Our Journey #13

November 18, 2012

Sometimes when I pray, my words run out...does that ever happen to you?   I mean, it seems that my vocabulary just isn't adequate enough to express what's in my heart.  This morning was one of those mornings.   Today is Sunday and Jeff has been very sick since Thursday night.  Let me back up a bit...Thursday, on the way home from his radiation treatment, he began feeling awful.   By Thursday night he was running a fever and had chills.   Fevers are not good for cancer patients, so I called his oncologist.   His oncologist called in an antibiotic for him and shortly after taking it, his fever broke...but then began the nausea.   Fast forward to today...he's still very sick.   I drove him to his radiation appointment at the crack of dawn, and he was so sick the whole way there.   When we made it back to the church, he went straight to his office and laid down. 

Those of you who know Jeff know that this means he is very sick.  We've been married 23 years and I've NEVER seen him do this.   So I go on into praise team rehersal and then into our pre-service prayer time.   I sat there and prayed for Jeff and for him to have the strength to preach, but honestly I was struggling to reign in my thoughts.   I found myself becoming very frustrated.  Frustrated with myself for not being able to think straight.  Frustrated with others for whining or not being dedicated, or having their own agenda or well, I really didn't need a reason...just frustrated.  I even found myself frustrated with God.   

So back to my prayer time.  When I found that I couldn't concentrate, I did what I always do...I said, "OK, God, guess you'll have to talk to me."  I pulled up Youversion on my phone and began reading in John 14.    "Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God' trust also in me." verse 1.   I read through the whole chapter and again, toward the end of the chapter, a verse caught my attention.  "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." verse 27.  There it was again!   It was almost as if the words (or rather one word) was leaping off the page at me.   The word LET.   Another word for let is allow or permit.   It implies that I have control over my thought life.   "Do not let"...that means He's commanding me to command my heart!  Do not "let", "allow", "permit" your heart (to) be troubled. Trust in God.   Do not be afraid.

Suddenly, I realized that I had a choice to make.   I could continue to be frustrated, upset, TROUBLED...or I could command my heart to get in line with God's word.   I could command my heart to TRUST GOD.   I could command my heart to NOT BE AFRAID.   I could command my heart to stop being troubled.   The choice was mine.   I began to worship my God and one by one, my troubles began to fade.

I wish I could tell you that Jeff started feeling better.   He didn't.  In fact, he is worse tonight.  He missed the evening service...something he never does.   Everytime I look at him, my heart vies for control again.  It says, be afraid.   It says, don't trust.   It says, be frustrated.   But, what I learned this morning is that the choice is mine...do not LET your hearts be troubled!   

I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, but I know when God speaks to me...this morning He spoke to me.   So tonight, although my husband lies in our bed and is sicker than I've ever seen him, I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.    Although I am at my wits end, wanting to help him but utterly helpless as to what I can do, I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   Although people fail to live up to my expectations, I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   Although friends forsake me, I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   Although God's time table, doesn't line up with mine,  I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   And when I disappoint myself...I will NOT LET my heart be troubled.   

My God is trustworthy...so I WILL trust Him.  Period.  End of Sentence.  This song came to mind, so I thought I'd just share the lyrics with you as I close.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus.

Look full in his wonderful face.

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace."

STOP LOOKING AT YOUR PROBLEM...LOOK AT THE PROBLEM SOLVER...AND DO NOT LET YOUR HEART BE TROUBLED!