (it had been with me all my life)  and so many times I resisted the work that God was trying to do in me.   Still, He was faithful and I had a breakthrough about 3 months ago, realized that this fear that had held me captive for years, no longer had a grip on me.  Through God's word, I had been set free.

Whatever tactics satan finds successful, you can bet that he will keep in his arsenal.   Yesterday, he pulled that old familiar one out on me again. And for a couple of hours, he had me...but he didn't plan on me using the weapons in my arsenal to fight back...prayer and the Word of God.  So that is exactly what I pulled out when fear began to creep in.   I began to rehearse scripture, Psalm 91, Isaiah 41:10, Genesis 28:15, Jeremiah 29:11, Jeremiah 30:17...just to name a few.   It wasn't long before my spirit began to win again!   Then I began to cry out to God...I carried my complaints to Him...I poured out my heart to Him.    And He met me there!   Little by little, a song replaced the fear.  

A friend caught me online and asked how I was doing and when I shared that with him, he said, "then I'd be singing it at the top of my lungs!"   He's right and that is exactly what I intend to do!

‎"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." Ps 34:4

And here's the song (singing it loud enough to annoy the dog):

Jesus at the center of it all

Jesus at the center of it all

From beginning to the end

It will always be, it's always been You, Jesus - Jesus.

Jesus at the center of my life

Jesus at the center of my life

From beginning to the end

It will always be, it's always been You, Jesus - Jesus.

Nothing else matters

Nothing in this world will do

Jesus, you're the center

Everything revolves around You, Jesus you.

And with that simple little song, He calmed my fears and set me back on solid ground.  I will stand firm in the knowledge that my God will supply ALL my needs and that I need not fear what tomorrow holds...I know the one who holds tomorrow!