If I have learned anything during our battle with cancer, its this...expect change. Expect a change of emotions. Expect a change of treatment. Expect a change in your schedule. Expect a change in your lifestyle. Expect a change in your priorities. Expect a change of perspective. Everything is about to change.
The fair is in town and this week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Highs, lows and fast curves, it feels like. To be honest, I've always be more of a Merry-Go-Round kinda girl! It started Monday with trip to the chemo dr and a chemo treatment. I happened to mention a little cough to him and poof...xray! Jeff had just endured 2 hrs of chemo and was ready for lunch...he was not happy with me and my big mouth. Tuesday, he had to return to get a shot to boost his white blood cells...and the nurse tells him that it will make him feel "fluish" for 24 hours. Great! She also gave him the results from the xray...the mass in his lung was still there and "similar in size". Double great (dripping with sarcasm!) Wednesday, her words were proven true as he felt terrible all day. He preached Wednesday night sitting down and it was obvious he felt bad. Today was our scheduled meeting with the radiation oncologist and rescan day.
Now, I have to tell you that when I read those xray results on Tuesday, it took my breath away. We've been praying for the tumor to diminish or just be gone and we have believed God for the impossible. So, I did the only thing I knew to do...I took it to the Lord and I called on some of my prayer warriors to do the same. We began to pray for God to touch Jeff and change those results. Yesterday, during one of his naps, I was praying over him. I found myself begging God to spare him. To just touch him...I believe that is all it would take...just like the woman with the issue of blood, if we could just touch the hem of his garment. I felt in my spirit God asking me if I really believed that He would heal him. I replied, yes. Again, He asked me if I believed Him...again, I replied yes, I believe. A third time He asked me the same question and for the third time my reply was yes (although I was beginning to wonder if maybe I didn't believe and that was why I was being asked 3 times). Suddenly I heard the words in my spirit...Well then, BELIEVE! So I purposed that I would do just that. I would believe God for his healing touch on Jeff. I would believe God for hope. I would believe God, not because I have great faith, but because He is faithful.
This morning we started out and barely spoke on the way to the doctors office. They came in and called him back...I would need to wait in the waiting room for this one. I sat there and buried myself in God's word. It was the only place I felt safe. I read how God delivered David from the enemy's hand again and again. Even when he was as close as a breath, and his entourage outnumbered David's...God did the impossible and delivered him. I began to ask God for hope...I specifically asked that it not be a false hope, but that if God intended to bring us through this to give us some hope. Soon, Jeff reappeared and motioned for us to go. We walked silently to the parking lot...I was afraid to ask how it went. Finally, I mustered an ounce of courage and asked. Well, wouldn't you know it, the tumor has diminished by atleast 20-30% and it appears that it could be a little more from certain angles. Radiation treatments begin on Wednesday. HOPE! Didn't I just ask for that? Why did it suprise me so much? Oh me of little faith!
Ok, so that was good news, right? So why didn't my husband look happy about it? Well, I think there are many reasons. One, we had really prayed that the cancer would be gone...that's what we were hoping for. Two, he now has to do radiation...he is not happy about that. Three, the results of chemo are kicking in...he feels awful. There are more, but you get the picture. So we go from happy that God has given us hope, to disappointed that we will still have to do radiation through the holidays. Big swoosh...that might have even been the loopty loop!
Tonight, my heart is light and heavy at the same time. Light, because I know God answered my prayer this morning. There is not a doubt in my mind about that. Heavy, because my husband is in a low place...a place that he has helped many others through, but struggles to find his way through it now. Last night, he admitted that his faith has been shaken this week. Not his faith in God, but his faith that his healing will come. That is why it is so important that we don't pull away from our brothers and sisters in Christ during these times. We bear each other's burdens. We pray for each other, we encourage each other, we stand in the gap if we must and we prop our brothers and sisters up until they can stand on their own again. We are so grateful that we have friends who have prayed for us, fasted for us and who are willing to drop everything and come to us if need be.
I guess the one thing I like most about roller coasters is that the ride doesn't last forever. This trial is crazy, with wild curves and high victories followed by low valleys, but we will come through it...it will not last forever. I am thankful that God gives me glimpses of hope right when I need them...just so I can keep going. Tonight, I saw a shooting star on my way home...it was bright and had a long tail. When I saw it, it reminded me that God knows where every star is, even the shooting ones. He knows when star falls from its place. He knows everything about us...he is still in control. He knows exactly what we need to go through so that our testimony will be what He needs it to be. Lord, help us not to grumble and complain, help us to trust You, help us to glorify You! (And ps...you can get me off this roller coaster anytime...I won't mind!)
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